Read FIND YOUR HAPPY: An Inspirational Guide to Loving Life to Its Fullest Online
Authors: Shannon Kaiser
4. You can’t change the world but you can change your view of the world. Real change starts with you.
5. Things don’t happen to you, you create your reality.
6. Every situation, relationship and challenge is a lesson.
7. Taking time to play is a human necessity.
Additional
Resources:
Audio Meditation:
Find
Your
Happy:
Motivational
Mantras,
Track 2, “Let Go” (available on iTunes,
amazon.com
, and
playwiththeworld.com
shop).
“You
only
lose
what
you
cling
to.”
– Buddha
Put Down the Pity Party
O
ne morning, I noticed a homeless person holding up a handwritten sign that said, “Passing through, anything helps.” He was surrounded by all of his belongings — one small duffel bag, a backpack, and an extra pair of tennis shoes with the soles half off. I couldn’t help but wonder about the drama I felt when I woke up. Oh no, I would be late for work, rush hour traffic sucks the life out of me, my boyfriend never called me back the other night, I ate too much ice cream the night before and I feel gross this morning, I meant to get up early to work out today, but the snooze button got the best of me, the list went on. Seeing this homeless man, helped me put them into perspective. We will always have situations that cause us frustration, so putting our issues into perspective is important to living a fulfilled life.
One of Newton’s laws of motion declares that “everything that happens has an equal and opposite reaction.” If we react to a situation that occurs, we cause even more ripples of frustration, anger, and resentment. This chapter is about letting situations happen in life without reacting to them. When we detach from the emotional aspect of events that happen in life, we can have a more balanced perspective that will help us make more rational and focused choices.
I can speak from personal experience about the power of balance and keeping emotions in check. I was the person who reacted to everything (and I still catch myself doing this). When I was six years old, my older brother was babysitting me and he told me it was time to go to bed. I looked at him, slammed my foot into the ground and said, “NO.” He gave me a few more minutes. About ten minutes later, he said, “Okay, now it is time go to bed.” I yelled, “No!” Naturally, as the big brother, he sensed I might be taking advantage of him and he got stern with me. I didn’t like that one bit. After turning profusely red, I started to cry and scream. My body became tingly with overwhelming emotions of anger, frustration, worry, and fear . . . all because I didn’t want to go to bed.
Even as a young girl my stubborn personality trait was evident. I was not one to do anything I didn’t want to do, and it was indeed my way, or the highway. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy that my brother began to worry. He watched my flushed red face puff up from the waterworks. I choked on my own tears. My body started to shake. He didn’t know what to do to get me to stop, so he put a towel around me and hugged me. He put his body weight onto me to get me to calm down. He was trying to let me know I was loved. But the shock of my big brother lying on top of me was so shocking that I started to scream even louder and declare, “I am NOT going to bed!”
Each emotion fed off the next, like a lion attacking its innocent prey. Worry turned into fear, fear turned into anger, and so on. At this point I was just a body in the scene—Shannon had stepped out temporarily. The emotions were so strong that my rational loving heart was nowhere to be found. I was a wet, hot mess consumed with fear and tears of rage. Talk about being a drama queen . . .
all
of
this
because
I
didn’t
want
to
go
to
bed.
Eventually my brother learned to back away and let my emotions take their course. I had to process all of them before I could get to a place of peace. Getting to peace is a scary process if we are afraid to look at our emotions. How many times have emotions taken over and gotten the best of you? It is a guarantee that dramas will come in and out of our lives forever, but it is how we work through each situation that determines success in life. When we can feel our emotions we are able to let go of the hold they take over us. It is when we run from them and choose not to acknowledge them that our lives feel chaotic and stressed.
Simply sit with the feeling and say, “Okay, I feel stressed right now. Okay, stress, I see you. Let me move through you.” When we hold on to emotions and don’t process them, they turn into larger problems, sometimes even disease. It is important to be one with our emotions and stop blaming others for our unhappiness. We have the power to be happy. We choose. In every given moment you can choose a happy or sad thought. Only you have the power to be fulfilled and satisfied. It starts with a happy thought. We cannot blame the world for what happens to us. I understand that some pretty nasty things take place, but our thoughts govern our responses to the events in our world. We must take responsibility; whether we like it or not, we have asked for every single thing in our lives. If we do not like it, it is up to us to change it.
Release Resentment
Life is really short. The older we get, the more experience, knowledge, and wisdom we collect, and the shorter it feels. We will not be on our deathbed thinking about the toys we bought or the fancy cars we went into debt to buy. It will be memories of the people who touched our lives — family, friends, even a stranger we connected with in a random situation — that we will carry through eternity. Every person in our lives has a purpose to help us feel, grow and see ourselves in a new, more appreciative light.
I spent much of my life holding on to resentments from past relationships that didn’t last. I carried a giant chip on my shoulder and made future predictions about men being cheaters and liars. I told myself lies to make my false generalizations seem more realistic. So, naturally, when a really nice man did come into my life, I would be so closed off I couldn’t see all of his princely charms. It took me many years to learn that past experiences do not have to dictate our identities or future. Most of us borrow fear from the past and project it onto the future. By replaying the “boy cheated on me” drama, we continue to make ourselves feel right by attracting the type of people who would cheat on us. This may feel a little heady, but bear with me.
Think about a situation in your life that isn’t working as well as you would like it to be. Perhaps a boss isn’t giving you a raise. Your current relationship feels different than it used to. Perhaps you want something that you don’t have.
One
simple
step
is
necessary
to
getting
whatever
we
want
in
life:
Release
resentment.
If you are carrying around resentment towards your boss because your raise is overdue, the single best action you can take is to release your energetic hold. By simply letting go of the past, we are set free.
I spent ten years carrying around a resentment left over from a past boyfriend. Nothing particularly bad happened when we ended, but because things did not turn out the way I thought they would, I had resentment towards him and to all the men I dated. I thought because that one relationship ended that love wasn’t real and could never last. I had such a large chip on my shoulder that it made it impossible for anyone else to get close. Then on a two-week personal retreat to Paris, it hit me. I needed to forgive him and more importantly I needed to forgive myself. As soon as I did that something miraculously shifted inside of me. I felt more at peace.
Forgiveness Will Set You Free
When we choose to see others in a loving way, we are more connected to our true self. When we walk around with resentment, we tend to push people away and create more stressful situations. People come into our lives to teach us about ourselves. Every person in your life is there to help you in one way or another. Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” When we forgive people, they can be free to be themselves. When we forgive people, we feel less resentment and blockage allowing other opportunities to come into our lives.
Sometimes people do things that really hurt. Our natural response is to get angry. We may even feel justified in wanting to “get even” with anyone who inflicts injury on our family or ourselves, but revenge will only create more suffering. You will feel more empowered when you forgive a person for their ill will because all actions of hate are just a cry for love. When someone does something unloving or unkind, it is a simple cry for a hug. Most of the time things happen out of emotions that separate us from happiness. Jealousy, manipulation and sabotage are all ugly disguised cousins of fear. Fear dresses up in many hats, but it always does one thing to us: it makes us act in ways we don’t normally want to.
Fear traps us in our own thoughts of separation. The endless rage, resentment, guilt, and anger drain the life out of everything we do. By learning to recognize fear and say, “No way, not today,” we can step into the light and learn to use loving thoughts and forgive others who hurt us. We say hurtful words to loved ones when we feel threatened or feel wronged. We act out in self-abuse by overeating, overworking or over indulging on harmful substances rather than practicing self-love and appreciation for each other. Forgiving others is one of the most important things you can do to become happier. When you are happy you are not stuck in the past or worried about something someone else did to you because you know that it was never about you anyway. Would you rather feel angry, anxious, stressed, and frustrated, or happy, free, satisfied, and fulfilled? Choose to forgive and you will be able to love your life more fully.
It’s Not About You
Most of us spend our lives trying to execute a perfectly crafted plan to appease other people, but forget to check in with ourselves. We assume that when our best friend doesn’t call back that we did something wrong or that our boss won’t give us a raise because they don’t like us. Well, did your boss ever tell you he doesn’t like you? Did you ever forget to call someone back? Many times things happen and we humans, with all the emotional cobwebs intertwined inside us, get caught up in the moment and assume it is about us. When things aren’t going your way or you assume someone is doing something out of character because of you, use this hard and fast rule:
It
is
never
about
you.
EVER.
We have taught ourselves to take things personally. We are born into a loving light with family, friends, doctors and loved ones caring for our every need. They take us in with unconditional love, bathe us, shelter us, feed us, and love us. The whole world revolves around us.
Then something happens that makes us question our world. Mom and dad fight. We see a car accident. Our brother hits us and makes us see the other side of love. Whatever occurs, our worldview automatically shifts. We see things in a different light and because of our previous existence when the world revolved around us, we feel a sense of subconscious entitlement. We assume dad is fighting with mom because he is mad at us. We think that everything that happens is about us. My challenge for you is to look at life in a slightly different perspective. What if everything that happens is not about you but about them? People say and do things not because of you, but because of their own fears.
For example, I spent 15 years yo-yoing 30 pounds of weight — up, down, up, down. I had insecurities and addictions I pushed through. Not until now can I say I am comfortable in my own skin. I finally realized that it isn’t about a number on a scale but who I am as a person. Are you doing good in the world? Are we making a difference? Are we generally good and doing no harm? It isn’t about the size, shape, or the color of your eyes. What is inside us makes us beautiful.
In the spirit of it not being about us, I recognized some common realities in my relationship with my father. While I was growing up he would always make comments about my weight, subconsciously engraving into my mind that I was not good enough. Recently, I pulled out a pint of ice cream and started eating it for dinner. I left the guilt behind and enjoyed every second of that silky, sweet bliss.
Looking at my mouth full of vanilla chip, sugary ice cream, my dad said, “You’re real serious about losing weight aren’t you?” I could have easily taken this comment personally and gone into an even deeper self-destructive mood. I could have defensively shot back, but I knew that what he said had nothing to do with me. I responded, “Forget weight, I am serious about living and enjoying life!”
A lot of the time people say and do things that reflect what they fear. He was looking at ice cream as a bad thing and not an appropriate dinner. He was not really concerned about my attempt to lose weight but rather with his insecurity about losing his own excess weight. Life is what we make of it, and when we stay stuck in negative thought patterns because we are busy picking apart looks, comments, and reactions from other people we lessen our own ability to live life to the fullest.
Choose Positive Thoughts
The brain can only hold one thought at a time, so why not choose a positive thought? Living a life of bliss, joy and abundant success means focusing on the good rather than the ugly. Choosing to think positively is a step towards happiness. There are two types of people in the world: those that blame the world for their problems and those that blame themselves. Those that blame themselves are usually a little more positive, but if you blame the world for your problems you can still learn to see the world in a kind, gentle, loving light vs. a harsh, negative fear-based one. When we pick happy things to think about, we shift our outcomes. If you don’t believe me, try it out for a week. Why not think about what you
want
rather than what you
don’t
want?
When we choose to focus on happy and good things, more happy and good things can come to us. When we focus on things that aren’t working or negative things we don’t want in our lives, we tend to get more of what we don’t want.