Authors: Leen Elle
Next, there's the state of my currency affairs, which leave much to be desired. I haven't had a real job in years. Once I bought Violet and set out, I was only able to achieve a reasonable income by storing packages on the ship and taking them to other ports. Like a mailman. But those packages don't bring in as much money as I'd like. And now, as my years of debt have built up, I've barely got anything left. And the fact is made even worse when you consider that I've got sixteen sailors on my hands as well. If they knew how bad my financial situation is, I doubt they'd still be with me.
Plus, I live on a ship, which is certainly not a suitable place to start a family. And I've been living on the seas so long that I'm not sure how easily I could adapt to dry land again. At some point, I'll probably have to take up a residence on land and get a job to ease my money problems, but until then I don't plan on leaving Violet. And once I've saved enough money, I'll head straight back out to sea again. Life on land is too difficult.
Too difficult for me, anyway.
I suppose if I had to, I could get used to living in a community again, but life on the sea is far more appealing to me and far more suiting to my character. On land, it seems as if everyone is so concerned with reputation and wealth and well-founded gentlemen. But with my shabby sweaters, old ship, and lack of a family when my fortieth birthday is only two weeks away, I wouldn't exactly be welcomed into refined society with open arms.
And on the sea, I never had to worry about love before. The difficulties of romance had never consumed me and I was grateful for that. I dreaded going through the troubles of finding a wife because I didn't think she was out there. It seemed like every woman I met wanted someone with more money or higher aspirations.
Someone more sociable or attractive.
So I escaped to the sea, where I never had to worry about such frivolities. And I went through the years without any problems avoiding marriage. I only saw women the few times a year we were docked at ports and never had time to form any long lasting relationship. I suppose you could say I wanted to avoid commitment, because it's true. Really though, I was just afraid of marriage. I was afraid to marry someone I didn't truly love for fear of a miserable life or a divorce. Or what would I do if I thought I was in love with a woman but our feelings didn't last and the marriage fell apart?
When I first asked you if you wanted to ride with us to Brighton, I hadn't any idea what might evolve from my actions. And if I'd known what would occur in the next few weeks and known that I might hurt a very lovely young girl, I never would have asked you to join us. But it doesn't do to dwell on what can never be.
And finally, before I get ahead of myself, I shall come to the last reason of all, the reason that haunts me day and night. As you know, I was a friend of your father's for many, many years. Roy and I went to school together, we depended on one another, we trusted one another. When he married Amelia and I headed out on Violet, we continued to write despite the separation. He told me all about each of his beloved daughters and anytime I was in town I'd stop in for a few weeks to say hello. Mary used to call me Uncle Charlie, though you always preferred Captain. And because I doubted that I'd ever have children of my own, I cared immensely for each of you and looked upon you as my five little nieces. When Roy asked if I should like to be your godfather, I accepted without hesitation. It was only later that Amelia convinced him that perhaps, in such a situation, it would be better if a more stable, landbound man take that responsibility. I wasn't offended, because I knew why she should choose her wealthy brother and his wife over me and my old ship, but I still felt a bit saddened by it.
The years passed by and although I'd stop in whenever I could, I didn't make it to Laraford as much as I would have liked. Roy and I still wrote constantly, though, and our friendship was as strong as ever, through parchment rather than speech.
Before I knew what had happened though, he and Amelia passed away. I didn't see any of you for such a long time. But then, two years later at that marina in Laraford, I heard a dark-haired girl mentioning the name St. James. And within days, you'd all boarded the ship and we set off.
I tried to deny it as long as I could. I told myself that what I was feeling was only the love of a guardian.
An uncle.
But there came a point when it was useless to deny it anymore, for I knew it was true with all my heart. Still though, I promised myself that I'd rid of the feeling as quickly as it had overcome me. I began looking at photos of Roy and pulling his old letters out of boxes I hadn't opened in years. Anytime I began to feel anything greater than a paternal love for you, Sara, I'd think of your father and it would help the feelings diminish, though only scarcely. In this way, I was able to control my hidden admiration.
But then, I began to realize that I wasn't the only one feeling this way. I felt sure that you, though I hadn't any idea why, had begun to fancy me as well. And this only made the situation all the worse for now there were two hearts involved, rather than only my own.
To you, all these reasons may seem unimportant. But if you knew your father as I knew him, and if you'd held his children in your arms, and if you'd known of the trust he held in you, you would understand. If you'd known him during your schooldays and talked to him of what lied ahead- a family, a home, a job- you'd know why it feels so odd to me to have fallen for his own daughter. When I imagine what he would have thought of me, should he still be with us, I'm disgusted with myself. It pains me to think of him and to think of you and to realize what terrible woes I have ridden on you both.
Although I know the hope lies far out of reach at the moment, I only wish that perhaps one day we shall be friends again.
Friends and nothing more.
This voyage is coming to an end and we shall arrive in Brighton in two weeks time, I believe.
Perhaps even less.
So until we arrive at our destination, let us do ourselves a favor and try our best to forget of all this. If I speak to you less often and seem less cordial than before, do not be offended, I beg of you. Only know that I do it so as not to hurt you.
Because until we part, I do not wish to spend my time in your company.
Although I adore the time we used to spend together, talking of books and travels and memories, it is futile to imagine that we might have that friendship back in so little time. In the passing of the years, though, I do hope that you will pay me the great honor of exchanging letters with me. Perhaps in that way, we shall rekindle our lost friendship. And if you should ever need anything, do not hesitate to call on me. For although I'm not your godfather in writing, I feel as though I could be.
Please do not hate me, dear Sara, for I've only your best intentions at heart. I still love you and I always will, though in the ways of an uncle rather than a suitor. I hope you understand why I have refused you and can respect my decision, though you may not agree with it. Know that I do not wish to damage your spirits or your heart and that I am sure you shall find a more suitable man in time. I wish you the most wonderful life in the world and I have no doubt you shall find it.
God bless you, Sara St. James.
Yours, most sincerely,
Charlie
Near the back of the ship, Sawyer and Nora stood with fishing poles at hand. Like always, Sawyer, being the good friend he was, set aside his own interests in favor of Nora's. She'd been lusting after Ben Leslie for the entire voyage but had only spoken to him once or twice. It was a sad fact indeed. So Sawyer concocted a plan for her, a plan that would most certainly gain Ben's attentions.
The first stage of the operation was conducted by Sawyer himself. To convince Ben and Jacob to join him for a bit of fishing, he flattered them with compliments that they were surely the best fishermen on board and always brought in the best catch. If they were to have a good dinner of seafood that evening, it was absolutely necessary for Ben and Jacob to do the fishing. Hearing Sawyer's good word, it was impossible for the two sailors not to agree with him. They followed him to the back of the ship, where Nora soon joined the company, and enjoyed a few laughs while waiting for the fish to bite. Everything was in place for the next step of Sawyer's plan.
With a clever rouse, he'd also brought Emy in on the scheme. She'd been baking lemon poppyseed muffins, one of Jacob's favorite foods, for the past hour. And now, she called from the kitchen that they were finished for anyone who wanted one.
Jacob's eyes lit up and he dropped his pole just as Sawyer had known he would.
"Do you mind?" Jacob asked his mate, "I can bring you back one if you want."
Ben shook his head, "Nah, I'm really not hungry. Go on. I'll catch enough fish to make up for all the ones you'll miss!"
Jacob headed off to the kitchen and Sawyer followed, leaving Ben and Nora behind. He and Emy stuffed Jacob full of so many muffins he'd surely be sick and wouldn't let him leave until he'd drank a full glass of juice as well. As they ate though, Sawyer couldn't help but continue to dwell on how Nora and Ben were fairing on deck. He kept sticking his head out the door to watch, with both a heart of hope and a mind of despair, but it was impossible to see if the plan was
laying
out as it ought to from such a distance.
He didn't find out how it went until half an hour later, when Jacob was finally able to escape the temptation of more food and headed back to Ben with a stomachache. Sawyer followed and the two pairs joined for more fishing.
But within instants, Nora asked to excuse herself. She said she wasn't a very talented fisherman and was beginning to feel a bit ill. Once Ben and Jacob had said goodbye and wished her better health, she and Sawyer headed into the privacy of Charlie's office.
"So?" Sawyer asked eagerly, "How did it go?"
Nora only shrugged, "Alright, I suppose."
"Oh, come on! You have to tell me more than that!"
"There's really not much to tell."
"Well did something go wrong? I thought you'd be grinning ear to ear after such a long meeting with your beloved Ben."
"Nothing went wrong," she gave a weak smile, "I'm very happy with the outcome. Thank you, Sawyer."
The poor boy scratched his head and pushed his glasses up further on his nose, "I don't understand it. Why aren't you happier? Why aren't you jumping up and down and grinning like a fool? Why?"
Nora sighed and collapsed onto Charlie's old sofa, "It's not your fault, Sawyer. You did everything you could and I thank you for that. But it's just no use. As much as I care for Ben, he's never going to feel the same way towards me. I've tried everything. I thought today would be the day that he'd finally notice me, and perhaps even start to fancy me as well. I did everything I could. I acted just like Mary always
does,
a little coquette, because I've seen the way she can catch a man's eye. I batted my eyelids and waved my hair around and started a lovely conversation, but it just . . . it didn't . . . It didn't work. Nothing worked. He still looked at me as if I were some foolish kid. An idiotic little girl with the light in her eyes who wants someone she can never have."
As she spoke, her voice began to falter and soften. Her dream, which she'd beheld for so many long weeks, was coming to an end before she even knew what was happening.
"You shouldn't have to do all that to get a man to notice you," said Sawyer, pacing the floor with his hands in his pockets, "If you do, then he isn't worth your time anyway."
Nora shook her head, "Oh, but you do! No man, no matter what he says, would prefer a boring, simple girl over a charming young woman."