“Stop it, Leah,” she cursed herself, angry with her doubts. If Alex knew of her lack of faith in him he would definitely return to using drugs, and she would have no one to blame but herself for not supporting him when he needed it. She tried so hard to mask her feelings and be supportive of him knowing the truth of her doubts would devastate him. They devastated her.
She started to sway as another bout of nausea struck her. Two days in a row she woke up feeling like she should stay in bed forever. Her head pounded and her heart ached just as much. Guilt. That was her illness, she knew, and if she wasn’t careful, she would end up with a nasty ulcer. She was keeping all these negative emotions inside and they were eating away at her like a toxin in her system. She needed to talk to someone. Someone with whom she could share her doubts and unburden herself from this guilt weighing her down. The problem was that the one person she wanted to confide in would be the one person she absolutely could not tell this to, for Alex would never understand.
Times like this she wished she had worked harder to make friends and to maintain relationships, but with Alex’s disease, it was easier to push people away then to let them see the truth of his addiction. This was a battle they fought alone. No outsiders to witness the decay of their lives. Another consequence of drug addiction. It was a lonely, isolating sickness and not just for the one who was the addict, but for the ones who loved the addict.
The only real friendship Leah had managed to maintain was her bond with Claire. Claire was the one person she could trust besides Alex.
She hadn’t talked to her much lately. The last time was the day after Alex had returned from rehab. Claire had not been an easy person to reach this summer. She had decided to put off work for a while and spend her parents’ money touring Europe. Leah had wished she could join her carefree friend on this adventure, but her life was not about spontaneity and freedom. There was work and other obligations she could not turn away from, even though the lure of freedom was a taunting temptation.
Part of her always wondered what it would be like to be Claire for a day. It might be fun briefly, but Leah knew Claire’s impulsiveness would drive her nuts. She couldn’t last a day in that whirlwind of chaos. She needed order and structure.
That was why Alex’s addiction was such a cancer to her life. It turned her orderly world into havoc, leaving her powerless and lost. After these past weeks of stability, she couldn’t imagine a return to mayhem. Alex had to beat this and stay clean for both of them.
Her mind was a swirl of thoughts and fears. She needed a release. She reached for her cellphone and dialed Claire. It was early, but this was the best time. Alex had left an hour ago to go running. Exercise had become his new addiction. Although Leah initially doubted he was working out each morning, the results could not be denied. He was growing stronger and more fit each week. He was starting to look like the remarkably gorgeous Alex she’d ogled as a teenager.
So many others vied for Alex’s attention back in high school. He was the best looking guy in school and, with his bad-boy streak, every girl in their class wanted a chance to be with him, but he rejected them all. For some reason Leah would never understand, his eyes, the color of the bluest sea, only ever looked for her.
“Leah, someone better has died for you to call me this early in the morning,” a grumpy Claire complained as she answered the phone.
“That’s a horrible thing to say. Besides, it’s not that early.”
“It’s 8:22 on a Saturday morning. I went to bed two hours ago.”
“Well, whose fault is that?” Leah questioned. “Most normal people go to bed before the next day begins.”
“It’s not my fault. Blame belongs to the six-foot-tall med student I met at a club last night who decided to give me a full body exam. Let’s just say I think we both passed that test. If only I could take it again and again.”
“You’re such a pig!” Leah squealed. “You just met the guy.”
“I got to know him really well last night,” Claire teased. “It only takes a few beers to learn everything you need to know about a potential one-night stand. You are such a prude, which is amazing considering you lost your virginity several years before I gave it up. Technically you are the slut in this relationship.”
“Far from it. Unlike you, I’ve only given it up to one guy.”
“I only give it up to one guy at a time. Granted, that’s just because I haven’t found two to play with at the same time.”
Both women laughed, easing much of the tension that had been weighing on Leah.
“You’re impossible, but I can always count on you for a laugh, Claire. I don’t know what I would do without you and the tales of your sexcapades.”
“Well, that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about. You’re stuck with me, Lee, and as long as I can find a guy, I’ll always have a story to tell. Seriously though my friend, why are you calling so disgustingly early in the morning? I hope it’s not bad news about your beloved Alex. Did he come home wasted again or did you find him in a gutter somewhere last night?”
Claire was not one for hiding her sarcasm. She wore her feelings on her sleeve, good or bad.
“Can you be a little less obnoxious?” Leah’s defensiveness perked up. Maybe calling Claire was a mistake after all. She was not much of a supporter of Alex. “Alex is fine. I wish you wouldn’t act that way about him. He’s working really hard to get himself together. He’s got a job. He’s working out and staying fit. That’s where he is now. He’s running and taking care of himself. He’s doing the right things, so stop coming down on him. I don’t know why you hate him so much, but if you’re my friend you would learn to keep your feelings to yourself about the man that means more to me than anyone or anything else. Alex’s getting better and he will stay better.”
“Are you trying to convince me, Lee, or yourself? Look, I don’t want to upset you. Believe it or not, I don’t hate Alex. I never have. I hate his addiction and I hate what it does to you and to him. I want him to get better, but the last time we spoke you told me he quit rehab after two weeks. I am no sobriety expert, but I can’t believe that he was cured that fast. I’ve seen enough talk shows to know that most addicts relapse at least once. Sorry to be the wet blanket here, but the odds are not good for Alex or for you if you keep deluding yourself. ”
“I didn’t call you to lecture me about Alex’s battle with drugs. You could watch a million shows on TV, but you will never understand what it’s really like unless you’re in the situation. Stop acting like a know-it-all. I don’t need you to tell me how to fix my life.” She just needed her friend to be there for her and support her through this nightmare because she was scared enough on her own. She didn’t want any reminders of how afraid she should be. Fear was embedded in her soul.
“Someone has to tell you because you can’t seem to do it on your own. You keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You should have made Alex go back to rehab. You have to know it was wrong for him to check himself out so soon.”
Like I could make him go back to rehab.
Claire may have meant well, but she couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of this situation. Leah scolded herself for expecting Claire to understand. She just wanted someone to talk to, and now she was just tempted to hang up on her friend.
The last thing she wanted was an unnecessary lecture about all the things she should do differently. For once she just wished Claire would just listen to her, but as usual no one ever really listened to her. They just criticized her choices and berated her for her failures, but they never heard her. The only person that ever really did was Alex. Even high he listened better than anyone else in her life. How sad was that? How lonely?
This conversation was going nowhere fast and before something was said that could not be undone, Leah decided to end it. “Claire, I have to go. Sorry to call so early. Talk to you another time.”
She hung up before Claire could respond. She couldn’t bear to hear another word from her friend. Leah sat at the kitchen stool. She felt so alone. When it came to Alex’s addiction, she was alone.
Her stomach churned again and this time the nausea overwhelmed her. She ran into the bathroom just in time and relieved her stomach of the oatmeal she ate for breakfast. She was so ill that she did not hear Alex enter the bathroom.
He crouched down beside her and pulled her hair back as she vomited again. After several painful minutes, her stomach settled.
“Babe, what’s wrong?”
Leah’s throat was so raw she could not utter any words. Alex helped her stand and she brushed her teeth. He poured her some water from the tap and she drank it up quickly as it hydrated her parched throat.
Without a word, Alex eased her out of her clothes and turned on the shower. He took off her engagement ring and left it on the bathroom counter.
He removed his as well and pulled her into the shower behind him. He lathered up the washcloth and began to cleanse away any remnants of the illness.
His hands massaging her skin was a welcoming balm to her aching body. She never wanted him to stop. She rested her back against his chest as he washed her breasts and stomach and his hands reached lower.
“For once, I get to clean you up.” He kissed her ear lobe ever so lightly and then her neck, causing her to shiver. Her legs felt weak. As if he knew, he wrapped his right around her waist and held her up as he continue to lick her neck and massage her body with his left hand. “I like this much better.”
Leah liked it much better as well. Although she still felt slightly ill, she was quickly healing, as his ministrations were the best medicine for her stress-induced nausea.
Too quickly, Alex pulled away and turned off the shower. He exited and she followed. He grabbed his towel and began to dry her off. His scent comforted her anxious stomach and she surrendered herself to his care. He wrapped her up in the towel and carried her to bed.
She watched the water drip from his skin and for a moment she envied those drops, wishing she could embrace him the way they did.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Alex asked with a teasing glint in his eyes.
“I must be really sick. I am sitting here envying water.” She was just so frighteningly in love with this man. Her eyes met his and she could see his confusion. “Don’t pay attention to me. I just…I love you Alex. Thank you for taking care of me.”
“I love taking care of you. I wish I could do it more often. Not that I wish you were ill, but I wouldn’t mind playing doctor-patient once in a while.” He reached for his jeans and began to put them on.
“You’re not a very good doctor, Alex.” Leah pointed to his jeans. “The best cure for me is you sans the Levis.”
Alex shook his head, trying to stifle his laughter. “Just a few moments ago it looked like you were going to drown in the toilet, and now you want some lovin’, darlin’?” he drawled in his fake southern boy accent.
“What can I say? A shower with you and your magic hands cured me.” And she did feel cured. All the stress of the morning was gone and she felt relaxed and free. It was like getting sick rid her of her anxiety and she felt a sense of peace. She wanted to embrace every moment of it and especially the man who helped her find it. “To be certain, I could still use another treatment.” She stretched out her arms to him like a siren beckoning her lover to come.
Alex dropped his jeans and strode over to her. He crouched on the bed, stalking her like a wolf in search of its prey. He kissed her legs and pulled them apart, seating himself between her. “I shouldn’t do this. You could have the cooties or something.” He bent down and licked her moist heat. “Mmm. Well, your cooties taste really good,” he groaned.
Leah playfully slapped him on the back. “You’re such an idiot, but you’re my idiot.”
He pulled himself up and cupped her cheek in his hand. “I will always be your idiot as you will always be mine. At least I hope you don’t smarten up one day and leave this idiot behind.”
Leah pressed her lips to his. “The smartest thing I ever did was let you in my heart. I’ll never let you go.”
III
“It’s Saturday, Leah. Why do you need to go work?” Alex’s annoyance was written all over his beautiful face.
Leah had showered again and dressed in a navy skirt and pink blouse. She was standing in front of the mirror trying to force her uncooperative hair into a sophisticated French twist. “I want to work on my story. What can I say? After spending all morning in bed with you, I feel energized and inspired. Besides, you’re going to work in a few hours as well. It’s not like I am leaving you behind.”
“I could call in sick and spend the day with you,” Alex offered.
“Sweetheart, you just started at the coffeehouse. You can’t call in sick your first week of work.”
“So let them fire me. It’s a stupid coffeehouse. I could get a job selling coffee anywhere.”
“With this attitude you will never be head barista,” she joked, but she immediately recognized Alex was not amused.
Alex rose from the bed and grabbed his jeans. He shoved his legs into his jeans and reached for his shirt. After fumbling with the buttons, he threw it in the corner of the room and sat on the bed with his back to Leah.
She could see the tension in his shoulders and knew her little joke was to blame. She picked up his shirt and quickly undid the buttons. She passed it to him and after a moment he grabbed it from her and slammed it down on the bed.
“Are you going to dress me now, too? I am not even capable of something that simple, am I?”
Leah sat down next to him. “I’m sorry Alex. It was just a joke.”
“The sad part is I have become a joke. The best job I can get is selling coffee to college kids. I was supposed to be a college kid. I should have graduated with you and have been looking forward to starting law school in August. Rather than learning criminal law and constitutional law, I am learning how to make café latté and espresso. What a fucking loser I’ve become!”
“Stop it!” Leah yelled. “Don’t ever say that about yourself again. You are no loser, Alex. You can do whatever you want to do. You will be twenty-two in a few weeks. You have plenty of time to go back to college and go to law school if that’s what you want. It’s not too late for you. Things may have been delayed, but you still have opportunities to do whatever you set your mind to. I will support you completely in whatever you choose.”