Authors: Catherine Lanigan

Fear of Falling (23 page)

Rafe wasn't sure if all that made him foolish or simply
stupid.

Probably a bit of both.

He filled the cup with more crushed ice and placed a sprig of
mint on top.

One thing was for sure: Olivia had made him think long, hard
and deep about his life. His goals, intentions...even his integrity.

Three days ago he had telephoned John Galway, the owner of Mr.
Blue, set up a meeting and driven out to his horse farm. Because of what Olivia
had told him, Rafe had decided to give the Indian Lake Hospital Race trophy to
Mr. Blue. Rafe might never know who really won, but with the win at the Illinois
Derby to Rowan's credit, he felt the tally sheets should be fair and square. If
there was an iota of doubtâeverâabout the Indian Lake race, Rafe knew he
couldn't keep something that wasn't rightfully his.

He could hear voices coming from the den, where the entire
family had gathered to watch the race. Gabe and Liz had brought Sam. Maddie had
arrived with four dozen chocolate-mint cupcakes and a very tired Nate, who'd
worked past midnight the night before. Mrs. Beabots had driven out with Austin
and Katia. Rafe noticed that no one mentioned Olivia or asked him if he'd been
in touch with her. On the other hand, he knew that if any of them had spoken
with her, they would have said something.

Gina had laid out a buffet of finger foods in the dining room.
As cheerful as the event should have been, Rafe felt Olivia's absence more
keenly than he had since she'd left.

He wondered if Olivia would have liked this party at all, since
all the festivities centered on racing. The little Derby Day party was a
tradition in the Barzonni household. Rafe could remember being no more than five
years old and going out to the herb garden to pick the mint for the juleps. His
father had loved the party and in those days, they'd invited friends from The
Grange.

As she'd always done, Gina had drawn up a poster board with the
names of all the horses running in the race. There were three crystal bowls on
the sofa table with signs designating “Win,” “Place” and “Show.”

The bets were only a dollar each and it was great fun to root
and cheer for one's favorite pick.

Rafe wondered how Olivia would feel about their at-home
“betting.” He would have liked to think that she would feel enough at ease to
join in and toss a dollar in each bowl. But the fact was that he had no clue how
she would respond because she wasn't in his life anymore.

Every day since she'd left, he'd thought that perhaps she might
call him or text him, but she hadn't. He'd never been one to rifle through the
mail, especially since he'd moved out to the coach house, but every night after
coming in from the fields or from bedding down Rowan, he'd gone straight for the
basket on the kitchen table where his mother tossed the mail.

There was nothing from Olivia.

By the end of the first week since her departure, even his
mother had commented on his acerbic mood. Mica started calling him “Mr.
Doom.”

Oh, he'd been brave sending her away like he had. He'd meant it
when he'd said he wanted her to pursue her dream. He just hadn't figured she'd
cut him out of her life as if he was cancer. He'd thought he'd come to mean
something to her. But the truth was, he was just someone she'd kissed a few
times. A stepping-stone on the way to better things.

She'd never told him that she loved him. She'd never said she
even cared about him. He was guilty of reading emotions into her reactions to
him that probably didn't exist.

He understood that she'd spent years keeping her emotions
closed off because of her childhood trauma. He'd thought they'd both helped each
otherâhim with his grief and her with her past.

Guess not.

Laughter poured out of the den as the television commentator
described some of the outrageous hats the women were wearing at the Derby.

Rafe remembered Olivia's glorious hair and how it fell down her
back in shimmering dark sheets. And the feel of her lips against his, the
softness of her skinâ

He grabbed the counter and hung his head between his
outstretched arms. He wished someone had told him when he met Olivia that she
was the kind of woman a man could never forget.

“Rafe?”

Chills swept across his back and down to his toes. It had
finally happened. He'd lost his mind.

“Rafe.”

Olivia's voice called his name like an ancient siren. If he
looked up, he'd die or turn to stone or salt. Something dire. That he knew.

He gasped for air. He heard the sound of her heels against the
tile floor. He knew that sound. Light, delicate steps, though purposeful and not
at all timid.

“I knocked, but no one heard me,” Olivia said.

He straightened and stared at her. He blinked, but the mirage
remained. Irony number three. Just when you thought you had life all figured
out, it sent you a curveball. He felt as if he'd been drinking, but the bourbon
hadn't passed his lips.

“Olivia. I thought you were in Louisville.”

“I was.” She smiled.

He was confused. Today was Derby day. If she was working for a
magazine that revolved around Thoroughbred racing, why was she here?

“I don't understand,” he finally said. “Your new job is what
you've always wanted. You moved there. You cut all ties to us here in Indian
Lake. No phone calls. Not even a text. To anyone.”

“I was overwhelmed with work,” she began. “I can't tell you how
many times I picked up the phone to call youâ”

“But you were busy.”

“I was, but truthfully, I was afraid you'd never talk to me
again. You were so mad at me when I left.”

He folded his arms across his chest, thinking it would keep his
banging, thudding, galloping heart at bay. She was right; he'd been livid with
her that night. Probably, he'd overreacted. Not probably. He did overreact. He
was hurt, disappointed and shocked that she would leave town. Leave him behind.
The fact that she'd even considered a life without him had sliced him to the
core. He'd acted defensively. He might have even been guilty of wanting to hurt
her back. Not a lot. But enough that she'd feel a sting while he felt as if he
was dying inside.

But now, looking at her with those soft lights in her eyes, his
heart melted. He didn't care what she said or did; he just wanted this moment to
lastâforever if he had his way.

“Mad? I suppose I wasâthen.”

Olivia titled her head and peered up at him from beneath long,
dark lashes. “And now?”

“Not so much,” he replied in a low whisper. His eyes burned,
but he didn't dare let her see that she had such an immense effect on him. “So,
Olivia. Your job. How's that going?” he asked, hoping to distract from his
sensitivity. He had to get ahold of himself. He vacillated between sadness and
anger. Pain and revenge and then back to fear that he'd say something that would
cause her to walk away. Again.

He wanted the illusion to stay.

“My job isn't quite what I thought it would be,” she replied.
“I love bonding with animals through my lens, and I was so sure that with all
those magnificent horses in Kentucky for the Derby, I would take pictures like
the world had never seen before. I know that sounds pompous, but it's what I'd
dreamed for myself.”

“What happened?”

“That's just it. Nothing happened. I looked in their eyes and
everything was empty. I couldn't see them anymore. I realized when I looked
objectively at my photos on the computer, they were heartless.”

Rafe heard the sincerity in her voice and read the imploring
expression on her face. “I see.”

Rather than let him say anything further, she rushed on. “I
realized I'd made the wrong choice going to Louisville, but it wasn't
irrevocable. I could make other choices. I only just sent out my rÃ©sumÃ© and
photographs. I jumped at the first offer. I don't know why I never considered
freelance work before, but I think it's the right move. Working freelance would
allow me to have that personal connection with the animals that I've always had.
I miss that. I have to have that, Rafe.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I quit that job yesterday.”

“Quitâ”

“And there's something else.” She hesitated, then took a deep
breath. “You see, I forgot something when I left, Rafe. I forgot to tell you
that I love you.”

Rafe's heart jump-started back to life, the shock was so
intense. “You...you never told me that...”

She moved so close to him their lips nearly touched. “I was
scared.”

“You were?” He inhaled the fragrance of wildflowers and
orchids. His hands were shaking, but he didn't dare touch her for fear he'd make
the wrong move.

Her brown eyes plumbed his and he felt as if he'd levitated. He
was anything but grounded.

She continued, “I didn't have to move out of state to find what
I've always wanted, Rafe. It was right here in my own backyard in Indian Lake.
It was you. When you didn't contact me, I thought I'd lose my mind. Each day
without you was interminable. The nights were unbearable, wondering if I'd ever
see you again. Everything about me changedâand not for the better. I didn't know
it was possible to miss someone as much as I missed you. I couldn't take
it.”

“So you're not just visiting, then?”

“No, Rafe.” She smiled. “I've quit the job and come back home.
Back to you, if you want me.”

“Want you?”

“Do you, Rafe?”

Her eyes were filled with the promise he'd dreamed about. For
the first time, those raw edges of fear were gone, smoothed into pure love.

He gathered her into his arms. “You're not afraid of me.”

“I'm not,” she whispered, sliding her arms around his strong
back and putting her cheek against his chest. “Never again. I love you, Rafe. I
want every minute you can give me. The only thing that frightens me now is being
without you.” She looked up at him. “I want to make dreams
with
you, Rafe.”

He pulled her face toward his. “Olivia, since you left, I've
been thinking about what I really want, as well. If the racing bothers you at
all, then I can make changes, too.”

“It's okay. I've come to grips with my father's addiction. It
was his disease. Not mine. I had nothing to do with it, though I felt guilty all
my life. And I was angry,” she said sheepishly.

“I know that,” he replied, feeling the pain his anger must have
caused her when they parted. “I'm so sorry I hurt you, Olivia.”

She put two fingers over his lips. “Shh. Don't. You have to
know that I'm not all the way there yet, with my fears about gambling, but I'm
so much better than I was. And I have you to thank for that. I can talk to you
about anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yes. Anything.”

“Then I want you to think about this, because I've done a lot
of soul-searching since you left. I've realized that I don't want to leave the
farm. This land is so much a part of me, Olivia, I can hardly describe how much
I love it. I also love my horses, as you do. I can't imagine a life without them
in it. But I'm willing to give up racing because it causes you so much
heartache. That's something I can't bear to seeâeven a glimmer of it hurts me,
too. So I was thinking that I might start a dressage school. Right here at the
farm.”

“A school?”

“You said I was a good instructor,” he countered
defensively.

“The best, Rafe.” She kissed his cheek. “I was terrified of
riding a horse, and you made it magical. This is a wonderful idea. But are you
really sure it would be enough for you? To give up racing Rowan? Because I don't
want you to do it just for me.”

He kissed her lips sweetly. “One thing I've always admired
about you is your honesty, Olivia. And now I'm being honest with you. It's not
just for you. It is what I want.” He tapped his heart. “In here. I am this farm
and my horses. And you.”

“Oh, Rafeâ”

“I love you, Olivia.”

Then he kissed her, and his lips met hers with passion and
wonderment. He couldn't get enough of her sweetness and her surrender. Her lips
were pliant, soft and yet demanding. Enticing and promising him worlds he
couldn't wait to explore. He knew as she kissed him back that she was truly
his.

And that was all he needed to know.

* * * * *

Keep reading for an excerpt from
THE SWEETHEART
DEAL
by Syndi Powell.

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