Forever and Always (11 page)

Did she need protection? Or did she just want someone by her side?

Tired of all this fruitless thinking, Sibyl turned down the wick on the lamp in the parlor and picked up the smaller lamp on the hall table. She ascended the stairs with slow but firm steps. Norman's death had turned her life upside down, had forced her to assume responsibilities for which she was unprepared, but she wasn't going to back away. She had something of great value that she'd never had before—control of her own life. It might take a while to learn how to manage it, but she intended to make the most of it.

* * *

Logan absently rubbed the dog's head. A week ago, he'd waked to find Trusty sleeping next to him inside the tent. When he reached over to pat the dog, he responded by snuggling closer. From that moment on, the dog had never left his side until he got to the edge of town. At the end of the day, he was waiting for Logan in the same spot

“This is a nice place up here,” he said to Trusty. “Quiet, cool, and nobody to bother us.”

The dog moved closer to give Logan better access.

“You're a slut,” he told the dog. “You'll do anything for food and a little scratching. You gotta have more pride.”

Trusty whined, looked up with complete trust in his eyes.

“I know,” Logan said. “It's nice to have a friend, even if it's only for a little while.”

Is that how he felt about Sibyl—that she was a friend he would have only a little while? He knew better than to ask the question, but he'd decided not to be afraid of the answer. It was safe to let himself feel anything he wanted, imagine anything he could, hope for everything he lacked because no one would ever know about it.

“Except you,” he said to the dog. “It's good to have someone to talk to who won't argue or tell me I'm a fool. Outcasts deserve to have some of what we want even if it's only in our imaginations.”

Trusty's stare remained unbroken.

“Nobody's as good as you think I am,” Logan said. “I fed you because I had food I didn't need. I let you stay because you used to guard the camp before you started hanging out in town waiting for me to come home. You ought to stay here. Think of all the squirrels you could chase. You could even do the hunting. It would be nice to come home and find a couple of rabbits all ready for the cook pot.”

Trusty whined and smacked his lips.

Logan laughed. “I swear you know when I'm talking about food. Makes you hungry just to think about rabbits, doesn't it? It does sound pretty good. Maybe I'll—”

Pain and nausea struck together, causing Logan to double over with a groan. Forcing himself to move before he fouled his camp, he attempted to get to his feet only to stumble when a paralyzing pain gripped his body. Desperate to get away from his camp, he headed toward the stream. When he couldn't walk, he crawled on hands and knees. When that was no longer possible, he crawled on his belly. He could hear Trusty next to him, whining piteously, but he focused on reaching the stream.

Nausea overwhelmed him before he got there, but he kept going. By the time he reached the water's edge, he'd emptied his stomach of its contents. Glad for even that modicum of relief, Logan dropped his head into the water, relieved to wash the sour taste from his mouth. Even though it was summer, the water was deliciously cold. It did more to revive him than the gradual retreat of the nausea. Trusty was lying next to him when he finally raised his head. The dog whined and crawled closer.

“Not ready to give up on me yet, huh?”

The dog's anxious whine moved Logan more than human commiseration could have.

“Thanks for the concern, but I'm afraid there's not much either of us can do about it.” He sat up, but his head spun so rapidly he didn't try to get to his feet right away. “I hope you know how embarrassing this is. I'm only letting you stay because I know you can't tell anyone. I feel weak as a baby.”

Logan came to his hands and knees before he was able to stand using a nearby tree for support. His legs were shaky, but he managed to get back to his tent and cleaned himself up and changed clothes. “I'm going to have to do laundry,” he said to the dog, then laughed. “Wouldn't Bridgette love to see me washing clothes in the creek in this wilderness? She'd take it as proof that I'm the low-class foundling she always thought me to be. Maybe I'll throw everything away and buy some new clothes. It's not like I'm going to have a lot of use for my money.”

He dug out his medicine and took a dose.

“I don't know why I bother,” he told Trusty. “It doesn't make me any better, but maybe it'll help me live a little longer.” His laugh was bitter. “Live longer so I can regret I missed the chance to marry a woman like Sibyl Spencer. I haven't told you about Sibyl, have I?”

Fortunately Trusty wasn't able to tell him he'd talked about little else.

“She's beautiful. I know a man of character wouldn't be overawed by a woman's looks, but he would if he saw Sibyl. If there's such a thing as a perfect woman, it's Sibyl. I would describe her physical attributes, but I don't want to cause you to blush. Let's just say they're enough to cause a man to get down on his knees and thank God for making him a man. Yet she dresses modestly and behaves as though she's an ordinary woman. I don't think she has any mirrors in her house. Do you think we should buy her one?”

Trusty shook his head to rid himself of a mosquito.

“You're right. She's not the kind of woman to preen in front of a mirror or spend time worrying about whether others think she's attractive. She's more concerned with her daughter, the fate of the bank and its employees, and her family. Sometimes I think she worries about me, too.” He looked at the dog. “You probably think I'm fooling myself.”

Trusty didn't move a muscle.

“Okay, don't say anything, but I can guess what you're thinking. Who'd spend even five minutes worrying about a man who spoke as little as possible, avoided people when he could, kept getting sick, and who looked scary enough to give people nightmares? But that's exactly the kind of thing Sibyl would do. Sometimes I swear she looks right past my face to what she thinks she sees inside. Don't ask me what she sees that makes her worry about me. I never thought there was anything about me to attract a woman but looks and money. When I lost one and gave up the other, I expected to die forgotten and alone. That's part of why I came west. I never really thought I'd find my brothers. I'd even decided I wouldn't look for them. Instead, I believe I've found both brothers and a woman I could love. My father used to say,
What one hand gives, the other can take away.
Doesn't seem fair, does it? Is that what happened to you? Did you start out with someone who loved you and end up with someone who'd rather kick you than give you a scratch?”

Trusty wiggled forward until he could lick Logan's hand. It brought tears to Logan's eyes.

“If we ever run across the son of a bitch, I hope you rip his heart out. Now I'm through feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't do any good, and I have to go to work tomorrow and act like nothing's wrong. We'll keep this between the two of us, okay? People in Cactus Corner are really nice. They'll be concerned and ask if there's anything they can do, but they'll be relieved when I say
thank you, but I'm fine
. There's no point in saying anything else. There's nothing anybody can do.”

Logan crawled into his tent and lay down on top of his sleeping bag. The evening temperature was perfect for sleeping, not too hot and not too cold. He'd hardly gotten settled when Trusty crawled into the tent and lay down beside him.

“You're hot,” Logan complained. “Why don't you sleep outside? That way you could watch for bears.”

Trusty shifted his body so he could be a little closer to Logan.

Logan reached over and put his hand on the dog's back. Then with a smile no one would ever see, he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

“That horse bucked and jumped every which way he could,” Logan said to his attentive audience. “Squealing like somebody was taking his hide off a piece at a time, he went to bucking, spinning, fishtailing—”

“What's fishtailing?” Kitty asked.

“It's sorta like his head's going in one direction, and his rear is going another.”

“How can a horse do that?”

“Who cares?” Peter complained. “Did your pa fall off?”

“No,” Logan said.

“Did he get away from those bandits?” Little Abe asked.

“He might not have,” Logan told him, “but all that ruckus—especially the squealing—got the other horses so riled up the bandits couldn't catch them. He was able to run off the horses so the bandits couldn't follow him. He caught a couple, which he sold later.”

“My pa could do that,” Peter said. “He's got this big old horse he won't let anybody ride, but I bet I could.”

“You come near that horse, Peter Blaine, and Pa will take your hide off an inch at a time,” Esther warned her brother.

“I'm not going to mess with that old horse, but I
could
ride him,” Peter insisted. “Now come on. Ma said if we were late for lunch, we'd have to stay inside all afternoon. I'm not staying cooped up inside for nobody.”

Peter ran off. Esther and Little Abe followed, but Kitty stayed behind. “Did your father really ride that horse?”

Logan tried not to smile. “Do you think I make up stories?”

“I don't know. I think Uncle Colby can do all those things, but Aunt Naomi says there's nobody else as good as Uncle Colby in the whole world.”

“I'm sure my pa wasn't as good as your Uncle Colby, but he did ride that horse, and he did capture two of the bandits' horses, which he sold later.”

“I suppose it's okay to take bandits' horses. They're not nice people. They killed my father.” A furrowed brow indicated Kitty wasn't entirely sure of herself.

“It's good to take horses away from bandits,” Logan said. “That stops them from doing bad things to people.”

“I wish somebody had taken the horses from the bandits who killed my father.”

Logan had never seen any sign that Kitty missed her father. The other children all called their fathers
Pa
, but Kitty always said
my father
. From the things Cassie said—and she said a great deal—Norman hadn't loved anyone but himself. Logan didn't understand how any father could not love Kitty. She was as pretty as a picture, and as sweet as could be. She seemed shyer than the other children, but she had backbone. Not even Peter could run over her.

“You'd better catch up with the others,” Logan said. “I don't want you to be late for lunch.”

“I don't mind staying inside. If I offer to play with baby Annabelle, Aunt Naomi will read to me. Annabelle will cry if Jonathan doesn't want to play with her. She was named for Aunt Naomi's mother.”

Another name he didn't know. Logan wondered what it would have been like to live in a village where people knew everyone who'd lived there during the last hundred years. “Still, you'd better hurry. Your lunch will be cold.”

“Your lunch was cold,” she said. “Wasn't it good?”

“It was fine, but it doesn't matter what an old man like me eats. You're young. You need lots of good, warm food so you'll grow up big and strong.”

“Will it make me grow up like Peter?”

Logan chuckled. “No. You'll grow up to be just like your mother. Now run away. I have to go back to work.”

“I'll see you tomorrow.”

“I'll be waiting here as usual.”

Kitty turned to go, but instead of walking or running, she skipped. There was something about skipping that made it seem like the child hadn't a care in the world. Logan had never felt like that. He wondered if he ever could.

“I've been wondering what you did when you disappeared down this ravine. Now I know.”

The sound of an unexpected voice caused Logan to spin around. Sibyl had stepped from behind one of the large boulders some ancient flood had washed down from the Rim above. He flushed from embarrassment.

“Peter and Esther like my stories,” Logan explained. “Their father doesn't like to talk about his experiences, so they get to imagine all the things he's done by listening to me.”

“What about Kitty? Does she also crave excitement?”

Logan wasn't sure how to answer. “She listens, but I think she's more concerned about my health. She studies me very carefully each day.”

Sibyl's smile slid away. “She's worried about you just like the rest of us. She's afraid you're going to die.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her I hoped not because you're a very nice man, and we're all very fond of you.”

Fond
seemed such a miserably insignificant word when he wanted something much stronger. He knew better than to hope, but knowing better couldn't stop him wanting. It was a cruel trick of fate that something he'd never missed had become the one thing he wanted most.

“You shouldn't waste your time on me. One of these mornings, I won't show up at the bank because I'll be gone.”

Sibyl moved closer. “I hope not before saying good-bye. We'll miss you.”

She stood in the dappled shade of a towering cottonwood. Its rustling leaves caused light and shadow to play across her face, making it difficult to see her expression. He wanted to look away but couldn't. He was fearful of what he would see—or what he wouldn't.

“I was never going to be here long. If I hadn't entered the bank when I did, you'd never have known I existed.”

“That doesn't matter now.”

“Why?”

“Because I do know you exist. So does Kitty. And Cassie. And Horace. And half the children in town.”

“They'll forget me soon enough.” He'd never worried that people might not remember him, so why should it bother him now?

“We never forget people we come to know and like, even when they disappear from our lives. They become part of who we are, what our lives have been.”

Logan didn't want to be responsible for anyone's sense of loss, even if it was brief and painless. If this was how Sibyl felt after such a brief acquaintance, it was all the more reason not to reveal himself to his brothers. Still, he liked the idea that someone would remember him if only briefly. Maybe it was only natural to want to leave some trace of having been on this earth. Bridgette would remember him, but it would be with anger. Peter would remember his stories. Kitty would remember his illness. Trusty would remember him because he fed him, but how would Sibyl remember him?

“I will remember you because you saved my life,” Sibyl reminded him. “Every mother with a child in the street the other day will remember you, too.”

“It was Cassie who—”

Sibyl came closer. “You can object all you want, but we know what we saw. No one has been louder in declaring you a hero than Cassie.”

“
I'm not a hero!
” He hadn't meant to shout. “It's not heroic to do what any other person who was standing where I was would have done.”

“I couldn't have done it. Half the men in this town can't run fast enough or aren't strong enough. The fact that you could do both while being so sick is amazing. You'll have our eternal gratitude whether you want it or not.”

Logan felt some of the steam go out of his anger. “I don't know how I did it. I just know I couldn't let anything happen to those children.”

“That's because you love them.”

“I don't…I can't—” He couldn't think of anything to say. Did he love those children? Could he love anyone after such a short acquaintance? Did he even know what love was? He'd always thought he loved his father, but might it have been gratitude and admiration instead?

“You can't convince me you don't love those children,” Sibyl said, “not after I saw the way you looked at them.”

“I've never been around children,” Logan said. “I didn't know what to do with them. They asked too many questions. That's why I started telling them stories. Kitty wanted to take me to the doctor that first day.” He smiled at the memory. “She offered to go with me so I wouldn't get lost.”

“She worries about you. We all do.”

“Don't. Everything that can be done for me is being done.” He gathered up the remainder of his lunch. “It's time I went back to work.”

Sibyl didn't move. “Why do you work so hard? It's not like I'm paying you or that you're in danger of losing your job.”

“I like having something to do. Working in a bank is something I've never done. I find it interesting.”

“What have you done?”

“Nothing important. I worked for my father.”

“What kind of work?”

“Anything he needed done.”

“You're not going to tell me, are you?”

“Why do you want to know? I'll vanish as suddenly as I appeared. In a couple of years you'll hardly remember I was here.”

“There are reasons why that will never happen, but there's no need to repeat them. I didn't follow you just to spy on you. I have a request for a rather large loan. I'd like your opinion on what to do about it.”

“You don't need my opinion.”

“Maybe not, but I would like it. You may find it difficult to accept, but I value your opinion. You have a greater knowledge of the world of finance than I do. I want to succeed on my own, but I don't want to jeopardize mine and Kitty's futures.”

“Is it that big?”

“No, but it's large enough that I feel like it is.”

Logan couldn't help but feel sorry for Sibyl. After spending her whole life dealing with sums that rarely exceeded ten dollars, she was now faced with requests for loans that ran to the tens of thousands of dollars. That would be enough to cause any normal person to panic. “I'll help you as much as I can, but the final decision will have to be yours.”

Sibyl seemed to relax. “I know that. I know nothing about the business this loan is for. Despite your attempts to claim otherwise, I think you do.”

It was getting harder and harder to keep his distance from Sibyl. There were so many things he wanted her to know. That he thought she was the most beautiful, admirable, and courageous woman he'd ever met. That she shouldn't be afraid of freedom, that rather she should embrace it. That she should never invest all her energy in her work, or she would end up looking back on a life full of barren years. That she should hold close to family and friends because freedom from connection to others was a form of slow death.

You just didn't know it until it was too late.

He wanted to tell her how much he wanted to reach out to his brothers, how much he'd missed by not having children, how he'd been given a glimpse of what life could mean just as his own was drawing to a close. He wanted to tell her that he thought he might love her, something he'd never said to another human being, not even his father.

But he would say none of that. He didn't have the right.

“I'll do what I can, but your family probably knows more about the man's business than I will.”

“I'll talk with them, but I still want to go over it with you. I'll walk back with you unless you're afraid of being seen with a widow.”

He wondered if she'd sensed his slight hesitation. “I don't mind if you don't.”

Sibyl's gaze softened. “I'm proud to be seen with you. I doubt there's a finer man in all of Cactus Corner.”

If he'd met Sibyl earlier in his life, he might have had a chance of becoming the man she thought him to be. He wasn't a hero, and he wasn't fearless. He simply wasn't afraid of death.

* * *

“Whose idea was it to open a teller's window at Camp Verde?” Naomi asked.

“Logan's,” Sibyl replied. “You didn't think I'd come up with an idea like that, did you?”

“Why not?”

“Because I was so afraid of being responsible for the bank, I couldn't think. How would you feel if you were faced with a business you knew nothing about?”

“I'd run straight to Colby,” Naomi confessed with a laugh. “Why didn't you?”

“Because he wasn't here. Besides, he's the biggest investor in your bank.”

“Community Bank isn't
our
bank.”

“You're the biggest investor, and your father and brother run it. It's
your
bank.”

“You still could have asked any one of us. We'd have been glad to help.”

Sibyl couldn't describe the tangle of emotions or explain the complex feelings that had kept her from asking anyone for help.

“By the time I was ready to tackle the job, Logan was there to help. I don't know what I would have done without him.”

“For a man who materialized out of nowhere, he certainly has made a strong impression on this town. I wish we knew more about him.”

“I do, too, but he seems determined to protect his past.”

“Doesn't that make you nervous?”

Sibyl's laugh sounded nervous, even to her. “It probably should, but it doesn't. Every time I tell myself I must be crazy, I remember that Cassie trusts him as well. I know all of us sometimes wonder if Cassie isn't a little bit crazy, but her instincts are never wrong. Besides, all the children adore him. Kitty keeps asking me if he's going to die.”

“I wish he'd see Papa.”

“I do, too, but he says all that can be done is being done.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don't know. Maybe he has some medicine up at that camp.”

“From what I can tell, he's not getting any better.”

“No. He's getting worse.”

“Does he have any family? Who are we to notify if he dies?”

“I don't know, but he keeps saying he won't be here long. I get the feeling he'll leave before that happens.”

“Where will he go? Who'll take care of him?”

“I don't know that anybody will.”

“Well, we can't let that happen. He may be a stranger, but this town owes him a debt of gratitude. We won't let him die alone. You've got to convince him to stay with us.”

Naomi had the bit between her teeth. Once she made up her mind, there wasn't much that could stop her. Sibyl would talk to Logan, but she didn't know that she could convince him to change his mind. She hoped he would. She wouldn't put it past Naomi to tie him to his sickbed.

“I'll talk to him, but he's not very persuadable.”

“If you can get him interested in more projects like the office in Camp Verde, he might forget about leaving. What are you going to do about opening an office there? Who would run it if you did?”

“We haven't made any definite plans yet. I'm going to drive up there tomorrow and—”

Naomi made no attempt to hide her shock and disapproval. “You can't go to an army camp. It's too dangerous. There's still a threat from renegade Indians. Besides, a woman alone has no business in an army camp.”

“Logan is going with me.”

“We're worried the man could take to his deathbed any minute, and you're depending on him to protect your life and your honor? Have you gone mad?”

Sibyl couldn't help but laugh. “Have you forgotten the time you rode out in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm to look for our missing mules and oxen? Your father was scared to death, and Colby was livid, but you didn't back down from either one.”

Naomi had the decency to look abashed. “Okay, maybe that wasn't the smartest thing I ever did, but Colby used to make me so mad I'd do anything to prove him wrong.”

“Well, I'm not fighting mad or trying to prove anyone wrong, but if I'm going to consider opening an office at the camp, I've got to see it for myself and talk to the commanding officer.”

“Ask Jared to do it. The camp was his last army posting.”

“I need to do it myself.”

“At least talk to him. He might be able to tell you all you need to know.”

“Logan says it's unwise to make any business decision without learning everything you can firsthand.”

It was obvious Naomi wasn't pleased. “I'm beginning to think you're placing too much reliance in Logan and his opinions.”

“Norman used to say the same thing. How many times have you heard people complain that he wanted to know things that were none of his business? As obnoxious as he was, he didn't make bad business decisions.”

“Why don't you wait until Colby can go with you? He goes to the camp all the time.”

“Do you wait for Colby to come home before you make decisions?”

“Of course not. If I did, nothing would ever get done.”

“Did Laurie ask our permission before she took the job on Jared's ranch?”

“No, but she should have.”

“If she had, we'd have told her not to go, and she'd have missed falling in love with the perfect man for her.”

“This is different.”

“So you're saying it's all right for you and Laurie to make your own decisions, but not for me. Why not? Do you think the two of you are smarter than I am?”

“Of course not. You're probably smarter than either one of us.”

“So what's wrong with me?”

“Nothing. You're beautiful, and sweet, and I adore you.”

Sibyl didn't feel mollified. “But you don't think I can take care of myself?”

Naomi sighed and admitted defeat. “I think you're smart enough to do anything you make up your mind to do. I'm all for you opening an office at the camp, one in Preston, and in Tucson, if you want. I just don't want you to do anything dangerous.”

“Laurie drove to Jared's ranch every day.”

“But Steve was with her.”