J
enna watched Lucas from the corner of her eye as they drove through downtown Hanover Falls. The town was dead on this Christmas afternoon, and her heart felt a little the same.
In many ways this had been the sweetest Christmas she could ever remember. The way Luc’s family had drawn her in and made her feel that she belonged. Sharing kisses with this man beside her—kisses that melted her, just thinking about them now.
Just outside of town he turned onto a dirt road and drove a quarter of a mile before pulling off onto a wooded lane. He eased the pickup under a copse of leafless trees and cut the engine.
She looked through the windshield at their secluded surroundings and gave him a wry grin. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you brought me out here for more of what created the need for this talk in the first place.”
“Don’t tempt me, woman.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and scooted to lean his back against the door, stretching his bum leg out over the console.
She unfastened her own seatbelt and angled herself to face him.
“So … what are we going to do?” He looked at her as if she were a child who’d misbehaved and he was burdened with deciding her punishment.
But she knew what he meant. “About us, you mean.”
Lucas nodded.
“Well, we can’t keep going on like this.”
“The kissing, you mean?” Was that a smile behind his eyes?
She glared at him. “I can’t ever tell if you’re being serious or if you’re just joking around.”
“About the kissing? Oh, I’m dead serious about the kissing, Jenna Morgan.”
Oh dear. What had she gotten herself into? “No, Luc. Not about the kissing, about—”
“Wait, Jenna.” He shifted in his seat, bumped his knee on the steering wheel, and winced. “Something’s got to give. Every time we get together, we wind up the same way, which suits me just fine, by the way. But then you back off like a scared rabbit, and I am clueless about where I stand with you.”
“Luc—I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I didn’t think—” She wasn’t making a bit of sense and she knew it. “It’s just that—”
“Whoa, whoa. Hang on …
what’s
your fault?”
“The kissing,” she squeaked.
“No.” He wagged his head. “No, the kissing is definitely my fault. What I want to know is whose fault is the running away? And why does this have to be anybody’s
fault
? Can’t we just enjoy it and see where it leads?”
So there it was. “Luc, look at me. I’m sponging off my best friend, I’m up to my eyeballs in debt, I barely have enough money to pay my bills, let alone rent an apartment. I don’t have the first clue what I’m going to do with my life … who I even am. I’m not ready for … kissing.”
“And look at me,” he countered. “At least you
have
a job. I seem to be doomed to live life on crutches … or in PT. For all I know, I’ll never get my job back.” He closed his eyes and a deep shadow passed over his face. “I’m sorry, Jen. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I can never offer you what Zachary could. I didn’t mean to try to lure you in. …”
She smiled at him, loving him like crazy in that moment. Yet knowing what they’d both said was true. They had nothing to offer each other right now. Except maybe empathy. “Maybe what we both need right now is just a friend. Can we just be that for each other? For now?”
He shook his head. “I want more, Jenna. I want a house in the country, and I want to fill it with babies and a dog and a cat or two. And I think”—he looked at her as if he were about to dive into an icy lake—“I think I want all that with
you
. Is that so terrible to admit?”
“A … dog?” She could barely breathe.
He laughed. “The dog is negotiable.”
But it wasn’t the part about a dog that made her breath catch. Lucas wanted babies. After all he’d sacrificed, was it fair to ask him to give up a dog and babies, too?
She’d never told him about the second miscarriage. She’d never told
anyone
. It had happened on the first day of December. One month to
the day after Zachary died. Spontaneous abortion, her doctor termed it, which made it sound more ominous than ever. And yet with Zach gone and her future so uncertain, she’d felt mostly relief.
Mostly.
Except for the guilt that she’d never told her husband she was pregnant again. Maybe she should have felt guilty that she hadn’t told his parents either. But what purpose would that have served? They’d already lost their son, their only child. Her revelation would only have made their grief deeper. Wouldn’t it?
And there’d been no reason for her doctors to explore the reasons she’d lost the baby. “These things happen. It’s not something to worry about now,” Dr. Harrison had said. But what if she could
never
carry a baby to term?
“Did you hear me?” Luc’s voice cut through her thoughts. “I said dogs were negotiable.”
“Can we just be friends for a while, Lucas?”
His expression changed. “Uh-oh … I know a brush-off when I hear one.”
She hated that she’d taken the light from his eyes. “No. I really want to be friends. When we—when we both get our lives figured out, then we’ll talk about … dogs.”
“And kissing?”
She held up a hand. “One step at a time.”
“Okay, okay.” The spark came back to his eyes a little, flecking his irises with gold.
She was pretty sure her own eyes reflected that same spark.
She followed his line of vision and her heart sank.
30
Friday, January 16
J
enna pulled up to the drive-through window and hurriedly endorsed the back of the paycheck she’d just picked up at Hanson’s. She handed it to the cashier along with a deposit slip, trying to contain the smug smile that wanted to come.
This was her third payday since she’d started working, and thanks to Bryn’s generosity at putting her up rent-free, Jenna had money in the bank, even after paying twice her minimum payment on each of her credit cards this month. It wasn’t a fortune and it wouldn’t go far—and she couldn’t even let herself think about the money she owed Zach’s parents—but it was a start. And there was more where that came from. Mr. Iverson had told her he’d give her some overtime hours if she wanted them. That paid time-and-a-half. She was working late tonight in fact, even though right now she felt her time might be best spent looking for a job that paid more. Of course, she hadn’t said that to Mr. Iverson.
With the money safely deposited and a little cash in her wallet, she headed to the newspaper office to pick up a copy of the
Hanover Falls Courier
. The weekly paper’s classifieds had yielded little in the way of rentals or jobs, and she was already a day late getting this week’s edition. No doubt if there’d been anything good in there, it would have been snapped up by now, but she had to at least check.
She was starting to fear she might have to move to Springfield to find a job that paid a decent wage. She’d have more to choose from for housing in the city, too. But she didn’t want to leave the Falls. And Lucas Vermontez was the reason why.
More than three weeks had gone by since she’d told him she just wanted to be friends. When they were together he was a perfect gentleman. But that was just the problem. She didn’t
want
him to be. She was falling for him, hard. And more and more the things that had made it seem impossible for them to be together were fading away.
Her cell phone chirped from her purse, and she fished blindly until she found it. Bryn. “Hello?”
“Hey, Jen.” Bryn sounded breathless.
“Is everything okay?”
“Fine. Listen, I can’t talk long, but I wanted to let you know about this before somebody else grabbed it. Garrett just told me one of the teachers he works with has a place to rent out in the country. I’m not trying to make you feel pressured to get out or anything, but I know you’ve been looking and Garrett said they’re only asking $350 a month for this place. Oh, and they’d probably only require one month’s deposit since Garrett knows you.”
“Wow. Are you serious?” She hesitated. “Is it cheap because it’s a dump?” Not that she could be picky …
“I honestly don’t know. I’m just relaying what Garrett said. But if you want to go look at it, I just happen to have the keys.”
“Really?” This was getting interesting. “Are you at work?”
“I’m headed there now. I wish I could go with you to look at it, but if you can meet me in front of the library in a few minutes, you can have the keys. And I’ll give you directions.”
“Sure! I’m three minutes away right now. How far out of town is it?”
“A mile and a half. Out on the old refinery road. You know where that is, right?”
“I think so. I’ll be right there.” She flipped her phone shut, excitement fluttering in her chest. She’d just deposited the equivalent of two months’ rent in the bank. She could afford this place! And not just an apartment, but a house in the country.
She glanced in the rearview mirror and laughed at the goofy grin on her face. “Somebody pinch me,” she said to her reflection.
On a whim she grabbed her phone again and dialed Lucas. Since Christmas they’d met for coffee at Java Joint a couple of times, but those evenings had been too much of a temptation for both of them—by Luc’s own admission—to repeat what had happened at Christmas. So mostly they talked on the phone or volleyed lighthearted e-mails back and forth. She wondered if he looked forward to those exchanges as much as she did. Lucas was becoming one of the best friends she’d ever had. But it was too hard to be “just friends” with a man when all you wanted to do was find a way to be in his arms, to have him kiss you …
She made herself put the brakes on that train of thought. She just wanted his advice, and someone along for moral support. His phone rang four times before voice mail kicked in. She glanced at the clock on the dashboard. Almost four. He was probably still at PT, but she could swing by before she headed out to the rental and see if he was home yet. It made her a little nervous to think about going alone into an empty house in the country. What if someone thought she was breaking in?
After picking up the keys from Bryn, she drove by the Vermontez
home. Luc’s pickup was in the driveway and the gate to the backyard was open. She heard his voice—and Sparky’s barking—as soon as she got out of the car.
She went through the gate and spotted Lucas leaning against the huge oak tree that shaded the lawn. Hands tucked into faded Levi’s, he was putting Sparky through his paces. His cane was propped against the trunk of the tree, and for a moment Jenna almost forgot his need for it. The man was definitely easy on the eyes.
He tossed a baton twenty feet in front of him, and Sparky dashed to retrieve it, then trotted back to accept Luc’s words of praise. Lucas sat on his haunches and took Sparky’s huge head between his hands. “Good boy! That’s my good doggy, yes, it is,” he cooed, scratching behind Sparky’s floppy ears and hugging the dog as if it were a beloved child.
Hints of this softer side of Lucas always came out when he was with Sparky, but he usually seemed a little guarded in Jenna’s presence. Now he spoke in a tone of total love and acceptance, the way he might have spoken to a child he cherished.
Or a woman.
Tempted to slink away before he saw her, she cleared her throat loudly.
He looked up, surprise in his expression. “Jenna! Hi. What’s up?”
She held up the keys. “You don’t want to go for a little drive, do you?”
“Where to?” He gave Sparky a pat on the head and held out a palm. “Stay, boy.” The dog immediately went down on his hindquarters, tail twitching, watching his master.
Lucas struggled to his feet and took a step toward her, blanching as his left leg hitched. Looking self-conscious, he reached behind him for the cane.
Wanting to save him the distance, she closed the gap between them, picking her way over the uneven lawn, praying Sparky would stay where he was. She still wasn’t 100 percent in love with the dog.
She told Lucas about the rental. “I wondered if you’d go out there with me. Just to look at the place.”
“Sure. Let me shut the gate. You want me to drive? That way Sparky could come.” He winked at her, but she could tell he was serious.
“Fine, but I call shotgun.”
He laughed. “You got it. Let me shut the gate, and I’ll meet you at the truck.”
From her safe perch in the passenger seat, she watched him latch the gate, then put the tailgate down on the truck for Sparky. The dog jumped in and trotted up to peer in the back windshield at her.
Lucas climbed in the cab and started the engine. “So you found a place, huh?”
“Maybe.” She couldn’t control the smile that forced its way to her face, so she quit trying. She relayed the directions Bryn had given her and they headed out of town.
“You sure you want to live in the country?”
“Why not?”
“Boogeymen. Rattlesnakes. Wolves,” he said with a straight face.
“There are no wolves in Missouri.”
He gave her a look that said maybe there were.
She narrowed her eyes. “You’re just trying to scare me.”
“Okay, no boogeymen. But there are coyotes.”
“Would you stop?” She looked up to see a mailbox in front of a long angled driveway. “Hey, I think this might be it.”
He slowed the truck and waited while she checked the name on the box.
“This is it.”
He gunned the engine and started up the steep drive. “Where’s the house?”
“Bryn said it’s set a ways back from the road. I know this is the right place.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned forward, watching through the windshield as they bumped up the wooded drive.
The property was beautiful—secluded and peaceful. “It
is
kind of out in the boonies, isn’t it?” She turned 360 degrees and only saw one farmstead within walking distance. The talk of boogeymen and coyotes made her imagine how it would look out there after dark.
But Lucas looked taken with the place. “It’s perfect. Far enough out that you get the quiet, but close enough you could practically walk into town if you needed to.”