Forever Baby (29 page)

I try to call Andres, but I get sent straight to voice mail. He’s probably practicing with the guys, getting ready for tonight’s show.
Great. I can just wait in anticipation for more pictures tomorrow.
I let out a long sigh.

I decide to text him instead of leaving a voice mail. I know that my voice would come off as whiny and needy at the moment, and that’s never good for keeping a guy. Yes, a text is my best bet.

Me: Hey, babe. Just wanted to see how you are doing. I miss you. Hope you have a good night. Talk with you soon. Love you. xoxoxo

I have less than four months until I see Andres again. I need to keep the crazy in check until then. I am being ridiculous and overly dramatic, and I know it. I simply can’t help it. It is not fair that any random girl in Spain can get all close to Andres and touch him. It doesn’t matter that it is for a photo. Girls are feeling his firm arms wrapped around them, and I’m not. Jealousy doesn’t begin to explain my feelings. Not only do they get to touch him, but he is also touching them—with a smile on his face.

I know what Andres and I had…but what do we have now?
Is our love strong enough to last through this time apart and all of the insecurities it brings?
I feel myself unraveling, and it has only been a month, but it has been one lonely month. I have four more to go. I am hoping and praying that I can make it.

I walk out of my last class on Thursday and immediately study my phone. I still have no messages.
Ah!
I haven’t heard from Andres in two days, and it is driving me batshit crazy. Two days with no word is nearly an eternity. Every minute without word feels like an hour. I am checking my phone like a manic person, and I’ve sent him way more messages than a normal person should. I shoot him yet another text.

Me: Hey, baby. Done with classes for the week. Heading out with Cara and Nolan tonight. Love you so much. Miss you. xoxo

The trees are bursting with colorful leaves in shades of green, yellow, orange, and red. Fall in Michigan is truly amazing. It is one of those seventy-degree October days, full of sunshine and warm winds carrying dancing multicolored leaves. Days like today are rare and special, and I look forward to them every year. Every fall, since I was young, I have made it a point to take note of these ideal fall days. Warm weather, sunshine, fresh wind, landscapes full of multiple tints of color create a recipe for heaven. On days like today, growing up, my mom would always let everyone know it was a perfect day. She would remind us to enjoy and be present the entire day, so we didn’t miss a minute of it. It’s a sentiment that I still carry with me. These days are precious and fleeting, and if one doesn’t soak in the astonishment of it, it will be missed. In the blink of an eye, all the leaves will be lying dead and brown on the ground. The tree branches will be bare, appearing lonely against the blue sky. Then, the torturously long and cold winter will set in, and one will wonder where the magnificent fall went.

Normally, days like today would have me giddy with joy. But today, I’m walking through campus under a cloud of sadness, not taking notice of my surroundings. Instead, I keep pulling the screen down with my thumb, refreshing my Facebook feed, hoping that the little red notification circle will appear, letting me know I have a new message.

Freshman year, I learned to design my class schedule to avoid Friday classes. I usually have longer days on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but it is completely worth it for a three-day weekend every week, which is beneficial for both my social and work life. Thursday nights are normally one of my favorite nights with college night at Theo’s, but I don’t have the slightest desire to go out tonight.

I round the corner, passing the bright green shack-like party store down the block from our house. I refresh my Facebook News Feed and immediately freeze as a photo of Andres pops up. My eyes open wide, staring at the picture. He is kissing some girl on the cheek, and her arms are draped around his neck. They are at a bar, and they both appear very happy, too happy. Andres’s posture appears comfortable, familiar. As I stare at the shot, I can’t help but get the impression that he knows this girl…well. My heart races as my brain scrambles to make sense of this image.
Why is he at a bar, kissing some girl? Why is he so happy? Is this why I haven’t heard from him?

I run the half block to the house and pound up the stairs, tears falling from my eyes. I shove open the door, causing the doorknob to slam into the wall, and I run down the hall, searching for Cara. I find her lying on her bed, her fingers clicking across her phone screen.

She looks up as if she fully expected her crying roommate to barge into her room. “Let me guess. You saw the picture he was tagged in?”

“You saw it? What the hell, Cara?” I choke out.

“I don’t know, Liv. Don’t freak until you talk to him. It is probably nothing.”

“Nothing? He is kissing another girl, and he looks pretty damn happy about it!” I yell.

“I know, sweetie, but don’t jump to conclusions until you talk to him. He is only kissing her on the cheek. He might have a reasonable explanation.”

“How can I ask him when he won’t even call me?” I lie down next to Cara on the bed. “I freaking hate this!”

I feel like I am on a merry-go-round of emotions. Just when I breathe easy because everything is going well with Andres, something happens to drag me back down. My heart can’t take all the ups and downs that go along with this long-distance dating crap. This constant state of uncertainty is driving me mad. I hate feeling like this all the time.

“He is probably fucking cheating on me!” I lay my arm across my eyes, willing myself to calm down.

“I know this situation blows, Liv. It sucks. Just wait until you talk to him. Don’t come to any conclusions until you speak to him. You know what is the perfect cure for what you are feeling?” Cara’s voice becomes all too cheerful.

“What?” I ask dryly, already knowing the answer.

“Shots! Followed by a fun night out!”

I laugh weakly. Cara’s cure for any situation is a night out. It has become a joke between us. Are you stressed about an upcoming test? Then, go drinking! Do you have horrible PMS? Then, go drinking! Are you less than pleased with your new haircut? Then, go drinking! Are you worried that your boyfriend is cheating on you? Then, go drinking!

“Besides, don’t think I didn’t notice your”—she lifts her hands to do air quotes—“perfect fall day.” She smiles at me. “You live for days like today, and look at you. Did you even realize how beautiful it is today? Normally, we would be out, taking a jog or doing our homework while sprawled under an oak tree at the park. Instead, you are inside, crying, and far from happy. Don’t let a guy rain on your parade, Livi. We never have before. Why start now? There is nothing you can do about it right at this moment. He’s not worth it.”

With a voice tainted in stark sadness, I ask, “But what if he is?” The tears pool in my eyes once more.

Sighing heavily, she answers, “He’s not! No man is worth this constant cloud of stress and gloom you have found yourself under for the past two months. This isn’t you, Liv! Now, go outside! Sit on the deck or take a nap in our backyard. I don’t know. Go be one with nature. Soak in the
perfection
,
and get happy.”

I took Cara’s advice and did my homework outside on a blanket in the backyard. After a nap in the sun and a long, hot shower, I feel the same sense of dread as I sit on my bed, glaring at my phone. I’m willing it to buzz with a response. I sent Andres a text, telling him to call me. Then, I texted Nadia and asked her who the girl in the photo was. It doesn’t appear that either one is going to respond at the moment.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

I raise my head to see Nolan smiling at me from the doorway.

“You know a watched pot never boils.”

“Hey,” I sigh.

He walks in and gives me a kiss on the forehead. “What’s bothering you, babe?”

“Oh, nothing—other than the fact that Andres is probably cheating on me,” I snap. “Ah, I can’t do this anymore!” I throw my phone on my bed. “Let’s go do some shots.”

I stand and grab Nolan’s hand, and we head to the kitchen.

We are met with Cara’s beaming smile as she is pouring vodka in the last shot glass. “Ready to do some shots, and forget you know anyone named Andres for the night?”

“Yes, please,” I say, picking up a shot glass.

We head to Theo’s, our favorite hole-in-the-wall bar. I am dancing with Cara and Nolan on the wooden dance floor in front of the bar. It is dollar-fifty pitcher night, and we are each drinking from our own pitcher of beer. Although I am not a fan of beer, after a handful of shots, the beer tastes like water anyway.

Cara is pulled away to dance with her new fling, Luke. I put my pitcher on the closest table, and I wrap my arms around Nolan’s neck, leaning my head against his chest. I am perfectly buzzed and carefree.

Mission accomplished.

Nolan’s arms are tightly wrapped around my waist. He pulls me in close and brings his head down, resting it on my shoulder. I feel him placing small kisses on my neck, and it feels good and comforting. He makes me feel loved and cared for, and I fully embrace that feeling after the stressful week that I have had. Our bodies meld into each other, and we continue to move to the music as one until I hear the DJ announcing last call.

“Hey, Livi!”

I pull away from Nolan to face Cara.

She is standing behind us, her fingers entwined with Luke’s. “I’m going to go to Luke’s tonight. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Nolan will walk me home. Have fun.” I smirk and lean in, giving her a hug.

“Ready, babe?” Nolan asks.

“Yes, let’s go.” I grin.

We make our way outside into the gorgeous fall night.

“Ugh, I can’t wait to get back. My feet are in severe pain. Why do killer heels actually kill your freaking feet? This is the price I pay to look this good.” I release a clipped laugh.

Nolan turns his back to me. “Hop on.”

I giggle as I jump onto his back. I wrap my arms around his neck, and my legs around his waist. He hikes my butt up, securing me with his hands. I laugh as he jogs the two blocks back to my house, jostling me all over the place, making my head spin slightly. He carries me on his back into my room and falls on his front onto my bed. I giggle as I roll off of him onto my back.

“God, Nolan, I love you.” I laugh and poke his side where I know his ticklish spot is.

He positions himself on his side, facing me, and when our eyes meet, he isn’t laughing. His gaze is intense, and I stop laughing. Nolan leans over me and places his mouth on mine. My body stiffens, and my heart races. He places several slow, sweet kisses on my mouth, and then he pulls away.

“I love
you
, Livi, more than you know.”

I inhale sharply, staring at him. I’m confused, and my head feels fuzzy. He leans in and kisses me gently on the mouth and my cheek. Then, he trails lingering kisses down my neck. I remain very still.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that I should tell him to stop, but I don’t. I can’t make my mouth say the words. In this moment, I am happy, and his kisses make me feel loved.

He kisses my chest and gently rubs his index finger around the outline of my breast peeking out at the top of my tank top. He trails his kisses back up my neck, and I melt when his mouth begins nibbling my ear.

I should stop this. I should totally stop this! What am I doing?

But I can’t make my mouth utter the words. I want this too much. This feeling of being wanted, the closeness—I need it.

My hands, finally moving, run through Nolan’s hair, relishing in the softness, and I pull lightly. Desire courses through my body. Every cell in me is starving to feel sensation—the kind that fills me up, makes me warm, calms my nerves, and brings me happiness. I need that release—so much. I am aching to feel him. It is a dull, painful ache, and I need him.

Anything and everything that isn’t Nolan leaves my mind. My brain is solely focusing on him. My hands grip his hair, and I pull his mouth to mine, kissing him fiercely. Our tongues are exploring—licking, tasting, entwining around one another in a sultry dance of longing. All his love and passion and the unspoken words that he wants me to hear are evident through this kiss.

He sucks on my lips and bites slightly. I moan into his mouth as every nerve ending in my body burns, lighting on fire, aching for more. He groans in response and pulls away, leaving my lips burning from his absence. He pulls my tank top off over my head and unbuttons my skinny jeans. I lift my hips as he pulls them down, taking them off along with my heels. His green eyes sear into me, only leaving me for a second when he pulls his shirt off. Dropping his jeans, he stands there in his tight boxers, and I grab the sheets as I squirm with anticipation. His hungry stare slowly takes in my body. I can see his chest expanding as he takes in deep breaths.

He leans over me once more. He slides my bra straps down my shoulders, following the path with sweet kisses. He reaches around my back with one hand and unsnaps my bra. He slowly pulls it off and drops it to the floor. He starts a slow crusade to suck, lick, and taste every inch of my breasts. I arch my back and lean my head back against the bed. I close my eyes and whimper. His touch is disarming and so incredible. He continues to pull and twist one of my nipples as his mouth pursues south down my belly. When he reaches the black lace at the top of my thong, he licks my skin around the perimeter of the fabric. I groan, and my hips move from side to side with eagerness. He pulls my thong down, letting it fall to the floor.