Floyd & Mikki (Book 1): Zombie Hunters (Love Should Be Explosive!) (30 page)
Read Floyd & Mikki (Book 1): Zombie Hunters (Love Should Be Explosive!) Online
Authors: Joseph Tatner
Tags: #zombies
The TV on the wall lit up again. This time, there was music and an overly cheerful professional narrator. “Welcome to New California Haven!” it began, as chipper music swelled through the speakers.
“Here at New California Haven, or NCH, you will find everything you need to live a happy, productive life, free from the fear or worries of the outside world. Our military friends protect us from any danger, and they are America’s finest. The best in the world. Your elected civilian government speaks with your voice, writing and enforcing laws according to the will of the people.”
Various images of happy people flashed on the screen, showing daily life as the narrator went on. “You begin your journey here, in the Reception Center. Induction personnel will guide you through the process. Follow their directions exactly, or your application for admission may be denied, and you will be returned to the outside world. They will acquire biometric data such as your fingerprints, retinal scans, and will take a blood sample to test for various diseases. If you require medical treatment, it will be provided to you at one of our first-class NCH facilities. Your Personal Advisor will also note any special skills you may have, and will record any special interests or requests for work that you may wish to make.
“Following your induction, you will be taken to a special housing area for quarantine. Actual time may vary, but you can expect to remain here for one to two weeks while your blood, urine and DNA samples are evaluated. If all is well, you will then be allowed to enter NCH society. You will be assigned housing and provided with meal vouchers, along with a map of dining facilities and hours.
“We begin each morning with the Pledge of Allegiance, followed by a minute of silent reflection. If you wish, you may pray during this time, but we make no effort to establish any official religion. You are free to believe as you wish.
“Then it’s off to work on one of the NCH busses. Friendly drones fly overhead, monitoring all activity, and keeping us all safe. You will be assigned a profession based on your skill set and the needs of the community. As in all things, the needs of the community come first, for it is only by working together that we can survive.”
The video continued singing the praises of New California Haven. It showed a crowd of people eating in a large cafeteria. It showed people waiting in an orderly line to board a bus to work. It showed nice little housing complexes with trimmed lawns and children playing. It showed everyone pledging allegiance to the US flag. It showed people in a recreation center playing chess or cards or basketball. Everyone had the same bland, half-smile on their faces.
“Damn, Floyd. Is it just me, or do all them folks look like…”
Her voice trailed off, but Floyd finished the sentence for her. Barely above a whisper, he said, “Zombies.”
Floyd and Mikki looked at each other, speaking only with their eyes. Mikki put on her helmet as Floyd said, “Thanks for the ride, Colonel, but I think we’ll pass.” He grabbed his helmet off the table and headed for the door marked
Exit
with Mikki.
Colonel Trowbridge was shocked. “What? Wait! You can’t leave!”
Mikki whirled around and said, “Why not?”
“Well, for one thing, that door doesn’t open. For another, we exist to receive people from the outside world, not to send them away! I can’t be responsible for sending you back out there!”
“You’re not responsible and you’re not sending us back out there. We’re leaving. No problem,” Floyd added.
“But…but…no one ever leaves!”
“We are programmed to receive,” Mikki said to Floyd, quoting the song
Hotel California
.
“According to your video,” Floyd countered, “If we fail the induction process, you have to turn us loose.”
“Well, yes, but that never happens.”
“It just did,” Floyd insisted.
“We ain’t givin’ up our guns and we ain’t stayin’ in this Stepford Wives little soap opera world!”
“You saw that movie, too?” Floyd asked Mikki.
“I spent a lotta time watching old movies on Netflix, waitin’ for my old man to sober up.”
“I guess it beats playin’ solitaire.”
“Oh, I played that, too. But yeah, it gets old after a while.”
“So where
is
the exit?” Floyd asked, turning his attention back to the colonel.
“It’s through the perimeter wall. No doubt you saw it from the air as you came in. That door always stays shut.”
“Time to crack her open, then Colonel,” Mikki insisted.
“Or are we your prisoners?” Floyd asked pointedly.
“Oh, no! Of course not!”
“Then let us out, or we’ll start blastin’ our way outta here!” Mikki warned. “Oh sure, you got better armed men than us, and no doubt they’ll take us down before we reach the wall, but Floyd and me faced death together more than once. We’re ready for it. Are you?”
She raised Bonnie at the colonel’s head. The four MPs didn’t know what to do. They started to raise their weapons at Mikki, but stopped and lowered them, remembering the colonel’s orders. They looked at him intently, waiting for some kind of direction.
“Think about it, Colonel,” Mikki continued, “You really want to explain to all them people out there how you killed their favorite TV heroes?”
Floyd had to laugh inside himself. The colonel was clearly a good man. He didn’t get that scar from bowling, either. He had probably seen battles all over the world, from Afghanistan to Iraq to South America. He had singlehandedly led his men to take back a city full of brain-eaters. But nothing in his life had prepared him to handle Mikki. Floyd understood that better than anyone, and felt sorry for him.
“Ya know, Colonel,” Floyd began, speaking in the calmest, nonchalant voice he could muster, “The Indians have a saying, ‘You can put an eagle in a cage, but it can’t fly.’”
The colonel looked at him, then at Mikki, then back at Floyd. He lowered his head and raised his radio to his lips. “This is Colonel Trowbridge. Prepare to open the gate on my order.”
“Gate? What gate?” came the radio voice.
“The main gate. Assemble a platoon to protect the interior and open the gate on my order. Two guests will be leaving.”
There was a long pause before a confused voice said, “Roger, Colonel.”
The colonel led them back out of the building. A number of onlookers who had remained shouted cheers when they saw Floyd and Mikki. The small group passed through the courtyard, though another building, and into a large field. A troop carrier was just arriving, and about 20 armed and armored soldiers poured out of it.
“Secure the area, we are opening the gate,” Colonel Trowbridge ordered. As the platoon assumed their positions, kneeling and aiming at anything that might attempt entry, he barked into the radio. “This is Colonel Trowbridge. Open the gate.”
The sound of large gears turning, powered by heavy machinery, filled the air as the two giant metal doors split open down the middle. The doors clearly resented being awaked from their long slumber, and protested with loud groans. Floyd and Mikki didn’t wait. As soon as the doors began opening they started heading out.
“Wait!” The colonel shouted, running up to them just before they left the perimeter. “Please reconsider! There’s nothing for you out there! Where will you go? What will you do?”
Floyd looked at Mikki, looked back at the colonel, then shrugged his shoulders and said, “We’ll
live
.”
Floyd put on his helmet and the two turned and walked away, leaving the colonel dumfounded, confused and sad. “This is Colonel Trowbridge. Close the main gate.” The doors retreated and closed with a loud thud. As soon as it shut, Mikki drew the biggest F+M heart logo possible on the outside, before turning and walking away.
“What Indians said that about the eagles in cages, Floyd? American Indians or India Indians?”
“None. I made it up. Just sounded like something an Indian would say.”
Mikki laughed. “You really are somethin’, you know that?”
“I reckon.”
No creepers in sight. Floyd and Mikki surveyed their surroundings. An empty city, at least around here. No doubt the military fired on any brain-eaters that wandered into the area. Floyd headed off east and Mikki followed.
“I love you, Floyd,” she said eventually.
After about a minute, Floyd said, “I love you too, Mikki.”
“Floyd?”
“Yeah, Mikki?”
“Call me Michelle.”
As the sun rose slowly in the east, our two heroes walked off hand-in-hand into the morning light, ready to face an uncertain future. Sunrise. A new day. A new beginning.
Dawn of the Living.
Floyd and Mikki Army!
Visit
www.fmzombies.com
and sign up for the Floyd and Mikki Army!
While supplies last, you can receive:
A Floyd and Mikki sticker and embroidered iron-on grenade logo patch, plus an “autographed” picture of Floyd and Mikki (suitable for framing).
Visit the
Free Stuff
page to play the online zombie video game.
I dedicate this book to Michele With One L, whose love and fear of zombies inspired me to write this story. She holds my heart in her hand (ewwww)! The original title was Floyd & Wanda: Zombie Hunters, but she didn’t like the name, “Wanda,” so I changed it to “Mikki.” Then, the story got way out of control.
Frankly, I think zombies are the dumbest and least scary monsters around. So how do you make them scary and funny at the same time? This book is the answer to that question, and it is a helluva lot of fun, if I do say so myself.
I deliberately wrote Floyd and Mikki to be different from the zombie movies I had seen. The funny thing is, I have never read a zombie book in my life (although I leafed through a ZOMPOC survival guide of some sort once), and I had only seen seven zombie movies before I wrote this book. They are, in order:
- The Last Man on Earth
(with the immortal Vincent Price) - Omega Man
(with the immortal Charleston Heston) - ???
(Title Unknown: something really bad on TV about sexy biker babes killing zombies) - Shaun of the Dead
(with pretty funny Simon Pegg) - Resident Evil
(with pretty pretty Ivana Miličević) - World War Z
(with pretty pretty Brad Pitt)
Other than that, I have only seen bits and pieces of Romero’s
Whatever of the Dead
movies on television. If you read carefully, you will spot an occasional Easter egg scattered throughout the book as I pay tribute to those who have gone before.
When I write a book, I deliberately avoid anything anyone else has written or any movie related to the subject matter. I want everything to proceed from my own warped brain. Imagine my shock when I found that I had inadvertently hit many a zombie nerve in this book. It reminds me of the time when I met a cute girl as part of a small group and said, “I don’t care what people look like. I only care if they have a good heart.” She burst into tears and screamed at me what a jerk I was because her grandmother had just died of a heart attack. Whaaaaat? Yes, I felt like crap, but how could I have known that?
When I found
Zombieland
on DVD in a Walmart $5 bargain bin and Michele convinced me to buy it, I was really ticked off to find that I had included certain similar elements in my book. Who knew Twinkies were the official snack of zombie lovers? You probably did, if you love zombie stuff, but I didn’t. They even sell them individually wrapped at
The Zombie Apocalypse Store
in Las Vegas, which I visited to promote my book. Now Twinkies plague me, mocking me from everywhere. Of course, I still eat them (although I prefer/
love
Chocodiles). I confess I have not yet had a deep fried Twinkie (it’s on my To Do list).
A note about the language in this book and the language in this book. Regarding the language: I didn’t want the book to be overly dirty, so I deliberately avoided the F-word. However, there is strong language included because it fits the characters. Like the sexual situations, the use of “blue language” is not gratuitous, and often is just meant to be funny (
No shit, Sherlock
). This should hardly be shocking to today’s adult readers, but may be inappropriate for younger readers.
Regarding the language: although I received a perfect score on the Test of Standard Written English when I took the Scholastic Aptitude Test in high school (way back before the SAT was modified), I didn’t write this book to be a model of perfect grammar. [Note that I used the word “language” twice but with two very different meanings…pretty clever, huh?] So excuse the occasional split infinitive, orphan clause, or sentence ending with a preposition. As Winston Churchill once responded to a lady correcting him for ending a sentence with a preposition:
“This is the sort of bloody nonsense
up with which I will not put.”
Yes, I know all the rules, but when you’re playing poker, sometimes you just need to kick over the table. I don’t play poker (prefer Blackjack), but I do deliberately play with the language in this book and have fun with words. The language, even in narrated sections, is modern and matches the way people think and speak in real life, which often ain’t grammatically correct. This makes it easier for today’s public to read and adds character.
At times, the narration is from the traditional omniscient point of view. At other times, the narration comes from inside the head of either Floyd or Mikki. The language used in these cases should make it obvious where the narration is coming from (from whence the narration is coming).
Note also that nothing in this book is meant to disparage or disrespect anyone, even when mentioned for humorous purposes. All of the people, locales and items mentioned herein are fictionalized in a fictional world, so no one should be in any way insulted. It’s a freaking zombie book, after all!
So don’t overthink it! Just read the book and have fun! Zombies aren’t real (
or are they
?) so you can sleep well at night (
or can you
?)!
Night, night. Sleep tight.
Don’t let the zombies bite!
A true renaissance man, Joseph Tatner holds a BA in Communications and an MA in National Security Studies. He has written numerous published Web and print articles, books, technical documents and promotional materials, and holds credentials as a Master Federal Career Coach, Master Federal Resume Writer and Master Military Transition Resume Writer. He wrote the book
Autism: A New Hope
with Dr. Cheri L. Florence and edited the definitive compendium on America,
Opus Americana
. Joseph has written countless documents for companies such as Shell Oil, Southern California Edison, Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Nevada Energy, and Las Vegas Sands Corp.
After writing so many technical manuals over the years, Joseph nearly turned into a zombie himself, so he has a unique insight into the mindless void of a soulless drone. Yet like his father before him, Jack Tatner (who was a famous musician in the 1940s), Joe has kept his offbeat sense of humor. He has a unique talent for taking an otherwise normal situation and turning it on its head, then twisting it again with delightful, thought-provoking results. This is not just a brainless zombie novel.
Floyd and Mikki: Zombie Hunters
is an unpredictable adventure that keeps you guessing and waiting on the edge of your seat to see what comes next. Joe is a modern day Gilbert and Sullivan, examining humanity, society and personal relationships in a topsy-turvy apocalyptic world.
Joseph Tatner began his life as a genuine Forrest Gump (with a substantially higher IQ). His legs were deformed, requiring leg braces and orthopedic shoes for the first two years of his life. The doctor suggested he get into dancing to strengthen his legs, but he suffered from severe childhood asthma. At age 8, he finally began tap, jazz and ballet dancing and at age 9 made his television debut tap dancing in an early episode of The Partridge Family. This led to a long career in television, stage, film and radio as a true triple threat: singer/dancer/actor. Joe lost his voice temporarily to a freakish growth on one vocal cord that required surgery. It was nearly ten years before he could sing again, but he studied opera in Milan, Italy and can be seen occasionally singing and dancing on stage or in a walk-on role in the movies.
Joseph heard another calling early in his life and entered the seminary to become a priest, even studying for a year in Rome before returning to the United States, where a car accident injured his back. After a year of therapy and mounting bills, he started an entertainment business, producing shows and eventually performing again. Then he joined the United States Air Force and was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant. The day he arrived at his base, however, all the KC-135 tanker aircraft he was supposed to maintain were sent to the reserve unit on base, meaning the planes stayed there but he officially had no position. A year later, he resigned honorably from the Air Force after his two requests to volunteer for service in Iraq were denied.
While in the Air Force, Joseph bought his first AT&T computer. Playing the latest games required the ability to install new memory, hard drives, video cards, etc. Before long, he became a recognized Geek and was soon writing technical documents or managing complex IT projects throughout the US and overseas. He currently works from home as a freelance writer, taking care of his 11-year-old daughter.
Despite numerous challenges and setbacks, Joseph is living proof that you can't keep a good man down. This spirit of never giving up and determination to conquer all odds is pervasive throughout Floyd and Mikki.
Of course, my first thanks goes to “Michele With One L.” What started out as a bad joke has led to this book (the first in a trilogy), the forthcoming The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Handbook: How to Live with the Undead that is mentioned in the book (complete with Mikki’s notes and comments written throughout), and a fourth novel that will spoof the entire series once the trilogy is finished. Not to mention all the shameless money-grabbing merchandise and promotional materials.