Authors: Leighton Rose
Dillon didn’t want to be rude, but he knew he needed to sleep in his own bed. “I really should go check on Parker. Adam won’t be home until after six and Parker’s been cooped up for quite a while.”
Cody pushed himself up off the couch. Dillon went to grab the pizza box to take it into the kitchen but Cody stopped him. “Leave it,” he told him. “I’ll get it tomorrow.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, totally.” Cody walked toward the door to put his shoes on and Dillon followed.
*****
They were both dragging ass as they walked toward Cody’s car. Dillon felt terrible about dragging Cody out when he was so tired, but Cody was really gracious about it. When they pulled up in front of Adam’s again, Dillon thanked Cody who was practically asleep at the wheel.
“Hey.” Dillon poked Cody’s arm a couple of times to see if he’d respond.
“Huh?” Cody asked groggily.
“Why don’t you just come in and crash on the couch? I won’t sleep at all wondering if you made it back okay.” Dillon took Cody’s keys out of the ignition. “Plus, you can’t drive without these!” He got out of the car and headed inside. Cody dragged his ass out and trudged inside. He had every intention of getting his keys back from Dillon, but when his eyes zeroed in on the couch, he walked like a zombie to the couch and passed out upon impact. Dillon grabbed a blanket and covered him up, let Parker out quickly, and then headed to bed to crash for the night himself. He fell asleep smiling.
He trusted Dillon implicitly, but that didn’t stop the feeling of dread that was seeping into his bones. He didn’t want a repeat with someone he loved. He turned the knob, dreading what he might find. The first positive sign was that there were no stray clothes strewn all over the hallway. However, Cody’s shoes were right next to Dillon’s, confirming his presence. “Breathe,” Adam whispered to himself.
He moved silently into the living room and saw a pair of feet hanging over the edge of the couch. He sneaked up to the back of the couch and braced himself. He peaked over and found Cody alone on the couch, fully clothed and only half covered with the spare blanket that he kept on the back of the couch. He released an internal sigh of relief and continued down the hallway to the bedroom.
A quick shower was really useful in helping him let go of the tension remaining in his body, but the cure all for his ailments was climbing into bed and having Dillon instinctively search him out, even in his sleep. “Missed you,” Dillon mumbled, snuggling up to Adam’s side.
Adam kissed him on the top of the head. “God, I missed you too, Dil.”
“Can I ask you a favor, or are you too tired to listen?” Adam murmured in his ear.
“What?” Dillon asked groggily.
Adam sighed heavily. He wasn’t sure how to word the question without it sounding accusatory. “Next time you have someone stay over, can you give me a heads up? I trust you more than I can explain, but I’ve had a bad experience in the past and a heads up would be helpful in preparing me to come home to another man in my house.”
That woke Dillon up fast. He peered up at Adam looking severely alarmed. “Did I do something wrong? We went to his apartment to have dinner and he taught me how to kill zombies. Then I asked him to bring me back home because I was about to fall asleep, and you know how I am with waking up in strange places, but he was so tired that I didn’t want him driving home that late and I took his keys. I made him sleep on the couch, and I slept in here the whole time, I swear…” Dillon’s explanation was rushed and jumbled and full of uncertainty, so Adam cut him off with a kiss.
“Stop!” Adam commanded against his lips. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re allowed to spend time with your friends whenever you want, and you definitely don’t have to justify anything to me. This is strictly something that has to do with me. I think it’s time to tell you about my history with Blaze.”
Dillon shuddered hearing that name. He knew that whatever had happened between those two wasn’t good, from the desperate reaction Adam had when he encountered Blaze at the shop. He’d been wondering if Adam was ever going to be ready to tell him the story, but it wasn’t his place to pry. He had just hoped that Adam would tell him when he was ready.
Adam sucked in a deep breath like he was bracing himself, so Dillon sat up and wrapped his arms around Adam’s torso. “Blaze was my boyfriend in high school. I met him shortly after my parents’ car accident and, man, was he a sweet talker. He was older than me by two years, but he made me feel special and loved and I needed that kind of attention from someone who wasn’t family at the time. I fell head-over-heels in love with him, and I thought he loved me too. At least, that’s what he told me, until I walked into his apartment one day thinking he was sick, because he’d called into work.”
Dillon squeezed him tighter, knowing how hard it was to recall painful memories out loud. He wanted to be the one to hold Adam together if he needed to fall apart. “I was there to take care of him, and he was in his bedroom fucking one of my close friends. But worse than that, I heard Blaze tell him that he loved him. That shattered my heart, but I couldn’t stop watching. I just stood there like an idiot, watching it go down. Blaze caught my eye near the end, but the bastard just kept going until he finished. He looked me in the eye and came in my friend’s ass. I was devastated.”
“I’m so sorry, Adam,” Dillon responded. He wasn’t sure what to say. “I hate that I brought out those feelings of distrust in you.”
“No, Dillon. It wasn’t your fault. But the worst thing of all was when I found out he’d been fucking my friend bareback, and being as naïve as I was at the time, believing we were in a monogamous relationship, I’d let him stop using condoms with me too.” Adam physically shuddered at the thought. “I went to the clinic that day to get tested, and then I re-tested every three months for a year. I still test once a year to be safe, just so you know. And I have never had sex without a condom since. I want you to know that so you don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried about that with you, Adam. I know you would tell me if I had something to worry about.” Dillon gently pushed Adam back until he was leaning against the headboard so he could rest his head against Adam’s bare torso. He didn’t want to be looking directly at Adam when he asked his next question. “Is that why you don’t like to bottom anymore?”
“Yeah, I hate the thought of putting myself out there and being vulnerable like that again. It’s a crazy intimate thing to let someone into your body like that, to give up control and trust someone. I don’t know that I could do that again,” Adam told him tenderly. He could feel Dillon’s breaths coming out in shaky puffs, and he hated saying anything that he knew was going to hurt Dillon’s feelings.
“I understand,” Dillon managed to get out. He could feel a tear slip down his face, and he didn’t want Adam to feel any worse than he already did, but, damn, did it hurt to hear him say he wasn’t sure he could ever trust Dillon like that. He choked down the emotion that was threatening to come out. “I really do.” And he did. He’d let Adam into his body. He’d given up that control and instilled an amount of trust in Adam that he’d never been able to give to anyone else, and yet it seemed that Adam wasn’t willing to do the same for him. He didn’t want to be confined to being a bottom for the rest of his life without ever experiencing what it felt like to have that control, that level of trust given back to him. But he’d never cheat on Adam, so where did that leave him?
“I wish I could feel differently about it, Dillon. I really do, but I just don’t know that I can. Here you are trying so hard to work through everything that’s happened to you, and this doesn’t compare in the slightest, yet you are a thousand times stronger than I am. I’m in awe of your strength.” Adam swiped his thumb gently underneath Dillon’s eye, clearing away the stray tear.
Dillon had been so sure about their relationship after his talk with Cody the night before, but now he was starting to doubt everything again. If Adam was never going to be able to put that kind of trust in Dillon, what was the point? And he couldn’t talk to Cody about it because it was too personal, and he wouldn’t betray Adam’s trust like that, what little trust he might actually have in Dillon. “I’m not as strong as you think,” he mumbled. “I need to go take a shower.”
Adam didn’t try to make him stay. He realized that Dillon was hurt, but he wasn’t going to be able to make it better this time. Not for a while anyway. He decided to give Dillon his space and headed into the kitchen to make breakfast.
*****
Adam was in the middle of frying some eggs and bacon when he heard loud bouts of laughter coming from the living room. He figured that Dillon must be in there with Cody. It really made his heart sink to hear Dillon laughing like that with Cody instead of being in the kitchen with him like he would usually be.
“Hey, Adam,” he heard Cody greet him from the dining room doorway. “Thanks for letting me crash on your couch even if you weren’t aware of it at the time.”
“No problem, man,” Adam answered, forcing a smile. “You’re welcome here anytime, and the couch is all yours if you ever need it again.”
“I’m heading out, but I wanted to say thanks.”
“Are you sure? You can stay for breakfast. I made enough for everyone.” Adam gestured toward the frying pans on the stove. “Eggs and bacon,” he offered.
“Thanks! But not today. I really need to get home and shower before work,” he explained. “I’m not as lucky as Dillon. I don’t have today off.”
Adam didn’t know that Dillon had the day off. He vowed to spend more time talking to Dillon about their everyday things. “Okay, well thanks for keeping him company last night.”
“Anytime. See ya!”
“Bye,” Adam replied before turning the stove off and plating up the breakfast.
Cody turned to Dillon. “How did my shoes get here? I don’t remember taking them off last night.”
“I took them off of you after you passed out face down on the couch. I also covered you up with a blanket. I’m not a totally horrible host.” Dillon punched Cody playfully on the arm.
Cody slid his arm around Dillon’s shoulder. “Thanks for that. I was just a little tired.”
Dillon leaned into Cody’s side, soaking up the affection. “Don’t sweat it. Just didn’t want you complaining to the boss lady that I don’t treat you well outside of work!” Dillon teased.
Adam was standing in the doorway by that time, watching the scene unfold in the hallway. Dillon looked up and met Adam’s eye, then flinched out of the bro hug Cody had him in. He felt pangs of guilt start in his stomach, but he quickly squashed them down. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. “Text me later if you get bored at work,” Dillon instructed.
“Will do. I’m out!” And with that Cody, walked out the door and Adam shut it behind him.
“I made breakfast. It’s on the table.” Adam hated that he felt so insecure with Dillon at that moment. It wasn’t supposed to be so hard.
“I’m not really hungry,” Dillon answered in a passive tone.
Adam walked right into Dillon’s personal space and hugged him hard. Dillon tensed and kept his arms at his side for a few seconds, but Adam’s warmth and love was hard to resist. Dillon slowly melted into his embrace, wrapping his arms around Adam’s lower back. “I’m sorry, Dillon,” Adam whispered. “I love you.”
Dillon gulped and took a deep breath. “I love you, too, Adam. I just need some time to digest this morning’s conversation. I’m going to go for a run, if you don’t mind.”
Adam sighed. “I’m not your boss, Dil. I’m your boyfriend. You don’t have to ask my permission to do anything, okay?”
Dillon nodded. “I know. I just don’t want to create more tension if I leave.”
“Nah. I need to sleep before work anyway.” Adam bent down to kiss Dillon’s forehead. “Be careful out there, okay?”
“I’m not going to go far. Maybe down to the park and back.” He turned down the hallway and headed into the bedroom to change and grab his iPod. He needed music to drown out the thoughts rolling around in his head. The run would just help him focus on something other than his disappointment.
When he came out of the bedroom, Adam was in the kitchen scraping the food into the garbage. “Are you not eating?”
“I’m not really hungry anymore, either,” Adam revealed dejectedly. The tone in his voice told Dillon everything he needed to know. Adam was disheartened and that was one of Dillon’s weaknesses. He wanted to go to him and make it better, but this time, he had to take care of himself first.
“Okay, well I’m going to head out.”
Adam gave him a half-hearted smile, and to see the dull look on his normally bright and happy face made Dillon reconsider leaving, but he forced himself to walk out the door anyway. Adam didn’t know what to do to fix this, so he called for Parker and they headed into the bedroom for a nap.
*****
Dillon ran hard and fast, trying to suppress all of his emotion and just focus on the burn in his muscles. He was blaring some hard rock, not the Coldplay that he normally used. He needed to not think about Adam at that moment, and Coldplay was too much of a reminder at that moment. He rushed past the park and kept going down the road. Ten minutes later he was starting to tire out fast. He started to slow down a bit when some asshole blasted his car horn as he drove by, startling Dillon and causing him to stumble. A blinding pain ripped through his right knee, and he skidded to the ground, hitting his head on the sidewalk. He felt a burning, stinging sensation on the underside of his right forearm. “FUCK!” he cried out. His knee felt like it was on fire from the inside. He moved to get up but quickly decided that was not a good idea when he immediately felt light-headed from the pain. He felt like he was going to pass out at any moment.