Fix Up (6 page)

"Were you still afraid once you woke up?"

"Yes, because I could still feel him." I look down at my knees, and I hate myself for it. I'm not trying to hide myself from Dr. Marshall; I just feel so ashamed. Not about my nightmare, but about this thing with Sean. I don't want to feel ashamed. I know it's ridiculous because I'm not the one who is a psychopath, but I do feel ashamed because I waited so long to do anything. Even when Duke wanted me to do something, I didn't. I did nothing beside telling my parents and Derek. That's all I did, and it resulted with me abducted and almost raped. In a way, I feel like I'm an accomplice in my own fate; it's awful.

"What did you do?" he asks slowly, like he doesn't want to frighten me or see me cry. My eyes are already so full of tears that I can barely see him through the blur barely contained.

"I asked Duke to come for the rest of the night. Kate was out, and I didn't want to be alone in my room."

"It's good that you called for help. Do you realize that from what you told me, you never would have done that before?" He smiles at me, and I blink several times to force the tears away. "You're doing really well, Skye. You're not staying alone when you're afraid or not feeling well, you're seeking your friends' presence and you're coming here diligently. You're making real progress."

I shrug, not sure about this. Everything is still difficult in my life. I'm not afraid to cross Sean's path anymore, but it's because I know he's in prison. Nevertheless, what Sean did for the last three years is still messing with my everyday life. For example, when I walked in the building for my session with Dr. Marshall, a man passed next to me, and his arms brushed against mine. I thought I'd die hyperventilating. Everyday is like a war with myself, and I know one day soon, I'll lose the battle. I just need to fight again and again to not lose the war.

"Tell me this again once I'm confronted with Sean again."

"When do you meet with your lawyer again?"

I think back to the lady I saw at the hospital. The officers gave my parents her card, and she came for the first statement to build my case for Sean's trial. She was very professional, but a little hard too, not very sweet and gentle as you would expect from a woman dealing with a victim of a rape attempt. But I guess I don't have to like her to work with her in order to see Sean sentenced to years in prison.

"In two days. Kate is already planning a night out to take my mind off it afterwards. It'll be the first party I’ve been to since that day."

"And you're not very fond of going out."

"I like to spend some time with my friends, but I don't like packed places. Body contact with unknown people, you know?" I really hope Derek and Kate will be able to have a real talk this time, and it'd be good for Duke and me too.

"You have to confront these situations to allow yourself to overcome these fears. Look how it worked out with your friends."

"Yeah, well, if a guy gropes me and Duke punches the guy, I'll give you a piece of my mind."

"Is Duke violent?" he asks me immediately, and it makes me smile. I want to laugh it off because I know Duke is not violent. Even if he sent Sean to the hospital once, it was the first time in years he fought. A softer man you could not find.

"Not at all, but he is very protective of me. He often tells me I'm his weakness. Though, he doesn't have a violent bone or ill-placed possessiveness in him." I look at the clock. Still over twenty minutes to go. "I know the difference by now."

"Because Sean made you feel differently even before he hit you."

A shiver runs down my spine. "Yes. He always wanted me to act a certain way when Duke just wants me to open up and find my own voice. No censor."

Dr. Marshall nods again, but his frown doesn't ease up. I don't know what to think of him, but for an ill placed reason, I like to think my psychologist is feeling protective of me. Of course, it's only because he's a good professional, and he wants to be sure I'm not going into another shitty relationship. Yet, I feel a smile creeping on my face as I think about Dr. Marshall caring about me.

*  *  *

SKYE

Dr. Marshall opens the door as we're both smiling at each other, and we come face to face with a petite blonde I know very well. I feel my smile disappear; a weird fear takes its place heavily in my stomach. She looks at us both in turn and stands up, extending a hand to Dr. Marshall.

He shakes her hand without a hesitation. I think Kate puts more pressure on the handshake than is really necessary.

"Dr. Marshall, I presume," she says without her usual smile or easy way with people. She's quite cold in fact.

"And you must be Kate, Skye's very protective best friend," Dr. Marshall replies without showing any sign of frost-bite. Good because I'm currently frozen between his office door and the waiting room.

"What are you doing here?" I finally ask when I realize Kate is now starting a glaring match with my psychologist, who is not ready to back down either. Maybe they all need to see a professional because they're all nuts.

"I wanted to surprise you and force you to do some shopping. I got a call from your mother. She wants me to drag you to get some new clothes. She said you'd go, but you mentioned nothing about it. So I guess you didn't exactly decide."

"And you're deciding for me?"

"Of course not, you'll buy whatever you want ... but in your size," she says pointing at my too large tee-shirt with her perfect burgundy nail. "It'll be good to get rid of all these clothes. You're moving on, and your clothes should too."

I'm about to protest because I really don't like to go shopping, but Dr. Marshall is faster. "I think your friend is right, Skye. Don't forget what we talked about. Don't close yourself up to the world and let only your friends and family in."

I ponder his words and nod defeated. Kate is already bouncing on her tiny feet and dragging me toward the elevator before I can even say good-bye to Dr. Marshall, so I just wave. However I don't miss the little smile on his lips or the laughter in his clear blue eyes that I still can't decipher, but I'm discovering that I can figure out when he's amused by something. It's a good start.

The elevator doors are closing on us. Two other people are inside, talking about company mergers when Kate grabs my hand and squeezes hard enough to make me cringe. "Don't think I'm going to let you off the hook. We're going to hunt for some new clothes while talking about that very young and very cute psychologist of yours."

Chapter Four

SKYE

"And what do you think about this one?" I ask Kate pointing at a black turtleneck top. I know it's not something she'd wear, or if she did, she would pair it with a trendy and colorful skirt. Nothing I'd do.

"Hmm ... I think you're trying to avoid the really important subject of conversation," she replies as she takes the top in my size which looks way too tiny compared to what I'm used to wearing. I don't say anything because I know she has a real eye for clothes, and if she thinks it's my size, it must be. I'm just not sure I'll feel comfortable wearing things that hug my body so tight.

Rolling my eyes and shrugging dismissively, I don't want to play along and make a big deal out of nothing. Yes, Dr. Marshall is young. No, I haven’s told anyone his real age. Yes, I like my appointments with him. So what? It's a good thing if I feel better talking to him. That's the purpose of this therapy after all.

"Ask away. I know you're dying to grill me."

"Don't sound so annoyed, Skye." She takes a light grey blouse, examines it with her laughing blue eyes and presses the fabric between her fingers. She cocks her head to one side, assesses me and then adds it to the three other tops on her arm, all of them for me. "You're the one who was hiding this nerdy, cute psychologist of yours. How old is he anyway?"

"I don't really know, but it's his first year of practice. It was a shock when I first saw him. I expected a man close to his retirement or something, which is ridiculous because there are young psychologists everywhere."

"Do you realize you ramble when you talk about him?" she asks me with a frown, her hunt for new clothes temporarily postponed. She means serious business. I don't like it.

I nod and put my unmanageable frizzy hair in a tight bun on top of my head. My neck is all sweaty. The weather is considerably hotter today, or maybe it's just because I'm nervous, nervous since I saw Kate in the waiting room outside Dr. Marshall's office.

"I know, but it's private."

"What is private? Your psychologist? The fact that you lied to all of us?" she replies seriously, all trace of a smile vanished. Her hold on the clothes is tighter. I can see her tiny arms tensing.

"I didn't lie, Kate!"

"Oh yeah? Then why did Duke tell me only a few hours ago that he must be crazy to be jealous of an old man to whom you're spilling everything?"

I look away from her angry face and focus on the two sales ladies talking animatedly together, obviously sharing some gossip while their colleague is helping a client who looks too old to come shop in such a place. "He just assumed Dr. Marshall is older like you did."

"Then why didn't you tell us the truth? Just imagine for one second how Duke will react once he discovers how old this man really is."

I look back at her, my eyes probably not as soft looking as they were seconds ago. "He doesn't need to know anything, Kate. Dr. Marshall is my psychologist, not a friend I'm seeing to spend quality time with. Leave this alone."

She shakes her head and flips her shiny blonde hair over her left shoulder. "As you wish, but when it bites you in the ass, don't come crying on my shoulder. And don't lie to yourself either."

"What do you mean?" I ask her with confusion as I look at a cute red tank top with white dots all over it.

"I saw how he looks at you. He looked at you the same way Duke looked at you when he first met you. And you weren't exactly pushing this Dr. Marshall away."

"You're crazy, Kate. Dr. Marshall is just an easy going man who knows how to make his patients comfortable," I dismiss it trying not to think about her words.

She grabs my shoulder, and at first I tense all over before I take a deep breath and calm down enough to face her without freezing or biting her head off. It's an improvement. "I'm serious, Skye. I'm your best friend, and when I think you're doing something wrong, it's my duty to tell you. This Dr. Marshall likes what he sees in you, and I can't blame him. I know you don't think a man can really find you fascinating, but please, open your eyes the next time you see him. And don't forget what you've got with Duke. We both know it's not easy, but Duke is amazing for you."

I squeeze her shoulder and offer her an uneasy smile. "Don't worry, Kate. Duke is the one I love. Dr. Marshall is just my psychologist. It's usual for patients and psychologists to have some kind of bond at some point. There's nothing beyond that." I laugh, but it doesn't sound genuine. It makes me feel hollow. "I don't even know his name."

"I wonder what it is." She resumes her hunt for new clothes after she smiles back at me, her bubbly self making a full come back. I sigh with relief. "He's got a face of a Nick. Or a Paul."

"Because I have a face of a Skye Walker, Kate? Seriously?"

Giggling like a maniac, she attracts the attention of those around her. She points at me and squirms like she wants to go to the bathroom, but I know it means she's only excited by something. She really does act like a five year old sometimes, and that's why I find her so refreshing. She's my ray of sunshine when I'm about to lose myself to my inner darkness.

“My God, Skye! You made a joke! Maybe this Dr. Marshall guy is good at what he does after all!"

"Told you."

But I'm not sure if I'm that innocent after all. I don't have a crush on my psychologist, I know that much, but I'm not sure that it’s normal to hide him from my boyfriend with whom I’ve shared so many things since we've met.

*  *  *

SKYE

"Skye! Over here!"

I turn around with my coffee mug in hand and find Derek waving at me with a broad smile. He's alone with his mug of coffee and an open textbook in front of him. I walk to him, trying to avoid the other people. It's harder than it looks in this small packed place. It's as if everybody came here for a coffee at the same time.

"What are you doing here, Derek?" I ask him as I sit down, tugging on the black turtleneck top I bought with Kate. It's too short and too snug on my body for my liking, but I guess I just have to get used to showing more of my small curves and a bit of skin.

Derek looks at me, and his smile broadens. We're a lot closer since what happened to me. It's weird to think that way because I haven’t known him for that long, but it's like he's my protective older brother. Sweet, caring and always trying to guide me if I need it.

"I'm trying to read something before my next class in twenty minutes. I had to go to my mother's place ... something with my little brother."

"Is everything all right?" I know there're some issues with his young brother. From what he told me, his mother has no authority over him, and he takes advantage of it. Only Derek succeeds in doing something, but it's often draining on him although he tries not to show it or talk much about it. In fact, I discovered that he has a brother only a couple of weeks ago. Being discreet with it, he's really a thoughtful guy. That's probably why we like each other. In some ways we're the same.

"Yeah. He's just messing up all his chances, but I guess now that he's getting closer to his eighteenth birthday, I won't be able to do much about it."

"I'm sure it'll get better." Words mean nothing, but that's all I can offer him right now. It's not like I'm an expert in helping others. I still have a hard time helping myself, so helping others is out of the equation right now.

Closing his textbook with a shrug, he forces a smile. It's his way of closing the subject. He takes a sip of his coffee, and I do the same. Of course, it's too hot and my eyes get all watery.

"How is it going with your psychologist? Duke told me it does you some good."

I nod and feel the bite in my stomach. Since my talk with Kate yesterday, I feel weird whenever I think about Dr. Marshall, and I'm pretty sure it'll be worse once I see Duke later. He's picking me up to go have dinner with his family. I'm not exactly sure what to do anymore. I hate feeling this out of control about something that shouldn't be messing with my head in the first place.

"It's helping. It's still difficult to talk about Sean, but I'm slowly getting there. It'll be a while before I can say that I don't need this anymore." I look around us and see a table of five guys looking at us. I know them from being in Derek's frat, but they don't look like they want to talk to Derek. I hope it's not because of me. I’ve never really thought about it, but I guess the atmosphere at the house must be awkward after all the drama with Sean and how Derek immediately took my side without any proof aside from my words. I'd like to ask him, apologize even, but I know he's not going to take it well if I apologize for Sean once again. I really need to stop this thing inside of me that makes me want to apologize whenever anything is Sean related. Though, there's something else I'd love to talk about with him because I don't like where it's all going. "What's going on with Kate?"

He clears his throat and closes his strong fists like he's about to go into a ring for a fight. I’ve noticed that whenever he's not comfortable, angry or just moody, his boxing mannerisms take ahold of him. It should frighten me after all the violence I had to go through, but with Derek it's different. I know him, and I know if there's someone who is strong enough to control his urges, it's him. I think boxing taught him that. I’m safe here with him.

"It's going nowhere. We're friends."

"But you were about to be more that day. You were
together
."

"We were talking when Duke called, but we never really talked about the important things. And after everything, I guess we just grew apart even more. I lost the urge to fight."

"But why? I mean, I understand if you both needed a break after what happened that day and what a mess I was afterward, but now I hear you’re seeing someone else?’’

He looks at his fists and forces himself to relax. I see the effort it takes him. I never really saw him like this, and I don't like to see him so restless. "Because it's easier, Skye." He looks back up at me, his soft brown eyes, but his voice is serious and not asking for any arguments. "It's complicated with my family. I'm about to graduate, and I have to find a job. And Kate is ... it's just way too complicated."

"So you settle down with a girl you don't even care about?"

"I care about Vanessa!"

"Like you care about Kate?"

"It's different."

"Well, I don't like it."

He laughs and takes my hand in his. "We're all still friends. It has to do for our little group."

"You touching my girl there, man?"

We both jump and break the contact of our hands to find a glaring Duke standing at our table. I wave him off, and Derek stands up with his textbook in hands and backpack on his left shoulder. "Don't be territorial, Duke." He grabs his empty mug and waves at me. "See you both tomorrow at the party."

I wave too and frown at Duke as he sits in the vacated chair in front of me. I don't like it when he's that jealous. A little jealousy is good, but when it's turned on his best friend―who is also my friend―I don't like it. It's like Duke is expecting me to mess up our relationship or expecting me to break his heart. I'm not the one with people drooling all over me whenever I walk into a room.

"I got a text from a friend I have a class with who told me you looked really edible today. I needed to find you and check for myself," he says with a smile as his eyes stay a little longer on my breasts hugged by the fabric of my new top. "You're always edible, but you do look good today."

"What was that, Duke?" I ask, trying to ignore his compliment even if it’s doing great things for my ego. He always finds the words to make me feel good even if I never tell him that.

He tugs on his hair and takes both of my hands in his big ones. His skin is hot and soft under my fingers, but not as soft as mine is. "I'm sorry. I know I was a dickhead, but I hate it when I see another man touching you. I guess I'm just ..."

"Afraid? But Derek is your best friend."

"That doesn't mean I like it when he touches you and looks at you with his puppy dog eyes," he replies stubbornly, now making me laugh because he, the tall, strong man with a full sleeve of tattoos, is the one using puppy dog eyes on me. It's quite funny, really.

"You're ridiculous."

"I know. You're messing with my head." His voice is deeper, quieter, but I hear him perfectly. He leans toward me above the table and kisses me softly, his lips playing sensuously with mine before his tongue enters my mouth just once to brush against my tongue. He breaks the kiss as soon as he begins it. And I'm left dizzy on my chair, my brain not really understanding the overload of unexpected sensations. I cross my legs and glare at him.

"Ready to go to my parents? They want us early because I told them about your meeting with your lawyer tomorrow morning, so we won't stay too late. That's why I'm here."

"Will your sister be there?" I ask as I stand up, my heart beating faster just at the thought of seeing my lawyer and talking about everything all over again. I'm glad Duke will be there for me, but at the same time I'm not sure it's a good idea for him to hear every detail of what Sean did to me. Duke knows parts of it, but hearing me tell it all would be a very different experience for both of us. I'm not sure I'm ready to test our relationship once again.