First and Last (35 page)

Present

S
omething behind me cracks and breaks, making a sharp noise that brings me back to the present. As the last twenty-five years of my life flash before my eyes, I realize that I don’t have a single memory without Mia in it. Everything I am, everything I want to be, centers around her.

I start coughing uncontrollably, the smoke getting thicker around me.

“Does. Anyone. Copy?” I try again, struggling with each word. I’m met with more silence.

Fucking mountain.

I look above me and the sky is almost solid black. In my zoned-out state, I didn’t notice it creeping up on me. This could be bad.

Checking my chest, I see my emergency beacon is still flashing.
Where the hell are you guys?
With each second that passes, the chances of me making it out of here are dwindling. I’ve got to move again.

“Urghh!” I grunt out as I use energy I didn’t know I had to drag myself some more. My body doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as it used to, but I know it’s messed up beyond belief. If the initial fall didn’t do it, me moving all over this godforsaken mountain surely did. Fuck, this is bad.

My chest hurts as I continue to cough; the taste of smoke in the back of my mouth. After pulling myself for a little while longer, I lift my head and see another ledge not too far away. If I can get myself to it, maybe it’ll give me a better picture of the situation here.

My legs are useless.

They only serve as an anchor as I use every muscle in my arms and shoulders to drag my heavy body across the dirt.

Any progress forward is a huge milestone. The exertion causes me to pant and cough until I’m completely out of breath, which makes this that much more difficult.

I pause to take a break.

The ledge feels like a mile away and I’m not sure I have the energy to go any further. My breaths are labored, polluting my lungs with the poison in the air. My eyes squeeze shut and I grit my teeth, preparing myself to move some more.

I’m not sure how long it takes me to reach the ledge. All I know is every bump, every twig, every rock in my path is a huge obstacle to crawl across. My chest is raw from the abuse I’ve put it through. Lifting my head one more time, I look out over the edge and my heart sinks, as does hope.

Fire stretches as far as the eye can see.

I guess it whipped around and started burning up toward this way. Now it’s coming at me from all sides. Unless they get a helicopter out here fast to evacuate me, I don’t know I’ll survive this.

With the last bit of energy in my reserves, I roll myself onto my back and stare up at the sky. What should be a sunny day is tainted by the waves of smoke blowing in all directions, creating a dark shadow over everything.

“This is. Blake Collins. Can. Anyone. Hear me?” My voice is hoarse as I try again to reach someone on the radio. Speaking makes me cough again, and I can’t stop. I cough until I gag, then cough some more. The heat is getting more intense, making it hard to forget I’m getting boxed in.

God, please, let me make it out of this. Don’t take me from Mia or the kids. I need them. Please, just get me out of here.

Tears leak from the corners of my eyes despite my lack of hydration as soon as I see the first flame. It gets harder and harder to bring oxygen into my body, but the wheezing is drowned out by the approaching fire.

I close my eyes and picture Mia one more time.

The shy girl with her shiny blonde hair and princess dress who moved in when we were six.

The girl who gave me my first kiss.

The girl who showed me what true, unconditional love was.

The girl who gave me two beautiful children to adore and spoil.

The girl I envisioned growing gray and old with.

God, I’m going to miss so much. Birthdays, Michael’s first day of school, walking Aubrey down the aisle.

I’ll miss
everything
.

No, I’m not ready to go! I need her. I need them. There’s so much I haven’t gotten to do with them yet. I take a deep breath, choking on it as it hits my lungs. Mia has always been the stronger of the two of us. Ever since we were teenagers, she helped me through hard times. She was there when my dad died, she pulled me out of my self-destruction with alcohol when Gary died, and she held it together when I was terrified Michael wouldn’t survive. She doesn’t realize it, but our family is solid because of her.

Panic retreats as a sense of calm and acceptance comes over me. I close my eyes, letting this feeling engulf me. I gave it my all, but it wasn’t enough. However, with her strength, I know she’ll continue to take care of our family the way she always has, and that makes this a little easier even though my very soul is dying inside.

It’s going to be alright.

She’ll be okay.

She’ll make it through this.

“You were my first, Mia.”

“And my last.”

June 2017

M
y dearest Mia,

If you’re reading this, it’s because I’ve failed you, but not from a lack of trying. Just know I did everything I could to get back to you and the kids.

I know I’ve told you before, but you’ve made me happier than I ever could have imagined. I never knew life could be this good, but you’ve made it amazing. My only hope is that I’ve given you a fraction of the love and happiness you’ve given me over the years.

If you waited to open this like I asked on the front of this envelope, some time has passed now and I know you’re doing better. You’re strong, stronger than I ever was, so I have no doubts you’ll be fine.

You know I’m not real good with the romantic stuff, but I want you to make me a promise. It’s the whole reason I wrote this other than to tell you I love you one more time. I don’t need to ask you to watch out for our kids and tell them about me, because I know you’ll do those things. I want you to promise me that this won’t be the end for you. When you’re ready, you’ll find a new happiness. Even if that’s with someone else, it’s okay.

You deserve everything in life, and I’m so sorry I won’t be the one to give it to you. I love you so much, and all I want for you is to be happy. Don’t be afraid of it and don’t let our memories hold you back from finding it.

Just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I’m gone for good. I’ll live on through you, Aubrey, and Michael. You three were my biggest accomplishments and there wasn’t a thing on this planet that I was prouder of. I’ll be watching you guys from afar.

Tell Michael to keep his elbow up when he bats.

Tell Aubrey she’s not allowed to date until she’s thirty.

You are my heart and soul,

Blake

I
crumble the note into a ball and throw it in the trashcan next to my locker. It’s been eleven months since I almost died in that fire, and despite physical therapy and surgeries, I’m still not able to walk. I had a hard time accepting I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I normally did. Chasing after my wife and kids, jumping out of planes and fighting fires. I can’t do any of it anymore. But I quickly realized it’s a small price to pay compared to what I could have lost.

Mia was the last thing I saw before I passed out in the forest. The next time I opened my eyes, I was in a helicopter being airlifted to a hospital where part of my team was waiting on me. I was told a rescue team was able to locate me based off my tracking beacon. No one could get in by foot, so they lowered a guy from the helicopter, loaded me into the basket, and reeled me in. A few minutes later and it would have been too late.

Breathing in so much smoke caused me to pass out and damaged my respiratory system. The heat from the fire burned my airways causing them to swell, so they had to put in a trach. It was a really long six months, but when they pulled me off of it, everything was back to normal.

Well, almost everything was back to normal. I had a few broken bones, but the greatest injuries were done to my back. I broke it when I fell off the cliff and hurt my spinal cord. The doctors aren’t sure if this is permanent or temporary, but it’s been months and there have been no improvements to my mobility from the waist down.

I cheated death.

I’m alive.

I probably shouldn’t be, but I am and that is what’s important. I don’t care about the injuries because I’m still here. I get to hold my kids and kiss my wife. My prayers were answered and I’m forever thankful for that. Everything else seems minor in comparison.

“You ready to go, babe?” Mia asks, poking her head around the corner. My first response every time I see her is to smile. I can’t help it. There was a moment in time where I never thought my eyes would land on hers again. Seeing her now can only be described as a gift from God.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I tell her.

She grabs my backpack full of the things I’m keeping and hooks it on the back of my wheelchair. Grasping the wheels, I give myself a push and leave the locker room for the last time. It’s a bittersweet feeling to leave the one place that felt like a second home. These guys have become my brothers, my family.

“What time are the movers coming?” I ask her.

“They should be here at eight in the morning. The guy I talked to on the phone said he could have us packed up tomorrow, and head out the day after.” I nod as we get to the car. Now that I’ve hung up my parachute for good, we’re moving back to Tennessee to be close to family. With our current situation, it made the most sense.

“Are you okay with us moving?” she asks.

Holding onto the handle of Mia’s car, I slide myself into it and she puts my wheelchair in the trunk. Not having my normal mobility took some getting used to, but I’m adjusting and getting around a lot easier on my own. When she gets in the driver’s seat, I answer her. “There’s nothing for us here. The only reason we moved was because of my job. And, well, I can’t do that anymore.” I point to my legs.

She looks at me with understanding, never with pity. “I think it’ll be good for us to be close to family again. We’ll figure everything else out,” she says with a reassuring smile on her face. I grab her hand and kiss the top of it. Again, her strength amazes me.

New beginnings and second chances.

That’s what this next move symbolizes. This may not be where I saw myself in our future, but that’s life. Just like the fires I fought every day, it’s unpredictable. But there’s one variable that remains constant, and that’s Mia. She’s my light in the darkness, the air in my lungs, and my reason for living. With her by my side, even our biggest challenges seem doable.

My first friend.

My first kiss.

My only love.

My first and my last.

While writing this book, I did a lot of research on firefighters, smokejumpers, and what it takes to become both. I found an amazingly adventurous man through one of his blog posts that answered questions about the steps needed to become a smokejumper. He was incredibly helpful and answered all of my questions, even ones that seemed insignificant like the type of graduation ceremony they have when they pass the rookie course.

In Blake’s story, he goes from a firefighter straight to a smokejumper. I’d like to note that this rarely happens. Most smokejumpers are required to have wildfire experience and serve on hot shot crews prior to applying for these elite positions. Due to timeline restraints, I used a little artistic liberties to fit my plot.