Folie à Deux (25 page)

I know that this is the perfect cover for Talia to be out of the house and take up the majority of a day. Chris turns to Talia and
asks, “How does that sound? Do you think you’d like to learn to Mountain Bike?”

Natalia’s response is an unconvincing nod that falls far short of the effort I have just put into our story. I wish that she would act slightly more enthused at the solidarity I have created. In any case, the topic is concluded with her underwhelming agreement and Chris punctuates it with a definitive, “Ok, good then.”

Chris then asks Natalia to leave the office so that the adults can talk, of all the people in the room, I relate best to the teenager. I feel the urge to leave too knowing the adults are going to ask the tough questions now. But this is my time to shine. This is the area in which I have honed my true expertise and I feel a flash of excitement at the test that lies before me.

Chris begins by sitting up straight and telling me directly, “If you weighed three hundred pounds and were bald and ugly, I wouldn’t have to say what I am about to. But since you are such an attractive young man it must be made very certain that we take all necessary precautions to make sure that Natalia does not grow to have a crush on you. Talia tells me that you are the topic of conversation amongst many girls at your school, and I can see why.”

I feel like I’m blushing, having no idea how to respond to her shrouded and potentially ensnaring compliments.

“More importantly,” she quickly reiterates, “It must be clear that you cannot be another male in her life who lets her down. If you do, it will be a devastation that she may never recover from.”

I don’t know why she does not strike a chord that I have already violated this request. Somehow, instead of seeing a thwarting of my responsibility, I vow to not disappoint her. I convince myself that if I remain in her life in this exact capacity I will be realizing that promise.

Chris suggests we set ground rules that protect against any situation that could possibly compromise Natalia’s fragile emotions. The primary provision is that I am never alone with Talia. This includes in her house and in my car. Chris tells me that she has, “Omitted any school related restrictions because there is already a policy in place for how a teacher should act with a student, I’m sure.” She assumes that my familiarity with those policies covers me in such situations.

I’ve already violated this stipulation with her mother’s consent so the silence surprises me. Chris turns to Kathy and asks her if there is anything that she would like to add. Kathy squirms uncomfortably in her seat and shifts her gaze between the floor, me and something on the desk over my left shoulder. She launches into how great of a guy I am before, “Deep down I know that you have been a great influence on Talia. Her grades have improved and she is just happier around the house.” Her preamble seems slightly overdone but calculated to be so. As she continues, she cannot sit still in her chair and I know that something unpalatable is about to be said. And here it is, “It’s just that every time you come to pick her up, I feel like I’m letting my daughter go on a date. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes.”

Is she just saying this to sound good in front of the therapist or does she really mean it? She comes across so sincerely yet is a contradiction from what I’m greeted with in her foyer. Before the sentence ends and before anyone else can respond, she tries to clarify, “Jim, I know full well that there is absolutely nothing going on between you two. I also know that you truly look out for her best interest but it’s hard sometimes to tell myself that everything is ok.” I can’t help but feel deceived and pointlessly irritated at her uneducated choice of words.

I prepare to reply and falsely put her mind at ease but Chris interjects, “So Jim has already been alone with Natalia? Where has he driven her?” She asks the question looking at me but thankfully shifts her gaze toward Kathy once finished speaking.

I feel a wave of panic climb up my body but before Chris can see me fidget in my loud leather chair Kathy squirms again, “Well yes, he has taken her to a bike race and once brought her home from school because I asked him.”

Without replying to Kathy, Chris looks at me, “Do you know what the board of education policy is where you work?” Her tone direct, almost angry. I tell her the truth, only because it benefits me. The policy is that a student can be driven by a teacher if the parent has given permission. I looked no further into the policy as to whether it must be written or can be verbal or how far in advance is necessary.

Chris looks flustered for the first time and asks Kathy, “Why didn’t you offer this information earlier in light of the rules we were putting in place?”

Confusion grips Kathy’s face when she explains, “I didn’t think it was a big deal but I agree now that it might not be a good idea.” I feel bad as I watch her vacillate on this critical point knowing that she feels embarrassed for her cavalier attitude after being scolded. Her stern façade is transparent but I refrain from saying anything.

I can feel the shift of the entire atmosphere in the office after Chris finds out she was so far out of the loop. The session was well choreographed until Chris and Kathy divide on this point. They were representing a united front to prevent Natalia from being exploited that has crumbled.

“Is there anything else that I should know before we conclude?” Chris asks with a pitch to her voice that clearly sounds
perturbed. She seems to feel not only like an outsider but as though she realizes her stance was the anomaly. After we agree on the reiterated terms of our direction Chris asks me to leave the room so she can just have a few final words with Kathy. I am confident and relieved to be finished.

When I walk into the waiting room Natalia is staring intently at her phone. She looks up at me and what I read on her face is a sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel ill to have this harmful bond but at the same time it provides a sense of relief. Perhaps this will alleviate some of our necessary concealment. I wish that my distorted differentiation between privacy and secrecy was not such a prevalent aspect of my personality. This is the place where duplicity should be seen as not only harmful to me but also to Natalia.

Right now she theoretically has a perfectly suitable association with secrecy. All of her confidences are age appropriate. Maybe she smoked a cigarette or took a drink from the liquor cabinet but those are the types of things that a girl her age should be managing. Kissing your French teacher is too surreptitious. I see her being a kid on her phone and I want something different for her than forced silence. I want it but am powerless to preclude her from it.

I have just enough time to make small talk about what she is doing the rest of the weekend when Kathy and Chris exit the office. “It was nice to meet you and thank you for including me in this,” I say to Chris before I file out behind Kathy and her daughter.

Once outside, “That was tough Jim. Come on I’ll buy you a cup of coffee,” Kathy says as she nods her head toward a coffee shop next door. We exchange a few more pleasantries as we walk inside. Standing in line waiting for my coffee, Kathy turns to say,
“You know, that thing about not driving her places, I’m not worried about that. I just said it to agree.”

As she speaks she places her hand on my shoulder in a gesture that seems to create another unsolicited bond. Her touch says she knows we’re breaking the rules but doing it together makes it permissible. As I am processing I realize that her hand lingers just a bit longer on my shoulder than is comfortable. Perhaps the meaning of this meeting is altogether different from what I originally thought.

I’m snapped out of my daze by, “Sir, your coffee. Large, regular.” I open the tab and take a sip burning my tongue slightly, a welcome sensation after choosing to be numb through the last hour.

After we see the therapist the advice and parameters set down are completely disregarded, providing a heightened sense of protection. A feeling that Kathy is even more lackadaisical than we previously thought permeates our resulting plans. Natalia and I spend several hours on the phone debriefing what took place in the office. I tell her what happened when she left the room and she tells me what her mother said on the way home. I don’t find it odd that she tells me her mother wouldn’t stop talking about how attractive I am and what she would do with me if I weren’t married because it’s clear that she is just another female who my sexuality has infected.

One day, midmorning, at my summer job, running a boy’s day camp, a text reads, “I think we should smoke pot together.” Much like all other suggestions that push the limits I feel the same exhilaration. The potential to keep another secret from the world that only the two of us know attracts me magnetically.

I respond easily, half the plan already formulated before I hit send. I have smoked pot only a few times since I returned from France after having lived there in college, taking a few weekend trips to Amsterdam. The fear of being caught has prevented me from experimenting more but here is an opportunity I wish not to forsake. I revel in her faith and love the control I’ll have when this comes to fruition.

None of the necessary lies seem a deterrent as I strategize. I fish for answers to find her comfort level and what I should expect from this day. She doesn’t hesitate when I offer, “How about we go back to my house,” as an option for where we can smoke, knowing I will call out of work.

Dana works at the same camp and our kids go there with us so I have several bases covered all with one excuse. She is shocked when I wake up the chosen morning and tell her, “I think I’m going to call Sr. Karen and stay home today,” because I never skip work during the summer.

With unforeseen difficulty, I shake off the guilt at having all four members of my family kiss me goodbye and say, “I love you Dad, hope you feel better.”

As soon as they leave I clean the house, trying to hide the abundant evidence of three young children. I set out the clothes I’m going to wear when Talia arrives, a gray sleeveless T-Shirt with baggy blue jeans exactly as she has said she loves. As I prepare to pick her up I account for many different pitfalls but the unforeseeable ones scare me most. I try hard to gauge Dana’s demeanor in the hour before she leaves for work and nothing indicates that she is suspicious. I make my final commitment to act.

Since Talia lives close to camp I ensure that there are no surprise visits. With a stop in the camp parking lot, I loosen one of the terminals on Dana’s car battery so that when she tries to start it she will have to call me. I’ll know if she intends on leaving earlier than when I’m expecting her and better yet, may have to come rescue her. Either way I have guaranteed a warning call. The mindless and depraved decisions I make are difficult for me to comprehend in reference to the person I have been my whole life. But for now, with my goal clearly poised, I am focused intently.

I pick up Natalia and we go straight home. My house is situated three quarters of a mile down a dead end road in a small lake community. Dana is friendly with most of the women on my block, the fear that one of them may ask her who I was driving with is almost enough to make me cancel the entire tryst. I contemplate asking Natalia to duck down in the car or dropping her off on an adjacent road but cannot degrade her that way. I drive down the road as quickly as possible without seeming erratic and luckily no one sees us.

As soon as we’re safely in my house I tell her, “I have to shower because I’m all sweaty from work this morning.” I’m back out in three minutes after dressing to her specifications. When she sees me walk around the corner she swoons as though out of breath. She walks to me, throws her arms around my shoulders and steps into a hug with her whole body. We stand, locked in a long embrace eventually leading to an even longer kiss.

As it tapers I ask, “What do you want to do now?” needing her to verify my control.

“What are the choices?” she asks.

I pause, trying to focus on too many factors, “Well, we can go play miniature golf, watch a movie, take a walk, we can smoke of course and....Well that’s about it, I guess.”

“Let’s smoke,” she says without hesitation.

After we walk out to my small, enclosed sun-porch I show her how to use the bowl by taking an imaginary hit. She watches with a grin but tells me that she still doesn’t understand and needs my help. I chose the porch so that the smell of pot won’t be overpowering when my family arrives home. We sit so closely on the small bench right outside the front door that our arms touch.

I pack the piece all the while explaining the important of separating stems from leaves. Her silence tells me she doesn’t care what I’m saying but I talk to alleviate our nervous energy. I take the first hit and immediately feel the rush of euphoria, enjoying it for just a moment before paranoia overcomes me. She is on my right and I have my arm around her with the cigarette lighter ready to ignite.

I ask in a calm voice, “Are you ready?”

She replies nervously, “Uh – huh.”

As I flick the lighter I tell her to inhale. She takes a hit, holds it and coughs. It takes her longer than I would like to calm down,
she hacks long enough for me to panic when it seems she may not stop. I wonder anxiously what I would do if I had to take her to the hospital or call 911. This only accelerates my heart rate and consequently my panic. Finally, she collects herself and sits back to relax.