First and Last (17 page)

“Blake, stop,” Mia says from beside me, but all I’m focused on is the shit eating grin on Pete’s face.

“Get up, asshole.” Anger is pumping through my veins like a wild stallion running to be free.

Mia stands up and places her hand on my chest as she gets between me and dickhead. “Relax, he’s kidding.”

“You think this is funny?” I point to her
friend
who has yet to move. “Because I’m not laughing.”

“No, but that’s just his personality. He likes to rile people up. He doesn’t mean anything by it, do you Petey?” She looks behind her waiting for his answer.

“Nope.” He’s being sarcastic and I have visions of punching him in his smug fucking face.

“Please,” she whispers. “You’re embarrassing me.” Her eyes plead with mine. I stare into them, searching for answers. Searching for the right thing to do. The more I take her in, the more she breaks my fucking heart. My only option is to get out of here. I can’t sit across from that asshole and not rip his head off.

Grabbing my jacket off the back of my chair, I storm out of there and start walking to her dorm. I don’t turn to see if she’s following. Quite honestly, I don’t care if she is. I’ll wait for her in the lobby all night if I have to. I’ve been ignoring my gut the past couple months, clinging to the good times. The way she talks, the people she hangs with, it’s all so different. She’s evolving. I can see it; I can’t stop it. The big question is whether or not I have a spot in her new life or not. She didn’t even defend me back there, which makes me think I’m well on my way out.

“Blake! Wait!” I hear her yell behind me. I don’t face her, but stop walking.

“What’s your problem? You just totally embarrassed me and looked like a complete ass.”

I have to work really hard to reign in my anger. “Seriously, Mia? You can really look at me and say that shit? I sat there all through dinner while you guys talked on and on about shit I couldn’t give two fucks about. I didn’t drive all this way for the weekend to sit around and watch you bullshit with your friends. Then you expect me to deal with that asshole? You wanna know what’s going through my mind right now?” She looks up at me expectantly. “That while I’m out of the picture he’s going to be trying to get into your pants.”

She rolls her eyes for the second time tonight. “Oh, God, Blake. He’s harmless and he doesn’t want in my pants.”

“The fact that you’re making it out like I’m the jerk in all of this is really telling, Mia. You don’t understand how I’d be upset back there? All I want to do is spend as much time with you as possible. I get to see you once a month. That’s it!”

She looks around and I notice people are staring at us. “Can we talk about this in my room?” she asks, her cheeks turning red. Without another word, I turn around and keep walking.

Once we get in her dorm, some of my anger has gone away, but now I’m just kind of hurt. “I didn’t want to go to dinner with your friends tonight,” I confess in a calmer tone. “I was looking forward to spending the night with you alone, but I went out because it’s what you wanted to do. I’m leaving in less than forty-eight hours and I feel like we just wasted two of them. But what hurts the most is your reaction to this football game. You acted like someone kicked your damn dog when Claire brought it up.”

“It’s not that, I promise. I’m bummed I can’t go, but I’d much rather stay in with you.” She reaches out to touch my arm, and I have to stop my initial reaction to pull away.

I search her face and the truth hurts. Yeah, she’ll be here with me while wishing I was back home so she could be in that stadium with all her friends. There’s so much clarity for me in this moment. It’s startling and crushing.

Not wanting to argue with so little time, much less than I thought we had, I do the only thing I know to shut us both up. I hold her face to mine as I kiss her until we’re both breathless.

“I need to feel you,” I tell her. I need to feel connected to her one more time, to be with her in ways no one else has been. I need this last memory.

Knowing exactly what I mean, she removes her clothes and I do the same. Walking her back toward the bed, she lies down on it as soon as it hits the back of her legs. I worship her body from head to toe. I kiss and suck on her nipples until her back arches. I move further south and lick up and down her seam until she’s pulling my hair and begging me to stop. Still, it’s not enough. I don’t want there to be any space between us.

Holding the base of my dick in my hand, I slide it into her in one thrust. Her gasp is followed by a moan when I move in and out of her. My eyes never leave her face, needing to etch this moment into my brain to hold on to forever. I love and cherish her as if this will be the last time, because it is. I push that thought out of my mind when the backs of my eyes start to sting.

Focusing on the here and now, I give her my heart, body, and soul because it’s always been hers. When she’s screaming out my name for the second time, I let go and pour all of it into her. I fall on top of her and squeeze my eyes shut as I bury my face into her neck. I don’t want to move knowing what’s coming next, but it has to be done. I lock my real emotions behind a dam, trying to be strong as I get ready to do the hardest thing imaginable.

Searching for every ounce of strength in my body, I get up after I kiss her shoulder and grab my clothes off the floor. “Go to the game tomorrow, Mia,” I say as I get my pants back on. My voice sounds detached even to my own ears.

“No, and what are you doing? My roommate works tonight, so you don’t have to get dressed yet.”

“I’m leaving.” I can’t even look at her as I say it. My heart thumps loudly, trying to get my attention and stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

“Did you forget something?” The confusion is clear, and I’m about to break and not go through with it, but I know I’ll be delaying the inevitable. At this point, it’s better to get it over with.

“No, I’m going back home.”

“What?” She springs out of bed, exposing the naked body I feasted on moments ago. I already ache to touch her again. “Why?”

“Because I can’t do this. You’re here and I’m there, and I just don’t have a place in your life anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Her voice rises, showing the worry in it.

“You have a new life here with new friends and interests, and I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t belong here and I don’t want to hold you back from living up the college experience.”

“You’re so full of shit, Blake.”

“Whatever, Mia,” I mumble. I need to get out of here. Every second I’m in here makes it that much worse.

“So what was that a few minutes ago, huh? You thought you’d fuck me one more time for the road?” I visibly cringe at her words. That’s not what it was at all. I would never treat her like trash or some slut to throw away. I’m selfish for doing it, I know, but I wanted to experience our love for the last time before I left. I can’t bring myself to tell her that, so I shrug. “Look at me!” she yells. Reluctantly, I bring my focus up to hers and my knees almost buckle. Her eyes are filled to the brim with tears and her lip quivers. “How could you do this to me?”

“At least now you don’t have to hold Petey back and you’re free to fuck him without guilt.”

Her hand moves so fast through the air I don’t even see it coming. Her palm hits me right across the cheek, the loud smack echoing off the walls. I wish she’d hit me again, and again. Physical pain is much easier to bear than what’s happening in my chest. “You son of a bitch,” she seethes.

“I’m doing you a favor. You don’t have to worry about who I have in my apartment, and I won’t mess up any of your future plans with your friends. You do you, and I’ll do me.”

“Get out!” she screams, her cheeks wet with tears. I look away, unable to stomach the results of my destruction.

I walk out of her room and the reality of what I’ve done comes crashing down on me.

I just broke up with Mia.

Suddenly, I can’t breathe and the walls are closing in. Running down nine flights of stairs, I finally reach the lobby and burst through the doors. I take in deep drags of the crisp air trying to calm myself. But no matter how many breaths I take, the outcome is the same.

I’m a fucking moron and I hate myself.

This is what’s best for her, I remind myself. We’d been arguing a little over the girls Luke brings over. I could hear the distrust and worry over the phone. She had no reason to be concerned, but that kind of stuff takes its toll on a relationship. Then there was today and it was an eye opener.

She looked so happy with her friends while I sat back and observed. This weekend it’s a dumb football game, but what else would I be holding her back from if she kept seeing me?

These thoughts play on a loop during the six-hour drive home as I try desperately to convince myself that I did the right thing. If it’s for the best, why do I have to keep blinking away the tears?

December 2002

T
wenty-one days.

That’s how long they say it takes to kick a habit. I can tell you that’s a bunch of bullshit because it’s been longer than that since I’ve seen Mia and I crave her just as much now as I did then. I’m miserable. Absolutely wrecked and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

Worse, everything is all my fault.

I’ve lost a piece of my heart—my soul. No, lost is the wrong word. If something is lost, you have a chance to find and reclaim it. My heart has died and I feel like I’m in mourning.

As a distraction, I’ve been spending as much time as possible at the station. Since I’m just a volunteer, I’m only required to respond to forty percent of the calls each month. I’ve gone on eighty.

“Hey, bro, you got a package in the mail,” Luke says as he walks into the apartment.

“Oh, yeah?” That’s strange. I’m not expecting anything.

Sitting on the kitchen table is a medium sized, brown box. When I read the return address, my breath falters.

Mia Avery.

My mind spins with everything that could be inside. Maybe this is her way of reaching out to me with Christmas right around the corner. It seems to be our go-to method of apologizing. Even though I’m the one that has a lot of groveling to do. Trying not to get my hopes up, I carefully and hesitantly cut the tape holding the box shut. When I see what’s inside, my entire body almost crumbles.

Every single thing I’ve ever given her, everything we got together, all of our pictures, anything she had that would remind her of me is staring up at me. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach seeing her throw all of our memories away. Then it dawns on me that she’s not just mad or hurt, she hates me. She doesn’t want a single trace of me with her. My hand goes to my chest where my tattoo is and rubs it. My heart seizes like a couple of old, rusty gears that have locked up and refuse to move. I grip the edge of the table and brace myself on it.

“Argghhh!” I yell out like a warrior on the battlefield before my arms swipe across the table, sending the box and all of its contents to the floor. Scattered everywhere are pieces of my life. A life I was sure would include Mia. Prom, Lookout Mountain, birthday gifts.

Everything.

My eyes rest on my favorite picture of us from the photo booth at an amusement park we went to this summer.

“Hold up, let’s go in there,” I tell her as I point it out. We get in and close the curtain before inserting some money to make this thing work.

“What kind of faces should we make?” I ask her.

“Let’s do one cute one, a funny one, and a kissy one, and a—”

“Or we could do all kissy ones,” I suggest, earning me an elbow to the ribs.

The countdown starts at five. “Okay, no stupid faces, Blake. You need to make up for that rollercoaster photo.” Alright, so the rollercoaster wasn’t my best moment.

Forget the picture. I start to tickle her sides and she throws her head back in laughter when the flash goes off. “How’s that for a stupid face?”

“Okay, okay, you got me.” She’s still laughing. “Now be serious.” She smooths out her features and I face the screen and smile, waiting for it to snap. When it does, Mia says, “Okay, now kiss me.”