Flaw Less (20 page)

—
Lawson Kerry Banks

 

 

Lawson accidentally brushed up against Mark while passing him in the hallway at work. She mumbled a brusque “Excuse me” before pressing on to her room.

“Hold up, Lawson,” called Mark.

She stopped and turned around, clearly agitated. “What?”

“Lawson, are you okay?” he asked, genuinely concerned.

“Like you care,” she snapped.

Mark followed her into the classroom. “Of course I care. Why would you say something like that?”

Lawson sighed. “I'm sorry, Mark. The problem isn't you, not entirely anyway.”

“So what is it?”

“It's Garrett.” She paused. “I think . . . I think my marriage is over.”

“Come on, don't be so dramatic,” scoffed Mark. “You guys haven't even been married a year. I seriously doubt that it's over.”

“You weren't there. You don't know what happened.”

“You had your first real fight, that's all,” reasoned Mark. “Just kiss and make up.”

Lawson shook her head. “We had our first fight two days after we got back from the honeymoon. This was more than just some newlywed spat.”

“How much more?”

“He's furious with me. We haven't talked in four days, and he didn't come home last night. He called to say he won't probably won't be home tonight either. He's thinking about moving out.”

The news took the wind out of Mark. “I'm sorry to hear that, Lawson. Don't assume the worst, though. Sometimes a little time apart can be a good thing. He probably just needs a minute to clear his head.”

“That's sweet of you to say, but you have no idea what I did to him, Mark.”

“No, I don't, but I know he loves you, and I know that you love him. You'll work it out.”

“What if we don't?”

“You will. Have faith, Lawson.”

She smiled for the first time since Garrett discovered her stash of birth control pills. “You're a good friend. I'm glad we can talk like this.”

“Are you sure that's not part of the problem?”

“Huh?”

“You said whatever you and Garrett are going through wasn't
entirely
me, which means it at least has
something
to do with me. It can't be easy on him knowing that we talk and confide in each other.”

“My husband knows there's nothing going on between us, Mark.”

“But he also knows that we were intimate in the past. We have a kid together, and, if I'd had my way a couple of years ago, we'd be married by now. Having to deal with all that can't be easy for him.”

“I married him, not you. Shouldn't that count for something?”

“I can't speak for Garrett, but it's probably best for everyone involved if I fall back a little. Maybe we should keep our relationship strictly about Namon for now.”

Lawson crossed her arms in front of her. “So by ‘everyone involved,' you really mean Reggie, right?”

“I mean all of us. But the reality is that I'm trying to make this relationship with Reggie work and you want to make your marriage work. I think both of those relationships have a better shot if we limit the amount of contact we have with other.”

Lawson threw up her hands. “That's just great. It's not enough that I've lost my husband. I also have to lose my friend and my baby sister in the process.”

“You haven't lost anything yet, but God has a way of giving us the things we ask for. Only say what you really want to happen.”

—
Sullivan Webb

 

 

Sullivan sat in her BMW outside of her house. She knew Charles was inside waiting for her. She also knew she couldn't keep her pregnancy a secret much longer.

“I screwed up, didn't I?” she muttered, more to God than to herself. “How come I always do this? Am I like Paul—the things I don't want to do are the things I end up doing and the things I do want to do are the things that I don't do?” She unbuckled her seat belt.

Sullivan closed her eyes and spoke to the Lord from her heart. “Heavenly Father, how precious is your name! No matter how big of a mess I make of my life, you said you'll never leave or forsake me. Your grace and your mercy sustain me; your goodness and love know no boundaries.

“Lord, you made me. You know even the numbers of hairs I have on my head. You know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to do it, and who I'm going to do it with before I do. You tried to warn me, but as usual, I had to do things my way. And, as usual, my way sucks, except it's not just me or Charles who stands to get hurt. This child I'm carrying will be the one hurt most of all, and she's completely innocent in all this, Lord. I don't want my child to suffer for my mistakes. Lord, I know what I did was awful. Even though I tried to rationalize it, I knew that sleeping with Vaughn was wrong. I sinned against you and my husband, even Vaughn. But, Lord, I know if we confess our sins, you will forgive us.

“I don't just want to confess my sins this time. I want to
repent
. I want to change, Lord. I don't want to be this lying, manipulative person anymore. I don't want to end up like my mother. She's not only in my DNA, she's in my mind, in my blood. The only way I'm going to free myself from her and the bad thinking, the wrong values, and all the other generational curses that have plagued our family for years is to surrender myself completely to you.

“I want to be the kind of wife my husband can be proud of and the kind of mother my baby deserves to have. I want to change, but I know I can't do it without you. I'm too weak, too flawed, and too selfish to do it on my own, so I'm turning my life over to you. Do with it as you see fit. Make me over. Save me from myself.

“Lord, I'm not going to ask you to get me out of this mess. I created this situation, and I know I have to deal with the consequences, but I do ask that you protect my child in the midst of it all. God, I'm already in love with this baby, regardless of who the father is. At this point, I don't even care what happens to me as long as she can grow up safe and loved. I don't want her to be afraid and exploited like I was. If she's okay, I know I'll be okay.”

Sullivan sat alone in the car for another half hour, alternating between crying and praying. She knew she couldn't sit in there forever, but she also knew things may never be the same once she crossed the threshold into her home.

She took a deep breath before putting the key into the lock of their front door. She'd resolved to tell her husband about her pregnancy; whether or not it would be perceived as good or bad news was still to be determined.

“Oh, you're back!” exclaimed Charles, rising from the sofa to greet Sullivan at the door. He met her with a kiss. “Let me help you with your bags.”

“Thanks, honey.” Sullivan passed her suitcase to him. “Did you miss me?”

“Every second you were gone,” he replied, still smiling. “How's Vera?”

Sullivan set her purse and keys down. “Vera is very much still Vera. She's as self-centered and evil as ever, but she does send her love.”

Charles shook his head. “Bless her heart. Just keep praying for her, sweetheart.”

“I will, but seeing her this weekend brought back a lot of old memories, most of which weren't too pleasant.”

Charles wrapped his arm around her and walked her into the great room. “Sullivan, those days are long behind you. The girl you were back then doesn't even exist anymore.”

“I know. Seeing my mother just reminded me of how messed up I used to be.” She braided her fingers into his. “It really made grateful for you, Charles. You saved my life.”

“Now, don't go giving me the credit for the Lord's work.”

“Accepting the Lord into my life was definitely the turning point, but you gave me something I never had. You gave me unconditional love and a home. Our marriage gave me purpose, and you helped me see that I was a lot more than a pretty face or a hot body. Yes, it's the Lord who made me whole, but you had everything to do with getting me to the point of even
finding
the Lord.”

“Sullivan, you're not giving yourself enough credit. I couldn't have led you to Christ if you weren't ready to receive Him and make some changes in your life.”

“All I know is that I was lost and dead inside until the day Angel dragged me to church with her. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Charles was taken aback. “Wow, your visit with Vera must've been really intense. I haven't heard you talk like this in a long time.”

“I was hoping in vain that Vera would change, at the very least be apologetic. I was basically prostituted out from the time I was fourteen until I went off to college. She doesn't even see what she did wrong. She had the nerve to tell me that I'm ungrateful.”

“Vera is sick, sweetheart, and lost. You can't really blame her. She's in darkness. We just have to keep praying that one day the Lord is going to touch her heart, and she'll see the error in her ways.”

“I'm not holding my breath for that miracle. Vera is so far gone that the devil himself will probably convert before she will.”

“I've seen souls worse than Vera's be turned around by the Holy Spirit.”

“I hope you're right.” Sullivan settled into Charles's arms. “I love you, honey. More every day. When I think of how close we came to losing everything . . .”

“Shh,” Charles quieted her. “We're going to be just fine. You believe that, don't you? The Lord has His hand on this marriage. If we keep Him first and each other second, everything else will fall into place.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“We've been put through the test, Sullivan, and we came out stronger and a little closer to God and each other in the process. I don't think there's anything we can't get through.”

“What if—” Sullivan pursed her lips together.

“What if what?”

“What if I screw up again? Screwing up is in my DNA, you know.”

“I don't receive that, and neither should you. Nobody expects you to be perfect; I certainly am not! But the more we learn about the Word and God's will for our lives, it stands to reason that we won't fall prey to the same temptations.”

“What if I did? Could you forgive me?”

Charles's expression changed. “Obviously, as a Christian and a pastor, it's what the Lord has commissioned me to do.”

“What about as a husband and as a man?”

“I would forgive you. . . .”

“But you couldn't stay married to me, right?” inferred Sullivan.

“I didn't say that.”

“You didn't have to.”

“It would be difficult,” he confessed. “But I'm in this with you for the long haul.”

“You know I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt you, don't you?”

“I know that, sweetheart. I'm just thankful that we've gotten past all that adultery stuff. I think we both see how important marriage is, and we're both equally committed to making this work.”

Sullivan became uneasy. “Charles, I have something I want to tell you.”

“Good news, I hope.”

“I think it is. I'm hoping you do too.”

“What is it?”

She shook her head. “I don't want to tell you about it right now. It's a surprise, but I'll tell you tomorrow over dinner. I want to do a little shopping first.”

“Uh-oh,” groaned Charles.

Sullivan laughed. “I'm not buying for me, but I am shopping for someone I love very much.”

“Are you're sure this is going to be a surprise that I'll like?”

“It'll be a surprise that you love.”

“No hints?”

“Nope!”

“I guess I'll have to trust you then.” He lifted her chin and looked her in the eyes. “And I do, Sullivan. I trust you. I know you don't always believe that, but I trust you. You have my heart and all my love.”

Sullivan decided to tell him and let the chips fall where they may. Either news of the baby would solidify her marriage or destroy it.

—
Kina Battle

 

 

“What's wrong?” asked Joan when Kina shied away from her touch for the third time that evening. “Why won't you let me touch you? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, but Kenny will be home soon. I wouldn't want him to walk in on something I'm not ready to explain.”

“You've had me dipping and dodging your son for weeks now. I don't like feeling like we're sneaking around any more than you do. Maybe it's time I meet him.”

Kina stood up and vigorously shook her head. “I'm not ready for anything like that!”

Joan rubbed Kina's forearm. “It's okay; it was only a suggestion. Come on, sit back down.”

Kina moved out of her reach. “Joan, there's something we need to talk about.”

“What's up? Don't tell me it's no big deal because I can see it all over your face.”

Kina took a deep breath. “Joan, I like you; I really do. You're smart, beautiful, and protective—just so many wonderful things.” Joan smiled bashfully.
“But . . .”

“There's a ‘but'?” Joan's smile vacated the premises. “Hold up—is this
the speech?
”

“What speech are you talking about?”

“The kiss-off speech! I've heard this speech before. Heck, I've even given it a few times.”

“Joan, it's just that I've been catching a lot of flak about us . . .”

“From who?”

“My friends, my boss, people at the church.”

“You can't listen to all that negative stuff, Kina.”

“My friends are very loud, and my conscience is kind of hard to ignore.”

“So are your feelings for me! Anyway, who cares what anyone else thinks? You can't be in a relationship for other people's convenience and comfort. You have to be in it for you and what makes you happy.”

Kina shook her head. “I wish it were that simple.”

“It can be.”

“This isn't just about people giving me a hard time about us being together. It's also about my walk with God.”

“Kina, God wants you to be happy. You said yourself that I make you happy.”

“I know. . . . But I just don't think being with you is a part of God's plan for my life.” She looked up at Joan. “I had to come to some harsh realities, Joan. When I imagine my life ten or fifteen years from now, I don't see myself with a woman. I see myself married, possibly having another child or two.”

“And you can't see this life with me because, what, I have a uterus?”

“No, because we want different things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, we want different body parts, for one.”

Joan was taken aback. “Are you kidding me?”

“Joan, you should be with someone who wants to be with you and can accept you just as you are. I can't stand here and honestly say I can see coming to church with you on my arm or introducing you to Kenny as my girlfriend. I'm sorry.”

“I deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with me. Obviously, that's not you.”

“I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be hurtful.”

“I guess that part is just a by-product, right? I knew this would happen,” muttered Joan to herself. “Why did you even start this relationship, Kina? I asked you if you were sure and you said you were.”

“That was before . . .”

“Before what?”

“Before I realized who God wants me to be with.”

“Let me guess—it's a man!”

“Yes, it is. He's a very good, spiritually grounded man who loves God and lives by the Word.”

“Well, Kina, I wish you luck with your new
man
. Maybe he can figure you out. Lord knows I couldn't!”

 

 

Kina hummed to herself as she bounced around Kenny's room collecting dirty laundry.

“Why are you so happy today?” he asked, looking up from his book.

“God is blessing us, baby, can't you feel it? I just know that good things are about to start happening again.”

“I got an A on my math test. Does that count?”

“It sure does! I'm so proud of you.” She kissed him on the forehead. “Other wonderful things are happening too.”

“Like what?”

“Well . . .” She set the laundry basket down on the floor and sat on the bed next to Kenny. “I think that God is sending someone into our lives who's going to be everything you ever wanted in a dad and all I've ever wanted in a husband, a real God-fearing, spirit-filled man.”

Kenny was surprised. “You got a new boyfriend, Mama?”

She giggled. “Not exactly, but I'm hoping I will soon.”

“Who is he?”

Her smile faded a little. There was no easy way to say that her perspective new husband was her best friend's current one as well as their pastor. “I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much. Just know that he's a wonderful man who makes your mother very happy.”

“Do I know him?”

Kina playfully pinched him. “What did I say about jinxing it?”

“I know. I was just wondering . . .” Kenny exhaled. “Does he know what I did?”

Kina gave him a reassuring smile. “Yes, he knows.”

“Does he think I'm a killer or something?”

“No, sweetie. Nobody thinks that. You saved my life, Kenny. No one blames you for what happened.”

“That's what my therapist always says, but I still feel bad about it.”

“Well, don't,” commanded Kina. “You're a wonderful son, and you deserve nothing but the best.” She kissed on him the cheek. “And for once, that's exactly what we're both gonna get.”