Fleabrain Loves Franny (16 page)

How dare he talk about her as if she weren't there, as if she were a strange, unlikeable girl just because she'd gotten polio! As if there was no hope that things would ever get better; as if she didn't have,
couldn't have
, a good friend or two! And as if Dr. Harris Engel knew every single thing there was to know, and Muriel and Sam were
dumb (and why weren't they Mr. and Mrs. Katzenback to
him
?), just because they worried about their daughter.

Dr. Engel turned and bent over Franny in her chair, speaking to her in a loud voice as if not only her legs but her ears weren't working properly. “All right, young lady! It's been so good to see you again! Just continue the exercises with your caregiver!”

“I will, Harry,” said Franny.

And then, courtesy of her active imagination, Dr. Engel stood before her in floral bathing trunks, a yellow-ducky tube around his belly because he'd never learned to swim.

Doctors didn't know everything.

Horsey! Horsey!

Happy Birthday to Franny

F
ranny mailed out six invitations to her eleventh-birthday celebration, to be held Sunday afternoon, March 1, 2:00
P.M
., with cake and ice cream. Walter Walter noted in one of his Get Well cards that he couldn't make it. The mother of the A, B, and C Solomon siblings phoned with her sincerest regrets, as the family would be traveling to Highland Park that day.

On the morning of the party, the dining room table was set for three with good china and flatware, a pink-and-yellow-striped tablecloth, and a two-layer cake from the Waldorf Bakery, dark chocolate icing with lacy pink birthday wishes. Alf lay by Franny's wheelchair as she waited for the guests to arrive. At 1:45
P.M
., Teresa Goodly phoned to say she had to visit her great-aunt, but she'd probably stop by to drop off her gift in the late afternoon. Franny's mother removed a place setting and moved the two other settings closer together.

“I hope Katy comes,” said Franny.

“Of course she will,” said Mrs. Katzenback. “And we'll have another celebration with the family tonight.”

Franny was wearing her favorite dress, golden yellow with punctuation marks all over it—commas and semicolons and exclamation and question marks. And her Mary Janes. “There will be lots of leftover cake!” she said, trying to joke, her voice trembling with disappointment.

Oh, pooh, why care?
thought Fleabrain. Birthday parties were a needless, pagan ritual, originally observed by the ancients at a time when birthday horoscopes and birthday omens were used to forecast droughts and cattle disease.

And then there was the infamous Roman Emperor Caligula, born August 31, AD 12, died January 24, AD 41, who considered himself a god. He organized a lavish birthday party for his baby daughter, which included two days of horse racing and the ritual slaughter of three hundred bears and five hundred assorted other beasts.

Such disgusting excess!
thought Fleabrain,
not to mention all those homeless fleas as a result of the slaughter
. He lay very still at the tip of Alf's tail, made sick to his stomach by this knowledge.

Still, he was happy for Francine when Katy arrived at five minutes past two. And he had to admit that the modern tradition of birthday cake and gifts was a big improvement over grim omens and dead animals.

“Would you like some hot chocolate?” Franny asked her guest. “With a marshmallow on top?”

“Don't mind if I do,” said Katy, offering her cup. “Franny, I'm so glad this is a one-to-one party. Because of, you know, my—”

“Affliction!” said Franny.

“Right,” said Katy.

Both girls giggled.

“Teresa is going to drop by. Maybe,” said Franny.

“It's a really, really lovely party, just the way it is,” said Katy.

Fleabrain thought it was a devastatingly boring birthday party. Not that he'd ever attended another, but any fool would come to the same conclusion. Sprightly conversation was vital at social gatherings! The devastatingly boring conversation at
this
party revolved around
Charlotte's Web
, both girls' favorite book (Katy had her own copy now), as well as the unremarkable coincidences in that both girls' names ended in
y
and their favorite color was yellow. Not one smidgen of a mention of current events or Nietzsche or Shakespeare or even Howell's
Paramoigraphy
! And the music, if you could call it that! Was any tune more devastatingly boring than “Happy Birthday to You”? Especially when tooted on the clarinet?

After playing the song, Franny leaned over her beautiful, fancy cake and blew out the candles. Katy clapped.

“The birthday person isn't supposed to provide her own music, but ‘Happy Birthday' is such a nice, easy song, I couldn't resist,” Franny said.

“When you come to my house, bring your clarinet, and we'll do a duet. I can play that song on the trombone.”

Franny frowned. “Doesn't your house have a long staircase in front?”

“Yes, it does,” said Katy. “But that shouldn't be a problem. We'll make a friendship seat for you. You know the kind I mean.”

Katy held her left wrist with her right hand.

“Oh, I see,” said Franny, doing the same.

Then the girls clasped one another's wrists with their free hands to make a “seat.”

“See?” said Katy. “My mom or dad will be at one end, and I'll be at the other. And you'll be sitting in this seat as we carry you up the stairs.”

“A friendship seat,” said Franny.

“Stronger than rope,” said Katy. The girls swung their linked arms together.

“Now, time for cake!” Franny said.

“Oh, please open my gift first,” said Katy. “I can't wait for you to see it.”

Franny took several moments to carefully untie the yellow ribbon and open the brightly wrapped small package. The gift was a crocheted yellow spiderweb.

An utterly useless and ridiculous gift!
thought Fleabrain.
Poor Francine
.

“I'm learning to crochet. Spiderwebs are really, really easy to make, because if you make a mistake, it hardly shows,” Katy said. “You can use it as a coaster for a glass of water on your night table, or hang it on the wall for decoration, or use it as a hanky.”

Oh, for goodness' sake
, thought Fleabrain.
How can you blow your nose if your hanky has holes in it?

“It's beautiful,” said Franny. “It could also be used as a table protector under a potted plant. Or a bookmark for
Charlotte's Web
!”

“What a really, really wonderful idea,” said Katy.

You both must be joking
, thought Fleabrain.

But now he was worried.

As he matured day by day, he was absorbing the Truths of the Universe at a rapid pace. Aside from the Truth he'd learned from Great-grandfather Zadie Ben (a truth he couldn't even bear to think about), there were many other truths he was acquiring, truths he supposed everyone learned as they went through life, including:

The day is long when you are bored but whizzes by when you are having fun.

The night is long when you are awake and as nervous as a cockroach but whizzes by when you're asleep.

Odors—perfume, excrement, garlic—call up memories, and everyone's memories are unique.

No two dog hairs are exactly the same.

Several good friends are nice to have, but one good friend is enough to make you happy. Sometimes one is all you need, really.

That
was the worrisome truth.

“Thank you, Katy. It's the best birthday gift ever,” Franny said.

We'll see about that
, thought Fleabrain.
We'll just see about that!

FB Saliva #1-X

H
is dear Francine deserved much more than a table protector for a potted plant. With holes, no less.

Fleabrain knew the perfect birthday gift, inspired by an old coloring book of Franny's. Although she had long since outgrown crayoning in coloring books, Franny had kept this one for its fascinating content. It was called
Let's Visit the Seven Wonders of the World!
Mrs. Nelson, aware of Franny's interest, had brought her several books about the Wonders. After reading them, Franny had carefully outlined each Wonder in the coloring book with a Crayola Black crayon, lightly shading in the rest with hues she hoped were true.

Fleabrain planned to show Francine the true colors of the Seven Wonders, one Wonder on each of seven nights. A birthday week of Wonders! An around-the-world extravaganza, a lollapalooza tour of Wonders!

The gift would require an application of FB Saliva #1-X for speed-of-light warp drive, woof and whinny travel.

“A drop on each hoof, paw, and ear will allow us to travel in a flash,” Fleabrain told Franny. “I promise, there will be no jet lag the following day. Just wonderful memories.”

“Oh, Fleabrain!” Franny opened the coloring book to its Table of Contents. “Stonehenge. The Leaning Tower of Pisa. The Colosseum. The Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa. The Hagia Sophia. The Taj Mahal. The Great Wall of China. Do we have to go in order?”

Fleabrain smiled. “My dear Francine, there is no order, except that which you yourself create.”

A Wondrous Travel Journal

WONDER #1

STONEHENGE

FK:

Leaving at 3:00
A.M
., we zoomed instantly east across the Atlantic in order to arrive in Salisbury, England, at eight in the morning. Several tourists were already there. I pretended I was a local who was riding her horse and exercising her dog. My imitation of Queen Elizabeth's accent helped.

Stonehenge is beautiful and mysterious, just as I knew it would be. My coloring book had posed many questions: Who built it? Why? When? How did they move those heavy stones? Experts, as well as FB, have some probable theories, below.

I have used a mixture of Silver, Gray, and Prussian Blue crayons in my coloring book, but they don't truly capture what's in my mind.

FB:

A magnificent Wonder!

Yet

one has to chuckle! The medievals thought the Wizard Merlin had built it!

A bit of excavating in the area on my part easily revealed pieces of decorated, flat-based pottery. Thus, Stonehenge was built around 2500 BC, during the Neolithic period
.

And how were those heavy stones

moved?

I put forth this theory: Could there be an ancestral connection from that era?

A Neolithic Fleabrain? Who is to say nay?

WONDER #2

THE CATACOMBS OF KOM EL SHOQAFA

FK:

We zoomed east across the Atlantic once again. For this flight, however, we departed at 10:00
P.M
. in order to arrive while it was still dark. Fleabrain, prudent as always, had reminded me to bring a flashlight. Lightning and Alf were terrified and stayed outside, so we just peeked in and didn't remain long.

Catacomb means “underground cemetery,” and it was first built in the second century AD. FB translated Kom el Shoqafa for me, which means “Mound of Shards” in Arabic. Relatives would gather to
bury and remember their dead and have a bite to eat. But they were too superstitious to bring home their food vessels, FB explained, so they just broke them and left them behind.

I have tried to correct the color in my book using Burnt Sienna and Gray and Melon and Gold, but as I said, it was dark when we were there.

FB:

Oh, the melding of cultures—Greek, Roman, and Egyptian! The

carvings on the walls, the sarcophagi themselves, how artistically, historically, devastatingly fascinating!

But I didn't have time to present a proper lecture to Francine
.

That lily-livered horse and the spineless hound were spooked by the spirit of a dead donkey, who, on September 28, 1900, caught his hoof in a crevice

and plunged to his

death to the bottom floor, thus introducing the catacombs to the modern world
.

Alf's impatient whining and Lightning's terrified snorts slightly spoiled and definitely shortened the experience for us.

WONDER #3

THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA

FK:

Leaving Pittsburgh at 3:00
A.M
., we arrived in Pisa at 9:00
A.M
., just as the tourists were lining up. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a tall bell tower in the city of Pisa, Italy. The Leaning Tower of Pisa leans. It really does. It made me sad to think about the embarrassment of the poor architect who designed it long ago in the twelfth century. Nobody is quite sure who he was, exactly, but he was probably not very boastful about it. The Tower was built on a very weak foundation, and when workers began the second floor, the Tower began sinking into the soil, which was too soft on one side. They did not try to build again for another hundred years, too busy with wars. By the time they tried again, the soil had settled, and it was much safer.