For Now (Broken Promises #1) (8 page)

Alexis

Today I watched my best friend go through his first round of chemotherapy.

Today I gained a strength and courage I never thought I could have.

Today I fell more in love with Lane Sheridan. I fell more in love with a man who’s dying.

Watching him go through that was heartbreaking. When I walked into the room I felt like I was going to break down in tears before stepping any closer to him. Seeing him, so beautiful and pristine, sitting in the chair hooked up to the machine that was pumping toxins into his body. It was all a little surreal. Like I was walking into another dimension. I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want to blink and have everything still there. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that was watching my best friend… my boyfriend… start to battle cancer.

Cancer.

Cancer, in one way or another, affects every American in their lifetime. Unfortunately for me, I happen to be in love with the one person in my life that has to have the wretched disease. Life isn’t fucking fair. I used to daydream about being with Lane when we’re older, raising a family together… I used to daydream about a future with him and now I can’t wrap my head around the thought of him being with me a year from now. I’ve always had that problem. I’ve always thought of the negative before the positive. I dwell on it. My friends all know it, hell I know it, but I can’t help it. It’s a trait that I can’t shake even when I’m trying. Like right now. Watching him wince in pain in the passenger seat of my car, all I can dwell on is the fact that I can’t help him and I’m losing him slowly, rather than be happy that he made it through his first day and is still walking strong. Sure, I’m putting on a good front for him, but inside it’s killing me.

I’m losing him
.

Being in the cancer center today was heart breaking. Every single walk of life came in through those doors today. Parents, grandparents, children… people of all ages, shapes, sizes, ethnicity… proving to me that cancer doesn’t discriminate. Not one bit, and it’s not ok. It’s not ok for one disease to be able to completely ruin someone’s life like this. And it’s not just ruining one person’s life, it ruins everyone’s life that’s affected by it. I’d never in a million years tell Lane my worries with his struggle, but to be honest I’m worried. If he doesn’t work, I don’t work. If he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid which means I don’t get paid. I’m not about to take money from him when I’m not working for him. If I don’t get paid I can’t afford my apartment, then everything goes downhill from there. If I can’t afford my apartment I would have to move back in with my parents, and that can’t happen. I need to be here for Lane. I need to.

By the time we get inside the house, Lane’s about ready to pass out he’s so tired. I’m not used to him being this lethargic, but today he did go through a lot. I did a little research on cancer once I found out but I don’t remember reading how long it’s supposed to take for the side effects to start setting in. Is it going to be right now? Tonight? Or will it wait until after his next treatment to really start to kick his ass? No matter the answer, I’m going to be here for him. I have to. I need to be… if not for him… for me.

“Hey,” he says, laying down in bed. “Come lay down with me,” he whispers, closing his eyes and patting the bed next to him.

As much as I’d love to lay down next to him, he needs food and I haven’t grocery shopped for him in a while. I know the minute I lay down in that bed I’ll be done for and that’s not going to help him get food. He needs to eat.

“I’ll be back, babe. Then I’ll snuggle you for the rest of the day,” I whisper, leaning in and kissing his head gently. “I love you, Lane Sheridan.”

“I love you too, Al.”

I feel the tears start to well in my throat and before I start to cry in front of him I book it out of his apartment. Quietly closing the door behind me, I turn and rest against it as the tears start to fall.

A person can only be strong for so long before they break. I’m strong in front of Lane. I’ll try my hardest to always be strong in front of him. It’s a vow I made today watching him sit there in that chair and not complain one time about the poison they were pumping into him. No groans or whines, no grunts or sighs. He was strong, so I have to be too.

By now the tears are flowing freely and sobs wracking my body. How did things turn for the worst so fucking fast? We were supposed to be on a plane to Milan today for a shoot with Vogue. He was going to be their new face, he just didn’t know it yet. I was going to surprise him with the news on the airplane and watch him try to not freak out in front of everyone. It was going to be hilarious… but now I’m sobbing like a child in his hallway while he sleeps off the treatment he got today to kill the cancer.

It’s funny how things can change at the drop of a hat.

“Hey,” Braydon’s voice is soft and worried. Opening my eyes, he’s standing at the bottom of the stairs, coming down from his apartment with a girl who, even in her walk of shame status, puts me to shame.

Perfect.

“Oh, hi. Sorry.” I sniffle, wiping my face and trying to compose myself. Bray and I are close but I’ve never cried around him. He’s only seen the tough as shit Alexis that helped get Lane’s career off to the right start. He’s never seen this one.

“Everything ok?” He asks, rushing over to me once my eyes hit his. I said we weren’t as close as me and Lane, but I never said he wasn’t a good friend. He knows when something’s wrong, and something’s obviously very wrong.

“Yes. Fine.” I huff, remembering the bitch standing behind him. He spent the day fucking a Barbie wanna be, instead of being with his best friend.

What. The. Fuck.

“You know what, everything’s fine Braydon.”  Glaring at him, I narrow my eyes and flick my gaze to the girl then back to him. “Obviously you have shit to take care of that’s more important.”

“Fuck, Al… Just… let me… Don’t go anywhere.” His hands come to my arms and he finds my gaze with his beautiful blue eyes. “I’ll be right back. Promise.”

“I thought you were getting me dinner!” The woman whines.

“I’m taking you downstairs and putting you in a cab, Trixie… Here’s a twenty for food.” He grunts as he passes her and takes her hand, leaving me standing in the hallway pissed and angry that he missed today to fuck some whore. A whore named Trixie. I shouldn’t be pissed. Lane had me, and he seemed totally content with that, not mentioning Braydon’s name once, but I didn’t have anyone! It would have been nice to have another support member there with me. It’s been the three of us for so long but these last few days it’s felt like Braydon’s been pulling away from us. I’m not sure what’s going through his mind, but Lane’s like a brother to him. He’d never do anything to hurt him and has always been there for him in the past.

When Braydon makes it back inside, he rushes to me and immediately wraps me in his arms, whispering apologies into my hair. Tightly, he holds on to me as I fall apart again. That’s all it takes. The look in his eyes just now when he walked back inside tells me everything isn’t as it seems. It was a look of fear. A look of sadness. He’s hurting, too… he’s just choosing other means to make him feel better.

“Shh,” he murmurs, shaking his head gently as I cry into his chest. “Jesus, Al. I didn’t think you were able to cry like this.” He chuckles when I back up and slug him in the arm. “What?! You’re our tough Alexis… tough as nails. Who is this girl?” His grin is playful but I see the worry in his eyes.

“This girl is a girl who just sat with her best friend-”

“Boyfriend.” He cuts in like it bothers him but I ignore it.

“I just watched Lane sit through hours of chemo, Braydon. I watched them poison him to kill the disease inside him. I watched him struggle to stay awake the entire time. I watched him wince as they took the IV out. I’ve watched him be so fucking strong while I sat there and stared in awe. And then we walked into the hallway, and I saw the reality of cancer… all the patients… all the loss of life… and it hit me.” I take a breath, trying to calm the tears. “Things are never.. ever… going to be the same again.” I look him in the eyes, seeing the pain in them, and shake my head. “We have to be a strong, united front for him, Bray.” I glance at the elevator, then back at him. “He needs us.”

“Yea. I know,” he huffs. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there today.” He shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I just… Shit, Al. I remember my mom going through this, and it’s not a good memory. I guess I just needed mind numbing.”

“Well it looks like you got that with Trixie.” I roll my eyes at his teenage boy behavior and he grunts.

“I should have been there. The minute I saw you in the hallway I knew I made a terrible choice. I should have been there with you today.”

“Should have… but you weren’t.” I shake my head and take a breath. “Listen… it’s over. I have to go out and grab food while he’s sleeping. You eat yet?”

“Nah. I’m good. Wanna let me in… I’ll stay here while you’re gone in case he needs anything.”

“Yea, sure. I’ll be right back.”

So I leave. I take a moment to collect myself, then I go out into the world that’s so cruel and unforgiving.

By the time I make it back it’s already dark outside and I walk into a dark apartment. Clicking the door shut, I set our dinner on the table and listen. The TV is on in the living room, so I walk in to see Braydon passed out on the sofa, beer still in hand. Laughing to myself, I grab the beer so it doesn’t fall, and in the process wake him up.

“Hey, sorry,” I whisper. “He’d kill you if you spilled this, though.” Setting the beer on the table, I glance to the hallway where I hear Lane’s footsteps coming down the hall.

“Hey,” his groggy voice makes Braydon stand and turn to see his friend coming down the dark hallway. Shit, I know he just started treatment today but he already looks different. Maybe that’s all in my head, though. Maybe I’m just projecting my feelings on him and that’s not going to fly. We can’t be weak in this.

“What’s going on?” He asks, watching Braydon and then flicking his gaze to me. If I didn’t know any better I would think that was a look of jealousy on his face, but I know Lane’s not like that. He’s never been like that with the three of us. I can hang out with either or both of them and neither cares.

“I brought back dinner. You need to eat, babe.” Walking to him, I wrap my arms around him and he groans and holds on to me, taking a deep breath at his face goes to my neck.

“I wanted you back in bed with me,” he whispers. “I missed you.”

“I needed to get us food. You need to eat and there’s nothing here. Come on while it’s hot.” I take his hand and walk into the kitchen with Braydon trailing behind us. I’ve never thought anything about it being the three of us, but the way that Braydon’s eyes flicked to mine and Lane’s joined hands had me thinking that maybe this is more awkward for him that I thought.

The night is spent just like any other night with the three of us. From banter to laughter to current LA gossip, the ‘c’ word isn’t brought up one time. By nine I’m a yawning mess, Braydon looks about ready to pass out, and Lane looks like he’s already sleeping. I know Bray wasn’t with us today, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t thinking about it. He’s always had his own way of coping with things. His mind was definitely on Lane and the chemo treatment, but he just deals with things differently. The look on his face earlier told me he’s not going to make that mistake again.

“I’m heading up, you two love birds,” Bray announces, standing from him chair. “Call or text… or break my door down… if you two need anything.” He looks at Lane, then gives me a look that tells me that he expects me to contact him if I need anything, then leaves us to ourselves.

“I think I’m going to head to bed too, Al,” Lane mumbles, standing up. “Thanks for today. I loved that you were there with me… wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. You made the impossible seem possible.”

“I wouldn’t have had it any other way, Lane. I love you. I’m here for you. Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Oh,” he says, stopping in his tracks. “Um… you don’t have to… I mean… I’ll be ok.”

What? He’s kicking me out?  I can’t leave him alone tonight, what happens if he gets sick? Who’s going to be here to take care of him. Hell to the no, he’s not making me leave.

“I’m staying with you tonight, Lane.” I say as nicely as I can. I know he doesn’t like to show weakness… apparently none of us do… but he needs to know that he’s going to need help if something were to happen.