She thought about how her mother would have handled this. Her estranged mother had been on her mind a lot lately. Ever since she found out she was pregnant. She already felt a deep connection to her child. She wondered if her mother had ever felt anything like that for her. And if she did, why did it end? There was no point dwelling on it. She was going focus on her life and making sure she provided the best life she could for her baby. She just hoped she wouldn’t have to do it alone.
Alex’s behavior was too similar to the past, when heroin was the only thing that mattered to him. He was staying out late again, claiming to be looking for a job or doing odd jobs for people to make extra cash. She wasn’t so blinded by love to believe that he was working at 2am.
She was avoiding the inevitable confrontation they would have to have about his drug use. She couldn’t hide from this forever. She spent too many years running from the problem, and that caused was the problem to escalate. This time there was too much to lose and too much to protect. She might have been willing to condemn herself to a life with an addict, but she refused to subject her child to that life. No child deserved that.
She left work around six and before she could get into her apartment door, her phone was ringing. She dropped her bags and checked the caller ID. To her surprise, it was Dr. Lechter.
“Dr. Lechter? How are you?”
“Fine, Leah. The more important question is how are you?”
She wished she knew how to answer that question. She went with the safe answer. “I’m okay.”
“That’s good. I got your test results and we can officially rule out an ulcer or stomach cancer. In fact, you are doing pretty well but there was one area of concern. There were some signs of protein in your urine. That’s not totally uncommon, but it was a little more than I would like to see. Also, considering your nausea and elevated blood pressure, I have some concerns that you may be at risk of preeclampsia.”
That didn’t sound good. “What does that mean?”
“It’s a potentially serious condition that could complicate your pregnancy, but it’s still very early and usually this is not an issue until later in the pregnancy, so for now we will just monitor your progress. If you start feeling any worse, call my office immediately. Just keep taking your vitamins and try not to get too stressed.”
How could she not be stressed after this news? “Of course, doctor.”
“Leah, I hate to bring this up, but I feel I must. I don’t want to upset you. I just told you to avoid stress and now I’m about to cause you some. There’s something I think you need to know. I’ve been debating about whether I should say anything, but I think I must for your sake.”
Leah’s heart was racing. She was trying not to panic, but she knew this had to be bad. She felt it to her core.
“Last Saturday when you had your appointment, my assistant at the end of the day went to catalogue our supplies as normal and she noticed that a substantial amount of our needles were missing. At first I just figured they were misplaced, but we looked all over the office and checked our records to confirm the amount that should have been there. We are definitely missing quite a few boxes. I also keep a camera on the supply cabinet to make sure no one takes anything. Usually it’s locked, but when we are busy mistakes are made. I use the camera to make sure no one is taking something they shouldn’t. We checked the footage and…”
They saw Alex stealing it. Leah didn’t need to hear the words to know the truth. It wasn’t the first time Alex had stolen to support his habit. “I’m so sorry, Dr. Lechter.”
“I am not going to report this to the police. I don’t have the heart to do that to either of you, but Alex needs help, Leah. More than you can give him. You have to protect yourself and the baby from his addiction. Heroin is one of hardest drugs to beat. He can’t do it without serious professional help. I know some places he could go for help. If money is a problem, there are cheaper clinics, but he needs the guidance of experts. I can email you some information for him.”
“Thank you, Dr. Lechter.” What else could she say? She wanted to crawl in a hole and hide forever, but what would that accomplish? She would face this reality and make some tough decisions. It was time. Dr. Lechter was right and so was Marcus. Her number one priority had to be the baby now. Alex may have chosen heroin over her and the baby, but she wouldn’t choose his disease over her child. Not anymore.
It was nearly 3am before the click of the door signaling Alex’s return. Leah had waited up for him as she’d done so many times, but this time it would be different because this time it would be the last.
She heard Alex curse as he stumbled over the suitcase in the doorway. “What the fuck!” he yelled.
“I packed your bags for you,” Leah calmly explained in her detached voice. She needed to keep her composure and stay strong to get through this confrontation. She would not give in. Not this time.
Alex remained in the doorway. “Leah, it’s been a long night. Can we have this fight in the morning?”
“It is the morning, Alex. We are going to talk about this now. I want you to take your stuff and leave. I know you’re using again and, unlike all the previous times, I am not going to turn away and pretend the obvious isn’t happening. I am also not going to live with your addiction anymore. I can’t. If you are determined to destroy yourself over drugs, that’s your choice, but I will not let you destroy me or this baby. We both deserve better. You deserve better as well but I can’t help you see it.”
“Leah, I am not using…”
“Don’t insult my intelligence.” She stopped his lie. “Show me enough respect to be honest with me. Not only are you using, but you had the audacity to steal needles from my doctor. Did you volunteer to go with me to the appointment just so you could steal? Did you even give a damn that I was sick or was this too good of an opportunity for you to get what you wanted?”
Alex moved to the couch, where she sat stoically and crouched before her taking her hands in his. “I swear to you that I went with you because I was worried about you. I had no intention of stealing anything. I saw the needles and the cabinet was open and before I could think I took it. I was upset that we fought. I realize that I’ve been fighting a losing battle. You didn’t believe in me. I’m not blaming you, but I could see your doubt because I felt the same doubts. I’ve been having a hard time since I’ve been back. I wanted to get better. I wanted to show you I could be better, but I couldn’t do it and I didn’t want you to see me fail. I knew you thought I would and I wanted to prove to you I could make it, but I couldn’t. I don’t know how to deal with everything when I don’t have the drugs to take the pain away. I wish I were stronger, but I’m not strong enough.”
Leah knew she would have to be strong enough for the both of them, and that meant she could not give in to him no matter how it shredded her heart. “You run, Alex. You run from the things you don’t want to face and you use drugs to help you run away, but at some point you have to stop running. You can’t outrun life or your problems. I admit that I doubted you would make it because in my heart I knew that you left rehab too soon and that you weren’t ready to cope with life. I thought I could help you get there, but it’s not about me. I was so arrogant to believe that my love could fix you. I can’t fix you and I can’t watch you die. And you will die if you continue down this path. The only issue is will I let you take me with you. A few months ago, I would have said yes. That’s how low I’ve sunk, but I won’t now. I have to fight for our child’s sake and I have to take care of myself for this baby. I can’t let you destroy me with your addiction. I have to let you go. Even though I don’t know how I will survive without you, I have to learn how. I will always hope and pray that one day you will come back to me, come back to us.”
Alex rested his head in her lap clutching her hands tightly. “There’s no hope for me if I lose you,” he cried.
“There’s no hope for me if I stay.” Leah gathered up the last of her courage. She held his tear-stained face in her hands. “I love you. Always. That will never change. I promise that I will wait for you. Forever, if that’s how long it takes. I’m not giving up hope, but I am not going to delude myself any longer and live a lie.”
Alex stood up as angry tears continued to flow. “How can you just abandon me like this? We’ve been together for eighteen years, Leah. You are just going to toss that away? You promised me that you wouldn’t be like all the rest. You wouldn’t leave me.”
“I didn’t leave you. You left me, Alex. You left me for your lover heroin, and I can’t compete with that white powder that means more to you than our eighteen years together.”
Alex grabbed a nearby vase and threw it into the wall, shattering the glass over the hardwood floor. Leah barely flinched. She knew he would not hurt her. Despite everything, he wouldn’t do that.
“I wouldn’t walk away from you. I would never do this to you.”
“No Alex, I would never have chosen drugs over you. I would never have put you in the situation to make such a choice. That’s the difference between us.”
“I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this for myself or for you.”
No, he didn’t choose this. Drugs were forced upon him when he was just an innocent boy desperate for his mother’s love. But at some point he had to take responsibility for the choices he had made since that time. Leah could not continue to excuse his behavior because of the crimes committed against him as a child. He was no longer that scared, lonely little boy. He had become a scared, lonely man who couldn’t free himself from the past. Those memories chained him to the past and until he broke free, there was no future for him, for them.
“You didn’t choose how this started, Alex, but you have chosen to continue it.” She could see the resignation in his face and it nearly killed her, but she forged ahead before the last of her strength faded. “You have to go, Alex. Take your bags and either go to rehab or find a new place to live, but you can’t stay here. I will not compete with your addiction.”
Alex just stood there for what felt like hours, but was probably no longer than a few minutes. She knew he was waiting for her to change her mind and she saw the acceptance in his eyes when he realized she would not this time. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bags.
“Alex,” she called out to him. He turned to her and she almost felt guilty for the look of hope in his eyes, but she would not change her mind. Not this time. She just had one more question to ask of him. “My engagement ring. It’s missing. It has been for weeks. You must have noticed. I waited for you to say something but you never did. Then I realized you didn’t say anything because you probably already know what happened to it. So tell me the truth. Did you take it? Did you sell it for drugs?”
“You already know the answer to that question, Leah.” He left, slamming the door behind him.
Leah stood on shaking legs as she went over to the door and turned the deadbolt. Her hands trembled so much she could barely lock the door. That final click unleashed the agony of the past hour and she sank to her knees and sobbed until she was too dehydrated to shed another tear.
After a few hours, she crawled to her bedroom and slid into the bed. She reached for Alex’s shirt—the one she refused to pack that smelled of him—and buried her head in his scent until she fell asleep holding on to this little piece of Alex. At least for one night, she could convince herself that he was still here.
Chapter 6: Happy Birthday
Leah opened the door to her apartment, dropping her bags in the hallway. She survived another week of work. Another long week, but, unlike the previous two, there were no late-night visits from Alex begging her to let him come home. No more pounding on the door before dawn pleading for a second chance. Alex had stayed away this week, and she wondered if he would ever come back.
Had he finally given up? That was what she told herself she wanted, but now that the moment was here, it was more than she could bear. She missed the sound of his voice, his laughter. The way he would hold her at night. The comfort of sleeping in his arms. Now there was nothing but silence to greet her when she came home. That constant silence.
So many times she reached for the phone to call him and beg him to come back, but then she would look at the sonogram and remind herself why she couldn’t. If he were well, he would come back to her, but he was not. She knew it in her heart. He was as sick as ever and if she stayed with him, she would be infected as well.
That reality didn’t make things any easier. It didn’t take the pain of loss away. Doing the right thing didn’t necessarily result in feeling good. She may have been right, but she was also lonely and miserable. There was no satisfaction in righteousness when left feeling such emptiness.
She tried to take comfort in her work, but it was hard to write articles about the subject that destroyed her dreams. She no longer wanted to write about drugs. Her mind was too consumed by thoughts of the life that drugs stole from her. Every time she tried to type out a word, all she could muster was an angry rant against that white powder that meant more to Alex than she did.
Marcus had, fortunately, been extremely patient with her and even assigned someone else to help her with the blog, but she knew such kindness would not last forever. It was time for her to focus on her job and to do this. She would have to let Alex go, at least for now. Mission impossible, she admitted.
The doorbell rang and she raced to the door. For a moment she both hoped and feared that it would be Alex, but then she heard a familiar female voice and knew it was not him this time. She shouldn’t be so disappointed, but she was deep inside.
She opened the door and saw Claire looking as glamorous as ever. Her hair was a little longer and highlighted with a deep burgundy. She looked stunning in skinny jeans, glittery black tank, and matching black heels. Leah knew she must look like a homeless person in comparison with her faded sweatpants and NYU t-shirt.
“Oh Lee, what’s happened to you?”
Maybe she looked even worse than she realized. “It’s good to see you, Claire.”