As she glanced at her reflection in the circular mirror above the bathroom vanity, she wondered how many prime years she had left to find that prince. How many years until her dark brown eyes would be surrounded by signs of aging or before her bright complexion would begin to dull. How many years before she would be so set in her ways that no prince would be able to recognize that fragile princess deep within struggling to hang on to even the shadow of a desire to set up and play house. The reality was that Kali could barely recognize any of that left within herself. Her heart had grown cold and her soul devoid of the warmth necessary to allow a man inside. Nate had made sure of that; she had allowed him to do so. All she saw in that reflection staring back at her was a woman who longed to be free of the expectations put on her by her family and society. The expectations that demanded she not only believe but, act upon the fairy tale. She knew firsthand the aftermath that inevitably followed when that seemingly perfect fairy tale existence came to a screeching halt, and she never wanted to be a party to that sort of abrupt ending ever again. Of course, the story of her and Nate was not quite a fairy tale; she knew the darkness that lurked behind that white fence. She had lived in that darkness for two years with Nate. She liked that darkness, yet the strength of the pull she felt towards it and him left her confused, lost and broken inside. She despised what she had become, and she hated that she craved to be back in that darkness, fully wrapped up in Nate's game of lust and lies and pain.
The sun’s rays were a faint breath upon the beige walls. She wasn’t ready to leave the darkness yet. Her fingertips trailing along the smooth wall, she walked within the shadows in the hallway to her bedroom. Sitting on the edge of her new bed, she leaned forward and pulled the nightstand drawer open. It was empty except for a stack of black covered journals and a pen. Keeping a journal had become part of who she was. It was the one place where she told all. All of the good and all of the ugly, and there had been much of both during her relationship with Nate. Earlier that day, as she had unpacked the boxes that held years worth of her journals, she had considered putting all of the journals that contained entries during her time with Nate out in the garage, but she hadn't. When she was down or missing Nate, she would pull out the journal that contained the entry from the first day they met. She would read it as if she were reading one of those fairy tale books. When reading the fairly long entry from that day, she could still feel that magic. She could feel his warmth and she could see his light. The light she had seen right away in Nate had been replaced shortly after they began dating though; she couldn’t see it anymore without re-creating it from old, mostly manufactured memories brought on by that journal entry. In fact, she hadn't been able to see that light for the majority of their relationship. She was the mask he wore, the mask that displayed a fabrication of a man who possessed lightness and charm. But Kali knew what was beyond that mask. She had become a part of Nate's darkness and, in doing so, she had begun to wear a mask as well. A mask that kept everyone in her life from being able to see the darkness consuming her, the darkness she was getting lost in, a darkness she was coming to love dwelling within.
October 20, 2007
"I think I met the one today. My someone. His name is Nate Warner, and he is absolutely delicious in every way. He is tall, strong and has the most brilliant light green eyes that seem to be able to see into the very depths of my soul. Like every good fairy tale prince, he rescued me. Well, he stayed with me until the tow truck driver came to provide lockout service for me - because I lost my car key during my run. I know I shouldn't have been running that late and after dark but imagine if I hadn't been. I might have never crossed paths with this amazing man.
When our eyes met for the first time, it literally felt as though time stopped. Wait, am I really writing this? Right now I cannot believe the emotions I am feeling. I don't even know how to describe it to you, and I hide nothing from you, not ever - you know that! But this man, this amazing, beautiful man has me at a loss for words. Be still my heart, I think I may now be a believer in love at first sight. Yes, I did just say that - oh my gosh! I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. I am going to see him Monday night after work. I promise I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get home. Maybe by then I will be able to tell you what I am feeling right now. Maybe I’ve been kidnapped by aliens. Maybe writing this journal entry is just a dream I'm having, and at any moment I might awaken to discover that this magic, well, that this magic isn't truly real at all. But, if and until that happens, I am going to delight in this reality and feel every single precious goose bump growing over my body. Nate. I love the way that sounds when I hear myself say it out loud. Nate..."
The familiar ring of her cell phone bounced Kali away from her journal entry and from the memories attached to it. She gathered up the journals from her bed, tossed them back into the nightstand drawer, and rushed into the living room stumbling over the unfamiliar furniture to get to the phone.
"Hi Meg!" Kali said, thrilled to hear her best friend's voice on the other line.
"Hi K! How's the new place? Did your couch arrive this morning? I still can't believe you spent that much on a couch!" The excitement in Meg's voice was always refreshing.
Kali sighed and tried to muster all of the matching excitement she could bring out in her voice as she answered, "Yes Meg the couch is here and it's glorious! Worth every cent I spent on it. The place looks like someone lives here now and the last of the boxes are unpacked. 'A place for everything and everything in its place.' Mom would be proud."
"Can I come over or do you want to chill alone tonight?" Meg asked.
Knowing it was a rhetorical question, Kali answered, "I will see you when you get here. I'm pouring you a glass of wine now." Kali could feel Meg's smile though the phone. "And Meg, bring your pillow. I don't want to sleep here alone tonight." Kali pushed end on her iPhone and set it back on the tiled bar happy that she would not have to face the night alone.
Meg James had a light about her that was like a warm blanket in the middle of a horrible snow storm. Kali first noticed that light when they were both freshmen in high school. Meg had long, deep auburn hair and the brightest, bluest eyes a girl could have without wearing colored contacts. Her laugh was infectious, and she had a confidence that was seldom muted that rubbed off on those closest to her. It was impossible to be around Meg for any length of time without absorbing some of her positivity. Meg was exactly what Kali needed at that time in her life. Moving to a new town at the beginning of your high school career can be a devastating experience for a teenager. Kali was an honor roll kid and had been running track competitively from a young age. She had no problems making friends, but the move sent her into a bit of a shock.
Kali and her family had moved to Coronado Island just before the school year began, and she had had no time to make new friends that summer. Meg had reached out and sheltered Kali from a terrifying first day of school by making her the new cool girl without any background to go on. Meg was like that. When Meg decided she liked you, she instantly became your biggest cheerleader promoting you like a tenacious, seasoned marketing professional in a high stakes popularity contest. People were drawn to Meg and whomever Meg liked, everyone in Meg's circle liked and Meg had a very large, very prominent circle even back then. That dynamic had never changed. Meg had sat the sidelines and cheered Kali on ever since that first day at Coronado High.
Kali took two glasses of wine and walked through her living room out to the deck. She set Meg's glass down on the new patio table she had purchased to fill the large outdoor area. Kali sat in one of the chairs next to the table and felt the plush, teal cushion hug her body for the first time. She gazed out at the ocean as the sun was finishing its descent, melting into the dark blue water leaving nothing but a hint of the spectacular sunset still faintly glowing on the horizon.
Staring out at the magnificent view, Kali drifted back to her lonely place. She was still a bit shell-shocked and in disbelief that she had ended up buying this spectacular place alone. The loss she had felt at walking away from Nate still utterly consumed her. There wasn't a day that passed without Nate’s presence in her thoughts. He was there in all of her waking moments, stealing her peace of mind, leaving a wake of devastation that she felt swallowed up by at times. The emptiness she felt by his absence was palpable. Her body still yearned for his touch. Her soul still cried out in silent desperation, begging for his return. It was Kali that had walked away, but she secretly hoped that he would come after her. If he were again to put the slightest bit of pressure on her to return she knew she would do so, crawling back to him on her knees if that's what it took to make him forget that she disobeyed his direct order by leaving the way she had. Kali heard a knock at the door, jumped up and sprinted to open it.
"Meg!"
"K!"
The two hugged as if it had been a year since they last saw each other instead of the two days it had actually been. Instantly Kali felt a peace inside and in that same instant, Nate disappeared from her troubled mind.
"Come, follow me." Kali took Meg's hand and lead her out to the deck. "Isn't it breathtaking?" Kali asked as she waved her hand towards the view of the blue ocean. She picked up Meg's glass of wine and handed it to her.
"Oh K, it is breathtaking. I am so proud of you and so happy to see you in your own new space." Meg put her glass in the air and they toasted, "To the new you," Meg clinked her glass against Kali's and they began laughing like giddy school girls.
The two women sat on the patio looking out at the beauty before them. Kali glanced at Meg and was in awe of how stunning she looked and the glow that seemed to radiate from within her. Kali had been so caught up in her own life over the past year and a half trying to unravel the tangled mess left in the wake of the abrupt ending of her relationship with Nate. She had buried herself in her career in an effort to distract herself from the unbearable pain inside, so much so that she had completely lost track of what was going on in Meg's life. Feeling a twinge of guilt at the thought of being neglectful of her best friend, she reached her over and scooped Meg's hand up in hers.
"I'm sorry I haven't been a great friend lately," she said as she flashed a million dollar smile at Meg.
"Come on K, I know you have had a lot to deal with. You don't need to apologize to me. I should be apologizing to you for not being here more often; I have just been so busy with the horses and dad's business...," her voice broke up a bit and trailed off as she turned away from Kali's gaze.
"Is everything okay, Meg?" Kali asked as she gave Meg's hand a quick squeeze.
"Pish posh, don't you dare go worrying about me K, everything is fine. I'm great," Meg said in a way that left no room for discussion. Meg smiled brightly at Kali and got up from the chair to walk over to the balcony's edge, resting her arms on it and breathing the ocean air in deeply.
Meg had a t-shirt with short, capped sleeves on, and Kali noticed a large bruise on the back of her left arm. She got up and walked over and leaned against the balcony close enough to Meg that their arms were touching. She wanted to ask Meg about the bruise, but she could tell that Meg was not in the mood to talk about anything serious.
"Let's liven things up around here," Kali said walking towards the bottle of wine to fill both of their glasses up again.
Meg gave Kali a warm smile and hurried over next to her. "Yes, let's!" she exclaimed.
Monday morning arrived too early after the long week of moving in and unpacking. Kali woke up and headed down to the beach for a run to clear her mind and get ready for the day ahead. The morning air was crisp, the sky clear, and working up a sweat on the sand felt great. Shutting down her running app on her iPhone, Kali made her way up the stairs that connected the stretch of beach to the community above. When she arrived back at her condo, she found the blankets Meg had used folded neatly on the end of the couch that her friend had called a bed the night before, but no Meg. She must have left to get ready for her day, Kali thought. Meg had told Kali that she had an appointment that morning to meet an investment group about a new horse they had been training.
Meg's family was in the equestrian industry. They bred, trained and sold thoroughbred horses. They were a well-known family and well respected in the industry. Meg never made too much of it. She never acted like she came from money, and she hated the amount of schmoozing she had to do within her business. Meg called herself a horse trainer and referred to her business as the horse business and she detested anyone who made it sound like more than that. She loathed the way the horses were treated, as assets rather than animals. She fought with her father frequently about the treatment of the horses on their ranch. She spent more time at their ranch property in Rancho Santa Fe than she did in her own place on Coronado Island because she wanted to keep a closer eye on how the horses were cared for. Kali was certain that Meg left without saying goodbye only because she wanted a say in who this particular horse was sold to. She made a mental note to call Meg and check in with her later that day.
Kali was almost done getting ready. As she was tying her long, dark hair back out of her face, she heard a text come through on her cell phone. She rushed into her bedroom and unplugged her cell from the charger, intending to throw it in her purse and read the text after she had made it to the office. She glanced at the display on her iPhone as she was throwing it into her purse and immediately felt her back straighten and her chest tighten. She hadn't expected to hear from Nate again, not ever. She squeezed her eyes closed and willed herself to delete the text. She knew she couldn't go there, not with him, not again. The relationship she had had with Nate had nearly destroyed her; she was still fighting to get over him and to get past what she became when she was with him. But as she held the iPhone in her hand, she knew she wouldn't delete the message. Even with her strong desire to stay within the light, she felt the even stronger pull towards his darkness. It was a pull that she neither understood nor denied.