Authors: Nika Michelle
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #United States, #African American, #Urban, #Genre Fiction
I prayed on the way to the car that I wasn’t knocked up, or worst. El was fine, but AIDS was real as hell. All I wanted to do was take a shower and run into Diablo’s arms. Instead of feeling even with him I felt guilty. I still loved him although I’d just caught him with Tanisha. Fucking El had changed my perspective about cheating. It became clear to me that although Diablo had fucked other women he could still love me the same. It wasn’t right, but I knew that it could happen. I was only used to having sex and love together. Being with El had showed me that the two could be so separate. I turned my cell phone on and checked my messages.
The first one was Diablo. “Baby, it’s me. I need to talk to you. Come home. I wanna work it out. I’ll forget all about the shit wit’ the gun. Why ain’t you answerin’ your fuckin’ phone Yanna? Damn, just call me okay.”
The next one was Maya. “What’s goin’ on Yanna? Diablo called and told me how you flipped out and shit. Tanisha had to get her jaw wired shut. Girl you wild as hell! Anyway, I didn’t know he was fuckin’ that trifling bitch. That nigga got a problem controlling his dick. Oh, I met a guy.” She hung up.
The next message was Diablo explaining how Tanisha decided not to press charges, and things were over between them. There were more messages from Diablo, Princess, Teji and Daren.
I decided that I would call my girls later. I pulled up to the hotel and let the tears fall in silence. When had life become so screwed up? At first everything seemed so…normal. I reluctantly got out of the car and made my way inside. Once I was in my room I got in the shower and washed my sins away. I finally hit the bed and fell into a restless sleep.
* * *
By three in the afternoon Diablo was ready to search for Yanna. By five o’clock, he didn’t know where else to look. None of her girls had seen her.He dialed the cell number for the hundredth time. There was still no answer. “Dammit” he yelled hitting the steering wheel in frustration. What was he thinking anyway? He loved Yanna to death, but he loved to run game on other broads. When he saw a nice, fat, round ass he lost his mind. He couldn’t seem to help it. He wondered where she was. She was his soul mate, and he knew it. He couldn’t lose her. He would find her and be straight about everything. He would admit his addiction to thick hips and thighs. He knew that marriage would get it out of system. If only she’d have his child. That would change his ways completely. He would finally be forced to grow up.
His cell phone rang.
* * *
“Why the fuck you lookin’ for me now? Huh? You didn’t give a damn ‘bout me when you was laid up all night wit’ that bitch!” I yelled angrily at Diablo. “Stop callin’ everybody askin’ where the fuck I am! I was at home waitin’ for you when you was out cheatin’ on me! Now you worried about my where abouts? What? Tanisha can’t suck your dick wit’ a busted jaw! So you need me now? Fuck you nigga! Grow the hell up!” I flipped my phone closed. I didn’t need his sorry ass.
Diablo called me back immediately, but I didn’t answer. When the ringing stopped I turned my phone off. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I had my own money and I planned to buy myself a car and return his precious Jaguar to him. I had spotted a candy apple red Infinity Q 45 with a sunroof. It was a 2003 and it was fully equipped. All I needed was some fly tint and some rims. Fuck him. I’d spotted a condo that I wanted to.
* * *
Maya looked in the mirror and sighed. She missed Mel so much and wanted to pick up the phone to call him. She knew she couldn’t do it though. It was time for her to move on. She’d met a guy at the library named Kevin Newman. He wasn’t a street thug and she knew that it was about time she tried something different. Although he was no thug, she knew he wasn’t soft either. He was in college, which was a plus. He had a full academic scholarship too, which meant he was smart. He wasn’t from the hood like most guys she got with. His parents owned a catering business in Stone Mountain, Ga. It was so famous that Oprah had a review of their business in her magazine.
Maya had no idea why he was interested in her. She was a round the way girl with a child and no college education. He didn’t seem to mind. He told her that she was smarter than most college girls he’d met. This was after one conversation at Starbucks over Frappuchinos. Maya had never tasted one before, and it was good.
Now he was coming to pick her up. He wanted to take her to a Jamaican restaurant. After that they were going to go to a bar and get a few drinks. Later on they planned to hit up one of his favorite reggae clubs to grind. It sounded like fun to Maya. She needed to get out and do something different. For once she felt free to breath. Her secret was out and it actually felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Lexus was with Ju.
When Kevin pulled up on his Cadillac G ride with the twenty twos, and the dark tint she was glad she’d decided to go out with him. Damn glad.
* * *
I’d decided to temporarily crash at Daren’s apartment. She lived in Buckhead in a nice condo. The building had a doorman and the whole nine. She knew that Diablo wouldn’t come there and make a scene in front of white folks. He didn’t mind doing it in the hood though and that was why I’d decided to stay at Daren’s.
A few weeks had passed and my period was due in two days. I’d been praying that it would come on. I guess God wondered why I was suddenly calling on him so much. I should’ve been doing that. I was not raised to be religious, but I did believe in God. I knew that there was a higher spiritual being. We all got here somehow.
I’d finally purchased my car with cash. Money talked and credit didn’t matter if you had green. Daren drove my car and I drove the Jag to Diablo’s. I parked in the double garage and threw the keys in the driver seat. I left the door unlocked and got in my new sweet smelling ride with Daren.
“You goin’ see if he here?” She asked.
“He’s here. The Expedition, the Mercedes, and his bike here. If he ain’t here he must be ridin’ wit’ one his hoes.” My eyes became misty with tears. “It’s Sunday. His rest day.”
“You still love him Yanna,” Daren said softly.
I hadn’t told anybody about El. Not even Maya. I’d only talked about it with God because he already knew.
“But why Daren? He hurt me so many times.”
“Because you can’t help who you love. You love him because although he cheated he still took care of you. He’s all you know. The same reason I love Pedro. He has other women and I choose to just roll wit’ it. He make sure that I have every single thing I want and need. That’s good enough for me, but you’re different Yanna. You would rather he be faithful and give up the money. Well, you gotta either take what he dish out, or find yourself a different kind of man. Whether you wanna accept it or not, Diablo just ain’t the faithful kind. You either gotta roll wit’ it or roll out. You got history wit’ him though. Maybe you should just face him.”
My eyes were filled with tears of hurt and shame. “I can’t,” I said. “Just drive off.”
Before she could Diablo walked out on the porch. He was looking as sexy as ever in some Burberry pajamas pants, and beige boxers that were showing. He didn’t have on a shirt. I could tell he’d just gotten out of the shower because water was glistening in his black, wavy hair. I exhaled at the mere sight of him.
“Damn, look at him.”
Daren snapped her fingers in front of my face. “He’s walkin’ over here. What’s up? You goin’ talk to him or you want me to drive off?” She asked.
“Chill for a minute. Let me see what he gotta say.”
He finally made it to the car with a smile on his handsome face. ‘So damn cocky,’ I thought.
“Yanna, Daren, what’s up?” He asked.
“Nuthin’. What’s up wit’ you?” Daren asked.
“Just getting out of the shower and shit. I been chillin’ all day. It’s Sunday. Yanna know what it is. No grindin’ today. Ain’t that right baby girl?” He rubbed his flat stomach. “Mmm, I miss you girl.”
“Really?” I asked shielding my eyes from the midday sun with my hand. “Well I bought your car back. I don’t need it no more. Now you ain’t got no reason to call me. I got my own shit now. You like it?” I smiled like I hadn’t just been crying.
“Yeah, it’s tight. So that’s the only reason you here?”
“Uh huh. The Jag’s in the garage. I left the keys in the driver’s seat. The door’s unlocked. I’ll be back during the week to get my things. Is that cool?” We made eye contact for a brief moment and then he looked away.
“I hate this shit baby. Damn. I fucked up big time huh?” He asked.
I nodded.
“Look, after you drop Daren off come back and talk to me. I wanna make it up to you. I’ll do right by you this time. I promise.” He looked sincere, but I wasn’t buying his bullshit.
“Your promises don’t mean shit to me Diablo. Don’t you dare try and talk me outta doin’ what I need to do for me. It’s always been about you, but now I have to take care of myself. It won’t be about you no more. I been stupid for you long enough. I’m tired. I need to do me for a while. Who knows, maybe you was never the one.”
“I love you,” he said kissing my hand.
“That’s not enough anymore. Bye Diablo.”
Daren took the hint and drove off. I cried all the way to her apartment.
“You should go back and talk to him Yanna. You sure you ready for it to really be over? You been in love wit’ him for ten years. That’s a long ass time,” Daren said when she turned off the car’s ignition.
“Fuck love Daren. I don’t need love nomore. Everybody who claim they love me has hurt me one way or another. My parents, Maya, Princess, Vernice , and Diablo. They all claim to love me, but they have all hurt me so damn much. He made me so many broken promises.” I shook my head and sighed. “I need a blunt.”
“C’mon. I got some trees. We can get high, mix some drinks, and order some take out.”
We got out of the car. “Why the hell love gotta hurt so damn bad?” I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders and activated the alarm on the car. “I wish I knew.”
“I just wanna chill. I don’t want to even talk about Diablo. I just need a clean break from him. Next week my condo will be ready. That’s a start right? Please remind me that I don’t need him.”
“You don’t need me to remind you that you don’t need him. You already know how you feel Yanna. Just use you head, instead of your heart. I know it’s easier said and done, because love like yours and Diablo’s don’t go away overnight. Do what you feel is best for you. Don’t worry ‘bout him. You have done that shit enough,” she said leading the way.
I was bursting to tell somebody about me and El. I made a mental note to go and see Princess later. I had to tell somebody who understood.
* * *
“Who is it?” Tre asked.
“Yanna,” I said after ringing the doorbell a dozen times. When Princess opened the door I’d realized that they must’ve been in the shower.” They were both wearing robes and they were still wet. Princess hair fell in soft, wet curls.
“Yanna? Where the hell you been bitch? Ablo been blowin’ the phone up,” Princess said as I walked in.
“Princess, I need to talk to you,” I said feeling a lump form in my throat. I swallowed hard and watched her expression. We sat down on the living room sofa.
“Okay, what is it?” She asked curiously.
“Where Tre go?”
“I guess he went in the bedroom. What’s goin’ on Yanna?” She asked anxiously.
I cleared my throat. “You won’t believe this P. I uhhh…damn.”
“Spill the beans!” Princess yelled.
“Shhh! Shut the fuck up,” I whispered hitting her on her bare thigh.
She looked impatient. “Go ahead,” she said in a softer voice.
“I fucked El,” I whispered.
Princess just stared at me without blinking for a full minute. She didn’t say one word.
“P.?”
“Yanna girl. Oh my goodness, girl, was it good?” She asked with wide eyes.
“Hell yeah. He ate my pussy and everything, and he did it good too.”
“So, what’s wrong then?” She asked. “Diablo done cheated on you. It was good, so why the fuck you feelin’ bad ‘bout that shit? What you feelin’ guilty? Oh…’cause of who he is,” she said like she’d figured it all out.
However she was wrong. Who he was didn’t really matter to me anymore. Something else was more pressing. “Look, it ain’t just that. The worst thing that could have happened did in fact happen.”