Forever Baby (36 page)

“Thanks, Julio. You remembered.”

Julio gives me his charming grin. “Of course I remembered your favorite drink, Liv. How are you doing?”

I can’t help but notice the sympathetic tone in his voice. I decide to go with honesty. “Well, I’ve been better…but it is great to see you three. I have honestly missed seeing you this week. It isn’t the same here without you guys.”

“Yeah, well, bad breakups tend to make things a little messy, don’t they?” Carlos responds.

“Carlos!” Nadia yells as she hits him on the arm. “Seriously?”

“What?” he asks. “It’s the truth.”

I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face. If Carlos is anything, it is truthful. “It’s okay. Yes, Carlos, breakups suck. Thanks for the reminder. I totally forgot.” I wink.

“That’s what I’m here for. Cheers.” He smirks as he leans his bottle of beer toward my glass, clinking them together.

“So, is Andres coming tonight?” I ask in as calm of a voice as I can muster.

“I doubt it,” Hugo answers. “He says he might show up, but I don’t expect him to.”

More guilt invades my body, knowing I am keeping Andres from celebrating New Year’s with his friends.

The guys keep my hand occupied with a full drink throughout the night, and I am grateful. My head is hazy, and I am thoroughly drunk. I feel warm, fuzzy, talkative, and loving. This becomes evident as I repeatedly tell Nadia and the guys how much I love them and have missed them.

Julio laughs. “You are so cute when you are tipsy, Livi. We have missed having you around, too.”

In my blurred mind, I have decided for the sake of my sanity—and so everyone else can enjoy the party without Debbie Downer sucking out their joy—I am convincing myself that it is circa six months ago when all was incredible in my world, when all was irrevocably perfect. Maybe in my warped faux reality, Andres is somewhere within the club, getting us drinks or on an extended restroom break, but wherever he is, he loves me, and we are happy. Just for tonight, with the help of sweet drinks infused with alcohol, I pretend to be in a happy place, and I enjoy my night with these great people whom I might never see again. I don’t see another trip to Spain in my future. In a future without Andres, what would be the point?

Nadia and I are dancing, our arms raised in the air. My eyes are closed as I sway to the music. Icona Pop’s “I Love It” starts blasting from the speakers, filling the club with positive energy. The chorus of the song resonates with my temporary upbeat vibe of the evening, and I belt out the lyrics.

Uninhibited, I bounce up and down on my stilettos as I scream along, “I don’t care! I love it! I don’t care! I love it!”

Nadia has joined me, and we sing and bounce together. The song ends, and I grip my stomach as I laugh. It’s a full-on belly laugh, and it feels so freeing.

Nadia excuses herself to go get a drink refill, and I contemplate following her when the little hairs on my arms rise, and a chill runs through my body. I wrap my hands across my chest and use them to rub up and down the opposite arm, warming the chill. As I turn, I see him. He is still, halfway between the entrance door and where I’m standing, frozen. I am riveted by this man’s exquisite beauty. He is so gorgeous, vulnerable, and simply sad as we stand, transfixed on one another.
God, I love him.

I lift my hand to my heart and raise it to my lips. Peeling my fingers from my lips, I blow him a kiss, and I hope he sees how much I need him. His eyes go wide in turn, and in a stunned silence, he bows his head and turns. With his hands in his pockets, seeming like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, he walks toward the exit and out the door.

I stand, motionless, on the dance floor, watching the entrance, silently imploring him to come back. I don’t know how long I am in this prayerful trance when I hear the countdown. It’s the goddamn New Year’s Eve countdown.
Fucking great.

Right when I think that my knees are going to give, allowing me to fall to the floor, I feel arms around me. I turn and see Julio, and I couldn’t be more grateful as I fling my arms around him and bury my face in his neck.

He squeezes me into a hug and whispers, “Happy New Year’s, Livi.”

Tears flow freely, falling on his shirt, as confetti descends around us. I faintly register the joyous music, party horns, and cheers exploding around me.

Julio rubs my hair. “It will be okay, Liv. You will see. You won’t feel like this forever.”

God, I pray he is right.

Seeing Nolan standing by his car—perfectly mouthwateringly gorgeous, eyes full of goodness and love with the face of an angel…a very hunky angel—my heart drops to the pit of my stomach, turning my already depressed mood into one of utter doom and gloom. I plaster on a grin as I walk forward and throw myself into his arms. He squeezes me tight, and I hug him. His arms around me lessen some of the sadness that has taken permanent residence in my soul, if only a little, but it is comforting, and I relish in his warmth until he breaks our contact.

Peering down at me, he kisses my mouth. He pulls his mouth from mine and as I gaze into his stunning green eyes, he says, “I have missed you so much, baby.”

I lean my face against his chest and hug him tighter. I swallow the emotion in my throat and prohibit any words to come. I know if I speak, the truth will come, and I can’t let it flood out here on the curb.

The ride back to my apartment is quiet, and I am thankful that he doesn’t press me for answers. I know he has questions, but I am trying to gauge my feelings now that I am in his presence. I have to admit that I couldn’t accurately decipher my feelings for Nolan while I was in Spain, surrounded by my all-consuming Andres addiction.

Holding Nolan’s hand, I turn to watch him while he drives. He turns to me and smiles. His grin exudes love and acceptance. It is not questioning or doubting. I know that no matter what I tell him about the trip, about what I did or didn’t do, regardless of what I felt, he will love me.

I am relieved to see that Cara is still at work when we arrive back to my apartment. I need to talk to Nolan first and foremost. We take a seat on my bed, and I peer into his eyes.

He rubs my face with one hand and says, “Just say it, baby. I can see the wheels turning a mile a minute in that beautiful head of yours.”

Sighing, I say, “I don’t know where to start, Nolan.”

“Well, let’s start with the obvious question. How was it, seeing Andres again?”

“Honestly, it was very uncomfortable. He hates me.”

“So, nothing happened between you two?”

“We kissed…once. I’m sorry.” I squeeze his hand as I wish that I were anywhere but here, breaking Nolan’s heart.

He sighs. “It’s okay. I forgive you. I figured something would happen. So, you didn’t, like, plan a future with him or anything, right? Your relationship is over…for good?” The hope resonates through his words.

“Yeah, it is definitely over.”

“Okay then, let’s just get back to us and leave that chapter behind.”

A tear rolls down my cheek as I whisper, “I can’t.”

I can feel Nolan’s body tense.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think I can date you anymore. I want to still be friends, if we can, but we can’t be together as more than that.”

“Why? I don’t understand why you are doing this, Liv. I know you love me, and you know how much I love you. So, why?”

“You’re not
the one
for me, Nolan, and you deserve to find the girl who you are meant for.”

“I am meant for you, Livi, only you.”

He leans in, taking my face between his hands, and he kisses me, hard. I kiss him back, relishing in the feeling that his tongue in my mouth provides. Warm tingles invade my body, and my heart begins to beat at a quicker tempo. The kiss is hungry, needy. Through this kiss, Nolan is urgent to show me how good we are together. I weave my fingers through his hair, pulling him deeper into my mouth.

He pulls away, leaving me gasping. “Tell me you don’t feel that, Olivia. We are amazing together. The kind of chemistry that we have can’t be faked. It is real. Please, stop overthinking everything, and let yourself be happy. I can make you so happy.”

I take a few moments to steady my skewed equilibrium and calm my breathing. Nolan and I have great chemistry for sure, but somehow, my current resolve is solid. I don’t want Nolan. I want Andres. I don’t know how I am managing to be so strong. Normally, I would crumble and need Nolan to lift me up—but not anymore. One way or another, I have changed. I am not the same person I was seven months ago, let alone last week, and I have strength that I never knew was possible.

“I don’t want just happy. I want a can’t-breathe, can’t-live-without kind of love. Nolan, I love you. I think I have loved you since the moment I walked into that classroom and met your gaze years ago. I know you love me, and I know that we could be great together. You are an amazing person, and any girl would be lucky to have you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I want you to understand, so I have to tell you…” I pause.

“When I see Andres, I literally lose my breath. He does something to me that I can’t explain. You know that quote—something about life being measured by the moments that take our breath away? I used to think that it was a cheesy saying, invented by some underpaid Hallmark card writer, to make people feel all warm and squishy inside, but it is true. It is so true. He does that to me. What you and I have is wonderful, and I know that you would spend the rest of your life making me so happy. If our relationship had begun seven months ago…I would have felt like the luckiest girl in the world. But now that I know, I can’t go back to when I didn’t.”

“Liv, I understand that you love Andres. I get it, but we can get through this. As you said, we are amazing together. As time goes on, we will grow to be more in love, and our relationship will only get better. I love you so much, Liv, that it hurts. I don’t want anyone else. I want you. Please just try?”

“I love you so much, Nolan…too much to let you be my consolation prize. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You deserve to find that kind of love. I know it doesn’t make sense now, but someday, when you find her, you will thank me.”

“God, Olivia, please don’t do this. So, you are going to end this incredible relationship we have to…what? Be alone? Let me love you. Let me make you happy.”

“Yeah, I guess I am. I am not afraid to be alone anymore. You have been my rock, my comfort for almost four years, but I can stand on my own two feet now. Being alone is better than settling, Nolan.”

“Settling? Fuck, Liv, that’s low.” The hurt in Nolan’s eyes is crushing.

I reach for Nolan to pull him into a hug, and thankfully, he lets me.

“I’m so sorry to hurt you. I never wanted that. I’m sorry that you aren’t the one for me. I really wish you were.” And as I sit here, hugging this beautiful man, my best friend, I really wish he were.

The one constant is time. While one is alive, it will continue to pass, refusing to cease, regardless of whether one is equipped to face the next day.

I’ve taken one step in front of the other. At first, there was nothing to do but go through the motions. My heart was a black abyss of remorse. One day at a time, I’ve worked to let go of my feelings of guilt, heartache, loneliness, and regret. Regret is a bitter pill to swallow, no doubt, but I did.

Going through the motions gave me a purpose, a schedule of next steps. I might have been frightened of the next day, but I knew I could, at the very least, make it through my next class, then dinner with Cara, and then my shift at work. I checked off small increments of time each day. Eventually, I was completely each task without extended effort. I didn’t check out although I can’t say I was engaged either, but I made my actions appear as if I was.

With every passing day, the fog of lament clouding my brain lifted until I smiled one day, and I meant it. On a subsequent day, I laughed, and I felt it. That rumble of joy exploded, and I reveled in the pang of pain in my side from the force of my laugh. It was victory. It was life.

Finally, without notice, I was hit, obliterated by an emotion so strong that it had the ability to ward off all others. I felt gratitude, appreciation for all that I have been given and all that I have been able to experience.