Forbidden Lessons (9 page)

* * *

Laura had decided to tell Susie about the plan to stay with Mr Rydell over exeat. She felt like she would burst if she didn’t confide in someone. She also needed reassurance or some kind of reaction since her own feelings were so confused.

Susie was delighted when Laura revealed her secret. "A dirty weekend with a teacher!" she said. "It makes my trip to St Duncan’s seem very tame."

Laura wanted to protest about it being called a dirty weekend but in reality she had a creeping fear inside. How far would Mr Rydell expect her to go? She remembered what he had said about "all or nothing". At the time she had been certain she wanted all, or could cope with all, but now she faltered.

Noticing the worry in her eyes, Susie was perceptive enough to guess what it was about. "If you’re not ready, you just tell him," she said. "Just because you stay over doesn’t mean you have to go all the way. You’re not on the Pill are you?" Laura wasn’t. "Well make sure you tell him that too. You don’t want to end up like that girl everyone always goes on about."

"Lucy Martin."

"Yes, her."

Laura wondered what Lucy Martin was doing now. Had she ever made it to university? She must be in her early twenties now, it seemed ancient. Then she remembered that Mr Rydell was even older than that. When she was with him his age never mattered to her. If anything it was a thrill that he was so much older and more experienced than her.

But now she thought about Lucy Martin, and felt anxious. Was she out of her depth?

"Don’t worry about it, I’m sure he won’t let that happen," Susie said. "You’d have more fear of that with a Dunks boy not knowing what to do."

"You’d better be careful yourself then," Laura said, referring to Susie’s own plans to spend the weekend with Darius.

"Like I said, it’s solely for fun. We’re not planning an orgy."
 

* * *

"Dear Diary, I don’t know if it’s safe to write my thoughts here any longer. I want to write more than ever but I find it harder and harder to write anything. And it’s not just about me anymore, is it?"

PART II

Falling

We that were friends to-night have found

A sudden fear, a secret flame:

I am on fire with that soft sound

You make, in uttering my name.

James Elroy Flecker

It was Friday evening and the day was drawing to a close. There was a whirl of activity as girls rushed off to be picked up by parents and guardians for the exeat. Some had to wait until Saturday morning if their parents lived further away, but school formalities were relaxed and there was a spirit of holidays.

Laura felt strangely left out. She wasn’t sure why. She couldn’t wait to see Mr Rydell though she felt nearly sick with terror. It felt like an invisible curtain was coming down between her and everyone else, that she was moving to a place they couldn’t visit.

Making her way up the path towards the groundsman's cottages was like walking the gauntlet. She had chosen a good moment to slip away, but it still felt as though a thousand eyes were upon her. It would only take one person to spot her and investigate and everything would be a disaster.

But somehow, she made it.

She knocked and he opened the door and she stepped inside. She had never been in the cottages before. The interior was quite spartan, much like their dorms. The school had apparently used similar fittings.

It was strange to see Mr Rydell in casual clothes. Male staff at Francis Hall were required to wear a jacket and tie. Seeing him wearing something else was strange. It was like discovering another person: he had this whole other life that she knew nothing about.
 

"I’m glad you made it," he said. Then his arms were around her, and they were kissing, urgently. It was a relief as much as it was wonderful. It took some of the strangeness away.

Laura still had her thick school coat on, restricting her. He slipped his hands inside it and pulled it down off her shoulders to the floor.

Now she was free to wrap her arms around him equally, as he again pushed her against the wall. He moved his thigh up between hers, hard, and she nearly lost her balance.
 

She was pinned, she couldn’t move except to kiss him back and let him kiss her face, her neck, run his hands over her body.

When he broke away his voice was ragged. "Christ, what you do to me. I fully intended to start by offering you a drink and just talking, but something overtakes me."

She was breathless as well. Scared by the force of his passion and her own, and his strength and the control he had over her, but also thrilled by the way she was able to affect him.

"What would you like? Wine? Coke? Tea?"

She didn’t want tea because of the time it took to make it. She didn’t much like wine, but it might calm her nerves. Or she might drink too quickly and be ill. Coke seemed like the childish option.

"Just water if you have it."

He fetched her a glass, and they sat down on the sofa. The gas fire was identical to other ones in the school. It was disconcerting to have all these reminders.

"This isn’t something I’ve ever done before," he said. "Crossing the line with a pupil is the most serious thing any teacher can do. I don’t know what is different about you, but from the first time I saw you I haven’t been able to get you out of my head."

Laura could hardly speak. She managed to say "likewise".

They were sitting apart, not touching, and she didn’t know what to do with herself except hold the glass of water.
 

"Come here." He took the water out of her hand and pulled her closer to him, his arm around her.

"You have no idea of the times I’ve seen you and had to walk away, because I feared I would do something that I would regret."

"I used to love it when you came and talked to me," she said.

He gave her one of his rare smiles. "Now at least we can do that without fear of the bell."

He asked about her time at Francis Hall, her parents, what she liked and what she didn’t like. And he told her about his life, what he’d done at university, his previous jobs, his plans for the future. She was very comfortable now, resting against his side, the warmth of him next to her.

It felt that they talked for hours, Laura lost track of the time. She was amazed how well they got on, how easy it was. Even despite the differences in age and experience they were on some same, shared level. Occasionally she worried about sounding childish but mainly it was fine. She felt, as she had felt the times before when he talked to her, that they were like co-conspirators. It was the two of them against school, against the world. They laughed at the same things, admired the same things.

It was the little things he noticed about her that amazed her. He remembered the books he had seen her reading, even trivial things she had said. He was genuinely interested in her.

Then he noticed it was getting late. "You must be starving." Laura realised she was. She had totally lost her appetite the past week and barely been able to eat a thing earlier in the day.
 

"My plans were to cook for you and take you to bed, but I’m running behind schedule," he said.

Her stomach flipped. He noticed the apprehension in her eyes, and sought to reassure her. "I know what I said the other day, but there’s no pressure. Just being with you and holding you is enough."

They ate, and then he led her up the narrow stairs to the cottage’s small bedroom. It had a double bed at least.
 

Afterwards when the others asked she could never remember how she took her clothes off, it was a blur. She did remember that he unbuttoned her blouse, unhooked her bra, slipped her underwear down.

"I want to see you naked, completely mine."

Mine. It was the first time he had said anything possessive towards her. Although she felt like they were on the same team, the two of them, it had never been expressed. She didn’t know what she was to him. It felt absurd to use a word like "boyfriend" that got used for St Duncan’s boys and the tame, pen-pal relationships they had.

Laura felt shy but also strangely proud as he uncovered her. She was amazed that she affected him so much, her body arousing the desire that she saw in his eyes. He took her to the bed. His hands were warm on her skin, and she wanted him to run them over her body but didn’t know how to ask.

He threw his own clothes off quickly, and lay next to her, resting on one elbow. His chest was so broad and strong, he looked so powerful. She loved it as much as it made her nervous.

He kissed her. "You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?"

She nodded.

"I want you very badly but if it’s too much we can hold off. Just let me know and I’ll stop."

She wasn’t sure what she wanted yet. She wanted him as close to her as possible but she didn’t know if it would hurt or if she was ready.

He caressed her body, moving his hand over her left breast, playing with her nipple. No one had done this to her before. It felt unbelievably sensitive under his fingers as he teased it to hardness, and then brought his mouth down upon it.

Laura gasped and felt her back arch towards him. It made her throb down below. She ran her hands through his hair, as he swirled his tongue around her swollen nipple. His hands caressed her waist, her stomach, moving lower to her thighs.

Then suddenly she felt his hand move toward her inner thighs. She froze momentarily, then he slid his fingers between her folds, brushing her clitoris. No one had ever touched her there before.

It was electric, she felt a sharp pang in her groin that shot up to her stomach. Instinctively she moaned and pushed towards his hand. His fingers were firm and knew exactly where to apply pressure.

He raised his head from her breast. "You’re very wet."

Laura wasn’t sure if this was good or not but he smiled so she figured it must be.
 

She had a brief flashback to class and the image of him standing at the blackboard, instructing them. Mr Rydell, their teacher. And now he was touching her in the most intimate places and in the most intimate way, with something of the same decisiveness and authority. He was instructing her, instructing her body.

He took her hand and moved it onto him. She had no idea how warm and hard he would feel, nothing they’d learnt in Biology or speculated about in the dorm had prepared her for this. Her fingers could barely wrap around it. She couldn’t imagine there was any way they could actually do it.

But he shifted up so he was leaning over her, and pushed her thighs apart with his knees.

His eyes were dark with desire. He had promised her he would stop, but he clearly wanted this. The thought flashed through her mind that he might not stop even if she did resist.

She felt him pressing against her opening, her wetness helping him in. It hurt - he was so large - and she bit her lip to stop herself crying out. She tried to shift back to ease the pressure but his hands were gripping her hips and holding her against him, not letting her get away.

"I want to be your first," he said, looking deep into her eyes.

He pushed into her and the pain increased, and yet she wanted it. She wanted to do this. She wanted him closer to her, as close as possible, for him to take possession of her. He withdrew a little and she relaxed, closed her eyes, and then he pressed into her again.

At some point there was a particularly sharp pain, and around this time his lips were on hers before she could cry out, and then against her neck, and he was saying her name.
 

Then holding her tightly, almost crushing her as his hard, muscular chest pressed against her breasts, he thrust forward and they were finally joined. She was sore and it throbbed but he was with her, in her, fully.

He waited for a few moments, holding her still, until he felt her relax. Then very gently he withdrew a small way and pushed back into her. He repeated this until it was moving more easily for them both. The pain was less now, there was more of a numbness, but she felt a fullness inside her that replaced it.

He shifted his weight, and with a new angle his pelvis pressed against her, hitting just the right place each time he ground into her. It made her push back against his thrusts, meeting him in return.

"Feel how hard you make me."

His greater strength and her inability to resist him - had she even wanted to - made her more able to lose control. He was in command, he was doing this to her body, she was in his hands. She felt him inside her, each thrust going almost too deep but she wanted him as deep as possible.
 

He’s my teacher, she thought. He was a grown adult and her superior on every level - age, experience, authority - yet something about this levelled them. The outside world faded away. Nothing else was.
 

The way he was grinding against her at the end of each thrust meant that just where it might have become uncomfortable, she instead got the pressure and stimulation she needed in front. It was less direct than when he touched her with his fingers but combined with the sensation of him inside her, filling her, it was enough.

Laura knew where her body was going, everyone had read Just Seventeen and other magazines and tried out their vague instructions at private moments. But this was nothing like touching herself. It was a thousand times more sensitive and she felt it throughout her stomach, not just between her legs.

It rose like a wave, she was pushing up towards him, and then the feeling started to peak and was running in spasms throughout her body. She clutched him, she was trembling, crying out. He seemed to know what she needed, and ground into her harder but more slowly.

Everything overtook her and she made noises she had not know she could make, soft, almost like crying.

Suddenly he pulled out of her and moved back over her, and she felt a warm, thick wetness fall over her stomach.

Laura lay there, her head and body dizzy, and he kissed her mouth and then lay down beside her.