Authors: Michelle Betham
‘Can you try and let your mommy know how much I love her, kiddo? Huh? Because I think she’ll listen to you.’
Amber had to close her eyes as more tears started to stream down her face. What the hell was she doing?
‘I love her so much, your mommy. And I really don’t think she knows that. I don’t think she has any idea just what I would do for her. She’s my world, and I know you’re hers – I know you come before anybody in her life, and that’s the way it should be. You’re her little miracle. You’re something she never thought she’d have. And that’s what she is to me. She’s something I never thought I’d have, because I treated her so badly, your mom. I hurt her, so many times… and when you’re all grown up, you’re probably gonna come gunning for me if you ever find out just how badly I hurt her, because you are gonna love her so much, do you know that? You are gonna love her and you’re gonna want to protect her, but that’s something we have in common, kiddo. I love her, and all I want to do is protect her. All I want to do is make up for the past and give your mommy so much love…’
He stopped talking, his eyes staring down at Rico, and Amber had to blink away yet more tears.
‘I won’t lose her,’ Jim went on, laying Rico gently down into his cot. ‘I won’t lose her, not again. So… so you tell your mommy – you tell her I love her, you got that? You tell her.’
Amber moved back inside the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her, finally letting those tears fall as she sank to the floor. She loved him, too. But, with every inch of her breaking heart, she wished she didn’t.
*
Jim bent down to pick up his jacket from the hall floor, slipping it back on as he turned and looked up the stairs. He was walking away from the woman he loved with an obsession that was fast taking over everything. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus, couldn’t get his head together to deal with the kind of things he could usually sort out with his eyes closed. He was walking away from her. He was letting her do whatever crazy thing she thought was right when all he could see was her drifting further and further away from him.
Looking down at the floor he breathed in deeply, exhaling slowly as he turned to open the front door. He was walking away. And it was the last thing he wanted to do.
The cool night air hit him with a wave of reality so brutal he just hadn’t seen it coming, and as the door closed behind him, he leaned back against it and cried like he’d never cried before.
‘You can stop making me cups of tea now, Kevin. Really. I
can
actually make my own, remember? I’m quite capable.’
‘Well, I just thought, with you being a big celebrity now, that you’d have people to do that for you. And I want you to feel at home here.’
Amber looked at Kevin, raising an eyebrow. ‘I hope you’re not being serious, because I’m going to correct you on a couple of things there. One, I’m not some big celebrity, okay? I work for a satellite sports channel and co-host a football-themed game show with Ronnie White, who will always be more famous than I’ll ever be. I’m not Angelina Jolie. And two, over at Cloud Sports the tea and coffee is made by anyone who happens to get up from behind their desk at a time when people are gasping for a brew. That’s the way it works.’
‘So, flashing your legs or wearing a low-cut dress doesn’t make you exempt, then?’ Kevin winked.
‘It’s
so
good to see you’re still the same old sexist pig you always were, Kevin.’
‘It’s what I do best, kiddo. You here in the office today?’
‘No. I’m going over to Wearside Spartans’ training ground this morning. Doing a piece with a couple of their players on their so far, successful F.A. Cup run. Why?’
‘No reason.’ Kevin shrugged. ‘It’s just nice having you around again. Even if I’ve still got no clue as to
why
you’re here.’
Amber leaned back against her desk, folding her arms. ‘No. And if I’m being honest, Kevin, I’m beginning to wonder myself.’
He looked at her, a genuinely concerned expression on his face. ‘Are things really okay with Jim?’
‘Things are complicated. I love him so much, yet I’ve chosen to be apart from him. My relationship with Ryan is in some kind of limbo… I’m being really cold with him and I have no idea why, half the time. I mean, I know he can be a real pain in the arse at times, but all that crap he’s had to deal with recently…’
Kevin raised an eyebrow.
‘What was
that
look for?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Now I know how annoying
I
must sound when I say that. Look, having Ryan Fisher’s baby has probably complicated my life so much I… but that baby, I wanted him so badly, Kevin. It just all happened the wrong bloody way.’
‘What’s going on with Ronnie?’
She stared at him, saying nothing for a beat or two. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You two had some kind of falling-out?’
She didn’t answer that, she just shrugged.
‘He’s been on the phone, you know.’
‘Has he?’
‘He seems pretty down.’
‘I haven’t spoken to him for a while.’
‘Which is why I’m going to repeat my original question – have you two had some kind of falling out?’
Amber pushed a hand though her hair, sighing a touch too heavily. ‘He’s getting too involved with things that are… things that have got nothing to do with him. We haven’t had a fight, as such, it’s just that things are a bit strained, I suppose. What he’s saying, he has no right to, Kevin.’
‘Even if it’s only because he cares about you?’
‘How much has he told you?’
‘He hasn’t gone into any detail, but it doesn’t take a genius to hazard a guess, does it? Your private life has been anything but over the past couple of years, so – and forgive me if I’m out of line, here, but, maybe Ronnie just doesn’t understand how you really feel.’
‘About what?’
‘About your marriage, Amber. I’m guessing that Ronnie doesn’t agree with you marrying Jim Allen. Again. After everything that’s happened.’
‘Everything?’
‘Jesus, sweetheart, I’m not Jeremy Kyle. I’m not going to stand here and help you sort it all out, I’m just saying that, whatever’s going on, maybe you should just cut Ronnie a bit of slack. You two, you’ve been friends for too long to let something – no matter what it is – get between that.’
She looked at Kevin, letting out another, quieter sigh. ‘You know we were more than friends, right? And I don’t mean back when he was a player. You know about that affair we had last year.’
Kevin looked away briefly before meeting her gaze again. ‘Yeah. I knew. Is that still a problem?’
‘I think it was just something we both needed to get out of our systems, you know? I’m not saying it was right or that it didn’t contribute to all the crazy shit that went on last year, but, it was something that was probably always gonna happen. At some point. But we’re over that. That isn’t the problem.’
‘Well,’ Kevin sighed, picking up his mug of tea and making to leave. ‘Whatever it is, you should talk to him. He misses you.’
Amber watched her ex-producer’s retreating back as he headed towards his office, feeling a headache start to pound behind her eyes.
‘Were you ever gonna get round to calling me?’
She swung around at the sound of that familiar Geordie accent, fixing him with a stare. ‘I’ve been busy.’
‘Busy complicating your life even more than it already is, huh?’
‘What are you doing here, Ryan?’
‘I’m on a three-match ban, remember?’
‘And that means you can’t train, does it?’
‘No. Not exactly. But, coincidentally, I’ve also picked up a slight ankle injury, which means that I can’t actually train for a day or two anyway.’
‘How lucky,’ Amber said, probably a touch too sarcastically.
‘So, were you ever gonna call me?’
‘Yes, Ryan, I was gonna call you, okay? When I had a spare minute.’
‘And you haven’t had a spare minute since you got here? What you been doing when you leave work? Partying?’
She threw him a stare that could freeze water.
‘Have you left him?’ Ryan leaned back against her desk, folding his arms and adopting a stance way too comfortable for Amber’s liking. This wasn’t like old times. This was so far from old times.
‘No, I haven’t left him. Not that it’s any of your business.’
‘You’re the mother of my baby…’
‘I’m the mother of your baby, Ryan, yes, but that does not give you the right to know every little detail of my life.’
‘Why are you here, then? If you haven’t left him? Because, and you quite obviously haven’t been keeping an eye on the press lately, that’s what the papers are saying.’
Amber’s head shot up. ‘I’m sorry? The papers are saying
what
?’
‘That you and Jim have separated.’
‘Well, they’re wrong.’
‘You might want to try telling
them
that.’
‘I shouldn’t have to. They shouldn’t be writing crap like that.’
‘Y’know, it amazes me that you
still
haven’t quite got the hang of what kind of life you’re leading now.’
Amber stared at him.
‘You’re not Amber Sullivan, local news reporter any more, have you got that yet? You got involved with me, then it all came out about you and Jim Allen; you became one of the most well-known faces in English football … oh, and then you got pregnant. With
my
baby. You’ve put yourself out there, and whether you like it or not, sweetheart, everybody wants to know your every move now.’
‘I’m really not that interesting.’
Ryan just raised an eyebrow.
‘I’ll ask again, Ryan. What are you doing here?’
‘Where’s Rico?’
‘You know where he is. He’s with my Aunty Kim.’
‘Can’t we go and get him?’
‘
We
can’t do anything. I’m working.’
He threw her a confused look.
‘Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think I was up here for a holiday?’
‘I don’t know why the frig you’re here, Amber. And I’m not sure you do, either.’
‘I’m due at Wearside Spartans’ training ground in half an hour. I’m recording a piece for Cloud Sports, so if you’ll excuse me…’
‘Hang on… Amber, wait.’
She swung around to face him. Why the hell did he still have to look so hot? His messed-up dark hair, heavy stubble and those dark-blue eyes always had a habit of pulling her in, even though she had no intention of ever going there again. ‘What?’
‘Can
I
go and get him?’
‘Yes, you can,’ she sighed. ‘Just give Kim a call and let her know you’re on your way. Where are you taking him?’
He looked at her, and for a second Amber remembered just why she’d got into this mess in the first place. Because, once upon a time, he had stood there in front of her, looking just like he did now. And she was never going to be rid of him, because she was always going to remember that.
‘I thought we could come and find you. Maybe spend some mum, dad and Rico time together, seeing as we get very little chance to do that.’
Amber rummaged around in her pocket for her car keys, avoiding his gaze. ‘That’s because mum, dad and Rico time isn’t even on the agenda, Ryan.’
‘But mum, Rico and Uncle Jim time is, is that it?’
This time she did look at him. ‘Do you know how childish you sound at times?’
‘I just want us to spend a couple of hours together, Amber. Just you, me and
our
son.’
‘I’m not having this conversation here, Ryan.’
He fell into step beside her as she walked towards the lift. ‘Is an hour gonna kill you?’
She waited until the lift doors had closed before she spoke again. ‘I’m gonna be a couple of hours with the Spartans squad. I’ll call you when I’m done, okay? And I’ll come meet you. We’ll take Rico for a walk on the Quayside. Maybe stop for a drink or something.’
Ryan smiled, a wide and beautiful smile that Amber hoped beyond anything their son would inherit, because, no matter what she felt for him, Ryan Fisher was still one of the hottest men around. She certainly wouldn’t be disappointed if Rico turned out to be the same, without his daddy’s attitude, of course. ‘Okay.’
The lift doors opened at the ground floor, but Amber was going down to the basement car park. ‘It’s only a walk, Ryan.’
He stepped out into the News North East reception, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his dark-blue jeans. ‘Thanks, Amber.’
‘Like I said, it’s just a walk. And make sure Rico’s wrapped up, alright? It’s still quite chilly out there.’
As soon as the lift doors shut again, she closed her eyes and wondered if she’d done the right thing. But it was an afternoon out with their baby, that was all. That’s all it was.
Tossing her hair back over her shoulder she strode purposefully across the quiet underground car park towards her black Mercedes-Benz. Her beloved pale-blue Fiat 500 was back down in London, safely ensconced in the ridiculously huge garage at her and Jim’s new home.
‘You still look good in heels, has anyone told you that lately?’
She looked up, rolling her eyes as she saw Ronnie leaning against her car. ‘I don’t know why I bothered coming up here when everybody just seems to be following me.’
‘Everybody?’ Ronnie frowned. ‘I mean, I knew Ryan was up here, obviously, but… Jim’s here?’
She shook her head, pressing the key fob to open the doors. ‘Not now he isn’t. He has been, though.’
‘When?’
She threw him a look that told him it really wasn’t any of his business.
Ronnie bowed his head, his arms still folded against him. ‘You haven’t left him, then?’
‘Why does everyone think I’ve left him?’
‘Because that’s what it looks like, Amber. Now, I don’t know what the hell’s going on in your head right now, but whatever
you
think it looks like, to everyone else it looks like you’ve left him. And that’s what the press is saying, too.’
‘Yes, thank you, I’ve already had this off Ryan.’
‘Ryan?’ Ronnie frowned.
‘He was here. Just before. He’s picked up an injury or something so he can’t train for a couple of days. He’s gone to get Rico.’