“I just needed to make sure you were okay. I hadn’t
been able to get ahold of you and I worried.” The words flow
without emotion. My mind churns, processing how
wrong
this
is. “I’ll let you guys get back to it.”
“Wait, are you sure you’re okay?” Her words come out
on a moan as Vince cups her breast right in front of me. I have to
get away from here.
“Yeah, I have to go.” I run to my car, wishing I had
the strength to tell Vince off. His blatant attempt to make me
uncomfortable worked.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, Rave!” Eve yells and I slam
my car door shut. My hand hits the lock button and I fire up the
engine, my tires squealing as I pull away.
Shaking with uncontrollable force, I grip the wheel
tighter. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse.
I want to tell Jonah about Vince and wrap myself in
the safety of his strong arms until the hurt goes away. I crave his
touch like an addict. It doesn’t make any sense. He’s with another
woman. How disgusting can I be? Pining after a man who has lied and
cheated?
I hate myself for what I am and how I feel. I’m
Dorothy, skipping happily down the Yellow Brick Road of
self-loathing. Blasting the radio, hoping the comfort of the music
will be a decent substitute for the man, I grimace. Skeeter Davis
sings “The End of the World
,
” and for once, I understand her
pain.
Waves of despair wash over me. The negative emotion,
from my childhood until now, bears down. I want it to end,
desperate to release my tortured soul from this doomed life I was
born into. I would gladly give up this fight. Maybe Jonah and I
aren’t that different. I’ve been a fighter all my life too. But I
don’t fight against people. I fight against feeling worthless,
ashamed, and unlovable. I’m sick of it, and at this point, I’d
welcome death.
Morbid thoughts swirl in my head when I hear the
faint chime of my phone. I dig it out of my backpack, grateful for
the distraction.
One new text.
Raven, I need to see you. Tried calling but no
answer. Call me ASAP. xJ
He must have called me when I was at Eve’s door. But
why? What could he possibly want after a night with
her
? My
phone rings in my hand.
In no shape to drive while talking on the phone, I
pull over and check out the caller ID. Tears spring to my eyes as I
read the words, “Jonah Calling”.
I should throw my phone out the window and go home,
but I can’t. The pitiful girl in me wants to hear his voice. And
why is he calling me now? The phone continues to ring. He could be
calling to confess, to end things officially. Or . . . what if he’s
changed his mind?
Hope creeps back in, an energy that ignores my
misery.
I have to know.
I squeeze my eyes shut and press the phone to my
ear. “Hello?”
“Baby, hey.” I relax against the soothing tone of
his words. How did I think I could live without this? “I need to
see you. Are you at Eve’s?”
“Oh, um, no, she uh, had a date. I didn’t want to
intrude.”
Silence.
“Jonah?”
“You’re at your place? Alone?” I hear the accusation
in his voice, chasing away the calm. Bitterness burns in my chest,
squashing optimism and reviving my broken heart.
How dare he act like I’m a child. He was at a strip
club. With Candy!
“No, I’m not home. I’m out. Why?” My clipped words
come out harsher than I intend, but oh well.
“Where are you? I need to talk to you.”
“You’ve got me on the phone. So talk.”
More silence. I wait.
“Raven, what’s going on with you? You sound, I don’t
know, pissed or something.”
Is he joking?
“How was your
meeting
?” I say, my voice laced
with acid.
“It was good.” He draws out his words
cautiously.
Yeah, I bet it was.
“Oh, yeah? Good, huh? I bet it was. I bet it was
real
good.” The sarcasm in my voice is so obvious I sound
completely ridiculous.
“That’s it, Raven, where the fuck are you? I don’t
know what’s going on, but this attitude you’re throwing is pissing
me off.”
“Oh, God forbid.”
He growls, and I know I’ve upset him.
Ha!
Now
he knows how it feels.
“You want to know how my meeting was? It was
perfect. Better than perfect. That’s what I want to talk to you
about.”
Did he just say that being with Candy was perfect?
Better than perfect? That jerk!
“You’re a liar!”
“What? What the fuck are you talking about?”
I’m breathing heavy, and anger keeps me from
articulating an answer. All I want to do is scream.
“What is it, baby?” His words drip with sarcasm.
“You run out of shit to talk? Those sweet little lips of yours
can’t keep up with you being a bitch—”
I gasp. Loud. “
What
did you call me?”
“Fuck. That’s not what I meant—”
“No, Jonah. You just called me the b-word. I can’t
believe you just called me that!” The tone in my voice is so high
I’m surprised my windows don’t burst.
“Baby, calm down.”
“Do
not
call me baby. Not after what you’ve
done. Not after tonight.” A whine slides up my throat and I burst
into tears.
“Raven, you’re scaring me. Where are you? I’ll come
to you.”
I whimper and sob, knowing I should hang up, but
lacking the power to say good-bye.
“Please don’t cry. Look, I’m sorry. It’s just been a
long day, and I need to see you.”
I take a deep cleansing breath as Guy’s words flood
my mind. This is it. The moment he was talking about. I swallow a
shaky breath. I have a choice to make. Fight or give up.
I love Jonah with all my heart. As disgusting as it
is, I would take him even now after he’s been with Candy. But what
kind of a future do we have? Putting his life at risk isn’t an
option. And fighting for our love will only be prolonging the
inevitable. Dominick has me. Besides, the fight takes energy. It
takes words and emotions that I’ve run clean out of. I’m drained in
every possible way.
I have no fight left.
“Good-bye, Jonah.”
~*~
Jonah
“Fuck!” I launch my phone across the room. It
shatters against the wall. I’ve just destroyed my only way of
getting in touch with Raven.
My ass drops to the couch and I rest my elbows on my
thighs. I run my hands through my hair like my head is a genie’s
bottle and I’m begging for my three wishes.
What in the hell just happened?
You called her a bitch, asshole.
What was I thinking? I was pumped up from my meeting
with Dominick and sick of being away from Raven all day. I’ve never
seen that attitude from her before. It caught me off guard, and I
slipped. But she was pissed before that.
Growling in frustration, I sit back and stare at the
ceiling in my living room. This isn’t over. I’m not letting her get
away with a simple fucking hang-up.
No. She will talk to me and tell me what the fuck is
going on. Jumping up from the couch, I grab my keys. I’ll drive
every street of this city until I find her.
My truck thunders through the streets of Las Vegas.
I check everywhere. First Raven’s studio, then Nori Pizza where Eve
works. The hostess gave me Eve’s address so I could check there.
After I talk to Raven and give her a firm spanking, I’m talking to
Eve. Employees shouldn’t be giving out addresses. The way the girl
acted, I probably could have gotten her bank account and social
security numbers if I’d asked.
No sign of her Nova anywhere. After an hour of
circling the city, I go back to her place and wait.
Parked out front of Guy’s Garage, I replay my
conversation with Raven for the millionth time. She usually answers
the phone with a smile in her voice. This time she was pissed from
hello. What could I have done to upset her from the time I left her
in my bed this morning?
I watch the numbers on the clock climb. It’s just
after one in the morning. Rubbing the exhaustion from my eyes, I
hear the familiar rumble of Raven’s Nova. She’s driving like an
Andretti. Her car screeches through the turn into the parking lot.
I jump out of my truck as she throws the Nova into a spot sideways.
She slams shut her car door, muttering something about reinforced
steel walls.
I make it to her as she’s turning around. She jumps
and stops herself just short of running into my chest. I reach to
pull her to me. She stiffens, dodging my embrace. Her eyes avoid
mine, but I can tell she’s been crying.
What the fuck?
“Baby, don’t close me out. I don’t understand what I
did—”
She silences me with a piercing glare.
“Okay, I called you a bi— uh, the b-word. I’m so
sorry for that. If I could take it back I would.”
I cup her cheek and pray she doesn’t push me away.
The moment my skin connects with hers, she presses into my hold and
closes her eyes. A lone tear makes a path down her face, pooling at
my hand.
“Baby, talk to me. What did I do? You were pissed
before I called you. When you answered the phone, I could tell you
were mad.” She leans into my hand. “What you said about my
meeting—”
She snaps out of my hold with wide eyes and stands
to her full five foot eight inches. Her face is hard, the softness
she showed earlier completely erased.
“What’s wrong? You want to know what’s wrong?” she
says with a shaky voice and cold, hard gaze.
I’ve never seen her like this. She’s furious. I
reach for her again and she shoves my arms away. I step back.
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong, Jonah. I was told
yesterday by my biological jerk-wad that he bred me for
prostitution. Then, my boyfriend took better care of me than I’ve
ever been taken care of in my life, just to turn around and break
my fucking heart!”
I flinch at her curse. “Broke your heart?”
“Do you know what it’s like to go your entire life
never being touched? Never being told that you’re loved?” She
laughs and her lip quivers as she wipes her tears. “No one was ever
there for me. Not when I was sick. Or sad. Never. Can you even
fathom the effect that has on a person? They have a term for it.
It’s called Failure-to-Thrive Syndrome.”
She exhales and her shoulders slump. “You want to
know the first time I heard the words ‘I’m proud of you’?”
My heart cramps with every broken word.
“March 16, 2007. Sick isn’t it? I remember the exact
day. I was fifteen years old. It wasn’t my mom or my dad who said
it. It was Guy. My high school shop teacher.”
Her eyes glisten with tears. I picture a little
dark-haired girl crying alone with no one to comfort her. My hatred
for her parents roots deep in my soul. Even now, it’s not my Raven
standing before me. It’s that sad little girl who desperately wants
to be loved. Who craves the touch and comfort that only a parent
can provide. I want to reach out and hold her, but her arms wrapped
around her body in a protective shield.
“Then you come along.” Her voice is softer now and
she meets my eyes.
I am undone, powerless against her pain.
“You hold me, protect me, worry about me . . . tell
me you love me. And the sun shines on me for the first time in my
life. I look beyond your past, your reputation, all because I’m so
desperate for what you give me. I fell so deeply and madly in love
with you I couldn’t see straight.”
I watch the clear waters of her eyes turn stormy and
cold. “And then you find out what I really am and you run to her.
Not even twenty-four hours after you left me warm in your bed, you
go to her!” Her last words break with the cries that assault her
body.
Her?
I don’t have any idea what she’s talking
about, but I hate myself anyway for hurting her like this.
“Raven, baby, you have to listen to me. I don’t know
what you’re talking about. Her? Her who? I didn’t run to anyone.
I’m right here with you.”
I brave a touch and wrap my hand around the nape of
her neck. Bending down so she can look in my eyes, I flex my
fingers into her skin. “Raven, look at me.”
Her eyes come to mine. The brokenness of her past
shines through their aquamarine depths.
“I love you. You’re the only girl I ever want to run
to.”
Her eyes narrow, but this time not in anger. This
looks more like confusion. “But . . . I saw you. You were there at
her club. I saw your truck outside in the lot.”
Shit.
I study my feet, but keep hold of her
neck. She knows I was at Zeus’s. She thinks I ran to Candy because
of everything that happened with Dominick.
It upsets me that she doesn’t believe my feelings
for her are stronger than what Dominick has planned. But I know
that’s not what made her believe I would run to Candy so easily.
Her lack of self-worth is ingrained. My hate for her parents
festers and spreads.
I’ll explain, get on my knees and beg if that’s what
it takes for her to understand. I’d do anything if it means I get
to keep the lost girl I hold in my hand.
“I was at Zeus’s Playground tonight, but it wasn’t
for the reason you think.”
Her face is still hard, but the muscles in her neck
relax a fraction.
“Blake and I had a meeting there.” I pause a second
to make sure she’s still with me. “We met with Dominick.”
“Jonah, why?” She steps close and grabs the wrist of
the arm that’s holding her. “He could have hurt you. Are you okay?”
She runs her hands over my chest, arms and up to my shoulders,
searching for physical damage.
My skin tingles at the touch I was afraid I might
never feel again. I take advantage and wrap my arms around her
waist to pull her closer.
“Yeah, I’m fine, but can we talk about this inside?”
I look up towards Raven’s studio and picture trying to cram myself
into her bed. Nope, not happening. “Or better yet, can I take you
home now? I’ll explain everything there.”