Fix Up (10 page)

"Don't leave me hanging, Skye. You know I hate it when I'm in the dark and it concerns you."

I brush away some of my hair, my left hand getting caught in some wild locks. I tug and get free, but the knot in my stomach doesn't ease up as easily. Not one bit. Looking at him, I'm hit by his intense eyes. They still get to me. "Let's sit because I don’t think you're going to like what I have to tell you, and I don't feel like arguing with you standing up."

I sit on his bed and bring my knees to my chest, my arms around my legs. He sits beside me, his shoulder bumping against mine. "We're not going to argue, Skye. We don't argue all the time."

I laugh bitterly and shake my head. I arch an eyebrow at him. "Every time we don't see things eye to eye we argue. It's a fact."

He ponders my words and laughs nervously, tugging at his hair like every time he's nervous or uncomfortable―or annoyed. "I guess we need to work on this communication thing."

"Which brings me to this thing I have to tell you, but please don't get mad."

"I can't promise it. I don't even know what you want to tell me." He takes a cigarette, fishes his lighter out of his pants pocket and lights it. He's careful to exhale the smoke away from my face, but I can still smell the smoke and feel the slight burning in my lungs.

"Sean's mother called me a couple of hours ago." I don't breathe, don't move and keep my eyes on Duke's face as it changes from nervous to stupefied to angry in a matter of seconds.

"She called you? And you answered your phone? Why?" His voice is not loud like I thought it'd be, but more like he's trying to piece everything together before he loses it. There's improvement since our last fight.

"Because I was curious. I don't know why!" I answer louder than I intended to; I'm fed up with all the questions I have no real answers to. Everybody is throwing questions at me. "She wanted to see how I was doing and wanted to apologize."

He takes a drag of his cigarette, keeping the smoke in his lungs a long time, and releases it slowly. With his free hand he massages his temple. His shoulders are tense and his back is straight. I don't dare touch him when he's like this, trying to calm his nerves. "Is that all?"

I tighten my arms around my legs and shake my head, now my eyes down on my knees. "She asked me if we could have some coffee together next week when she's here in Seattle. I agreed."

He laughs, but there's no amusement in this sound. There's only disbelief and anger ... or maybe it is hurt. He brings his cigarette back to his mouth and locks his eyes with mine. "Why do you want to see her?"

"Because she needs to talk to someone. She's suffering."

"Don't you think you have enough on your plate?" he counters unabashedly, his eyes unforgiving. It's like he can see through me, or maybe it's because I can see the real question unasked. Is it because I can't sever all the links with Sean yet? That's a question I can't answer, like many others these days.

"I can't ignore her, Duke. Thinking about what she's living day after day is awful. What if talking with me convinces her to leave her husband?"

"And what if it doesn't?"

"Then I'll know I did everything I could. Please, understand." I release my legs and try to touch his arm, but he moves away from me, avoiding my touch. I grit my teeth and will my eyes to stay dry.

"Believe me, I understand way more than you probably understand about yourself most of the time." He finishes his cigarette in tense silence and extinguishes it in the ashtray, not once looking at me. "I wanted to ask you if you'd be interested in going away for the weekend instead of going to the party to have a change of scenery, but to tell you the truth, now I need a change of scenery on my own. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and won't be back before Sunday night. I've got to pack so ..."

“What?’’ I blink, unable to follow his flow of words, or even the path his thoughts are taking him, away from me.

"I'm going to my grandparents' house for the weekend. They're on vacation." He stands up and moves to the door, ready to open it and see me out.

I stand up and walk to him, my arms tightly crossed over my chest like I'm protecting my heart shattering inside me, making my ears buzz. "You don't want to talk about it? You don't even want to spend the weekend with me?"

He tugs at his hair and finally meets my gaze, but the harshness in his dark eyes makes me step away from him and toward the door. "I hate the idea of you seeing that woman, the mother of your ex, the ex who almost killed and raped you, the man who still has an impact on your life. I hate that you've got a past with him and these people. I hate everything about it, and I hate how it makes me feel, Skye. I need a breather, and I don't want to yell at you and drive you further away from me."

"What are you talking about? I'm close to you!"

He leans toward me to open the door. He shakes his head. "Having sex with someone doesn't mean that you're close to that person. You're not close to me, Skye. You've got something tearing you away from me most of the time, and right now I don't have the strength to fight. I'll see you Monday in class."

"Are you ... will you think about breaking up with me?" I ask, tears falling down now. The knot in my stomach disappears, but it's replaced by a big hole.

He looks at me and closes his eyes. He's not answering immediately, and I hate it because in this moment, even if he doesn't acknowledge it, he is thinking about it. Even if it was just for a second, he thought about it. "No. I can't break up with you. I love you."

"Even people in love break up."

"Yes, but they're stronger than I am and not self-destructive, so I need you.”

"You're strong. That’s what is frightening me, Duke. You can't break up with me just because I’m going to see Mrs. Lawson."

"You know what, Skye? Talk about this and about Sean with your psychologist Monday. I know you've got an appointment before I see you in your psychology class."

"I can't let you leave when I don't even know if by Monday night we'll still be together."

"I told you I'm not strong enough to break up with you even if I wanted to. I love you, and it's not about to change. I'm just going to spend a weekend alone to calm down. I need to calm down, and for once I'm not seeking the same kind of morbid comfort."

I look at my feet and feel bitter at his last sentence. I should be relieved he's not seeking the comfort of Juliet’s grave this time. I don't say another word and walk out of his room, away from him without a look back. I know if I do, I'd say something I'll regret because Juliet is a sore subject for me, just like Sean is for him. Nothing has changed, our issues in our relationship are the same, eternally spinning, circling.

In one day I was punched with the realization of how close I came to death, I acknowledged I'm still lost in Sean's vicious circle, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time since Sean sexually assaulted me, I had my ex's mother call me and I had a big fight with my boyfriend who might not be my boyfriend anymore in three days.

I dry my damp face and keep my head high. Life is a bitch, I should know this by now.

***

DUKE

As soon as the door closes behind Skye, I punch the wall. The pain numbs me, pushing me away from the edge before I do something wrong, something I’d regret. Everything in me is burning, turning all my cells into flames and my skin and emotions follow suit. Everything is turning to ash.

Skye will never stop caring about Sean and his family. They’re part of her life, part of herself, and it’s eating at me. I want her away from them, away from even the mention of Sean’s name. I can’t even think about her feelings for that son of a bitch.

Above everything, I hate what I see in her eyes when she’s talking about Sean or something related to him. She’s still hung up on him somehow, still has feelings for him. I don’t exactly know what these feelings are, but they’re there, polluting her mind, degrading our relationship, weighing between us and turning me into the jerk I’ve never wanted to be with her.

I glance to my hand and grit my teeth when I see the angry red swallowing my knuckles. At least it reflects perfectly how I feel. Angry, mad, ready to blow up. For the first time in months, I’m craving hard liquor and weed. Anything to calm myself, anything to distract me, anything to make things more bearable.

I lean my back against the closed door and let my head hit the wooden panel.

I had everything planned. Skye and I were supposed to leave tomorrow in the early hours, drive to my grandparents’ house, heading South, and enjoy a weekend just to ourselves, away from Seattle, away from our friends and family. Just the two of us, in love, carefree and … happy.

What a fucking charade.

Happy. That shit isn’t in our cards.

So, yeah, maybe I acted like a jerk, had a knee-jerk reaction to that bomb she launched at me, but I’m just a man. I can’t keep calm and keep on smiling when everything in me is screaming that all of this is just bullshit. I’ve never been one to keep my thoughts to myself, and I’m not going to start now.

I put a hand in my pants pocket and grab my phone. I quickly dial my sister’s number, and she answers on the second ring.

“Duke? Are you okay?”

I pinch my nose and sigh into the receiver. Of course she’d think something is wrong. The last time I called her was when Skye disappeared; I was a real mess. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

“Still fighting with Skye?” The sounds of her TV cease suddenly, and all I can hear is my heart beating in my ears and Alana’s dog barking in the background. She hushes it and the dog finally settles down. “You have to be understanding. She’s going through something really hard.”

I laugh humorlessly in the phone and walk to my bed before I let my legs buckle under me. The bed protests harshly in the quiet room which is only disturbed by the students in the room on the left where they’re listening to Imagine Dragons too loudly.

“There’s only so much I can take, Alana. That shit is doing more bad than good to the both of us at this point.”

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking about breaking up with her!”

I tug on my hair and shake my head even though she can’t see me. “No. I mean, that girl wormed herself inside me.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know how to let Sean go.”

She sighs and I hear some noncommittal sounds coming from her. “Think about this, Duke. You’re not the one who had to go through his abuse. Skye is the one who needs to let it go, to let him go. You just need to find it in yourself to give her enough space to do so without blowing a gasket whenever things aren’t going according to your own pace.”

“I’m hurting her,” I mumble and close my eyes to the image of Skye’s tears.

“I’ve never seen two people so self-destructive.” She laughs softly, sadly. “It’s possible that she’s testing you without even knowing it. Show her that you’re not going to bail, that you’re there even if you don’t always understand. And stop acting like an emotional teenager, Duke.”

“Thanks,” I reply wryly and talk some more with her before we both hang up. Needing my big sister, she’s the only one able to say the things only a sibling has the gaul to.

I mull over Alana’s words. Bailing is still something that crosses my mind once in a while when things get painful. I’ve been hurt so badly already that the first thing I want to do when an inkling of pain is hitting me is to bail. Bailing on Skye is impossible. Somehow, I’m chained to her, body and soul, but I do need to change something or else there won’t be any love left, only bitterness and resentment. It’s one of the worst things that could happen to a relationship.

A weekend away will help me to deal with my shit and come back as the boyfriend Skye deserves. I stand up, go to my dresser and grab the first black bag I find in the back of the dresser. Mindlessly, I put clothes in the bag, not careful they’re folded. After all, nobody will see me.

Chapter Six

SKYE

It feels weird to be back here, at this place, the frat house where Derek presides and the one Sean pledged to. A few months back several guys here were annoying and mocking me because of my name amongst other things, making real bad impersonations of Yoda the little green wrinkled creature just because my name is Skye Walker. It was really stupid and really hurt me because they were Sean's friends, and I knew it was all his fault, or influence I should say.

But today everything is different. For once, when I walked in they all said hi and even gave me some contrived smiles. I don't know if it's because of what Sean did to me or if it's Derek who threatened them all, but it feels great to know I can walk in here without expecting any kind of bullying. I can walk in with my head high and without fear.

I sigh and take a sip of my warm coke and glance at Derek, who was looking at me with a frown. I know this sullen look on his face; he's about to talk to me. I roll my eyes and close my mathematics textbook; I really struggle with this class. Derek is a natural with numbers, so he offered to help me when I was in the hospital.

I look around at his big bedroom and appreciate how neat it all looks. There's no clothes on the floor, his bed is made and his desk is perfectly in order, more so than mine for sure.

"Just spill what you want to tell me, Derek."

He nods and gestures at my cell phone. "Did you have any news from Duke? It's Sunday and you cancelled last night. Kate told me you were tired and had some phone calls to make."

That's right, I didn't go to the big party he organized here at the house. At first, we should have all come—Kate, some of her friends, Duke and I—but after my fight with Duke and his departure, I cancelled despite Kate’s insistence, claiming that it would be good if I changed my mind and went anyway. But that’s the thing, I didn't want to. After all, if Duke and I hadn’t been arguing again, we wouldn't have gone either since we'd be away for the weekend, just the two of us.

"I haven’t called him, and he sure hasn't called me either." I finish my coke and squeeze the little can between my hands until the middle is flat. "He'll be back later tonight."

"Are you sure of that?" he asks me with a serious face that makes my heart miss a beat. Am I sure? What sort of question is that?

"What do you mean?"

He checks the time on his watch and shakes his head. "I tried calling him several times, I’ve sent texts, but he didn't answer. I'm worried."

"We just fought, Derek. It's not like the world is about to end," I reply with annoyance. I've decided to not worry about Duke. There's nothing I can do. I knew he'd be angry at me for wanting to see Sean's mother, but that's my choice, and if he can't respect that, it means we have a bigger problem than I first thought. That's the ugly truth, and I'm too angry right now to feel sorry for myself or to cry in self-pity like I did all day yesterday. I even cried on the phone when my parents called. They almost packed and came in a hurry from Boston to be with me because they thought I was having some kind of post-traumatic crisis.

"The last time I couldn't reach him was after Juliet's death, and he left for a week. We found him so drunk and high we had to drive him to the hospital." His brown eyes are not as soft as usual. He really is worried, and now I am too.

I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. He wouldn't do something crazy like this just because we've got some issues in our relationship. It's not reasonable. I look down at my phone on the little coffee table in Derek's room. "Do you think I should try to call him? I know where he is."

"You think he's really at his grandparents'?"

I lean my back against the foot of the bed. "That's what he told me Friday night."

Derek takes my right hand in his and squeezes it reassuringly. "I didn't want to worry you like this Skye, but you don't realize how breakable Duke is where you're concerned. I'm sure if you try to call him, he'll answer. He can't stay away from you."

"Then tell me why he left without me."

"Call him," is his only answer. With his free hand he gives me my phone, and I don't waste another minute before dialing Duke's number. On the third ring I hear his voice—I can breathe again. I feel Derek's body relax beside me.

"Skye? I'm driving, and I don’t have my hands-free kit. What's wrong?"

I shake my head and a heavy weight settles in my heart. It seems like we're both always expecting the worst instead of just enjoying life. We're young, and yet we live our lives like we're in our late sixties. And I'm pretty sure people in their sixties know how to enjoy their life way more.

"Nothing. I just wanted to check you were okay. You haven’t called me or anyone."

In the background I can hear the low growl of his truck and the radio playing a song by Shinedown. "I told you I needed a break from everything. That's all," he replies a little harsher than I expected, immediately brings tears to my eyes. I look up at Derek, and he scowls when he sees me like this.

Without any warning on his part, he takes my phone. “Hey, it's Derek speaking. I just wanted to let you know that you just made your girl cry. Well done, man." And he hangs up, not waiting to hear Duke's reply. He puts down the phone and hugs me. "He's such an ass these days."

Through my tears I smile at Derek. I would have loved to have a brother like him. If only his little brother realized that—and Kate. We all let our issues dictate our life, but we're losing some precious time. Life goes by very fast.

"I think he's going to break up with me."

"Not possible."

"Believe me, I didn't think it could happen so fast, but you should have seen him the other day. When I asked him, he hesitated before he answered."

He tightens his arm around my shoulder and kisses me on top of my head like people do for their little sister. "Not after everything."

"I think it's because of everything. It's too complicated, and I think he's fed up of both our issues and everything still going on with Sean."

He closes his right fist on his thigh and his knuckles turn white. "What will you do if he breaks up with you?"

"Cry," I answer in a whisper, new tears following the damp path left by the previous ones. "I'll cry and feel broken all over again."

"Don't forget I'm here for you, Skye. Even if he's my best friend."

***

DUKE

“Fucking shit!” My voice rings in the car, overruling the sound of the radio and the engine.

I throw the phone on the vacant passenger seat, that same seat where Skye should have been. I punch the stirring wheel and curse some more. I press on the accelerator, trying to find something to focus on, anything to distract me from that pain, that anger I always feel these days. I thought some time alone, introspecting, would do me some good, but in the end it doesn’t change a thing. I’m a short fuse, never doing or saying the right things to Skye.

And yet, I love her so fucking much.

Every time she cries, it’s another hole in my heart. Every time her voice breaks, my heart breaks too. Every time I disappoint her, I want to beat myself to a pulp. Everything I feel for that girl is tenfold to what I ever felt for anyone, and I don't know how to deal with all these feelings, these emotions. I cut my feelings off for so long that now everything is crashing back inside of me, and I’m left with the emotional capacity, maturity of a pre-pubescent child.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not sabotaging us on a sub-conscious level. It has nothing to do with Juliet, somehow I truly think I’m starting to let her go and accept that she’s gone, but maybe I’m too afraid to love Skye. When she disappeared, I thought I’d turn crazy. I was ready to punch everybody. At the police station when I went to report her disappearance and they wouldn’t listen, I almost swung at the policemen trying to calm me down. And when I saw her walking out of that building … it pushed me back to my demons’ arms. The darkness that began to disappear came back and with that, the cravings to destroy things, starting with myself. I’m tired of being afraid, and still I’m pushing her away to the point that my worst fear, losing her, could become a reality and only by my own fault.

Over the weekend the only thought I had was how broken Skye looked when I told her that I was leaving for the weekend alone. I regret my decision even though I do think it’s for the best. A half hour ago I was calm and back on track, but of course, I had to turn on my phone and listen to my voice mail.

When I heard Derek’s drunken message, warning me off Skye and telling me that he’d rather push her away from me than see her hurting because of me, my blood ran cold with a mix of betrayal and anger. My own best friend was playing protector with MY girl. My girl, not his.

Then, before I could calm down and cool off, my phone began ringing, and I bit Skye’s head off.

“Fuck me,” I mumble under my breath and think about going to see Skye. I shake my head and change my mind. She must be too upset right now, and all I want is to have her in my arms, kissing her and loving her. Fighting with her isn’t an option, not anymore.

I’m going to try harder, and I want to understand the grasp Sean’s family has on her. After all, his mother was also a part of three years of her life. Needing to support her, it is necessary to shut up that voice in my head telling me that Skye will always have a part of herself in love with the monster who destroyed her—just like I will always have a part of me in love with Juliet.

Life is a mess, and we can’t just erase people from our memory, from our heart that once beat for them. There aren’t neat folders and pretty emotions—not always at least. But what I have with Skye can be beautiful. We shouldn’t taint it with our issues; we should perfect it instead. We can’t keep on hurting each other that way, and I need to believe that we have a chance together.

*  *  *

SKYE

"Did you cry before coming here?" Dr. Marshall asks me as soon as we sat facing each other, separated by his huge desk.

I bring my hand to my face I know it is all blotchy red with my eyes swollen. I spent many hours last night crying in Derek's arms and again in Kate's. We even fell asleep in my bed together. And this morning I cried again on my way here because just after this appointment, I’m supposed to see Duke in my psychology class, and I’m sure he'll break up with me just afterward. Otherwise he wouldn’t have talked to me that way over the phone. He sounded so remote, so distant and angry … The irony would be to break up over coffee, the one thing that reunited us to really talk for the first time.

"It was a rough weekend," I answer noncommittally. I shrug, but I have a hard time looking into his clear blue eyes to convey the insignificance of my words. He's not a fool.

"You know I need more details, Skye."

I look back at his face and narrow my eyes. "Fine!" I take a deep breath and enjoy this anger suddenly taking away all the pain surrounding me, warming the hollowest parts of me. Like always, I know it won't last, but right now I could use that anger to go through with it. "I'm about to have the
famous
talk with my boyfriend where he tells me he's breaking up with me." I stand up abruptly and startle Dr. Marshall. "And you were right! I can't believe Duke was just some guy in my life and not THE guy." I begin to pace from the huge window and back to the desk.

"Why would you think he's going to break up with you?"

I stop dead and turn around toward him. "It's not me being paranoid." I walk back to my seat and sit down. "I had a phone call from Sean's mother Friday afternoon. She asked me if I'd agree to have a coffee with her some time during the week because she'll be in Seattle, and I agreed. She's suffering too; Duke can't understand that I need to see her and help her."

"Do you think you are able to help her?"

"I don't know, but I have to try! And that's what he can't understand. Once again he questioned me about Sean and told me that I was keeping things from him, but that's not it. I just don't know where I stand right now."

Dr. Marshall takes some notes so fast it's like his mind is going too fast for his hand to follow. I guess today is a fruitful day for him. "You had fights before, and you're still together. Why do you think it's different now?"

"Because he left Seattle for the weekend and needed some alone time. When I called him last night, he wasn't sweet and even his best friend hung up on him when he saw me crying."

"Because you were with Duke's best friend?" Dr. Marshall asks me, his notes forgotten and his eyes curious.

I gape for a second and nod my head. "Yes, Derek is my friend too. He was helping me with some math."

Dr. Marshall nods and resumes his task before he settles back comfortably in his desk chair. He rolls up the sleeves of his black shirt, his clear blue eyes trained on me. "Maybe this break up is needed, Skye. Maybe it's best to end it now if he's not ready for this kind of commitment and fight. Maybe he's not the right man for you."

"But how does it work when you're about to have your heart broken in a thousand pieces? Again.’’