Read For Our Son: A BWWM Parenting Romance For Adults Online
Authors: Nia Anderson
"Really?" Mrs. Thompson was skeptical. She knew Grace had a
tendency to block out information she didn’t want to face.
"Really, Mom. I’ve been really busy. I’ll go read it now." Grace
waited. Her mother didn’t say anything but sat quietly on the other end of the
phone line. "I’ll call you back if it’s important."
"Call me back anyway,” her mother insisted.
"Okay." Grace hung up before her mother could ask her to recite
the letter to her over the phone.
Though she had no
idea what was in that envelope, she wanted to face it alone.
Ryan sat alone in the parking lot of the adoption agency. Sophia had
wanted to accompany him but he had made up a reason why she couldn’t come.
Something about confidentiality. It even sounded good to him. Now that he was
alone with his thoughts, he allowed the real reason for lying to Sophia to
present itself: Grace.
Grace represented a part of Ryan’s life that he wanted to keep separate
from everything else. Without Grace, Ryan could be anyone he wanted to be. He
could paint any picture of his past and it would view perfectly. But not with Grace.
In one person lay all his past successes and failures.
Nowadays, Ryan was living in the present and focusing on his future. And
in no uncertain terms did he want the past to meet the present – meaning Sophia
and Grace. Ryan wasn’t even sure that he was ready to intersect with Grace
after all this time.
Ryan fidgeted with his car keys, passing time until he could get up the
nerve to walk into the adoption center. He wished he knew what this was all
about beforehand so that he could prepare himself. He glanced down at his watch
and saw that he was late. He jumped out of the car and ran into the agency.
As soon as Ryan identified himself, the staff behind the counter seemed
to know exactly who he was.
"If you have a seat, the counselor will be right with you."
The administrator smiled.
Ryan looked around the lobby. He breathed a sigh of relief to see that Grace
wasn’t there. However, then his mind filled with a whole other set of questions.
Why would I be contacted and not her? It’s an open adoption so why aren’t
the adoptive parents contacting me directly? Is it possible…that I'm not the
father after all? Is that what they’re calling me here to tell me?
"Ryan Stewart?"
Ryan snapped to attention when he heard his name. He stood up
immediately to make his presence known.
The counselor waited until she and Ryan were behind closed doors before
she spoke to him again. Ryan half expected to see Grace already sitting in the
small room. She was not.
"Have a seat." The counselor offered. The name on the desk
plate read Yvette Jones.
Ryan sat down. He wrung his hands in his lap as he waited to find out
what was going on. Ms. Jones noticed.
"Are you nervous? Don’t be,” she reassured him.
"Can I ask why I’m here?" Ryan finally blurted out.
Ms. Jones opened a file on her desk and looked through it before she
began speaking. "The family that adopted your son eight years ago has
contacted us for help with a medical matter." Yvette let that information
sink in before continuing. "Matthew has leukemia. He needs a bone marrow
transplant and his parents are hoping that you are a possible donor."
Matthew.
Ryan rarely, if ever, used the name the adoptive
parents had given his son.
Leukemia.
"They want me to donate bone marrow?" Ryan was trying to wrap
his head around it all.
"Well first they want to see if you’re a possible donor, to see if
you’re a match. Matthew’s adoptive parent’s aren’t a match so we were hoping
his biological parents would be."
At the mention of biological parents, Ryan’s mind revisited Grace.
"Well, if Grace is a match, do I still need to be a donor?" Ryan
asked. His question, masked to sound as if he didn’t want to participate, was
really a smokescreen to find out if Grace had been contacted.
"Well…no, but the family would like both you and Grace to see if
you are possible matches as soon as possible. It would take a bit longer if you
waited to see if she was a match before getting tested." Yvette’s tone of
voice hardened at the thought of Ryan not wanting to help out.
"Oh, I’m not saying I won’t do it. I was just wondering. I noticed Grace
wasn’t here, so I thought maybe that was the way we were doing it,” Ryan added.
"She was here earlier. We thought it would be better if we spoke
with you each separately."
"Yeah, that makes sense." Ryan nodded as if he’d thought of it
himself. "Well, yeah, just let me know what I need to do and I’ll do
whatever I can."
"Well, first we need to get your contact information. Thankfully
your mother still lived at the same address or we would have had a hard time
finding you." Yvette slid a paper over to him to fill out.
No longer anxious
that he was going to run into Grace, Ryan concentrated on the numerous papers
and pamphlets on bone marrow transfers. His mind was whirling as he grappled at
how he was supposed to feel. Should he be sad? Remorseful? He was so inundated
and overwhelmed that he almost didn’t see her.
Almost, that is.
It was weird to see someone that you’d been thinking about non-stop for
the past twenty-four hours. Yet, when Grace did see Ryan walk out of the
agency, weird was the only word to adequately describe what she was feeling.
She recognized him right away even though he’d cut his hair much shorter
than it was the last time she’d seen him. He also still wore his shirts in
layers, a look he became known for during their high school years. And he was
still pretty thin.
Grace inhaled as she watched him walk towards his vehicle – a dark red truck
that she had never seen before. She was so occupied with what he was doing that
she didn’t pay attention to what
she
was doing. Absent-mindedly, she
turned her key in her car’s ignition. That wouldn’t have been such an issue
except her car was already running. As a result, the car sounded loudly and
obnoxiously in protest at her action.
It was loud enough for Ryan to turn and look her way, anyway. Grace kept
her eyes on her lap and waited the appropriate amount of time before she looked
up to see if Ryan had seen or recognized her. Not able to contain the curiosity
any longer, Grace turned and looked to see if he’d seen her. Sure enough, he
had.
At first the pair simply stared at one another. Grace wasn’t sure he was
aware of what he was actually looking at until he raised his hand in a still wave.
She returned the gesture. There was a brief moment of inactivity before Ryan
began walking towards Grace’s car. Grace finally exhaled as she got out to meet
him.
"Hi," he spoke first.
"Hi,” she answered quietly.
All too soon, they were reminded of why they were actually meeting, as Grace’s
eyes focused on the brochures in Ryan’s hands.
"Did they give you that inside?" she questioned.
"Yeah. You didn’t get any of this?" he asked.
Grace shook her head. "It’s awful, isn’t it?"
Ryan shrugged. "I don’t even understand it, to tell you the truth.
I can’t wrap my head around what they’re trying to tell me and I can’t even
bear to ask questions."
"Me either." Grace agreed. "I’m afraid of the answers."
"So, are you going to be a donor?"
"Yes, yes, of course. Aren’t you?"
"I told them I’d do whatever I could. I’m not looking forward to
the pain though."
"It seems like such a small price to pay for…the baby’s
future."
As soon as she said it, she felt awkward.
The baby
wasn’t a baby
anymore. Funny how she was stuck at that moment in time…the moment when she
handed her baby over to the adoption representative.
Ryan didn’t add any commentary to Grace’s last thought. He watched her
quietly for a moment. Grace looked everywhere but in his eyes. Suddenly she
wanted nothing more than to get in her car and disappear.
"So how’ve you been?" Ryan filled the empty silence.
"Oh, fine. Busy with school and all." Grace responded.
"You?"
"Nothing much. Just working."
"That’s great." Grace didn’t bother to ask what Ryan did for a
living. She didn’t want to appear nosy or too anxious to keep the conversation
going. "Well good luck with …everything."
Ryan looked perplexed as Grace began to get back inside her vehicle. Grace
could see that he wanted to continue talking, but she didn’t have much more to
say. The seriousness of the situation under which they were meeting was
beginning to take its toll on her, yet here they were making small talk about
jobs and school. Grace would have preferred they say nothing at all.
"So, will I know if you’re a match to be a donor?" Ryan asked Grace
as she slipped back into her car.
She left the door open as she contemplated her answer. Finally she
blurted, "We’re not going to match."
"What?" Ryan wondered if he’d heard he right. "Then why
are they testing us?"
Grace almost started her response with,
If it were my child…
But
it was her child. Though she wasn’t raising him, she did give birth to him.
"They want to try every possibility, even if the odds are a million
to one." She sighed.
"A million to one? We’re his parents. How can we not be a
match?"
"Because he has half of my DNA and half of yours. In order for
either of us to be possible donors, you and I have to have similar genes. What
are the odds of that happening?"
"How do you know this?"
"They told me." Grace nodded towards the adoption agency.
"Didn’t they tell you?"
"Nothing of the sort." Ryan looked disappointed. "So what
are we going to do?"
"Just have the test, I guess."
"I know that, but if we can’t be donors…then what?"
Grace shrugged and shook her head. She felt her throat begin to tighten
and her eyes tingled. She knew she was about to cry and she didn’t want to do
it in front of Ryan. She didn’t want to cry at all, but she had a feeling she
wouldn’t have much control over it.
"I’d better get going. Good luck and take care." Grace put on
her seatbelt and shut the door before Ryan could make another attempt at
continuing the conversation.
When she saw his shadow disappear from outside her car door window, Grace
let the tears flow. She expected a soft trickle of tears, but her body would
not relent until she surrendered to the gut wrenching sobs that insisted upon
coming out. Over and over in her head played the one question she had been too
afraid to ask:
Is this my fault? Did I cause this somehow?
Grace was sure that
on some level it
was
her fault, and for this reason she rested her head
on her steering wheel and allowed her sorrow to overcome her.
Ryan was taken aback at Grace’s sudden abruptness. For a minute he
thought she was joking, but why would she joke at a time like this? Grace
always did deal with pain and grief in an odd way. He had just forgotten.