Find Me (Truthful Lies Trilogy - Book Two) (26 page)

“
Blaze, I’m
so
sorry about that—”

“
Let me finish, X. It doesn’t give you that
right.
Nothing
gives
you that right. But it’s worse than that. Because I know that shit
wasn’t you. That shit is...
this
!”
I point at the joints. “The coke, the H. And even if the drugs
didn’t turn you to Mr. Hyde, what would I do, X, if you and
I
did
get close again, and then one
day you spiked too much because you just couldn’t get enough, and
then died? I can’t go through that again. So, it’s simple, I think
there’s more to you. You’re more than this crap. And
that
Xavier, the one I knew when we
were kids, playing in the mud and pulling each other’s hair, that
Xavier was always a friend.
Him
I
cared about.
You
. But you’re
not
you
on this
crap. And that part of my life is over, X. It took my best friend’s
life.

“
I won’t let it take
her brother’s life as well.”

This last statement undoes him completely.
And his head falls into his hands
—the tip of the smoke burning dangerously close to
his long curly hair.

He regains composure and I say to him,
“I’m taking the bullet from the
Ruger
, X.”

He doesn’t answer. I get up, move around
him, pick the gat up from the couch. He showed me how to use it
years ago, so I open up the cylinder and take out the single
three-fifty-seven Magnum cartridge (basically, one
motherfucking
strong bullet!) I put the
bullet on the table, put the gat back on the couch. I sit down
again. “I’m sure you have plenty more of these things lying
around.” I point at the bullet. “And I’m not going to take an
illegal firearm out with me and end up getting arrested for it.
It’s
your
life,
Xavier. But if you continue to live it the way you do, I’m not
going to be a part of it. You have to know that. I appreciate what
you’ve done for me from the bottom of my heart. I’m also not
oblivious to the pain you’ve caused me. And that’s not intended to
blame you, because I’m fully aware of my role in it as well. But
I’ve chosen to face my guilt. You need to do the same. And then
you
need to
move on
. A really
close”—I ponder the right word—“
friend
of mine told me that there’s just no point in playing the
facts over and over in your head. It happened. We need to learn
from it and
move forward
.
And if you can’t do that, you’re on a different track to the rest
of us. You hear me?”

“
This is all I know, Blaze. This is all
I’ve ever known. I don’t even know where to start. Where do
I
start
?”

“No one can answer that but you, X.”

He sucks in a desperate drag of nicotine.
“This high is so totally fuckin busted it ain’t funny.”

I say nothing. “I’m gonna go,
Xavier.
Thank
you
...from the bottom of
my heart. You changed so many things for me. But this is goodbye.
If you wanna come clean, I’ll help you. But you gotta do it all the
way—no using, no selling. And if you blow your brains out, I ain’t
gonna come and fucking clean your gray matter off this floor. I’m
sorry, I can’t do that again. I just can’t. But if you do come
clean, I’ll be there for you. All the way. And you’ll have a friend
in me. I promise you that. You hear me?”

In
a rough voice, he mutters, “Yeah.”

“So, what’s it gonna be?”

He sucks in a drag. “Blaze, I wanna stop.
I really do. But...the memories are too hard.” Silence. He thinks
about it a second. Then, as if telling his mother he’s stolen money
out her purse, he looks down and mumbles, “I can’t stop, Blaze.
I...
won’t
...stop.”
He doesn’t look me in the eyes.

“
I see.
Well, if that’s your choice...” I stand. I look at the gun,
the bullet. I turn to leave. Two steps from the door, I turn back.
Xavier hasn’t moved. I walk up to him again, bend down. I kiss his
head. Then I grab the fucking bullet off the table. Maybe he
doesn’t
have more.
I can hope
.

And I walk out.

Vikki’s chewing her nails. Vlad and Sasha
stand like bouncers around her. She almost knocks me over with a
hug when she sees me. I’m shaking as I hold her. I hold out the
bullet to Vlad behind her. He gra
bs it and puts it in his pocket; gives me a tight,
respectful nod.

All this time, I’m waiting for the
BOOM
from behind the door, the one
confirming that Xavier has indeed pulled another cartridge out,
loaded it, and then fired.

I think this is why I don’t let Vikki go.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
It plays over and over in my
mind. “We need to go,” she says.

BOOM
, I hear in my mind. “Sure.”

Every step on the expensive carpeting is
another
BOOM
. I imagine
it as the elevator dings. I turn, and see Xavier’s door at the end
of the hallway. The elevator closes. There is no
BOOM
.

I think of that philosophical conundrum about
a tree and it falling. And would I hear the bullet from all the way
down on the first floor? When we get outside, I look up at his
terrace. We close the doors to Sasha and Vlad’s five series
BMW.

In my mind, I’ve heard the boom a hundred
times already. But the tree is on its own now. And if it
goes
BOOM
, I won’t
hear it. At least I got to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye
to Savva. I always wish I had. If I could only say goodbye, I think
I could finally let her go.

BOOM.
It’s not the bullet. It’s my eyes. And they’re
watering.
BOOM BOOM BOOM.

I text Deck.

Me: I love you.

He texts me back.

Declan: I love you, too. I miss
you.
And I
need you.

I need him, too. I need him so badly that
it hurts. I ask Vikki if she’ll drop me off at his place. She does.
And he’s already there. Alone.
His expression looks like he’s been through a war. “Tough
day?” I sit on the couch next to him and cross my legs.

“
Rough
,” he says.

“I can see it.”

He rubs the back of his fingers over my
temple. “Nothing compared to yours. That’s even plainer to see.
What the fuck happened?”

I don’t argue. Because I think he’s right
on that count. “I said goodbye to some old ghosts. That’s all. Did
you make the money you wanted to?”

“
More than that.
Much
more.”

As a joke, I say,
“And, did the ‘hot blonde’ seduce
you?”

His eyes flicker away nervously. He
hesitates a second before answering. Then, stammering, he says,
“Uhm, no, no.” He clears his throat. “It was cool. All above
board.”

My skin goes cold.
“Oh. Cool. So...all ran fine?”

He moves a little away from me. “Yeah,
just business, you know. Whatever. Boring shit.”

I scratch my lip, wondering why I’m
sensing a level of discomfort here that I can’t pinpoint. Maybe
she
ran her fingers
through his hair and made him uncomfortable or something, and he
doesn’t want to burden me with it.

I let it go.

I lie down on the couch, and put my head on
his lap. I stroke his knee. The sun is setting fast. “You not
hanging with Trev and Skate tonight?”

“No, I just wanted to be with you.”

“Me too.”

“Wanna spend the night again?”

I wanna spend every
night
. “Yeah. But only
if you spend the night at my place tomorrow.”

“Deal. I gotta catch up on my reading.”

“Not making it with your e-reader?”

“
It’s not that. Your place is cool to read
in in the morning—the way the light glows in, golden and
peaceful.”

“
Yeah. I’m gonna miss it.
I mean, when the lease runs
out.”

He runs his fingers slowly over the shaved
side of my hair, then moves his hand over to my shoulder. “How’s
your new friend’s place?”

“Not nearly as large as mine. But maybe it’ll
be cool to get a roommate, you know. A new leaf.”

His hand moves down my arm, then up again.
“So you’re not gonna look for a place anymore?”

I shrug as best I can while lying down. “I’ll
see how things go.” I tell him about Randy’s call, and the
potential label deal.

“Damn, that changes things. Money changes
everything.” His tone is wistful.

I sit up, peer at him. “Deck, you sure you
OK?”

“
I’m good. Just a lot on my mind. Look,
there’ll be a small memorial service for my pops on the weekend.
Would you come with me?”

“
Of course.
I’d be honored to.” I move in and intend to peck
him lightly on the cheek, but he turns, and his lips connect with
mine.

And just like that, all is right with the
world.

Completely, and absolutely
right
.

Now on his bed,
I can’t shake the feeling there’s an invisible
barrier between us. As he takes off my sweater and top in the dark,
moves his lips to my nipples and kisses them, I sense it. I try and
connect with him. I try and bring back the heat and the
lost-in-the-moment passion we’ve felt together for the last week,
but it’s as elusive as a plume of smoke in a howling
tornado.

As he enters me, I hold him tightly around
the neck. In my ear, he says, “I love you, Blaze
Ryleigh. I love you endlessly.”

Thrusting inwards, he holds me. And I gasp
the words back at him, “I love you, too.”

Sweat forms between our touching temples.
Sounds increase and tension mounts. We grow closer, we climb, we
roar, we howl exquisitely. That pleasant sting hits us. And we
tumble over the edge together.

In the end, he turns from me,
looks up at the ceiling. I put
my hand on his chest, kiss his ear. “You know you can tell me
anything, right, Deck?”

He swallows. “I know. But if I don’t, just
know that it’s because I don’t want you to worry.”

That one hurts a little. “Can I trust you?
Just answer me that.”

His face turns to me and his glowing blue
eyes burn into my soul. With all the sincerity in the world, he
says, “You can trust me absolutely. I promise you that.”

I run a hand over his golden hair. “OK.
Just know that I’m a big girl. I can take a lot of shit. I think I
learned that today.”

“I’m trying to save you the shit in the first
place.”

“
I see. OK. Fine. Just know that I’m here
for you. OK?”

“
OK.” He kisses me, long and
passionately.

It isn’t as quick the second time round,
but it does happen again: The world disappears. And so do its
worries.

And so does this conversation.
BOOM BOOM
BOOM.

Declan Cox

A degree of normalcy enters our lives.
And, for the first time in a long time, I feel myself settling into
a complacent routine. Every now and then I think of pops—and that
final image of him will be forever imprinted in my mind—but I find
comfort in thinking he left us in doing one final, gallant act. An
act that, essentially, saved the life of his son. Because my boys
are my life. And now, so is my girl. So, thinking of how pops saved
Trev’s life starts setting my mind at ease.
Time heals
, and even though it’s been only a week, I feel
that mental convalescence strongly. It helps that Catalina didn’t
bother putting up a fight. “Cut and dry,” said the prosecutor.
She’s trying to blame me for “enraging her” but pretty much
confesses to pulling the trigger—and regretting the shit out of
it.

We all live with our regrets, don’t we?

Doc Abrahams called
me and said he cleared it with Gina’s
parents: I’m cool to continue visiting her to assist in her
therapy. I do it twice more. And, both times, she flips. Both
times, she calls me the devil. Both times, I retch when I get
outside the home. The rage and terror in her eyes is so thick I can
feel it hit me like a punch every time I’m with her. That’s been
twice now—it’s Thursday today. Doc Abrahams, however, keeps telling
me this is “the most progress” they’ve seen in months. So I agree
to do it more.

The only problem
is the nightmares: Gina’s dark blue eyes—large and
quivering with eternal terror—find their way into my dreams. I
awake twice in a sweat, once at Blaze’s place. Once at my own;
Blaze by my side.

Blaze asks, “Is it your pops?”