Finding Divine (22 page)

Simon was just as anxious. Today his children were two months old, and this would be his mother’s first visit with them. He hadn’t meant to leave it this long, but since he was still unsure of his standing with Jessica he didn’t want to spring things on her too quickly.

Simon understood why Jessica would be cautious around him, but to hear her coldly tell her parents he meant nothing to her had cut him to the core. He shouldn’t have been surprised. But he’d allowed the brief bonding over the babies to lure him to a false sense of hope.

Simon wanted to blame his mother for lying to him, but were it not for that he wouldn’t have witnessed the birth of his children. Being a parent put things in perspective for him. When he held his children he realized he’d lie, beg, borrow, steal, and die for both of them. The birth of his children allowed him to see his mother’s perspective. He was still annoyed about her deception but he decided to let it go.

“I told her I would
bring you today, and she’s ready for it. I’m sorry I waited this long to do it but Jessica had to get used to the idea of your impending visit.”

“It’s okay, Simon. Even though I’d hoped to see them sooner, I understand how things are. Just having their pictures has made it bearable. I only wish you would have extended this invitation to your father. He wanted to come. You should see how he looks at those pictures every day.”

Simon and his mother may have been working on building their relationship, but he couldn’t bring himself to mend things with his father. If anything, he resented his father more than ever. In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t exactly fair because he’d chosen to forgive one parent and not the other, but when he thought about how unconditionally he loved his own children, and how his father had treated him, it bothered the hell out of him. Maybe his reasoning was twisted, but Simon couldn’t shake it.

“Mom, don’t start.”

“If the two of us could come to some kind of understanding, why not you and you father? He hurts too. Now you’re even.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I’ll give it some more time before I consider it even.”

Ann sighed warily. “Well, if that’s how you feel about it.” She slid out of the driver’s seat of her vehicle. His mother had insisted on driving herself, even though Simon had been getting himself around without incident for a couple of weeks.

He got out of the car, happy he didn’t need to rely so heavily on his cane. He now only used it when his legs really ached but he was improving every day. Simon led his mother to Jessica’s door, and waited for an answer to his knock.

Instead of Jessica, her father answered the door. Simon had visited every day since the twins were brought home, but it was the first time someone other than Jessica was there to greet him.  He tensed. His mother clutched his arm nervously.

“I’m here to see my children. Is Jessica home?” Simon was nervous beneath the scrutinizing stare of this man. Their only other encounter at the hospital had passed without incident, but the circumstances were different this time around.

The older man gave him the once-over, his lips tightening slightly before standing back just enough to let Simon and his mother in. “Jessica’s taking a much-needed nap, but she said you’d be over. The babies will be up from their naps shortly. They’ll need to be changed and fed when they do.”

Simon wanted to say something but he wasn’t sure what.  Any apology or explanation he could offer would probably not be well received. “Uh, this is my mother, Ann. Mom, this is Jessica’s father, Mr. Smith.”

His mother smiled, holding her hand out. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Mr. Smith took the offered hand, and shook it briefly. “You might as well call me Keith. After all, we all have the children in common now.”

Ann’s smile widened. “That we do. I’m very anxious to see them. I’ve only seen pictures up until now.”

Jessica’s father shot Simon a narrow-eyed stare. “Is that so?”

Simon knew the question was directed at him and sensed the disapproval. “I thought I’d give Jessica some time to settle into a routine before I brought visitors over.”

“She wouldn’t have denied the children’s grandmother access. My daughter isn’t the petty sort; after all, she lets you see them.”

Simon didn’t miss that pot shot but chose to ignore it. His mother must have noticed it as well because her smile faltered slightly. “I can understand why Simon wanted to wait a little while, and I’m just happy to be here now. You said they’d be waking up soon to be fed. I’d love to help with that.”

Keith gave Simon an indiscernible look before turning to Ann. “Of course. They’re in their cribs. If Jason is up, he usually doesn’t make a peep. Jasmine on the other hand, makes sure everyone knows she’s awake,” he chuckled like the proud grandfather he was before leading them into the children’s room.

Just as both men had figured, Jasmine was still asleep. Jason, however, was wide awake, sucking his fist. Ann’s mouth flew to her hand, tears springing to her eyes. “Oh, my goodness. They’re so precious. May I?” She held her arms out.

“Of course. I think you should do the honors, Simon,” Keith said gruffly.

Simon leaned over the crib and carefully lifted his son, being careful to support his head. “Hey, champ! How’s Daddy’s big boy today?” Simon gave the baby a kiss on his soft cheek and nuzzled his face against the baby’s chest. He inhaled the fresh baby scent he loved so much.

“Do you want to meet your grandma?” Simon handed Jason over to his mother.

She gently took the warm armful into her arms as a tear slid down her cheek. “I think I prefer Nana. Grandma seems so old.” She gasped as she looked at the baby, who continued to suck on his little fist. “He’s so beautiful. I think his eyes are blue! Are Jasmine’s eyes blue as well?”

“No, her eyes are brown, but they’re gorgeous, just like her mother’s,” Simon proudly explained.

“Oh, I’m sure.” Ann smiled and cooed at the baby. “Hmm, I think someone is in need of a diaper change. I’d like to do it no one objects.”

Simon nodded his consent. “Sure, but watch out for the third leg, he’s shot me a couple times when I’ve changed his diaper. Jessica has it down to a science though.”

His mother smiled. “Oh, don’t worry about me. I remember a certain little guy who did the same thing to me, when he was little.” She placed Jason on the changing table.

It tweaked Simon’s heart to see his mother with Jason. A smile touched his lips. “I think I’ll let you spend some time with him. We’ll let Jasmine sleep a little longer and I’ll go fix their bottles.”

His mother waved him away, not bothering to lift her head. He could tell she adored her grandson. “Fine. Fine. I’ll just be here with the little darlings.”

“I’ll help you with those bottles, Simon,” Keith offered.

Simon had a sneaking suspicion that helping him wasn’t the real reason Keith followed him out of the room. There was only one way to handle this and that was to get this talk over with. It was twelve years coming. Taking a deep breath, Simon turned and faced Keith. “I think you already know that I’m familiar with where everything in the kitchen is, so I’m guessing there was something you wanted to tell me.”

Keith was a stocky man, and though they were roughly the same height the older man seemed larger.  It was a bit intimidating. “Have a seat, son.”

Simon nervously sat on the couch as instructed. Keith took the chair catty-cornered to him. “I believe this little chat is long overdue.”

“I can imagine there are a lot of things you’d like to say to me.”

Keith nodded. “Something that’s twelve years late because you robbed us of that chance to confront you and say our piece in court, didn’t you? Since I learned of your existence, I’ve wondered what kind of man you are to have let your friends take the fall for something you were also involved in. And to add insult to injury you started a relationship with my daughter. Granted, I believe you may not have realized who she was at first but there came a point when you did. And you ended up doing more damage to Jessica than you can know. What were you thinking, boy?”

What could Simon possibly say to this man to easy his pain? A simple apology didn’t seem sufficient but at the very least it was something. “You may not believe me but I’m sorrier than you could know. I’ve wanted to write to you and your family a letter of apology, or at the very least an explanation of sorts, but every time I sat down to put the words to paper I didn’t know what to say. And then as time went on, I figured it would be best if I just left you alone instead of reminding you of painful memories. Saying I’m sorry won’t bring your son back, but I am very sorry. I think about Jason every day, and wish I could go back in time and undo what happened.”

“And not a day goes by when I don’t think about it either. I’m going to say to you what I said those other hoodlums in the courtroom. Jason was an exceptional human being. He was smart, funny, athletic, and would give the shirt off his back if someone needed it. He could have had a bright future but you and your friends saw fit to destroy him before it was fulfilled.  He was my son and my friend. I hope you find forgiveness with whoever your higher power is, because I’m not sure I have it in me to give. It probably doesn’t mean a thing to you, but I needed you to hear that from me.” The older man’s eyes watered, and briefly Simon thought he would cry, but Keith managed to keep the tears at bay.

Simon, however, had no such luck. His tears streamed down his cheeks unheeded.  But apparently Keith wasn’t finished.

“Not only did I lose my son, my family fell apart. Sure, we had our issues before Jason died, and God knows I did my part to contribute to the mess we were in, but if not for you and the other goons the circumstances would have been different. My baby girl, who already had some minor anxiety issues, was pushed to the edge. She shut down. We were scared, and her mother and I decided to commit her. After we saw that her being there didn’t help, we bought her home and it was weeks before she even said a word. She’s never been the same despite eventually finishing school and starting a business and living on her own.” He stood up then to pace the length of the living room.

“But then you came along, and although we’d never met I knew there was someone special in her life. She seemed happy whenever we talked, and she reminded me of the Jessica she used to be before Jason died. Well you pretty much know the rest.”

“I swear I never meant to cause her any more pain.”

Keith held up his hand. “Let me finish, please. I really need to get this off my chest. None of those boys who pleaded out to Jason’s murder had a word to say to us. When they were given the opportunity to make statements they declined. So I need to know from you…why? Tell me why you did it, what were you thinking, what could drive someone to do what you did? How could you carry around so much hate in your heart to do what you did? And why did you have to play with Jessica’s emotions?” Keith demanded, pounding his fist in his palm to emphasize his words.
                                                        Simon could tell this was difficult for the older man to get it out. It was tough just listening to it. He lowered his head as he relayed his story. “I was going through a rebellious phase and acting out to get my parents’ attention. I met a couple of guys, Cliff and Milton, who were basically going nowhere in life but they made me feel a part of something, like I mattered. I didn’t realize what they were really about at first. And then they introduced me to their friend Thurman. From the start I felt something was off about that kid, but I tolerated him because I still believed the other two were my friends. We’d pull some juvenile pranks like knocking over mailboxes and egging houses and graffiti. We’d stay out late and get stinking drunk.” Simon had to halt because a lump had formed in his throat. Talking about the incident brought back the images in full force.

“The more I hung out with them, though, the more I noticed their comments about others. I didn’t question their meaning but after a while it was pretty apparent ‘others’ meant anyone who wasn’t white and Christian. It turns my stomach when I think of how I let those remarks slide, because it implied I agreed with them. When I figured what they were really about I should have backed away but I didn’t. I kept hanging out with them and was silently complicit with whatever they said because I didn’t speak up. And the night we…I suggested we try out this bar in a part of town we didn’t usually venture out to because I’d heard they didn’t card. We were already pretty buzzed from the booze and cocaine. So we made it to the bar but were turned away because apparently it was under new management. My friends were pissed and looking for trouble. One of the guys wanted cigarettes so we headed for a grocery store a couple of blocks away. That’s when we spotted Jason.”

Simon let out a sob but continued. “Thurman started shouting racial epithets at Jason. To his credit Jason ignored him and kept going. His head was held high and there so much dignity in his walk. Thurman didn’t take kindly to being ignored so he just ran up on him and punched him in the back of the head, and then proceeded to kick him over and over again. Thurman laughed like it was some big joke, and he called out to us to join in. Cliff and Milton were hesitant at first but they eventually did. I froze; I stood there watching them and I didn’t stop them when Jason called out for help. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, I just let it happen. And as he lay on the ground being beaten while being called the most sickening names, there was a brief moment when Jason turned his head in my direction and our eyes connected and he looked at me as if to ask why.”