Finding Gavin (Southern Boys #2) (7 page)

Chapter Ten

The darkness set in. I was lost in complete hopelessness. I lay motionless in the hospital bed, remembering the pain in Gavin’s eyes as I told him about losing his baby.

He had focused on an imaginary spot between us and sat in silence. The distance between us appeared to grow with each passing moment. I wanted him to say something, anything. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay, but only silence filled the room.

When he looked up as the nurse entered the room, his eyes were filled with tears. I wanted to ask him if he was okay, but the words were lodged within my throat.

He slowly stepped back away from the bed, while the nurse began explaining what would need to be done next. I really should have been focused on her words, but instead I stared past her. I wanted him to look at me; I needed the connection. He only stared at the ground, his lips pressed into a flat line.

The nurse explained that she would be back to get me once the room was available, and I could only nod my head.

The silence in the room was maddening. Gavin kept his place at the side of the room, leaning back against the wall. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, and he looked down at his feet.

The longer he stood there, saying nothing, the angrier I got. I could feel it boiling within me, and at any time I feared I would explode.

“Say something,” I said.

Silence once again.

“Damn it, Gavin. Say something or just leave.” I fought back the sob that tried to escape.

He lifted his head and his eyes met mine. “Were you gonna tell me?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Yeah, when?” his faced held little emotion. It was a blank canvas and it was killing me, not knowing what he was thinking.

“Tonight, I was gonna tell you tonight,” I said.

“How long have you known?” he asked. He pushed off the wall to take a step in my direction. “How long have you known that you’ve been carrying my child?”

I single tear ran down my cheek as I whispered the answer. “Since I got back into town, after my daddy’s funeral.”

He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair—gripping at the edges and tugging, hanging his head low.

Once again he was silent, and all I could do was stare at him, pleading for him to understand why I had waited. I should have told him immediately, I know that. I was scared of his reaction—hell, I was terrified myself. I had to let it sink in and settle. I had to accept it myself.

“I never meant to hide it from you. I was gonna tell you. I just wanted to go to the doctor first. I had an appointment tomorrow.” I was rambling, but I was scared he would leave me before I could explain.

“But then after last night, I realized that I didn’t want to wait any longer to tell you. I planned on telling you this morning, but you were gone when I woke up,” I explained.

“So it’s my fault I didn’t know?” he asked. “I should have known that day, Maria. I should have been the first person you called once you found out. I had the right to know.” He looked so lost.

“No, it was my fault. You’re right. I should have told you sooner.”

We were interrupted by the nurse once again, as she and the nurse’s aide came into the room. I was scheduled for a D&C, and they were ready for me.

My heart broke as I watched Gavin slip from the room. I felt like everything around me had shattered into a million pieces, and all I wanted was Kori. I needed my best friend; I needed her support.

“Sweetheart, is there anything I can do for you?” the kind nurse asked as she looked down at me. Yes, she could chase after that damn cowboy who just left my room. She could chase him down and explain to him that I needed him. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that we would be okay.

“Could you, um,” I started to ask as my voice cracked with emotion. I took a moment to steady myself before continuing. “Could you actually call my momma for me?”

She reached out and took my hand in hers, squeezing gently. “Of course I can.”

***

As I was wheeled back into my hospital room, after the procedure, I found my momma and brother Colt waiting for me.

The moment my eyes locked onto my mother’s, the tears once again began to fall. I was exhausted and heartbroken.

Colt stepped forward, surprising me by taking me into his arms and squeezing me close.

“You okay, baby girl?” he asked, and all I could do was shake my head.

“We’re here. We ain’t leaving your side. I promise you that,” he assured me.

I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be okay again—something that felt like it was impossible to reach.

I lost my baby, and the man I’m in love with walked out on me when I needed him the most.

I was devastated.

Chapter Eleven

“Come on, let’s take a trip,” Colt said as he sat at the end of my bed, tugging on my leg.

“No, I can’t. I’m supposed to be housesitting for Kori. I guess I failed at that too. I’ve pinned everything on Reed’s father, and I feel horrible,” I told him.

“Momma said that Reed’s best friend and his wife have been taking care of things. They got it, baby girl, don’t worry,” he said, and I only felt guiltier. Leann and Ben had their own life; they didn’t need to be filling in for me.

Everyone had been so kind and caring. Well, everyone but Gavin. I still hadn’t heard from him. Everybody seemed sort of hush-hush about him when I was around.

“Let’s go, just for a few days. Hell, we can go longer if ya want.  I just think getting away would be good for you. Let’s go somewhere where we can soak up the sun and forget about all the bad for a little while.”

Colt scooted forward and tilted my chin up. “Let me do this. Let me be here for you. You and I have never had the chance to really form a relationship. I’d like that to change, Mar. I want be the big brother who steps up when he needs to. Let me help you begin to heal from all of this.”

Colt wasn’t the sappy type—he was more of the ‘stand back and quietly observe’ kind of man. It meant a lot to me that he was here. He was right, we had never had that chance.

“Okay, big brother. What’s your plan?” I asked with a small, forced smile.

His face lit up and he stood from the bed. “You just pack. I’ll take care of everything else.” He walked to the door, and just before he exited the room, he looked back. “Warm weather, beach, and lots of booze coming your way.”

He chuckled and I just shook my head. What had I gotten myself into?

***

Colt really had taken care of everything. He rented a cute little beach house in the Gulf Shores, and we spent three days basking in the sun. Over those three days, I learned a lot about my brother.
I found out how hard it was on him while he was living with my dad. He tried to explain why he had chosen to stay with him for years, taking all his bitterness. He felt like he owed my father to stick it out.

When my dad began to bury himself only deeper in debt, both Jake and Colt would just work harder. They would get their heads above water, only to have my daddy once again take them under. Slowly they watched as everything they had worked for began to disappear.

Colt and Jake went their separate ways and got jobs elsewhere, while they continued to watch my dad drift away.

I could see the pain in Colt’s eyes as he remembered the years that had passed. I really had no idea what they had gone through with my dad. I could just see it in his eyes that life was anything but perfect. In fact, I’m sure at times it was misery.

I learned that Colt had a fiancée once. They were young and in love—promising a future of kids with a big ole’ house on a hill.

She went off to college and then things changed. She realized she had so many other things she wanted more.

So she ended things abruptly over the phone, taking the coward’s way out, and leaving my brother behind, broken hearted, to pick up the pieces alone. After that, he kind of let go of the life he hoped for.

He said it wasn’t worth the heartache in the end. Staying unattached and just randomly dating kept his heart safe. The thought of my brother spending his life alone, without love, was sad.

***

Returning home was hard. Kori herself had returned the day before, and I knew I would be forced to relive my recent devastation. I honestly just wanted to hide away and bury it all so deep. Talking about it would only bring back the hurt of it all.

So instead of calling Kori, like I told her I would, I crawled into bed and lay motionless in my dark room.

Chapter Twelve

I woke to the sound of my door creaking open and light spilling into the room from the hall. It had to be early evening, because the setting of the sun barely showed through my window blinds.

I looked up as Kori crept into my room, closing the door quietly behind her. I never spoke. I just closed my eyes once again and pretended to be asleep.

I felt the bed dip as she sat on the edge. Her hand pushed the hair back from my face, before she whispered my name. “Maria.”

A long silent pause filled the room, before she spoke again.

“I know you’re awake, don’t avoid me. You know I’m not leaving until we talk,” she stated.

I slowly opened my eyes, but still chose to continue to avoid hers. I couldn’t look at her, because if I did, I knew that it would come rushing in. I would have to remember the loss of my and Gavin’s baby.

We all have those people in our lives that we can’t hide things from. No matter how hard we try, they can read us like a book. Kori was one of those people, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to pretend that I was okay. Not with her, because she would see right through me.

“Look at me,” she said.

I shook my head and buried my face in my pillow like some child. I guess I felt that, if I ignored the entire situation long enough, it would eventually just disappear.

“Please talk to me,” she pleaded. I buried my face even deeper into my pillow, continuing to hide with the hope that she would just give up.

Kori wasn’t that kind of girl, though, and I knew that. I just wished this time she would be.

“You can ignore me all you want. You can push me away. Hell, you can even run from me,” she stated, pushing on my shoulder and causing me to finally face her. My lips trembled as her eyes bored into mine.

“But I will follow you. I will stand by you and force you to face this. I love you, and I refuse to watch you suffer alone. I’m here for you.” She reached forward, gripping my face in her hands. “I am not going anywhere, no matter how hard you fall. I will pick you up every god damn day if I have to.”

Tears ran down my cheeks, and I fought back the urge to let it all out. I sniffled and narrowed my eyes at her.

“Go ahead and get pissed. Yell at me. Scream. When you’re all done and you’ve got all that anger out of you…” She paused, narrowing her eyes at me in return. “I will still be by your side, holding you up.”

The tears were impossible to hold back. My body shook, and I tried with everything I had to hold it all in. I fought until I no longer had the fight in me, and all at once…I broke.

I sobbed and she pulled me close. “Let it out, let it all go.” She soothed my cries by rubbing my back gently.

“He left,” I cried. “He just walked out and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. He was so angry about me not telling him. I think he hates me and that hurts so much.” I continued to cry. “I needed him and he left. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that we would get through it together, but he left.”

Kori pulled back and looked at me closely. “Gavin?” she questioned me, and I nodded my head in reply.

“Um, I’ve only seen him once, the day I got back into town. From the looks of it, though, he isn’t doing all that well, either.” She paused as if she were thinking something over, debating whether to continue with what she’d planned to say.

“What?” I asked.

“He, uh, he was sporting a pretty good shiner on his left eye,” Kori whispered.

My stomach tensed and my chest burned. “What?”

Kori shrugged, “I didn’t ask, and he didn’t offer any explanation. Daddy said he has been real quiet and withdrawn. I think he’s hurting too, Mar. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say.” She slipped off her sandals and slid back further on the bed. “Maybe he’s having a real hard time with all this too.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe he has regrets.”

I hung my head and closed my eyes tightly. Could that be true? Was Gavin as saddened by all of this as I was? Could I have been wrong about why he left?

Kori and I spent the next hour talking and crying. She continued to soothe my overwhelming sadness, and I continued to put on like I was gonna be fine.

***

After Kori left, I held my phone in my hand, twisting it around nervously. I debated calling Gavin, but every time I started to dial his number, I hung up before it rang.

Finally deciding that what I needed to say shouldn’t be said over the phone, I jumped into the shower. After slipping on something comfortable, because I honestly didn’t feel like getting all fancied up, I forced myself to drive to Gavin’s.

Pulling into the familiar driveway, my stomach began to flutter. I pushed forward, pulling my car in alongside of the big black beast. Memories of the very first time Gavin touched me flashed through my mind every time I saw that truck.

One single light glowed in the front window. I sat back for a moment, wondering exactly what he was doing inside. Was he lounging on the couch, watching TV? Or maybe he was asleep, all peaceful and relaxed.

Taking in a deep, calming breath, I stepped up onto the front porch and lightly knocked on the door. I stood there, looking down at my feet and giving myself a much needed pep talk. My heart was racing with anticipation and complete regret for the way things had been handled between us. It was as if every time we took one step forward, we were then shoved back ten more.

The sound of the lock on the door caused me to look up quickly. Gavin’s frame filling the opening made my knees weak, but not because of some overwhelming lust-filled desire. It was the simple fact that he looked back at me with such sadness. It was written all over his face, and I instantly wanted to wrap myself around him and comfort him. I wanted to take his sadness away. I wanted us both to heal these painful feelings we were carrying.

“I’m so sorry,” my voice cracked with my apology. “I never meant to hide it. I’m just so sorry you found out the way you did. And I’m so sorry that I,,,” he didn’t let me finish. Gavin reached out and pulled me against him tightly.

His hot breath fanned out over my chest as he buried his face in my neck. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I was an ass.” His voice was muffled, but I could still make out his words. “I should have been supporting you, not arguing with you. What you had just gone through was enough, and all I cared about was that I didn’t know.”

As he pulled his face back away from my neck, I instantly missed his warmth. His eyes looked back on mine, glossy and pained. “The truth is I was floored; it shocked the hell out of me. I never expected to walk in and hear that you had lost a baby I didn’t even know you were carrying. Then I was broken from the news. You were carrying my child, my baby, and there you were in that hospital bed, looking so lost. I couldn’t fix it and that killed me.”

“There isn’t anything we could have done to change what happened,” I stated, and he nodded his head. He knew I was right, but it did not dull the pain of our loss.

“I think we have both really made a mess of things. We haven’t really done any of this the right way.” Our eyes connected, all filled with such hurt. He whispered, “Will you stay so we can talk? I feel like we have a lot of things we need to say to one another.”

I nodded my head in agreement. Following him inside, I closed the door behind me. He led me to the couch and I took a seat next to him.

Gavin reached out for my hand and took it into his. “I think it’s safe to say that I have no hope of walking away from you.” I shifted my eyes from our hands to his face. “I don’t even think I could if I tried. I’ve thought a lot over this last week. I know that you’re not her. It really is unfair of me to judge every other woman based on Nicole’s actions.”

Gavin’s throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, before he continued. “I haven’t treated you right. I’ve pushed and pulled so much over this last year that I’m surprised you haven’t run in the opposite direction by now.”

I sat staring at him in silence. Gavin never shared is feelings. He was set in his ways about the things he wanted and didn’t want. So sitting there before him, listening to him, I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to miss a word of what he was saying to me.

“I want to start over, completely. I want us to have a fair shot. I don’t wanna drag all the garbage from my past along with us. I’m just hoping that I haven’t done so much damage to us that it’s irreversible.” Still holding my hand securely in his, he lifted it to his mouth. Placing a soft kiss on my palm, he then brought it to rest over his rapidly beating heart.

“I want to start over too,” I whispered. “You weren’t the only one that did things wrong.”

Lifting me onto his lap, he held me close. He buried his face into the crease of my neck, and we sat like that, just taking in the feeling.