Authors: Sarah White
Chapter 15
Cait
It is not long until I notice he has fallen asleep and I let go of his hand and
roll over to get more comfortable. I lay here thinking about how
different life could have been if Matt would have said something when we were younger.
Now I am an almost divorced woman and he is a Marine,
neither
of us have roots anywhere and
that is how it needs to stay.
I am almost asleep when I feel him roll over. My stomach turns with
apprehension as I wait for him to settle in the bed. Even with the layers
of alcohol I can still smell the faint scent of his soap and I close my eyes as
I imagine turning to him and taking in a deep
breath
.
Suddenly he has wrapped his arms around me and scooped me closer to him so that
I can feel every inch of our bodies connected. His head is buried in my
hair and when I try to squirm out it is hopeless. He is asleep and I am
now wrapped up in him helpless to move and now realizing I don’t want to.
I take a deep breath and settle into his embrace letting his body warm more
than just my skin.
It must be about six in the morning when the sun shines through the blinds to
wake me. I panic and reach out to see if he is still with me. My
bed is empty and I relax as I stare at the ceiling and try to figure out where
he could have gone and what he must have thought when he woke up in bed with me
this morning. The consequences of sharing my bed ring loud as I already feel a
loss waking without him.
I jump out of bed and realize I am still in the same clothes I wore to the
bar. I feel disgusting and can’t wait to take a shower. First
things first, I need a Coke. At my age I should be drinking coffee like
the rest of the grown ups but I just never could get into the habit and prefer
the sugar over the strong coffee taste. I run my fingers through my
hair.
When I round the corner into the kitchen I see him standing there, leaning over
on the counter. His sweat pants hang from his hips and he is not wearing
a shirt. The sight of him standing there, sweaty from a morning run stops
me dead in my tracks. He is listening to his iPod as he fiddles with the
coffeemaker.
I pull myself together and make my way to the fridge praying that Court has
remembered my morning need for caffeine. I open the door and bend down to
look a little further back when I feel his eyes on me. I glance his way
and make eye contact and he laughs at my disappointment when I do not see my
morning staple in the fridge. Making an exaggerated angry face I shut the
door. When I look his way again he is messing with the coffee maker only
his left arm is stretched out beside him sliding something across the
counter.
“Thank heavens,” I sigh as he slides a cold six-pack of Coke to the edge of the
counter where I am standing.
“Some things never change Cait. I remember Court always insisting we had
Coke in the fridge for when you might need it. Are you ever going to
cross over into the adult world and drink coffee like the rest of us?” He
smiles as he finds the button that starts the coffee brewing.
“Never,” I say leaning back on the counter. I put the six-pack into the
fridge and pull one out of the rings for myself. “I am surprised she
remembered.”
“Don’t give her too much credit, I stopped and picked them up on the way back
from my run.” As he says this I crack open the Coke and it explodes all over me
and all over the floor. He is laughing as he says, “You really should
consider coffee.”
Rolling my eyes at him I put the Coke back on the counter and try to clean up
what I can of the explosion. When I am finished, I turn and head back
into the hallway towards the bathroom so I can wash the sticky soda off and
take a shower. “Thanks for the delightful experience, “ I say sarcastically
over my shoulder and Matt nods and stifles a laugh.
I feel
like a teenager again as I walk towards the bathroom. Somehow the weight
of the situation feels lighter and a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth.
I stop at Court’s room and peek in. She is still sleeping so I pull
her door closed and then make my way to the shower. It feels amazing to
rinse my hair and I stand in the shower once again letting the water run over
my head and down my face.
Wrapped in my towel, I leave the bathroom and make my way back into the kitchen
to get my unfinished
Coke
. Matt and Court are
both sitting at the table talking when I reach the counter. I can feel
Matt watching me as I retrieve my Coke and sit down at the table with
them. Logically I know that his attention does not equal love and will do
very little to fill the space that Court’s death is creating. I can’t
help but to let myself fall back into the playful banter of our childhood as we
sit around the table catching up.
“How are you feeling this morning?” I ask Court when there is a lull in
the conversation.
“Great, it was so nice to get out last night and be normal for a little
while. I probably can’t do it again but it was a great night and I am
glad you were both there for the last time. So Matt, find your way into
some lady’s bed last night? I heard the door early this morning and
figured you were on your way in.”
Matt quickly makes eye contact with me and then looks to his sister, “I did
actually. She was a little feisty but her hair smelt like flowers so I
overlooked it.” I can’t help but to smile at his compliment. I look at
him with an overly interested look and nod. I know Court won’t notice
because she is staring at him with a curious look.
“That’s it? That is all the juice Cait and I are going to get?” she asks
sounding like a teenager after prom.
“What else do you want to know? She was beautiful, funny and incredibly
sexy. I hope I get the pleasure of going home with her again,” he says as
he glances back in my direction.
“I’m sure you charmed her just like all the others,” Court says dryly and
returns to her coffee. “I am taking my shower can you two please play
nice and let Candy in when she gets here.”
Chapter 16
*Court
This is it, the last chance. I am not sure what happened between the two
of them when we were
younger,
both denying anything
had ever taken place. Some things just can’t be undone and since the
night they rode down to the beach together they had never acted the same.
My suspicion was confirmed a few months later when Cait told me about her first
kiss with Elliot. It should have been exciting and I had waited up late
to hear all about it.
When Cait told me the details her voice was flat and distant. I couldn’t
understand why she had not been excited and when I asked how it was she had
answered me, “Different.” I knew right away whose kiss she was comparing it
to. All of the pieces fell into place, the sudden tensions between them,
the lingering stares and the way they orchestrated everything so that they were
never alone together again. I could have just killed both of them for not
telling me about it, but I let her finish the story and keep up the rouse that
nothing had happened between her and Matt.
My heart was being selfish. Convincing myself that if there was anything
between them, Matt would mess it up and I would lose Cait. Letting it go
and not addressing it seemed like the best approach. If they couldn’t
tell me about it maybe they had figured out themselves that they couldn’t work
out, but deep in my heart I knew it wasn’t true. Some love is quick and
extinguishes fast while their love will forever keep burning. It didn’t
take long to realize what a mistake we all had made.
Matt had acted at
first like he didn’t care what she had been up to, but I know that he needs to
hear about her each time he calls. I no longer try to work it in to the
conversation, instead I have just learned to come right out and say her name
giving him as many details as I can about where her life is taking her.
Shortly after Elliot had the affair Matt had called me and I told him the
news. He acted indifferent about it but I knew it was his chance to
rekindle what was started so long ago. I finally came right out and told him
that he had waited long enough and he needed to make things right between the
two of them. When he didn’t deny it I knew I was right and begged him to
please tell her how he felt. He ended the call to with me by saying that
something are better left they way they are and that he had no life at home to
offer her.
Cait was much better at pretending to not still care about him. We would
talk for hours on the phone not once mentioning him and she would never ask how
he was doing or where he
was at.
The only time she
brought him up was on the night when the news had covered the story that a
large group of Marines had been killed just outside of the war zone as they
slept in their barracks. The first phone call that night had been from
Matt, letting me know he was ok but he had to hurry off the phone so other
Marines could call home. The next call was Cait. When I heard her voice I
knew what she needed to know so I told her he was fine and she whispered thank
you and hung up quickly as I heard Elliot enter the room on her end.
My death is going to be hard on them both and I need to stop covering for them
while I watch their lives spiral downward. When I die they will no longer
be connected, I won’t be there to keep them updated on what they have been
doing. This is the last chance I have at forcing them to acknowledge what
has been there since that night on the beach and I pray that this time they
don’t fuck it up on my behalf.
Chapter 17
Cait
When I am sure Court is far enough down the hall to not hear I whisper
to Matt, “Flowers, huh?”
“Of all the things I said about you that is what you want to ask me about?” he
asks tilting his head playfully to the side as he leans in closer. My
heart is pounding so fast I am sure he can see it as my face flushes. We
sit in the silence with his question hanging in the air between is.
Cat and Mouse is what he is offering but I won’t take the bait. Before
last night there was a clear line drawn in the sand, him on one side and me on
the other. We kept our distance and never complimented each other on
anything. For years we have kept the conversation on the level of
friendship and now I sit speechless, finding myself in the place I wanted to be
all of those years ago. Now it is too late, the feeling of doom and loss
well up in my chest as I look into his eyes and know that he will leave me too
so I need to keep my resolve to leave here first. I push away from the
table and make my way down the hall without a backwards glance.
When I finish getting dressed I walk out to the living room and take a seat on
the couch. Matt is in the shower and Court is in her room. Candy
knocks on the door and I let her in. She smiles at me kindly and we
exchange pained looks as we introduce ourselves and she asks me how Court is
doing.
“She is tired I think, but seems to be in good spirits given the
circumstances.” I say to her.
“She will get more tired so if there are things that need to be settled you
guys should start working on them. I will only be a few minutes with her and
then I will see you again tomorrow. I am going to leave my number on the
fridge for you and her brother incase you have an emergency or any
questions. I want to let you know that she has signed a DNR order.”
Sharp pain makes its way into my chest as reality begins to set in again.
Of course Court did not want to be resuscitated, but to think that she had to
discuss that with Candy alone broke my heart. What else had she signed I
wonder. I nod to Candy to let her know I have heard and then motion
towards the bedroom so she can find Court. Heading straight for the couch
I pray that my weak logs will carry me and breathe hard against the tightening
of my chest.
I am sitting at the edge of the couch trying to keep the lump in my throat from
leaping out when Matt walks into the room. Immediately reading the body
language I am failing to hide he stops dead in his tracks. “What’s the
matter?” he asks with clear panic in his voice. I tilt my head back and rest
it on the couch behind me.
“She signed a
DNR,” I say closing my eyes so the tears cannot escape. I can’t do this,
I
cant
keep being hit over the head with the news that
she is really going to die. It is all too real and too painful. I
want…no I need out. The day that I leave this grief behind cannot come
soon enough.
“Of course. We need to talk to her about her wishes Cait but I am going
to need to be drunk to do it.” How had we come back to this? One
minute we are catching up in the kitchen like friends who have been away from
each other too long, and now we sit here trying to wrap our minds around the
fact that Court will one day stop breathing and does not want anyone to help
her start again.
Matt sits down in the chair next to the couch and rubs his hand down my arm
then quickly pulls away as footsteps come down the hall. I sit up to see
who it is as Court walks into the room with a new beautiful scarf on her
head. Wishing I had half her grace, I smile up at her knowing she needs
me to do so. Nothing feels real anymore and I grab onto the couch
cushions to ground myself in this reality, the one where Court stands before me
losing her grip on life as each minute ticks by.
“Candy is leaving her number for you both on the fridge. She offered to
answer questions you might have if I can’t...well if it gets to where I can’t
answer them myself.”
Right on cue Candy walks into the living room and Court introduces her to
Matt. It is amazing that even with all the sadness I can see in his face
he still is breath taking and Candy flushes when he shakes her hand. She
excuses herself for the day and leaves the three of us sitting in the living
room waiting for someone to break the silence.
“I know she told you about the DNR and I think we should talk about a few other
things also,” Court says looking down at her hands that are folded on her
lap. I notice her nails are painted a light pink and I wonder what it
must have been like to make the choice to paint your nails sometime in the same
week you have made your choice to suffocate rather than be resuscitated.
“I think we should do it over drinks,” Matt answers. I can see that his
eyes are teary and he is pleading for us to agree.
“I am okay with that if you are,” Court says quickly looking in my direction
and I nod my head in agreement. “Then there is somewhere I need to show you,
Matt can you drive?”
“Sure,” he replies and I can see the relief on his face as he grabs his wallet
and keys. I run to the room and grab my purse. I can see that I
have a missed call from Elliot but I don’t care. I imagine it has
something to do with the divorce papers he was served with and I am not up for
the questions. I did not ask for anything, not the house, not the
furniture, nothing. I will have no use for any of them and the idea of
being free from the possessions we had together is liberating.
Court takes shotgun as we jump into Matt’s truck. I scoot into the middle
of the back seat so that I can hear the conversation. It smells like him
in here and I close my eyes and take in a breath as we drive through the
town. The sticker on his windshield reminds me that he has a place to go
when this is over, a place where he is expected and accounted for. Peace
washes over me when I think of the ties that I have cut to the possessions I
hold here on Earth.
“Where are we headed?” Matt asks.
“To the beach, the one we used to spend our summers at.” Court says as
she looks out the window. Matt nods and starts down the road to the little
beach we used to practically live at when we were younger. We drive in
silence for most of the trip but when we near the beach Court turns to me and
asks if I will be okay being there. I know why she
asks,
it was the beach that Elliot and I were married on.
“I’m fine Court. This trip is not about me it’s about you. If there
is something down here I need to see then let’s go see it.”
“Matt, park in the lot by the lifeguard tower,”
Court
says as we make our last turn onto the long drive that leads to the lot.
Matt is looking out his window and I can tell he is not looking at us on
purpose.
When Matt parks the car we all get out and walk to the edge of the lot where
the sand meets the road. It is a far walk through the sand down to the
lifeguard tower and I start to worry that Court won’t be able to make it.
I look at Matt to see if he is worried too and I can see in his face we are
thinking the same thing.
“Are you well enough to get there?” he asks Court.
“I want to feel the sand under my feet for a little while but I know I can’t
make it all the way,” she replies as she stands with her hands on her
hip. Even as sick as she is she looks beautiful. Her scarf is
blowing in the small breeze and she closes her eyes as if committing all that
there is here to memory.
We walk a little ways in the sand and reminisce about what it used to be like
to sneak down here at night and have bonfires. Her breathing gets heavier
and I can tell she is struggling so I take her hand and nod as if quietly
asking that she stop. Watching her struggle makes me want to scoop her up
and carry her back to the car. What could be so important down here that
she is willing to use all her energy to get there I wonder.
Matt had seen me take her hand so he stopped and offered to carry her. She
climbs onto his back and we start making our way down to the water. When
we reach the shore he sets her down in the sand and she sits down and motions
for us to do the same.
“This is it guys,” she says as she looks out into the water. Matt and I
look out at the waves crashing onto the shore. “This is my happy place.”
I can see why it makes her happy, it used to make me happy too. We spend
an hour watching the surf and the small birds run down to the water and back up
again. It is past three when she tells us that she needs to go home again
and we stand up and brush the sand off. Just as the sand falls into the
small openings our clothes have failed to protect, the grief of losing her
grates against my skin and I desperately try to brush it off as well.
Matt offers her his
back again and she climbs on, slower this time. I see her rest her head
on his back like a child would do to their father and I choke down the lump
that is building in my throat. I don’t know if I can do any more “lasts”
without coming completely unraveled.