Authors: Sarah White
Chapter 22
Matt
Reaching down I hold the doorknob. I’m not sure what I should do
next. My heart tells me to open the door, that she needs me and I have to
go comfort her. My brain tells me that she needs her space. She and
I had been playing around a lot but it is now serious and any hope I have that
she will see how much I need her is fading as I watch her pull herself away
from my comfort so she can say goodbye to Court. Desperation begins to build
inside me and when I reconcile that I am probably going to lose them both it
quickly turns to despair.
I let out a breath and pause for a moment thinking what it will be like for her
to say goodbye to her best friend. I saw to my sister this morning before
my run and she had asked me to sit next to her. She was so weak she
couldn’t move and we decided we needed to call Candy to help stop her
pain. As I sat there waiting for Candy to come I held Court in my arms
and rested my chin on her head. She cried for a while and told me she was sorry
she wouldn’t be here for me any longer. I prayed that I could tell her what she
meant to me.
Wiping the tears from her face I found my strength and shared that she was my
anchor and the best sister anyone could ask for. I told her that I loved
her and that I was pissed she was being taken so soon. I let her know she
was so brave to die at home, struggling through pain without the constant
supervision of a doctor. Court said her goodbyes to me too and I choked
down a sob when she begged me to please tell Cait that I loved her. Court told
me life was too short and there was no promise of another tomorrow to wait on
the right timing. She gave me permission to love her best friend and
couldn’t believe that even as she lay dying she was making her death about
me and my needs
. I kissed her head one last time
knowing that I may never get another heart to heart with the sister I would
love forever.
Leaving the hall defeated, I am too weak to fight for the one I love when her
best friend is dying in front of us. Court gave me permission to pursue
Cait, but she didn’t know that Cait was too good for me. It seemed that her
heart
will
always belong to someone else. I had left
my one chance on that porch when we were teenagers. Playing around was
fun, but her heart had no room for a man who has no roots. Nothing has
changed,
one night in my bed is all that I can offer.
Chapter 23
Cait
I was stupid to think I could bring him into my life for a little while without
growing attached and as the pain tares through my chest I realize that I need
to deny myself his love so that my break from this world can be clean. I
promised Courtney my two weeks and I am hell-bent on keeping that
promise. When she takes her final breath my promise to her will
have been kept and I can carry out her wishes, then I can carry out mine.
As I lay there on the bed I try to think of what I should say to her during
that brief moment of time and I find no words. I want her to know what
her friendship has meant to me, that I don’t know what I would have done if I
did not have her to go to after those hard nights with my mom. I want to
thank her for being my maid of honor and for the baby shower plans she and I
discussed before I lost my baby. What I can’t tell her is that if I did
not have her after the affair I would be dead. Hearing her diagnosis had
stopped me from ending it then but if there is an afterlife I will see her
there soon.
The concept that there is some Heaven somewhere is not new. Every
religion has its own version whether it
be
a place on
top of the clouds where we find everyone we have lost, or our souls choosing
another form and returning back to this life. As intelligent beings many
of us have decided that there has to be something more. I am not sure if
this need for something more has come from anxiety of letting go of the very
things we have depended on our whole lives or if it is the incapacity of us to
quantify everything around us therefor understanding that there is this stuff
that is still beyond our understanding.
My stomach turns with the thought of an afterlife. I had never been
raised around religion but I had always been curious about it. In my
profession it is around me all the time. When people struggle with life
they look to a source beyond themselves, someone to count on, someone to be
accountable to or someone to blame. I had tried church a few times with
Elliot’s family but I always felt I didn’t belong, that somehow they would know
how much I still hated my mother. I worried they would know how I had
prayed to a God I didn’t know to take her and end my misery...and how I stopped
believing He would come after years of cleaning up vomit and crying myself to
sleep.
Losing my baby had been the final straw. I remember
laying
in the hospital bed alone, bleeding, and feeling like God had finally settled
the score. I had prayed for years that he would take a life, and then
finally he did but it was that of my baby. We are even I am sure, just as
my client had made her peace with Him, so had I. Now He was taking
Courtney from me so the way I see it He owes me one.
Afterlife or no afterlife, it no longer matters. Whatever is out there,
dirt or a new beginning has to be better than the pain and grief I feel
here. I am surrounded by death and
loss,
sorrow
paints every wall around me.
I hear Matt leave the hallway and my heart aches knowing he needs me but I am
not available to help. I will be another death for him, but mine will be
the kind he knows how to survive. It will be the kind that just happens, out of
nowhere not Court’s
kind which
tortures your soul with
ever last minute you try to say goodbye, waiting for death to come claim
her.
When I know the hall is clear I slip out of my room and make my way to Court’s
door. Turning the knob I take a deep breath one last time to gather any
strength I might have to face what is on the other side. Feeling a
presence at the end of the hall I look to see what has pulled my
attention. When our eyes meet we stand for a minute locked into an
unspoken conversation. Matt nods his head as if to acknowledge the pain I
am about to face and to offer the encouragement I might need. I raise the
corners of my mouth in a tight smile to say thanks,
then
turn back to the door that separates the living from the dying.
Chapter 24
Cait
Courtney is asleep on her bed but when I enter she turns to me and opens her
eyes. She smiles and pats the bed next to her inviting me to sit beside
her. My feet have never felt so heavy and my heart aches more with each
step I take. I am still in my pajamas so I climb in next to her and wrap my
arm over her frail body. I rest my chin on her shoulder and touch my
forehead to her cheek. Courtney pats my arm and I can see her bottom lip
quiver as she turns her head away from me.
“I am so sorry I asked you to be here Cait, it was selfish of me. I know
what you have been through and you shouldn’t have to watch me die. I was
just so scared to be alone.”
A whimper escapes my throat and I swallow in an attempt to keep more from
coming. “You never could have stopped me Court. I just wish I could
be stronger for you.” I bury my nose into her shoulder and breathe her in
as we lay in silence. “You need to know what you have meant to me...what
you will always mean to me. You have been my anchor since we were
ten. Every happy childhood memory has you in it. You have been
there in the good times and you have been there to make the bad times better.
“I remember when you taught me how to put on make-up and braid my hair.
When I was older you went with me and we bought my first bra with money we had
both saved from babysitting jobs. You have been my best friend, my
sister, and my mother. I am going to miss you so much.” I have to
stop because I am choking on the lump in my throat. I take a deep breath
to try and calm down but my chest and stomach still jumps with the sobs as the
tears flowed heavily down my face.
“Cait you gave me so much too. You taught me how to sneak out, to push my
limits so I could enjoy life and if you think that sneaking over here to talk
to me was only benefitting you then you are crazy. I needed you then like
I need you now. When I am gone we will be far from even. I will
never be given the chance to pay you back for what I have asked you to do
here. I called you up in the middle of your busy life to ask you to watch
me die. My soul will always be in debt to you.”
I hugged her as tight as I thought she could handle and then asked her a
question I was afraid to hear her answer, “Are you scared to die?”
“I was, I was scared and angry. I was mad that I would die alone and that
God wasn’t answering my pleas to stay here long enough to see you and Matt
happy in your lives. I don’t care about the things other cancer patients
are mad about. I never wanted to get married and having children after
what Matt and I had been through was not something I think I could have ever
had the courage to do. At this point in my life I have done everything I
wanted except maybe travel a little more, but I traveled to so many places
through your stories.
“It was because of you that I have been able to experience so many places, to
experience the good and bad of being married, and the sadness of losing a
child. My life feels full because of you. I can’t be mad at a God
that brings my brother home from war even though he is taking me earlier than I
planned. Having you and Matt here has made me relax and embrace the time
I have left. I have told you what I want it to be like when I leave this
earth and I know that it cannot hurt any worse than I already have experienced
through the biopsies, chemo and radiation. I am ready to go when you guys
are ready to let me.”
I know she needs me to say I am ready, that I would be okay when she was
gone. I had never lied to her in the whole time we had been friends and I
couldn’t lie to her today. Instead I closed my eyes and tuck my face into
her neck and she places her hand on the back of my head to soothe me. I
wasn’t ready for her to go, I would never be okay with her death but my heart
was being selfish. I was in a healthy body and I wanted to leave, of
course she should be granted the peace of dying.
“I love you,” I whisper into her neck.
“I love you too,” she whispers back.
Matt lightly knocks on the door before walking into the quiet room. I lay
next to Court with my arm still wrapped around her. I can feel her nod in
his direction and I look up into his eyes as he holds up the small bottle of
morphine to let me know it was time. I kiss her cheek and then reach for
the small bottle. I can’t help but to want to swallow it all myself to
try to stop this pain but I read the label and quickly fill up the small
dropper with her dose.
I place the end in the corner of her mouth and she turns her lips up into a
smile. I give the bottle and dropper back to Matt and then tuck my head
back into her neck until she falls asleep. When I hear her breaths even
out I look up to Matt again and he is standing at the end of the bed with his
arms crossed, leaning on the dresser.
“I couldn’t tell her it was ok,” I say to him and then feel my lip start to
quiver again. My voice rushes out of my throat being pushed by the
muscles that clench around it.
“She needs that Cait” he says as he walks around to the side of the bad where I
am. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks down at me, “It is almost
lunch and she is going to be asleep for a few hours again. Let’s walk
down to that little café and grab a sandwich.” The thought of eating
makes me nauseous but I know he can sense that I am suffocating here so I
agree.
“Give me a few minutes to take a shower” I say as I climb out of her bed and
try to stand but my knees feel so weak beneath me. Heading down the hall
to my room I am heartbroken and lost. If only I could have the strength I
have had in the past, to face this loss like the others, but I don’t.
Nothing more can be taken from me and that emptiness inside me is growing wider
each hour that passes.
I don’t remember taking a shower but before I know it I am standing in the
living room putting on my sweatshirt. Matt puts a key to the house under
a small plant as we leave and soon we are walking down the quiet road towards
the café. The heaviness on our hearts weighs us down and I blink my eyes in an
effort to soothe them from the wind as my crying has left them sore and
defenseless.
Matt grabs at a low branch that is hanging over the sidewalk and then breaks
the branch into pieces and throws it aimlessly out into the empty road one
piece at a time. My phone vibrates in my pocket so I pull it out to
confirm my suspicion that it is Elliot again. I click the ignore button
and the phone stops vibrating as his call is sent to voicemail.
“You are going to have to talk to him sometime,” Matt says as he throws the last
piece into the street.
“I know. I just can’t bring myself to hear his voice. I didn’t ask
for anything so there should be
nothing
to argue
over. All that is left are his questions and I don’t feel I owe him those
answers.” I tuck a strand of my hair back that has fallen from my
ponytail.
“You are right, you don’t owe him anything but avoiding him is clearly not
making him go away. Why are you not asking for anything? You built that
life together,” he says staring straight into my eyes until I look away.
“It is all just stuff and to be honest it is suffocating me. He can have
it all, I don’t need any of it.” My eyes find their way to the street to
avoid meeting Matt’s.
“You’re something else, you know that,” he chuckles, “so what is your plan?”
My plan is to die but I can’t share that with him so instead I just shrug my
shoulders and look ahead. We are close to the café now so I just hope he
doesn’t ask me more about it before the people on the patio of the small café
can distract us.
“I know it isn’t my business, I’m sorry,” I can hear the hurt in his voice
while he shakes his head and looks forward to the busy café.
“It’s not a big deal, I guess I will just rebuild my life without him,” a
thought that had never been able to leave my mouth before. A few months
ago there was no life without him and now as I walk to the busy café I start to
wonder what that life might look like. It doesn’t really matter
now,
I know that losing Courtney will make living impossible.
We order our sandwiches and I try to pay but Matt insists. We find a nice
table at the corner of the patio and wait for our sandwiches. I decide
that the only way to get the conversation off of my life was to ask about his.
“So what is your plan?” I ask.
“I’m leaving again. I have talked to my superiors and as soon as we
finish up her wishes I am shipping out again to be with my unit. I don’t
know any other way Cait. I don’t need the money, with what my sister is
leaving me and the house I could stay here and find something to keep me busy
but I will be alone.” He leans back as the young girl places our sandwiches on
the table. I watch her looking at him but he doesn’t notice either of
us. “Sandra called me this morning.”
Matt must have been able to tell I wasn’t sure who that was so he finished
chewing and began explaining, “Sandra is my last girlfriend. We were
together for three years. I tried to love her but I guess I loved my job
more. I wanted to stay with my unit so even though I could have got out
of the deployment since I had just come back from one I chose to go
voluntarily. She begged me to stay, to move in with her and start a
family. I wasn’t ready so I left. She broke up with me and then
found her way to my friend.”
“What does she want?” I asked before taking a bite of my food.
“She heard about Court and wanted to offer her help. I guess she and my
friend broke up a few months ago and she would like to come talk about giving
us another try.” He stares into my eyes waiting for my response. I
swallow hard, not sure why my heart feels like it is breaking even more.
Curiosity burns inside me as I realize the emotion I felt stab my heart was
jealousy.
For a relationship?
For
Matt?
For a family?
My brain quickly
tells me it doesn’t matter and I take a deep breath to clear my thoughts of the
anchors to this life. He deserves all of that but that ship has long set
sail for the two of us.
“Are you considering meeting up with her?” I ask and then hold my breath while
I wait for his answer.
“I am not sure.”
Fighting the urge to tell him he deserves better and that seeing him with
someone else right now would crush me, I take a bite of my sandwich to render
my mouth incapable of saying those words. I try to rationalize to myself
that the pull I feel towards him is based only on his looks and this horribly
emotional situation we are in with his sister. My heart fights back
telling me that I have always been pulled towards him but was never
available. In the end my brain wins and I swallow my food and look up to
meet the eyes that have been staring at me. “What’s stopping you?” I ask.