February Or Forever (16 page)

‘Oh, Chrissie.' Drew's hand moved from hers and his arm curved around her back. He squeezed her opposite shoulder, and she allowed herself to lean into him. ‘I'm so sorry. It's so unfair, everything you've been through. I wish there was something I could do to…to…make it easier.' He rubbed her shoulder up and down.

‘It's okay, I'll be okay. It's just that being here again after all these years has brought back a few memories.'

‘No wonder,' he said.

‘I just wish I hadn't gone inside without her. I was her big sister, I should have looked after her. Should have insisted she come inside too. If only I'd — '

Drew grasped her chin with his other hand and turned her head to face his. ‘None of this “if only” business. It wasn't your fault, you mustn't blame yourself, Chrissie.'

His oceanic eyes peered deep inside her heart, unnerving her. She was vulnerable, exposed. She couldn't bear losing it in front of him. Her toes clenched and she had to move, had to get out of there. She stood, his arm falling away. ‘I'm sorry, this has been so unprofessional of me. I really should go now.' She pushed back a few loose strands of hair and forced her emotions back into the near-overflowing well.
Don't let him see you like this, Chrissie. Just keep going, don't stop. Don't let it all come out.

‘Wait,' he said. ‘You don't have to go. You can stay as long as you like.' His touch on her arm made her flinch. ‘I'm here for you. I want to be here for you.'

‘You've been very kind, Drew, really. But I need…I need to go.' She dashed into the dining room and grabbed her bag, Drew following. She walked to the hallway and turned back. ‘I'll see you tomorrow, and we'll get back to business, okay?' She faked a smile and turned away before the sight of his comforting eyes could draw her back into his arms, back into the emotional well she was quite literally drowning in, and back to a time and place she had no desire to return to.

* * *

‘No, Kai, you can't have tomorrow off school,' Chrissie said, taking a seat at the kitchen table and opening her laptop later that afternoon.

‘But — '

‘Uh,' she raised a finger in warning, ‘no buts.'

Kai slumped on the couch with crossed arms and a scrunched up face that looked like a pug dog, and Chrissie searched for more reward options to entice her son to school. By the looks of things, the only event on in town in the near future was the Valentine's Day Love Festival that ran from this Friday night to Sunday.
Pft!
Love-struck couples wandering hand in hand, watching starry-eyed as fireworks lit up the sky, before heading home together to make love a zillion times. Forget that. Real life didn't have happy ever afters. It had work and school and difficult children and stretch marks and housework and bills to pay. Real life had tragedy and loss and grief, and although spending time with Drew had brightened her days, opening up to him like that had been a mistake. She shouldn't have accepted his offer to have lunch in the first place. From now on she'd act in a strictly professional manner. She was his yoga teacher. That was it. The chitchat would have to stop.

Chrissie opened her email inbox and clicked on ‘compose'. Kai would be at his father's this weekend, so maybe
he
could think up a reward to give his son if Kai didn't complain for the next two days. Why should all the responsibility rest on her shoulders?

Victor,

Your son is being very difficult and it's hard to get him to go to school. I know you check your emails as often as you check your
(she wanted to say ‘reflection')
stocks, so please reply tonight with an idea of a reward I can mention to Kai tomorrow morning to make him want to go to school. I came up with one for last week, now it's your turn.

Chrissie.

She wasn't normally this blunt with him, she wanted things to be as cordial as possible so as to not cause any undue conflict around Kai, but today she was simply over the whole motherhood thing. This weekend alone would be good, for both her and Kai to spend time apart. She could keep her mind occupied by getting stuck into things around the house, and she sure as hell wouldn't be going to the Love Festival. The more she stayed away from things like that, from any idea or hope that she could have true love, the less chance she had of getting hurt. Or worse, hurting someone else. Those close to her didn't hang around long, and if they didn't succumb to an untimely death they'd probably up and leave. Maybe she was meant to be alone, devote her life to raising Kai and helping others find peace. Or maybe her mind was over-thinking, over-analysing everything, and she just needed a nice soak in a hot bath and an early night. Why was she so grumpy? Chrissie checked her calendar. ‘Ha!' she said to herself. ‘PM bloody S.' When everything was going wrong, one could always resort to blaming hormones.

Drew opened his eyes and got up slowly from the floor. He could normally relax easily in
Shavasana
at the end of a yoga session, especially with Chrissie's calming voice, but for the last two days after her revelation, he'd struggled. Instead of quietening his mind, he'd busied it with thoughts of how to reach her again. How to get through to her and help her open up so she could deal with her situation. Chrissie had been distant since their lunch on Wednesday, and despite her obvious regret at having told him about her past, he wished they could go back to the way things were.

‘Good work. I'll see you next week,' Chrissie said curtly, then blew out the candle and gathered her things.

‘Wait,' Drew said, not sure what words would come out of his mouth next but not wanting her to leave.

Her eyebrows rose in waiting for him to continue, her lips sealed tight in a straight line, as though desperate to keep it together.

‘I ah…' What should he say? Normally he just blurted out whatever was on his mind without time for thinking. The whole ‘speak now, think later' mantra. But he needed to choose his words carefully this time. If he hit a nerve, pushed her, it might have the opposite effect he desired, and there could be a chance she wouldn't want to continue as his instructor. But the woman needed to let out whatever she had bottled up inside. They couldn't go on with classes when she was like this. He got that she was trying to pull back and be professional, but after two weeks of being together every day except the weekends, it had become more than that. He didn't know what it was exactly, but they'd bonded. The thought of not seeing her next month sent an uncomfortable wave rolling through his body, but he'd deal with that when the time came. For now, he needed to help her. Somehow.

‘I, ah,' he scratched his head, ‘was wondering if you could help me with something?'

‘Sure. One of the poses? Do you want some extra help with the ones you found challenging today?'

‘No, it's not about yoga,' he replied. ‘Help with a song.'

Her eyes widened in apparent surprise. ‘You want my help…with a song?'

‘Well yes, just a bit of feedback. I've finished writing it but it can be hard to know how it sounds until someone else listens to it. Objective feedback and all that?'

She shifted on the spot. ‘So you want me to listen to your song and let you know what I think?'

‘Yeah, if you don't mind. I could always record it and send it to a friend if you'd prefer, I don't want you to feel obligated or — '

‘Sure. I'll do it,' she said.

Step one, done. Step two — sing the song and hope it softened her resolve, helped her to get in touch with her emotions as music often did. It could make things ten times worse, he knew that, but he had to try. Music was a great icebreaker, a way to open people up and get them talking. Sure, some feedback on the lyrics and melody would be welcome, but that wasn't why he was doing it.

‘Great. Thanks.' Drew headed for the door. ‘I'll grab my guitar and be back in a tick.'

When he returned, Chrissie stood at the window with her back to him.

‘Right then, here we go,' he said, and when Chrissie turned around he gestured for her to sit on her mat that she appeared to have forgotten to put away. ‘I'm a little nervous.'

‘Nervous? Why? You've been doing this for years.'

‘But not like this, here, with one person.' He sat cross-legged on her mat too, opposite her, and she inched back slightly, but they were still close.

‘I'm sure you'll be fine,' she said. ‘Go ahead.'

‘It's called
Breathe
.' Drew closed his eyes for a moment, centring himself into the feeling of the song. Words were one thing, but if they didn't have emotion behind them, the song would sound flat. Emotions first, song second.

He placed his hands and fingers in position on the strings, and took a deep breath, his chest expanding against the solid African mahogany of his Taylor guitar. Breathing life into it, preparing it to respond to his touch with perfectly tuned sound.

His thumb ran down the row of strings, and taking one more deep breath, he opened his mouth…

‘Sometimes life gets away from you,

Sometimes life takes the joy from you,

But when things around you come crashing down,

And the past you'd rather forget keeps spinning you around,

There are three little things that you must do, to bring you back to you…

Don't forget to breathe,

Don't forget to cry,

Don't forget to take the time to do what's right, and bring your soul to life,

Don't forget to breathe…'

The words rolled easily off his tongue, each mention of the word
breathe
long and slow like an exhalation in itself. The melody and lyrics flowed and resonated with where he was at in his life right now, and ironically, with Chrissie's too, he was sure.

He continued singing, and on reaching the next chorus, Chrissie's eyes became glossy, and her body softened in front of him. Gently, subtly, unconsciously, she leaned slightly forward, as though her soul was seeking out the words and needed to make them her own.

By the end of the final verse, Drew was overcome with an intense rush, a high coursing through his body. His body, his voice and his guitar were one. And so was Chrissie. She was part of this, she inspired this, and her presence took the music to a whole new dimension.

‘Don't forget to breathe,

Don't forget to cry,

Don't forget to take the time to do what's right, and bring your soul to life,

Don't forget to…breathe…'

He strung out the final word slowly and deeply, lowering to a whisper, his own breath extending out in front of him and merging with Chrissie's, her eyes red-rimmed and on the verge of tears.

He placed the guitar aside and got to his knees to get closer to her, still cross-legged in front of him. His hand reached out, caressed the side of her face. His thumb, still tingling from the vibration of the guitar strings, wiped away a tear that had finally escaped. Chrissie's hand covered his, gripped it, held it to her cheek, and like two magnetic charges drawn to each other, her body connected with his and he wrapped his arms around her. One hand held the back of her head as she buried her face in his chest, his fingers entwining in her soft hair, while the other held onto her back as it trembled with her tears. He didn't need to speak; he'd spoken through his song, and the words had gone right to her heart.

Chrissie's hands gripped his back, spreading warmth through his body. He stroked and twirled her hair, rocking gently side to side as though the music still coursed through his body and manifested in physical form.

This was why he lived and breathed music. This was what it was all about. Expression, realisation, connection. His body melded into hers and he could have stayed like this all day. Holding her, breathing with her, as one.

Chrissie manoeuvred to her knees as well, nestling her face into the crook of his neck and radiating heat that warmed him from the outside in.

‘It's beautiful. Simply beautiful,' she whispered against his ear as her soft breath tickled his cheek.

He grasped the sides of her delicate, tear-stained face and locked his gaze on hers. ‘So are you.'

Drew couldn't get Chrissie out of his mind. Not when she'd left the yoga studio and they'd held each other's hands until they reluctantly stretched apart and went their separate ways, not during dinner when he longed for her company, and not now, as he stepped out on the balcony on hearing the explosions of fireworks. Her sweet scent filled his lungs every time he breathed, and he hoped she was doing okay. Maybe he should call her? Or maybe…

He went downstairs and snuck out the back door, hurrying down to the beach. The only light showing the way was from moonlight and occasional bursts of fireworks. He slowed as he arrived at the sandy shore, eyeing a group of people further south whose heads were tipped back, admiring the flashes of light in the sky. He glanced left, towards the rocky hill, and moved his feet in that direction. He would have a great view from up there and could snap some photos. Of course, it was near Chrissie's house and she might be nearby, but if they should happen to meet by chance then so be it. Drew convinced himself he was only heading that way for a better vantage point for the fireworks display.

He climbed up the rocks, this time wearing shoes, and forced himself not to look over at Chrissie's house. He didn't want her to think he was stalking her or something. He whipped his phone out of his pocket and snapped a few pictures of colourful, radiating bursts of light, decorating the sky and casting a glimmery light onto the ocean surface.

Tarrin's Bay didn't do things by halves when it came to festivals. The Valentine's weekend Love Festival was a perfect excuse for fireworks. They also had them at Christmas and New Year's Eve, and Australia Day. Drew imagined all the love-struck couples lying on picnic rugs in Miracle Park or beside the harbour, taking in the view and declaring their love for each other.
Smug buggers,
he thought.