Forever Baby (34 page)

Nolan helps me with my bag, and we stand outside his car in the freezing, blowing wind. We say our good-byes as my face gets pelted with wet snow. We exchange a lot of I-love-yous and I-will-miss-yous. One would think that we were going to be apart for a significant amount of time, especially with my tears, but no, I will be gone for only a week. It’s just one week. If my teary good-bye is any indication of my trip, my homecoming might not be a joyous one. I don’t know if the tears are falling because I will miss Nolan or because I’m afraid I won’t.

I hope Nolan doesn’t sense my apprehension over this trip. I have tried to play it cool since telling him that I was going to go and welcome in the New Year in Spain with my Spanish friends as originally planned. I put emphasis on all the fun activities that Nadia has planned for us. Andres was never brought up. He was like the white elephant in the room. Nolan and I both know that I will see Andres and talk to him, but neither of us wanted to talk about it. So, we didn’t. I’m sure Nolan is nervous about me seeing Andres. I know I am.

I don’t know where my head will be when I return, but part of me hopes that the world of rainbows and lollipops that Nolan and I have been living in will become brighter and explode with butterflies, gumdrops, and sparkly pink unicorns…for Nolan’s sake.

I survive the flight with no terrorist attacks, engine malfunctions, or plummets into the deep blue ocean.
Thank God.
I did a lot of thinking on the plane, and basically, I am more confused than I was. I have no idea what to expect here, and it is terrifying.

Nadia meets me at the airport, and her peppy little smile and warm eyes soothe my nerves. It is so good to see her. As she drives us back to the house, she jabbers away about how everyone is doing, informing me about people I remember and people I don’t. I met a lot of people when I was here before, but I really only invested in relationships with a handful of them. Hugo, Julio, and Carlos are the same. All three are busy with school, the band, and their weekly basketball game, and they are still enjoying being single. Apparently, Marcela and Hugo hooked up, which was shady since Marcela is Nadia’s best friend. Obviously, Nadia used to date Hugo, but she informs me that she is past it. Hugo and Marcela are over it as well since their hookup ended after a short couple of weeks.

I notice that Nadia is yammering away about every random person I encountered in Spain, except for Andres.

When she stops to take a breath, I say, “How is he?”

Nadia’s temperament changes from one of a bubbly cheerleader to one of a depressed librarian. She is hesitant, and her voice is quiet when she answers, “He is good.”

“Please tell me about him, Nadia. I’m not going to break. I truly want to know how he is. The past few months have been so confusing for me, and part of that is because I don’t know how Andres is doing.”

She continues, “Well, he is good—at least I think so. He is not the best at letting people in. He completely fell off the radar for a couple of weeks after the breakup happened, but then he started coming back around. He was closed off before you came because of all that stuff with his mom and deadbeat dad, so I guess it really isn’t much different. Um…” She trails off as if figuring out how to proceed.

“Just tell me,” I say calmly.

She takes a deep breath. “Well, he is kind of seeing someone—at least I think he is. He hasn’t come out and said that he is dating her or anything, but she is around a lot.”

“Is it that girl kissing him in the background of your photo?”

“Yes, that’s her. Livi, I am so sorry about that! I was totally tipsy when I tweeted that pic, and I honestly didn’t even realize they were in the background! Please forgive me,” she says, sounding concerned.

“It’s okay, Nadia. I’m not mad. I’m kind of glad that I saw it—wait, no, I would give anything to get that image out of my head!” I laugh dryly. “But it was something I needed to see. It put some things into perspective for me. I am nervous to see him though. Does he ever talk about me?”

“No, he doesn’t,” she says with apologetic eyes. “But he knows you are coming in for this week. He hasn’t said anything about it though.”

“What about the girl that he hangs out with? Do you like her?”

“Yeah, Ruthie is nice. We aren’t super close or anything, but I like her.”

Ruthie? I didn’t know anyone under the age of fifty was named Ruth anymore.
Maybe I am pulling at straws to find things not to like about her, but I definitely don’t like her name. I actually envisioned her name to be more along the lines of Summer or Candy or Destiny, and I pictured her in hooker heels while working the pole. She’s a tramp. I might be biased, but that is my story, and I am sticking to it.

“Huh,” I respond noncommittally. “So, what are the plans for tonight?”

“I figured we could go out to a club with my girlfriends.”

“Sounds fun,” I answer although it doesn’t sound fun in the slightest. Nothing is going to sound fun until I see Andres and figure out what it is that I am here to figure out.

Nadia, Marcela, and I hail a taxi and make our way to a club called Abril. We are meeting a couple of Nadia’s other friends at the club.

Abril has a modern chic appeal to it with LED lighting, cream-colored furniture, and glass-tiled walls throughout. Pink and purple ambience lighting makes it come off as cozy and welcoming. It is a very popular club that plays mainly techno music, which is not my favorite but not my least favorite either.

We get a table, and I order a mojito. A few more of Nadia’s friends join us, and they are all doing their best to make sure that I’m having a good time. They are sweet. I can’t help but feel odd though because the whole night has a different mood than when I was in Spain previously. We never went anywhere without the four guys, and it is oddly lonely not having Carlos making fun of everyone with his dry humor, or Julio shooting me apologetic eyes to Carlos’s jokes, or Hugo trying to feel up some girl’s skirt, or…Andres with his hand on mine.
Sigh.

A couple of hours and twice as many mojitos in, I am dancing with the girls, and remarkably, I’m having a decent time.

Then, Nadia says, “Crap! I thought they weren’t coming here tonight.”

I follow her glare across the room. I see Hugo, Julio, Carlos, and…him. I lose my breath, and I want to fall to my knees from the pain in my chest. I think someone is talking to me, but I don’t hear what the person is saying. I stare at him, and I want to cry. He is drop-dead gorgeous, even more so than I remember. His shiny hair is perfectly messy and flawless. He is talking to Hugo, and he is smiling. Oh, how that smile would warm me if I were frozen in a twenty-feet-deep glacier. I watch his lips move as he speaks, and I try to remember what they felt like on mine. He is wearing worn jeans that fall just right at his hip and make his butt irresistibly squeezable. He has on a black T-shirt that gives an idea of the lean muscles underneath, and the way it wraps around his arms shows off his unflawed firmness. I close my eyes and try to imagine the sensation of his arms wrapped around me.

What I wouldn’t give to feel him, to smell him, to kiss him again? When I open my eyes, the breath is knocked out of me as a pair of impossibly blue eyes pierce straight into the depths of everything I am. He is so strikingly handsome, and I struggle to find air. Andres’s face is frozen and expressionless. I can’t tell what he is thinking, but I don’t dare to even blink, afraid of losing this connection.

He takes a step toward me, not breaking our eye contact, and I instinctually react as my body starts walking toward him. Our strides don’t stop until our bodies collide into each other in the middle of the dance floor. Simultaneously, his hands are in my hair, and he is pulling my head toward him until our mouths are locked in a frenzied, panicked, intensely fierce kiss. His lips are rough against mine, pressing and pulling. He is kissing me with so much passion that my mind is vacant of anything else.

Andres and I are, in this moment, the only two people in existence. We are standing alone, suspended in space. There are only the sounds of our breaths, our pounding hearts, and our frantic lips smacking together. We are on the precipice in front of a black hole, and the only thing keeping us from being sucked into the hole to be ripped apart and trapped forever is this kiss. This kiss is so desperate, so amazing.

His tongue explores my mouth, and his hands grip my hair as if they are struggling to survive. My hands are ravenous as they run up and down his back and into his hair, pulling him closer. My need to be close to him is insatiable, and no matter how hard I draw him toward me, he is not close enough. His lips bruise mine as we sink into this soul-devouring kiss. My chest is shuddering as the tears fall, and I sob into his mouth. I am shaking and gasping as his mouth is yanked away from me.

A woman’s voice yells, “Let’s go, Andres! Now!”

With a torrent of emotions pulsing through my body, I watch as the blonde girl from the photo pulls Andres away from me and leads him toward the door. He walks backward as she drags his arm behind her, his gaze never leaving mine. The look in his eyes haunts me as he stares at me standing in the middle of the dance floor with tears rolling down my face, heavy breaths heaving my chest, and eyes beseeching him to come back to me. His expression shows—I’m not sure…maybe despair, sadness, hunger, and loss. My heart shatters into a thousand pieces because, although I try to find it, the emotion that I don’t see in his eyes is hope. He has given up on us, on me. When the door shuts behind him, I fall to my knees, slapping my hands out in front of me on the dirty floor, and I cry.

Someone grabs my arm and wraps it around his neck before sliding an arm under my knees, and then I am pulled up off the floor. Hugo has picked me up, and he is carrying me like a child out of the club. I wrap my other arm around his neck and lean my face into his chest.

His strong arms around my back and under my legs pull me close. “Let’s get you back to the house, Liv.”

I hear a gentle knock on my door, and Nadia comes in.

Sitting down on the bed next to me, she rubs my arm soothingly. “Are you okay, Livi?”

Feeling like an idiot from my breakdown at the club the night before, I weakly answer, “Yeah.” My body feels like it was in a car accident. My chest aches, my head hurts, and my eyes are squishy puffballs once more. “I bet that was quite the show last night, huh?”

Hesitantly, she answers, “It was…interesting.” The pity is palpable in her voice.

“I have to go see him today, Nadia. I have to talk to him.”

“Do you really think that is a good idea? Maybe you should give it a day or two,” she suggests.

“No! I have to go today. I am only here for a short time. I have to figure this mess out,” I plead.

“Okay, I will drop you off at his house when you are ready.”

I take a long, hot shower and try to compile my thoughts. However, I honestly have no idea what I am going to say to Andres when I get to his house. I just know that I have to see him. The one thing that is clear to me is that whatever it was that I experienced with Andres last night, I have never experienced with Nolan, not even remotely close. I love Nolan. I totally love him, but what I feel for Andres is so much more than love. It is an emotion that is ten times stronger. It is an unnamed emotion that makes every cell in my body ignite with passion, love, adoration, desire, and painful need. It is such a strong sensation—a desire for someone that is so great that it is agonizing.

I realize now that I will do anything to ease my pain, and the only thing that can do that is Andres. It became crystal clear last night that Andres is the one. I was made to love him, and I am going to fight for him. I was able to hide from these feelings when I was sitting on another continent and being loved and adored by someone as wonderful as Nolan. I know that I was hiding behind my fear and insecurities at the possibility of losing Andres, but now, I know.
I know
that if I can feel a love like I have for Andres…no other love will ever be enough. I might have ruined it all, but I have to try.