Authors: Blair Aaron
But his grief was simply too much to bear, and his family, to whom he was not out of the closet about being gay, noted a marked change in their young son that was unusual for someone when they lose a friend, even a very close one.
For this reason Carter had to finally come out to his family. He feared they would essentially castrate him for being gay, because his mom and dad were loving, but fearful of anything different. He feared their reaction also because several of his peers had tried coming out lately across the nation and were met with murderous intentions from their families. He feared their reaction because his entire family, despite their lovingness, harbored an unconscious hatred for people not part of their group; they were uneducated even by high school standards, they were working class and kept to themselves, and they were altogether of a different era in the nation's history.
Even though he feared all this, their reaction was nonetheless accepting and loving; maybe it was because they were shocked by the grief he was experiencing. They suggested he go see his older brother Jaylon Simmons, who left the carney trade long ago, to live in the mountains on his own ranch. He maintained contact with his father and mother, but because they traveled through the nation nonstop, Carter didn't have much of a relationship with his brother.
When Carter arrived at Jaylon's cabin home in the mountains, Jaylon informed him that Jaylon had a friend who needed his help just as much as Carter did.
“What's happened to him?” Carter asked.
“He doesn't want to talk about it.”
“Well can't you tell me?”
“No I can't. I don't betray my friends.”
Carter had ask his family to contain the news of his homosexuality and that his brother should only know that a “very good friend” had passed away. They conceded this to Carter. So he wondered what kind of relationship his brother had with this mysterious cowboy friend of his. The most Jaylon would admit was that they'd been friends from long ago and were just now getting back in touch due to changes in his life.
“What's his name?”
“Stetson Carthswaite.”
Carter thought about it. He had always had a near uncontrollable sex drive, which had all but completely vanished when he lost Maddox. But it had been over a year, so things were definitely getting better. Carter always had a sexual fantasy of turning a straight gay—the most masculine, unapproachable, hopelessly straight male you could find, suddenly finds himself capable of full-on gay attraction to the same sex. Carter had wondered why this fantasy had pervaded his mind so intensely so early in his life, and he finally concluded that there was something about guys he wanted to get close to, to understand. This was why he found himself somewhat uncomfortable around his own sex as a child. The sexual fascination was just another indication of his intense interest in men; having sex with them brought him only so close. He wanted to know just exactly how their minds worked, what certain facial expressions meant about their inner life, and why did acted the way they did. Having sex with young men helped him achieve this, but young men were unformed, not yet fully in touch with their masculine sides, which would come with time. This was particulary true of young gay men. But straight males past the age of 30 were the epitome of whatever intangible quality Carter wanted to understand and get close to.
When he finally met Stetson, he was floored by his similarity to Maddox. It was as if Maddox had never died, but simply transferred his soul into another human being, who encapsulated everything Maddox would've been as a grown male—tall, silent, strong, and mysterious. And indeed, the feelings he had had for Maddox when they first met in that bar on Bourbon street mirrored the near instantaneous feelings he developed upon first meeting Stetson.
“Carter, this is Stetson,” Jaylon said.
“Hi sir,” Carter said, holding out his hand to his new crush.
“Howdy.” Stetson seemed a little distracted, and without a doubt completely and utterly uninterested in meeting Carter. There was no doubt in Carter's mind that his new love interest was straight.
Jaylon grabbed his keys. “OK guys let's go. This fence won't build itself.” They were building Jaylon's boss a new white fence for his horses.
They spent the day cutting wood, sanding edges into the perfect pristine shape Jaylon's boss wanted.
“I'll work down yonder,” Stetson told them, resetting his beige cowboy hat on his head and walked down several hundred yards from them.
“Are we talking too much?” Carter asked Jaylon when Stetson was out of earshot.
“No, he just needs to be alone lately. He's got a lot to think about. Give the guy a break.”
“I didn't mean to pry. Why are you so protective of him?”
“He's my friend Carter. What else do you expect? Have I told him about your friend?”
“No you haven't, hopefully.”
“Well then lay off.” Jaylon walked off to work by himself.
That night, Carter noticed after he was taking a shower that the doorway to his bedroom gave him a viewpoint straight into Stetson's room. He watched Stetson himself take off his shirt and hang up his hat on the edge of the doorknob. He didn't know he was being watched. His chest was in top shape, massive and wide. He took his pants, standing in blue cotton underwear and hung the pants on the edge of the door. He scratched his pubic hair as he took off his underwear to sleep naked. Carter surprised himself by getting a hard on for the first time since his boyfriend died last year. And Stetson reminded him so much of Maddox—he was the older, more mature, more masculine version of Maddox—yet there was no hope of ever getting a shot with the guy. Carter thought maybe the second best choice would be to simply jerk off to the idea of having sex with Stetson, as he watched him sleep naked in bed. He imagined Stetson come into the room, shirtless but still in jeans, his tan skin glowing softly in the lamplight. It was quiet outside, as he could hear the frogs croak by the lake outside. Carter was pinned frozen by anxiety on the bed as Stetson walked into the room and shut the door quietly so Jaylon wouldn't hear them. He put his black hat on the doorknob and finally locked eyes with Carter. His eyes were a bright blue, full of affection for Carter, but also a sexual hunger. Carter could feel the air tight with sexual tension, and vibes of hunger emanated from Stetson's body. At this point in Carter's imagination, he was fully erect in his bed, lying only in his underwear.
Stetson sat on the bed without saying anything. His breathing was soft but firm and strong. He looked at Carter as he reached down as planted a kiss on his lips. Carter practically came in his underwear, but couldn't touch himself as he wanted to.
Stetson put his hands on Carter's chest and began sucking on his nipples. At this point, maybe because his sexual vitality had just reawakened, Carter came on himself, breaking the fantasy abruptly. He lay there with his hand on his dick and come on his stomach for several minutes before cleaning up and going to bed.
The next day, as they were working on the fence, which was almost done at this point, Jaylon worked alone, and Stetson worked on the fence not more than ten yards away from Carter. Carter painted in silence, catching glimpses of the guy in his peripheral vision. He thought of Maddox and how much he missed him, and what they'd be doing if things had not gone so terribly wrong.
A truck gate closed abruptly, snapping Carter out of his reverie.
“You coming with me?” Stetson addressed Carter.
“Um yah,” Carter could barely get the words out of his mouth as he half skipped half ran to the truck as Stetson put the gear in drive.
They sat in silence as the blue truck traveled down the mountain. Carter started to roll down the window before worrying about whether Stetson would want that. Maybe he should ask him, he thought.
“Is it OK if I roll down the window?”
Stetson didn't even look over, much less answer. There was nothing but silence between them. That Stetson wouldn't even bother answering him was bothersome to Carter, who wondered why Stetson hated him. He didn't even know him!
Carter rolled the window down anyway as the wind pushed back his hair, revealing his forehead.
They pulled into the hardware store where a crowd of people were migrating from the local flea market. Stetson put the car in park and slammed the door to the truck, leaving Carter to wonder whether he even wanted him to follow after. He rolled up the window and sat there in anger for a few moments. Through the window he could Stetson stop at the door of the store, as he stood awkwardly waiting for Carter to get out of the car and follow him inside.
He followed behind Stetson in lock step down the narrow aisles as he searched for the right tool for the job. They went down the aisle toward the nails, walking faster and faster until Stetson stopped.
“Damn,” he said.
“What is it?” Carter asked.
Stetson once again didn't answer.
“Sir can I help you find something?” the clerk behind Carter asked. Stetson finally looked up over Carter's shoulder at the clerk behind him.
“Phillips head. You got 'em?”
“Yes sir, one aisle over, right here hanging off the edge of this clip.”
Stetson moved past Carter in the narrow aisle and his hand brushed over Carter's thigh. The place where his hand touched stung with chemistry. Carter's penis began growing ever so slightly.
“Not here,” Carter thought. “Not here of all places.” He dreaded having to hide his erection in front of Stetson.
He followed Stetson to the register, putting his hands on the counter, child-like, as he watched Stetson pull out the cash from his back pocket. Several people were laughing through the window loudly. But the laughs turned very quickly into screams. The screams grew more in number, and it became clear there was something the matter going on outside. The screams triggered the same panic Carter had felt the night he lost Maddox. Those moments, which had plagued Carter in the months after the trauma, thankfully had grown smaller in frequency by the time he'd moved in with Jaylon. But this was noticeably more alarming, and he could see people fighting outside the door as he forgot about Stetson for the moment and walked out of the store. The panic he felt grew horrible when he caught the sight of a familiar black-haired, green-eyed devil. It was, of all the people he could meet, Jaidon Marsh.
VI
This time the group was far less static, because the townspeople hated Jaidon Marsh. Two boys were fighting him, and he was beating the shit of them. When he finally had them down for the count, he looked up at the crowd.
“You got anymore, bitches!?”
The group backed off, now somewhat frightened. Jaidon brandished that same familiar glimmering piece of metal from his pocket. He locked eyes with Carter and instantly recognized him.
“Well if it isn't that little bitch. How's your boy? He six feet under? You're about to join him.” This time, Jaidon didn't even waste any time with small talk and barreled in Carter's direction. Before he came close enough to cause any harm, though, a giant hand grabbed Jaidon's knife out from his hand and knocked his lights out.
Stetson came to Carter's rescue this time.
He crushed Jaidon's fingers with the immense power of his paw.
“Oh God stop. It hurts.”
“I'm gonna say this once boy. So you listen good. If you so much as look at that kid again I'll come find you and finish this here hand and whatever else you got to crush. You hear? I know you and your kind. You don't know me and you don't want to neither.”
Jaidon had tears of frustration running down his cheeks. He nodded quickly, then Stetson let him go. Jaidon ran off wailing in pain.
For the first time, Stetson looked in Carter's eyes.
On the drive home, they again sat in silence. There was a different air, though. Before Carter wondered if Stetson hated him, but now he could tell instead the silence indicated something a little more affectionate on Stetson's part. He was protective of Carter. So he knew he could roll down the window without worrying about offending Stetson.
“Why'd you do that?” Carter asked.
“Do what,” Stetson said.
“Help me.”
“You needed it,” Stetson said. He spit in his dip cup without saying anything more.
Later that night, Stetson, Jaylon and Carter sat around the kitchen table of the cabin eating chicken fajitas in silence. Stetson got up and went out on the back porch to dip his snuff and watch the stars.
“Well I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted,” Jaylon said. He got up and shut the door to his bedroom, leaving the dishes to Carter to clean up, like usual.
Carter looked out the back window at Stetson's silhouette. He debated on whether he should just go to bed like the past nights, or whether he should try to strike up a conversation with Stetson. If the past week was anything of a prediction, the bed was the only choice that made sense. But he couldn't figure out what about his past Stetson was hiding or why he refused to speak to Carter. Sometimes people do the opposite of what they want to do, so that others won't know they want to do them, he thought.
He got up, walked to the back door, and put his hand on the doorknob, his erection growing with every step. He couldn't help himself, there was something so magnetic and forbidden about the guy, and he couldn't not try to figure him out. Carter took a deep breath and opened the door.