“What if I don’t choose? What if I continue like this? You wouldn’t be ashamed of your barista husband? You wouldn’t mind introducing me to your successful friends as your minimum-wage lover?”
“Where is this coming from? Have I ever once even insinuated that I was ashamed of what you did for a living or embarrassed by you?” The only time she ever felt those emotions was when he was high on drugs and she worried about his unpredictable and erratic behavior. Never because of his job. How could he think she would be so superficial? This whole argument was pointless. This was just another one of his mood swings, which were happening more and more frequently. She figured it was just his struggles with temptation and she tried to be patient, but some days he made it hard.
“Alex, you have all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do and how to get there. I have never pressured you and I won’t now. You need to stop projecting your insecurities on to me. I have never judged you in such a way, but you judge yourself unfairly all the time. I wish you wouldn’t do that to yourself, but if you are determined to do so, then don’t make it about me.”
“Projecting my insecurities on to you? Did you learn that in your psych class? I’m glad you chose journalism instead of psychology. That is definitely not your strength.”
“Being an asshole is definitely yours at times.” Leah rose from the bed and ran out the bedroom as fast as her legs could take her. She reached for her purse and opened the front door. Before she could leave, she felt Alex’s strong arm grab her around the waist and lift her back into the apartment. With his free hand he shut the door.
Leah rested her head against the door, her back pinned to his chest as Alex held her in a tight, but not uncomfortable embrace. She felt his breath on her neck as he kissed her anxious pulse. “I’m sorry, Leah. Don’t leave angry with me. I just feel lost. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Alex softened his grip, allowing Leah to turn to face him. “If you’re lost, I’ll find you,” she promised.
“You can’t find me until I find myself. I just don’t know where to begin looking. I hate feeling like this and I don’t know how to stop.” He pressed his forehead against hers, seeking her warmth. “Don’t hate me for saying this, but it was easier when I was on drugs. Not better, just easier.”
Leah’s heart sank at his admission, but she would not let him know how much his words disturbed her. He was being honest and she couldn’t fault him for his words even though they cut her like the sharpest of blades. “Give yourself time, Alex. I know it’s hard right now, but be patient with yourself, with me. You didn’t have to face the real world when you were high, but now you have to deal with reality and it can be hard at times, but it can be wonderful as well. Don’t give up on this.”
Don’t give up on sobriety,
she pleaded.
“I won’t give up. I just have to give it time. Patience was never one of my strengths, but I will work on it. I have to. I can’t go back. We can’t go back.”
No, they couldn’t go back. Leah couldn’t imagine doing another twelve rounds of addiction. Alex needed help that she couldn’t provide.
“Alex, maybe it’s time for you to go a meeting or see someone who understands what you’re going through. I know how hard you are fighting to deal with this on your own, but it’s okay to seek help. Isn’t that the normal protocol? You should be in contact with someone who can relate to you and help you deal with whatever temptation you’re facing. I wish it could be me, but I see that I am not enough. You need more than I can give.”
“I hated rehab, Leah. I was drowning in this black sea, sinking deeper and deeper each day. I knew if I stayed any longer, I would never see the surface again. I would never see you. I would just sink until there was nothing left but darkness and I was gone forever. I would be something unrecognizable to myself, to you. I would become a stranger. That’s how I feel some days. I don’t know who I am right now and I don’t know how to find myself in this abyss. Maybe I should go talk to someone,” Alex conceded. “I guess it couldn’t be any worse.”
“It could be great for you,” Leah implored, feeling hopeful once again. “Alex, you have to get used to the new you. You aren’t losing yourself. You’re just growing and developing in the man you were meant to be. The man who drugs were holding you back from becoming. There’s nothing to fear in this. Please talk to someone about this. The local Methodist church has meetings there for recovering addicts. I picked up a pamphlet for them a while back. It’s a free program open to anyone in need of help.”
“What were you doing in a Methodist church? Last time I checked you were Catholic and only because you were christened as one, not because you ever make appearances at church. Did lightning strike when you stepped into the building? Did you see images of the Virgin Mary? I wonder if that’s what caused that wicked nor’easter a few months ago. Leah Rhodes stepped into church and the heavens poured.”
Leah knew this was no time to joke, but Alex often hid his pain behind humor. “I’ve been to church many times the last few years. I even stopped in a synagogue. I would go anywhere and everywhere I thought God might listen to my prayers—my prayers for you. How I ended up in church doesn’t matter, though. The only thing that does matter is you getting the help you need. Go to a meeting. Give it a chance. You might be able to find comfort in others who understand your struggle.”
“I’ll give it a shot. The last thing I want to do is to keep taking out my frustrations on you. This is not your fault and you shouldn’t bear the brunt of my struggles. I have to get myself together. I will get myself together.”
He kissed her tenderly and stepped away. He smiled so warmly, but the smile didn’t quite reach his azure eyes.
Leah searched his eyes for hope, but all she could see was defeat. The knot in her stomach returned with a vengeance as fear engulfed the peace she’d embraced just a short time ago.
Chapter 5: The Stages of Grief
Several days later and Leah was feeling worse. She couldn’t forget that helpless, defeated look in Alex’s eyes. It haunted her. Over the last few days she watched him closely, analyzing his every move to see if there was some sign he was slipping back into that dark world of addiction. The anxiety was consuming her, making her increasingly ill. She couldn’t keep any food down. Her stomach was in a constant war of emotion and she worried the stress had finally resulted in an ulcer.
After taking every over-the-counter medicine she could find, her symptoms progressed. There were brief periods of relief, but they were always short lived. She finally conceded it was time to see the doctor. She used to lecture Alex on the importance of getting help. Well, now it was time for her to get help for her illness.
She made an appointment with a new physician. It had been years since her last physical and annual gynecological exam, so it was time for a full checkup. Fortunately, her doctor had a cancellation for Saturday morning so he was able to squeeze her in today. It was a mixed blessing. Part of her did not want to hear the inevitable bad news, but she was tired of being miserable and if he could give her something to dull the pain, she would gladly accept it.
Her appointment was at nine. His office was only a ten-minute walk, so she didn’t have to rush to get ready. She dragged herself out of bed at eight. She felt okay for the first five minutes, but by the time she stepped out the shower, her stomach was churning and she ended up on her knees, hovering over the toilet, dry-heaving into the bowl.
“Jesus, Leah. You’re sick again.” Alex was at her side once again in his usual position of holding her hair back while she emptied the little contents in her stomach. He helped her clean up and get dressed as usual. This had become their unpleasant morning ritual the last few days. “I’m going with you to the doctor.”
“Y-you don’t have to go,” Leah spoke in a raspy voice. Her throat painfully parched. She said the words, but didn’t mean them. She wanted him there with her. She didn’t want to face this battle alone. What if she was sicker than she imagined? Maybe this wasn’t an ulcer. Maybe this was a tumor of some kind. Oh God. Maybe it was worse than that. What if Alex had given her something? She always feared he might contract something as an intravenous drug user. He swore he never shared needles, but who knows what he might have done in a drug-induced desperation. Leah started to panic and her stomach lurched again.
“You’re as green as the Hulk. Yes, I do have to go with you. I need to speak to your doctor as well. This isn’t normal. Give me ten minutes and I will be ready to go with you.”
Leah waited in the living room for Alex, who was ready in about five minutes. She felt a little better, but she leaned on him, feeding off his strength as they walked to Austin Street.
She couldn’t erase the nagging thought she might be seriously sick, but considering he seemed fine, it was unlikely she contracted anything from him. For a moment, she stopped worrying that he gave her a disease. She felt guilty even thinking it. Good thing she was going to the doctor. Speculation would drive her insane long before this stomach issue caused her serious harm.
They arrived ten minutes before nine but, despite the early arrival, they still had to wait nearly forty-five minutes to see the doctor.
Finally, a nurse called her name and she and Alex waited in Dr. Karen Lechter’s office. Leah’s legs were shaking. Alex placed his palm on her leg and squeezed gently, instantly easing the tension. She took a deep breath and the tremors subsided.
She hated the doctor’s office. That’s why she avoided going. The doctor was just the bringer of bad news, and the last thing she needed was more problems.
Avoidance would not resolve anything, though. She was still sick and it was starting to affect her at work. She was too tired and weak to concentrate most days. Although Marcus never complained, she knew the quality of her work had declined slightly. It may be acceptable to him, but not to her high standards. She needed to get back on track. Step one was facing her problem.
That task was much easier when an unexpectedly pleasant Dr. Lechter strode into the office with a seemingly genuine, kind smile illuminating her face. She looked like she was in her mid-thirties with short blond hair, cut in an adorable pixie style that suited her oval face perfectly. Her brown eyes were warm and soothing. Just what Leah needed to ease her panic.
“Good morning, Ms. Rhodes.” She smiled at Leah. She turned to Alex. “Are you Mr. Rhodes?”
“No,” Alex responded. “I’m Alex Briggs. I’m Leah’s fiancé.”
Leah reached to twirl her engagement ring and realized it was missing. She must have left it in the bathroom. She couldn’t have lost it. She started to panic. She tried to remember the last time she’d seen it, but her mind was blank. This wasn’t the time to have a panic attack over her ring. It had to be home. She couldn’t have lost it.
“Nice to meet you both,” Dr. Lechter greeted them.
One thing at a time
, Leah reminded herself. There was nothing she could do about the ring now. She needed to get through this doctor’s appointment and find out if her health was in danger. If it were, the least of her problems would be a missing ring.
“Ms. Rhodes, I assume your fiancé’s presence here means you are comfortable discussing your medical issues with him.”
“Yes. I signed a paper stating that he was authorized to know what’s going on with me. Alex knows me better than anyone. We’ve been together forever. There are no secrets between us.” Well, she didn’t keep secrets from him. She couldn’t say the same for him, though. His life was shrouded in secrecy; at least it has been since drugs have dominated his life.
“Okay, then. So why don’t you tell me why you’re here.”
Leah looked over to Alex and he clutched her hand in his. “I’ve been feeling pretty lousy lately. My stomach is a mess. I am sick all the time. I’ve a lost a few pounds. I can’t keep food down. My head hurts and some mornings I can barely get out of bed. I was researching online at one of the medical sites and my symptoms were similar to an ulcer. I have been under some stress lately and that may have caused the ulcer. I was afraid that if it were an ulcer, it could rupture or something.”
“You seem pretty sure it’s an ulcer.”
“The symptoms fit. I’ve tried taking some over-the-counter treatment, but it’s not working. I figured I should come see you before the ulcer erupts. Then I started thinking it could be a tumor, but if I am losing weight, it wouldn’t likely be benign, it would be cancerous and that freaked me out.” Leah knew she was babbling, but that’s what happens when she faced a doctor—even a nice one. She was a nervous wreck and her only comfort was talking.
“Okay, Leah. Why don’t we let me diagnose you? That’s my job. Let me ask you a few questions and then I can examine you more closely.” Leah nodded and leaned into Alex. “When did your symptoms begin?”
“A few weeks ago, but it’s been worse the last week.”
“Are you on any medication regularly?”
“Birth control and I take allergy medication. I’m allergic to dust and pollen.”
“When was your last period?”
Leah paused for a moment, trying to recall when she last got her period. She was always so irregular. One year when she was in high school she only had it four times. Her doctor told her that it would probably become more regular as she got older, but it hadn’t happened. She could still go months without it.
“I can’t recall, actually.” She looked to Alex and he shrugged.
“I don’t recall you getting it since I’ve been home.”
“It may have been a couple of months, but that’s normal for me. I’m very irregular.” Leah knew what her doctor might be speculating. She’d already dismissed that possibility. “I know I am not pregnant, if that’s what you’re thinking. I am anal retentive about my birth control. I don’t miss ever.”
“Well, we need to do some blood work anyhow so we can just add a pregnancy test to the mix. Actually, I may do a urine sample and I can test for that and rule it out immediately if it comes back negative.”
Leah wasn’t worried. It would come back negative. She knew she wasn’t pregnant, but that nagging concern about contracting something from Alex returned with a vengeance.