Fearless (15 page)

 I nodded, almost in disbelief of what I was hearing. How could I even pretend to fathom the level of pain she was revealing?

“Wait, Niki. If you were at this place to get help, away from your dad, what made you want to cut deeper like that? Why didn’t you stop hurting yourself altogether?”

“There was this guy. An older student.” She let out a long exhale. “He was…the typical rich boy, with a dad who was a senator, or something like that, I don’t remember exactly. But his shit didn’t stink and no one could touch him with a ten foot pole. All the girls liked him and I was pretty young and impressionable; I was in about the seventh grade, so I was excited that he liked me. It made me feel special that he was attracted to me, when he could have had his pick of all the girls there.”

 
Oh God no, if this is going where I think it is...
I couldn’t believe the torrent of words flowing out of her mouth, it made my skin crawl. My jaw twitched. I wanted to say so much to her about how I felt, let her know she could tell me anything, that there was so much more to our relationship: friendship. But I remained silent. She wasn’t finished. She had just spilled a shit load of emotional baggage and I’d be a damn fool to cut her off now. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to tell me this. She
needed
to tell me and get it out, so the hurt wouldn’t come out in other ways, other self-destructive ways.

I glanced at Niki, but she didn’t look back at me. She looked up to the ceiling and pursed her lips then continued. “Well, one day after the dinner meal in the dining hall, we snuck out to this little grotto-like area on the school grounds, with lots of trees and bushes. Kind of a park-like area. He had some weed and we were gonna smoke it and get high. We started kissing and stuff, then he got more aggressive, started pushing for more. His hands were all over me and he shoved his hand down my pants really roughly, saying, ‘Come on, come on you’ll like it. If you don’t do it, I’ll make you do it.’ I wasn’t ready for sex yet and even if I had been, I certainly didn’t want it that way, forced on me…anyway, the more I resisted the more he fought…”

“God, Niki, how did you get out of there?”

“I kicked him in the balls really hard and ran like hell. But not until he had left a few bruises on me. Then that was the night I cut myself again and the counselors and everyone thought I was relapsing, thought I was suicidal.”

“Didn’t you tell them what he did to you?”

“Hell yeah. But they didn’t believe me; he was the senator’s son, the golden boy. You know, like Jason is my dad’s golden boy. I hate people like that. I hated him and I hated my dad for believing someone else and not me, his own flesh and blood. I hated Jason for being the ‘golden boy,’ for wallowing in his privileged status, for sucking it in and using it to his advantage over me, like a pig rolling blissfully in putrid muck.” She paused for a second, almost gasping for air.

“Hey, I get it, baby.”

“Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, but the point is, if a person feels like they can’t say no, or stand up to people, they end up believing they are not allowed to do that. Especially girls, especially
me,
after living with a control freak. I felt like I had no voice, no one believed me, like I was just some worthless piece of shit that God had crapped out. Who would ever like me? Hell I didn’t even like myself; no wonder my dad sent me away. And if you can’t control someone else’s behavior, then you control your own so… I cut.”

She uncrossed her legs and leaned back into the couch, her body language saying, ‘There you have it. Now you know why I’m all fucked up.’ I felt like I had been hit on the head with a goddamn board. It all made sense now. Her freaking out, back when I got in a fight to save Chase; it was a reaction to her childhood trauma. My heart hurt for her. It felt like someone had taken a huge, rusty, railroad stake and pounded it into my heart with a sledge hammer. I felt so incredibly bad for her. I wanted to rush out and find that asshole, and all the counselors, and pound their fucking faces into the pavement for what they did to her. And Jason – I knew I should have kicked that sorry motherfucker’s ass, the night I met him, at Cinnamon’s birthday party.

“I’ve never told anyone this before, except the therapists of course. I have a hard time trusting people, but I want to trust. I want to love…”

Niki was trembling and when she tipped her head back and closed her eyes, big wet tears rolled down her cheeks. I slid in closer to her on the couch and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her head into my T-shirted chest and hugged her. “You’re safe now. You can trust me, Niki. I’m here for you and I always will be.”

For a long time I just held her tightly, nuzzled against my chest. A few more silent tears rolled and I pushed her hair back from her face and lifted her chin. I got lost in her gaze and I kissed her soft, moist lips so she knew that I meant what I said, so she’d feel it in her soul. I meant it. Her pain was my pain and I wouldn’t let her feel alone ever again. I’d eat bullets for her like a champ, be her warrior. No one’s going to mess with my girl again.

Fucking ever!

She breathed in deeply and let the air rush out from between her lips. I brushed away her tears with my thumb. I kissed each spot on her face that had been wet, as if the mere action of a kiss could erase all the toxic memories that spewed forth in her tears. Like cauterizing a wound, sealed with a kiss. She held my gaze and blinked. Could it work? Was it possible? Could the love invoked through a kiss really heal?

As if she had read my mind, she softly said, “You don’t know me. My relationships with men usually turn to shit and my dad has been wreaking havoc with my life for years.”

Slowly, I reached out and ran my fingers through her long dark hair and all the way down her arm to squeeze her hand. “Call me crazy, but I feel I’ve known you my entire life and don’t worry about your dad. I keep my promises.”

“But what about your career, Motocross? How can we be together if you travel the world half the year and I’m here?”

I lowered my face close to hers, my breath on her parted lips. I felt the warmth of her body close to mine. I inhaled her. My pulse quickened and I whispered, “Don’t worry, baby. I don’t have the answers now, but we will figure it out. We have all the time in the world.” I wanted to take her into the bedroom and lay her out on the bed and show her with my entire body how much I cared for her, but that would look like I was being too forward. After all, she had just spilled her guts to me about her past insecurities, leaving her feeling vulnerable. Divulging the secret of your defenses to the offense leaves a person wide open for the other to know their weaknesses and allows the possibility of being taken advantage of. That was the last thing I wanted to do to Niki. I wanted to protect her, not take advantage of her.

I watched the expression on her face as I cradled her in my arm and stroked the smooth skin of her cheek. Slowly, she closed her eyes then opened them and looked up into mine. In a soft voice she said, “Baby, let’s go into the bedroom.”

“Are you sure? It's okay if you don't want to...”

She placed her hand on my face and nodded, “I do. I want to lie with you and feel you all around me, your arms your legs, all of you.”

I stood up, trailing my hand down her arm to her hand, and pulled her up off the couch to follow me, but as soon as she was upright she hung her arms around my neck and wrapped both of her legs around my waist. With my hands supporting her sweet ass, I held her up and kissed her, feeling her push hard against my mouth, with fervent passion.

I walked her to the bedroom and gently placed her onto the bed. I softly and slowly seduced all the clothes off of her. I gently kissed every inch of her naked body and not until she pleaded my name did I enter her. We made love, panting and writhing, twisting our bodies together into the wee hours of the morning. It wasn’t until all the bed covers had been ripped off and flung onto the floor in gnarly balls that she fell asleep in my arms. She looked so peaceful and content. I had never been this happy in my entire life.

Chapter 15

Niki

It was official. The Roxy was the hottest nightclub in Hollywood. Call me opinionated, but I loved this place. The music was loud and the drinks were strong. Jesse and I were meeting Kat and Chase for some SoCal craziness and maybe a little dancing. The Roxy also lent itself to a parade of sexy stilettos, which I refused to forgo, even for the comfort of dancing. Kat would unequivocally agree. No chick was drool worthy if they weren’t wearing the shortest skirt with the hottest heels. Although I had Jesse, I wanted every guy in the place to be envious of him as we strutted through the door, because Jesse was the baddest bad boy, in charge of my heart, and I wanted him to be proud of me. It didn’t take long to spot Kat and Chase in the sea of partygoers. As usual, Kat was expertly working the crowd at Roxy’s in her spiky heels.

“Ni-i-ki-i!” Kat came toddling over, waving her arm in the air; her yellow purse, which matched her skimpy yellow dress, reluctantly dangled from her elbow as she walked. “Fuck, you won’t believe it. That Pete guy who scammed me out of my money is here.” Kat tipped forward to give hugs all round, holding her drink out as she leaned in.

“You’re shitting me. Where?”

“See that guy, standing over there next to those two girls? He’s wearing a sports jacket with a black shirt and dress pants. That’s him.”

“Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent.
That’s
the cock sucker.” She stabbed an accusing finger in the air as her petite face screwed up into a hostile glare.

Chase came up from behind and greeted us, giving me a hug and Jesse the guy slap. “Kat filled me in about the scam that dude pulled on her. She wanted to go kick him in the balls, but I convinced her to wait until you got here, Jesse. Did Kat tell you about it?”

“Yeah, that shit is cold. I think we need to go fuck him up. I’m just saying.” Jesse shrugged and raised an eyebrow.

 “Let’s go have a little chat with him,” Chase said.

“Wait!” I said, “Let me handle that scumbag.”

“No way, Niki. Chase and I can take care of this. Don’t get me wrong, but this is not the kind of thing for a woman to handle. He’ll eat you up, spit you out and pick his teeth with your fingernails.”

“Okay, that’s a gross visual, but whatever… Look Jesse, I can do it. I have an idea.”

“Alright, but I’m not letting you go up to him alone. I’ll be right at your elbow if anything goes down…” He jerked his head at Chase. “Come on, buddy.”

Kat trailed along behind.

Adrenaline pumped through my veins like a locomotive. I wasn’t so much scared; just angry at this guy for tricking Kat and stealing her money. “Don’t say anything. Just let me do all the talking.” I spun to my right and searched for Kat’s large suitcase of a purse. “Kat, do you still have his business card?”

“Yep, it’s in here somewhere.” She pawed in her purse, but her organizational skills were hopeless.

I sighed. “It’s okay. I’ll think of something to say.”

“No, I got it right here.” She pulled out the card in triumph.

“What’d you do? Clean your purse?”

She gave me a smug smile and handed me the card.
Pete Brannon, Music Producer. Yeah, more like Pete Brannon, fuck stick scam artist.

 We pressed our way through the throngs of party people in the engorged club. As I walked up to Pete, Jesse followed right behind me. The guy was leaning against the bar checking out two girls, grinding on each other in tight, short, club attire, on the dance floor.

“Pete, right? I said and he turned to face me.

He looked at me confused. “Sorry, do I know you?”

“Not really, but my friend told me you are a music producer.”

He looked at me suspiciously. “Sorry, you got the wrong guy. My name is Michael.” He turned his back on me and leaned on the bar.

“Oh really? So this isn’t your card?”

His head swiveled and he flashed a look of disdain over his right shoulder at the card I held up in the air between my index and middle finger. In a dismissive gesture, he returned to nursing his drink, then spoke to the air straight ahead, and arrogantly sipped his scotch on the rocks. His voice was cold when he answered. “Never seen it before.”

Jesse and Chase had walked up behind Pete and heard everything. Jesse grabbed Pete’s arm.

“We’ll see about that,” Jesse said and picked Pete’s wallet from his rear pants pocket. His black dress slacks made it slide out quite easily.

“What the fuck are you doing? That’s my wallet! You son of a bitch!” He wrenched his arm free and the two stood face to face.

“Who the hell are you?” he demanded.

“I’m the asshole telling you to watch your language in front of the ladies.”

Jesse flipped open the leather wallet and immediately located a couple of glossy business cards, identical to the one Kat had been given. “What do we have here, my friend?”

“I’m not your friend.” he grumbled.

“So you’ve never seen that card before…Michael?”

Jesse twisted the open wallet around and cocked his head to read the driver’s license through the clear plastic pocket inside.

“Wow, your name really is Michael. The police will be interested to hear what our friend here has to say about you.” He nodded in Kat’s direction. She stood behind us, like a dog straining on its chain.

“Yeah, you mother fucker! You took my money you shithead! Fuck you and fuck your…” She rose up on her toes and spat the words as I held her back. With Jesse around, fists could start flying at any moment. But, this time, I wasn’t worried about it. Sure, I was trembling. My pulse was racing, but this time the rush felt exhilarating.

Jesse’s face was contorted with anger, his nostrils flared with fury and his face was a red mask of rage. Veins bulged, blue, on his neck, as if the fire in his blood threatened to burst right out through his skin. He pitched his torso forward, to get in the guy’s face, and Jesse’s dark look was so sharp it clawed at the guy like talons.