Flicker (22 page)

I enter the Energy Room and find it empty. The chair is there but sits vacant. Not understanding, panic sets in. I run from the room, desperate to find him, remembering how weak he felt earlier today and how exhausted he looked at the Ceremony. I’m not paying attention and I crash into Councilman Depend in the hall.

“Where is he? What’s happened?” I cry.

“It’s none of your concern, no need to worry.” His hands are filled with glass vials of medicine.

“I’m following you.”

He doesn’t tell me no, not that I would have listened and I race after him. Hoping against hope that I’m not the reason for his undoing.

chapter twenty-nine

I
follow Integrity to a door leading somewhere I’ve never been. The mysterious halls in this place are a never ending maze.

“This is the Nobleman’s room, I’m going to go in first, and find out from the doctor if there’s an update.”

“But what happened?” I ask, grapping his sleeve before he turns to go. The charge between us is there once more. I pull away and look into his old, cloudy eyes.

“He collapsed an hour ago and isn’t recovering. He has never been ill like this before.”

I nod my head, tears falling on my cheeks. I can’t lose him before we’ve had a chance to begin our life.

“I’ll be right here.” I sit outside the room, on the stairs, biting my nails, waiting for news and desperate to see him. I had such hopes for tonight, and now everything’s changed.

There’s a commotion inside the room. Humbleman Depend yells out, “We aren’t going to do that!”

The door opens, and I jump back. Depend, Integrity, and Discernment walk out of the room, arguing, followed by a man I don’t know, presumably the doctor.

“It’s his future Vessel-mate, Depend.”

“This isn’t just about a girl anymore. If something happens to him, it happens to all of us.”

“Is he okay?” I ask.

“He isn’t responding to anything. He has a pulse, and every few minutes he says a string of words that make little sense, but nothing else,” the doctor answers. “We’re trying to revive him, but there isn’t much in the way of medicine on the Refuge. Not that if we did have any we’d know what to do to
help him
. He isn’t human.”

“I see.” My lip quivers as I’m forced to face the fact that he may be dying, knowing lemon balm and sage poultices can’t revive someone from their death bed.

“You can have a few minutes with him, but we’ll be back to monitor him,” the doctor says.

The men walk away, and I push open the door. I pull in my breath as I see him lying lifeless on the bed. His head rests against a pillow and though his body’s free of blankets, a sheet is twisted around him, as if he’s been tossing and turning for days.

With his shirt off his muscles reveal his strength, but the lack of light coming through his skin masks his true power.

Seeing him without his brilliant shine, I hardly recognize him. There’s no illuminating spark dizzying me. Without the light he’s just a boy who’s sick. A boy I’ve fallen for in ways I don’t understand.

“Nobleman?” I whisper, walking towards him. I’m not threatened by being blinded by his eyes for they’re closed. A slow whimper escapes his lips, his agony wrenching him from the relief of sleep.

“Nobleman, it’s me, Lucy.” My throat tightens when he doesn’t answer.

His eyes open a crack and I want him to look up at me, to know I’m here with him.

“Lucy, is that you?” His words are quiet, but I know his words. I know him.

“It’s me. What do you need?”

“I can’t see anything, it’s like I’m blind.” His eyes are open, but vacant, and I kneel next to him as his body twists on the bed as though something’s being pulled from inside.

Frantic, I try and remember the medicine we used at the compound, but I don’t know what to do. When my mind goes blank, my body knows what he needs; it is a truth deep and clear.
He needs out of the dark, he needs light
. My body responds with the flicker in the center of my hand. I cry out, relieved to see the small speck of light. It’s so tiny compared to the power he has to light the world.

“I’m right here, Nobleman. I’m by your side. Shhh. It’ll be okay.” I don’t know if that’s true, and fearful tears prick my eyes. I don’t know if my touch will help, I just know what I want it to do.

Sitting down on the bed next to him, I press my palm to his palm. I lace my fingers with his fingers, feeling the charge. Our bodies shudder, and I squeeze his hand against mine causing his entire body to convulse as I hold him tight as though I am electrocuting him. I don’t let go.

His body pulses, then he stabilizes on the bed, no longer shaking. Intense rays of light explode in a kaleidoscope of color, escaping his body and surrounding us. It’s the same light I’ve seen in myself when I close my eyes tight.

The rainbow of light holds as I clasp his hands. I’m terrified to let go because I’ve been waiting my whole life to be alive like this. As my hands touch his, our life force connects us to one another.

“Lucy, what’s happened? What did you do?” He sits up as though he’s been brought back to life, recharged.

I recharged him.

His skin’s illuminated once more. The exhaustion he wore on his face has been replaced with a brilliant smile.

He looks at my hand holding his.

I don’t want to let go, but I know I must, to show him the flicker in the center of my palm, so he can understand. When I do, the kaleidoscope of color vanishes, and the room is filled with the Nobleman’s white light once more.

“It’s what I wanted to show you, tonight, on the ledge. I wanted you to know why I was scared to touch you; I was scared of what might happen. I thought I was going to lose you and that’s scarier than anything I could have dreamed up.” My face is swallowed in tears.

“What is it you wanted to show me? I still don’t understand.”

“I have the light, too.” I hold up my hand for him to see. Under Mom’s orders I’ve kept it a secret all my life, while the Nobleman’s shared his light every day of his.

He touches my hand, where the green light emits; he holds it close to his face examining the flicker.  His soft fingers circle the center of my palm, bringing back the rainbow light. The light we make when we touch. He traces my light and my breath catches, a shiver spreads through my body. His eyes meet mine and my shoulders fall, like I’ve been holding myself together all alone my entire life and I don’t have to anymore. I can let myself down, knowing he’ll catch me and never let go.

He lays speechless before me, but I don’t need him to say anything because words have become secondary to the power of our touch. I lace my fingers through his once more, knowing the Council will return in moments, demanding to understand how he’s been healed. But I don’t care; I want to press myself against him, have him wrap me in his arms. He holds my hand as though promising to never let me go.

The Councilmen and doctor barge through the room, carrying handfuls of tiny bottles, tinctures and medicines, as though a last ditch effort might revive him some how. I immediately pull my hand away. Their jaws drop, revealing their astonishment as they see him sitting in bed, his light having returned, but with a multitude of colors surrounding the room.

“What happened here?” Humbleman Integrity cries in relief.

“How did this recovery happen?” the doctor asks.

I start to speak, but the Nobleman stops me, “I will explain, Lucy.” I narrow my eyes at him, but he disregards my concern. “I turned a corner. I knew my light was dim, but I pulled the energy back. I was able to break free by visualizing the light.”

His explanation makes no sense. Visualize?

“Well, that and also, I have--” I start to explain, but the Nobleman interrupts.

“Also, Lucy helped me, she was able to comfort me like I am sure a mate is required to do. Council, you know that better than I.”

I look at him, puzzled No longer scared of the Council, I’m ready to be brave like Mom wanted. I don’t want to hide.

“Oh, oh of course.” The men look at the floor, uncomfortable at the turn of conversation.

“This is such a relief. No one needs to know of your close call, especially the other Refuges. That would just upset the Vessels and we don’t need that.”

“Well, we could spin it, you know, as a lesson to teach the Vessels that they need to be industrious, as if their days are numbered.” Humbleman Rely suggests. “Some of them will have noticed the disruption of the source tonight.”

No one sees this as a miracle, as a gift–– our prophet lives yet they only speak of logistics. I don’t understand.

“You can decide all that in your Council Chambers,” the Nobleman says, brushing them off. “But for tonight, Vessel Lucy needs to stay by my side, to keep vigil. It is her duty as my future Vessel-mate.”

“Of course, Nobleman, that would be best. It’s late and, Lucy, if anything becomes amiss - you must let us know straightaway.”

“Of course, Humbleman Integrity,” I choke out. After the men close the door behind them, and we’re alone once more, I turn to him, “I was going to tell them about my light. I don’t want to hide anymore. Earlier I thought we should keep it a secret, but Nobleman, we don’t need to cower to them.”

“They can’t know, it’s not an option.” He makes a line in the air with his hand as if it’s not up for debate. “You would become a commodity.”

“But together who knows what we’re capable of? I’ve always wanted to know what my purpose was. I thought I needed to leave here to have freedom, but it was just like my mom thought … I belong here with you. Together we can change things on the Refuge, I’m not scared of some old men.”

“Maybe it’s good to be scared of some things, we wouldn’t stand a chance against them. I’ve told you before, trying to change things will make everything worse for the Vessels.”

“So you’ll be a martyr on your own? For what purpose? I’m not saying I’m like you or anything; obviously my flicker is so small and you … you light the World … but I think I might be a part of the prophesy. We were born the same day, the same moment, Nobleman! Do you understand how amazing that is?”

“Stop calling me the Nobleman, okay? I can’t do this anymore!” Anger spreads across his face like wildfire.

“But that is who you are!
You are the Nobleman.
The sacred text says so, and in some convoluted way, it makes sense.” The world feels upside down as I try to convince him.

“No, that isn’t who I am. My name is Lukas, and I’m the son of Ernie and Layla, the brother of Charles. Can that be enough for you?”

Silence forces itself over the room. I don’t want to learn about his parents when he’s upset. I don’t want him to confide in me about his name when he is angry. Those things I want to learn in time, not like this. This isn’t how the night’s supposed to end.

He pushes his hair from his face and his shoulders seem to tighten once more. The weight that just fell from my shoulders falls on him. I don’t want to weigh him down, be another burden to bear.

“It’s enough,” I say realizing that it has to be enough for tonight. I don’t care if the Nobleman is Lukas or the prophet. I just want him. There’s so much more to every decision, every choice, than I realized.

Honor was right. When I first arrived at the Refuge she said
Our Nobleman did not enter this world the day it was created. He waited many years before his time came. Can you not wait as many days to understand your place in that world?

I can practice patience for Lukas.

“Will you lie here with me, Lucy?” he asks, his anger gone, replaced with exhaustion. It would be impossible to say no, even if I wanted to.

I don’t understand so much of what he says, what he fears, but I understand this: holding Lukas’ hand is where I belong. He moves over in the bed to make room for me and I lie down, looking in his eyes, holding them steady.

As I pull his other hand in mine, resting it under our chins, the kaleidoscope of color returns, filling the room with light.

Our Light.

chapter thirty

I
wake up next to the Nobleman, and a smile spreads across my face as I realize this is real. We didn’t explode or instantly combust when we touched.

“Lucy,” he whispers, pushing a strand of my red hair behind my ears. “I can’t believe you held a light and didn’t tell me.”

“I was scared, Noblem … I mean, Lukas. Lukas, really? That’s your name?”

“I know. It hardly sounds real to me either. I have only been called the Nobleman for so long. After my family left, no one remembered.”

“You let me keep my name.” I nestle closer to him, braver this morning than I was last night.

“How could I change your name? It means light, the same as Lukas. Did you know that?”

“I did know that, I’ve read lots, remember?”

“I remember. My Mom would always talk about the meaning of names, she hated that The Light changed them. She thought it caused people to lose themselves, their identity. She hated all the stuff about getting Bound, too. That is why I have held off on choosing a mate. She used to tell me I needed to be patient, find a girl who could be my own lady of the light.”

“And I’m your girl?”

“You did announce to the entre Refuge that we’re getting Bound.”

“Right, about that.” I sit up, re-braiding my hair. “I was scared you were going to touch me like you did Hana, so I improvised.”

“Did you not mean it?” His face twists in confusion, revealing his truth: he wants my declaration to mean more than it did.

“In the moment it was about self-preservation.”

“But now?”

“I admit I feel different now than before, but
Bound
? I mean that’s really serious, Lukas. That’s like, forever.”

“You don’t want forever with me?” He rubs his thumb against mine, and my chest stretches tight, knowing I
do
want him. In this moment I could make him promises, but it doesn’t feel right.

“There is just a lot of other stuff on my mind. I can’t stomach the things happening at the Refuge. Timid should know how to read; she should play with dolls and be tucked into bed at night. She shouldn’t be separated from her mother at birth, not allowed outside, delegated to washing dishes and sweeping floors. Locked in closets when she misbehaves.”

“I never knew about the dark rooms, Lucy, I swear it. After you told me about Basil, I asked the Council. They showed me one of the rooms only because I was so persistent. It’s horrible, Lucy. That’s one of the reasons I chose not to tell the Council about you last night. I can’t have you be another toy of theirs.”

“It’s more than dark rooms, Lukas, the Humblemen are abusing their Vessels.”

“What are you talking about?” Lukas jerks away, shocked at my confession.

“My mom, she has bruises all over and I think she broke her arm, or twisted it. And she’s not the only one.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared and confused and felt all alone.” I let tears fall, and Lukas wraps his arms around me. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to help her.”

“Lucy, you’re not alone, not anymore.”

*****

I go back to my room and find the girls waiting for me with breakfast.

“Thank you, but I don’t deserve this.” I say, sitting down to eggs and toast. I left Lukas to get ready for the day, promising to return to him after the service at the Haven. We need to figure out a way to lessen the control the Council has over everyone in the fold.

“This morning in the kitchen Vessels spoke about your Binding Ceremony, and how it’s going to be the most beautiful one ever,” Timid tells me. “They think either all the important people from each Refuge will come here to see the ceremony, or else you’ll take a tour to every Refuge after you’re Bound. What do you think?”

“I’m honestly not sure.” My mind swims with images of Mom’s worried face, of Basil’s empty eyes.

“Do you think everyone will call you Noblelady?” asks Hana.

“I haven’t had time to think on it yet, but I’ll let you know everything when it’s decided.” I finish my food, as the girls head off to the service and their duties. I decide to slip out and see Mom before it begins. I need to tell her I finally showed Lukas my light, and that I’m going to figure out a way to bring down the Council. I want her to know she was right, I do belong here, I do have a purpose and it’s all thanks to her.

I look for her at the entrance of the Haven, and scan her regular pew, but I can’t find her.  That’s odd; Mom is always here next to her Humbleman. The Nobleman walks to the front of the room, ready to deliver the light to the Vessels, but I don’t go in. He doesn’t see me, and I’m free to slip away undetected by the eyes of the fold. An uneasy feeling settles over me, even with all the strain between Mom and me over the last month, she’s still my Mom. I need to find her; she never misses a service.

As I walk to the greenhouse an intense pressure in my head grows. My eyes feel like they’re going to fall out from the insistent throb and I press my fingers to my skull. Remembering Mom’s theory of the connection between my headaches and the pain she feels, I need to get to her as fast as I can. Hoping she is wrong, I run down the empty halls, scared of what I might find.

Once at the greenhouse I look for Mom down the rows of vegetation, but the place has cleared. Everyone’s gone to the Haven. I’m just about to leave when I see Duty, Mom’s partner, on her hands and knees in the corner.

“Duty, have you seen Clarity?” I ask.

“Don’t come here, you need to go!” she shouts at me.

“Okay, I was just looking for my mom, do you know where she mi--” I stop short as I see her sitting in a pool of blood, her white Vessel gown blooming with red. “What happened, Duty? You need help!” Her forehead’s cracked open, blood falls down her face, but her eyes are alive as she grabs my hands.

“I’m okay. Go. Just go! You don’t want him to know….” She collapses and I catch her as she goes limp in my arms, the color in her face drains, her eyes roll back in her head. Don’t die. Don’t die. Don’t die. I’m pulled back to the compound, when Mom held Diane in her arms. I look around to see if anyone is here who might know what happened to Duty.

“Duty, stay with me.”

She breathes, but there’s so much blood. I need the doctor. She blinks her eyes, and her grip tightens on my wrist.

“You need to go, Lucy. Resolve will be back. He just took your mom … he’s coming back for me….”

“No, this isn’t okay.”

I seek inside myself for my light, and the flicker appears. I press my hand against her forehead, watching as the green light erases the break in her skin, healing her instantly. I blink, dizzy from the effect of giving her so much light, and focus on breathing to steady myself. “You’ll be okay. Don’t move. I’ll get the Nobleman, and we can go to the Council together to do something about Resolve.”

She looks at me in amazement, realizing I have light. After reviving Lukas last night, and now this, I know my gift to heal is powerful. I’m more capable than I knew. She nods her head, in shock and I run out of the greenhouse, blood on my hands and dress.

I rush into the Haven, waving my hands at Lukas. The Vessel’s hymns are loud enough to cover the distraction I am. The room meditates in silence and closed eyes and doesn’t notice me, as light floods the space.

Lukas sees me, as though my presence speaks to him. He rushes down the side aisle towards the back of the sanctuary where I stand.

“Lukas, come quick. It’s my mom and Duty!”

He follows me out of the Haven as I explain. I speak without pause or tears because there isn’t time. He must see the desperation in my voice because he nods in understanding, and together we run towards the greenhouse. We’re out of breath when we get there, but nothing, and no one is in this enormous space. I show him where Duty was lying in the corner, where her blood is still spilled on the ground.

“She said Resolve took my mom, and was coming back for her. I should have had her come with me! We have to get the Council, we need help,” I explain.  “Owwwwww!” I scream, pushing my hands to my head, the headache pushes away my ability to think.

“What is it, Lucy, what’s going on?” Lukas asks, pulling my hand into his.

Although the pain isn’t relieved, the instant he connects with me, our combined energy flares the rainbow light up again. I pull apart, not wanting people to know. Not now, not like this. The hallway’s empty, everyone is inside the Haven, but I don’t want to risk it, besides this moment is about finding Mom and Duty.

“The Council never comes to the Haven, they have meetings during that time. We need to go to their Chamber,” Lukas directs.

We run back down the hall past the Haven, towards the Council Chambers. Not bothering with the door, Lukas barges in.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Humbleman Discernment barks, standing up.

“Humbleman Resolve has done something to two of his mates, we need to find the Vessels,” Lukas yells.

“Calm down, everything’s fine. Resolve’s already notified us of the problems he has been having with his mates. The issue has been dealt with,” Discernment responds. “Now, we’re discussing important Council business, and we don’t have time for your concerns.”

“What is this?” Lukas shakes his head, looking around the room in disgust. Papers are strewn about the table and a giant board hangs across the wall with designs for a new building. “Is this a new wing for the Refuge?” he asks, widening his eyes and pointing to the papers.

“With the announcement of your chosen mate, and her coming from our Refuge, it’s only reasonable that we will be granted more of your source. That’s always been the plan, as a thank you gift from yourself, for our Vessel.”

“That is sick. I refuse to do that!” he shouts. “Things must remain fair, for all the Refuges. Giving one group more is wrong, you could have at least asked before you take more out of me,” he screams at them. “Twenty-four hours ago I thought I was going to die!”

He runs out of the room, and I go after him. He’s so irate; I can’t imagine what he plans to do next. The Councilmen are lying about Mom, Duty was not okay, she was covered in blood. Resolve must be stopped.

“Come on, Lucy, I know where the dark rooms are. Your mom and Duty have to be down here, the Council said they were being ‘dealt’ with. This has to be what they mean.”

I’m relieved that Lukas has a plan; I need him to think for both of us because my pounding head won’t allow me to focus.

Our feet hit hard against the cold marble floor as we wind down hallways ending where I was the night I watched the Humbleman isolate Basil. My heart aches, remembering how I did nothing to help her. This time I must be strong and find Mom.

We look down the corridor, where dozens of doors line both sides.

“I can open the doors with my light,” Lukas says. “Hopefully Duty and your mother will be in one of these, though I have no idea how many are being used as dark rooms.”

“I can help, it’ll go faster.” We have no time to lose.

He smiles as I hold up my hand revealing the light. Lukas’ beaming face registers my ability, remembering he doesn’t need to be the sole source today.  I press my hand against the lock on the door. It works.