Angel felt the knife, already lodged deep in his heart being twisted viciously.
“She’s like a sister to me, always has been and always will be. But the thought of her being close to any other guy besides you, has you so fucked up you’re gonna lose her.”
Angel’s pulse rose. He stared at Sydney square in the eye. “She’s made her decision.”
“You made it for her.”
“She made it the day she decided no one would stop her from going back to you,” Angel clenched his teeth. “Not even me.”
Sydney glared at him in disbelief. "So, that’s it? You’re gonna let your insecurities come in the way of your feelings for her? You’re letting her go, just like that?”
Angel didn’t respond. It took everything in him to not bang his fist against Alex’s truck.
Sydney looked disgusted. He shook his head and began walking away. After only a few steps he stopped and turned around. Angel hadn’t moved.
“You know, after all she’d told me about you. I expected a lot more. I was actually happy that she’d found you. But now I can see I was way off, I’m glad she’s coming back to Arizona. You don’t deserve her.”
Angel felt the same sick feeling he’d felt that night he'd seen Sarah with Sydney. The same feeling he’d felt when he was sick the entire next day. He glared at his feet.
"I'm sure you two will be very happy."
Sydney turned around one last time before getting in his car. “Yeah, you would think that.”
Sydney drove away revving the engine loudly as he past Angel.
Sa
rah loves you, Angel
. As much as he wanted to believe it, the thought of her undeniable attachment to Sydney, made it impossible. The way she’d dressed for Sydney that night, and the way she'd held his hand in the restaurant. It was clear how she really felt about him, and it stung like hell.
*
It took a moment for Sarah to realize where she was when she woke. It reminded her of when she was little and she and her mom lived in hotels for months at a time. She’d woken many times by herself, her mom already off to work.
Just like when she was little, she turned on the television. She didn’t want to watch anything, she just hated the quiet. She sat for a moment on the edge of the bed and thought about the day ahead. She should’ve done this a long time ago.
After showering and having a cup of coffee from the small pot the hotel provided in her room, she was ready to go. She could’ve taken the transit bus but she decided to walk, Sarah knew well enough to come prepared. She layered up and wore her boots and beanie. She drew in the crisp cool Flagstaff air and smiled, remembering when she and Sydney used to walk everywhere. The walk was only about a mile, and it helped lesson her anxiety.
Sarah arrived at the Coconino Women’s Detention center just after nine. She called ahead so she knew not to bring anything except her I.D and money. After going through the security check, and walking through the long, sterile hallways, she signed in and was escorted to a big room that resembled her school cafeteria. There were other visitors there sitting at tables across from inmates in blue jumpsuits.
It was all very somber. The only thing on the tables were boxes of tissues.
Footstep’s and doors closing and opening echoed loudly, rattling her already overwrought nerves. Each time the door where the inmates were escorted in and out, opened, she held her breath. It opened again and out walked her mom. She looked small and frail. Her usually done up hair was in a ponytail and her eyes were drawn with dark circles under them.
Sarah gasped but forced herself to smile. She wasn’t here to make her mother feel worse. She was here because she missed her and desperately needed her.
Her mother’s expression broke when she got close enough and she hugged her tightly. “Oh, honey, I’ve missed you so much.”
Sarah never wanted to let go. She hadn’t realized just how much she missed her. Her emotions betrayed her but she didn’t care anymore. She cried openingly. “I miss you, mommy.”
Her mother held her for a little more then pulled away to examine Sarah’s face. She wiped Sarah’s tears with her fingers. “Come, sit down.”
They sat down across from each other at one of the tables. Sarah had been worried her mother would be upset that she’d come to see her. She’d always said she didn’t want Sarah to see her like that. Now Sarah understood why. But she didn’t seem mad at all.
Her mother reached across the table for Sarah’s hands. “Nobody told me you were coming.”
“Nobody knows.”
Her mother’s eyes narrowed. “Who brought you? Angel?”
Sarah shook her head glancing down at her their locked hands. “I came alone, on the bus.” Her mother’s face grew more concerned. “Aunt Norma knows I’m in Flagstaff. I just didn’t tell her I was coming to see you. I didn’t want her to try to talk me out of it.”
Sarah couldn’t get over her mother’s appearance. Many times when she was little and they were forced to move for reasons unknown to Sarah, her mother had often looked sad and worn, but never like this. She’d lost so much weight too.
“Are you going back today?”
That was the question Sarah had most dreaded. She knew her mother wasn’t going to be happy about her moving back to Arizona.
“No, mom,” Her mother’s weary eyes searched Sarah’s face for answers. “I’m staying with Sydney’s family for the holidays.”
Her mother’s expression didn’t change. “What about Angel? I thought you two were so inseparable?”
The knot in Sarah’s throat nearly choked her. All she could manage was to shake her head and look away before the tears escaped her eyes again. Her mom squeezed her hands.
“Tell me about it.”
Sarah took one hand back to wipe the tears. She was angry at herself. This wasn’t supposed to be about her. The last thing she wanted was to burden her mom any further. But her mother pushed.
“Talk to me, baby.”
After composing herself she breathed in deeply. Sarah reached out for her mother’s hand again. Her mom took it and squeezed it, smiling. “He found out about Sydney.”
She knew her mom would be confused and her expression was just that. “I never told him that Sydney was…”
Sarah felt foolish. She’d told her mom as much as she could about Angel. But their conversations on the phone were so short she always felt guilty about using up all their time talking about herself so she’d left a lot of the details out.
“Was what, honey?”
Sarah glanced around the room and back at her mom. “Ever known anyone that doesn’t believe a guy and a girl can be friends?”
In an instant the look of confused concern on her mother’s face was replaced with that of understanding and she nodded.
“I messed things up bad, mom.” Talking to her mom felt really good.
“So, he didn’t know about Sydney?” Her mom let go of her hand and reached over to the box of tissue on their table she handed it to Sarah. “Blow your nose.”
Sarah did and then continued. “Not exactly.”
She told her mom the entire sordid story. About Angel assuming Syd was a girl, and how she wanted to tell him the truth so many times and how finally he found out the truth in the worst way. And then how she’d called him to tell him she was leaving and how cold he’d been telling her to be happy.
“So, he thinks you’re staying in Arizona?”
Sarah bit her lip. “That’s what I really wanted to talk to you about.”
Her mother’s eyebrow went up.
“Mom,” Sarah’s voice fell almost to a whisper. “I can’t go back.”
Her mom shook her head but her expression was kind. Sarah looked away. “Honey, I want nothing more than your happiness. Look at me.”
Sarah turned back at her mother’s tired eyes. There was no way she would argue with her. When she first arrived in California she was so bitter she didn’t care how angry her mom would be when she moved back to Arizona. But after seeing her today, her heart yearned to give her mom any pleasure no matter how minuscule.
“Listen to me, Hon,” She cupped one of Sarah’s hands in both of hers. “I know right now this seems like the end of the world. And you’ll never know how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you when it happened. But give it time. Things have a way of working themselves out. Angel will understand...”
Maybe it was Sarah’s expression. She couldn’t even pretend to believe that this would somehow get worked out, but her mother stopped mid speech. She leaned over, a tiny smile rising from the corner of her lips. “I have good news.”
“What?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew for sure, but you look so sad.” Her mom pretended to pout. “My lawyers found a loop hole in my case.”
For the first time since she’d been there, Sarah thought she saw a twinkle in her mother’s eyes. “What does that mean?”
Her mom sat back with a cautious grin. “Well, I won’t know anything until we go to court and that won’t be until after the holidays, but according to my lawyers, if everything goes well I could be out by early spring.”
Sarah jumped out of her seat, causing one of the guards to look at her funny. She gave him a crooked regretful smile and then hugged her mom. “Oh, my God, mom! That’s the best news ever.”
Her mom beamed then went back to being serious. She motioned for Sarah to sit back down. “But you have to promise me you’ll stay in California until then, Sarah. It’s not that much longer.”
Sarah felt an uneasiness set in her stomach but nothing could take away the joy of what she’d just heard. The smile was still pasted to her face and she felt the lump in her throat again. This time it was joy that had her choked up, an emotion that had been so foreign to her all week. “Okay, mom,” she smiled. “Whatever you want.”
*
Carina was a tall busty girl with blonde hair. Not at all what Sarah would have thought was Sydney’s type. But the girl loved her music and that alone could have Sydney talking for hours.
She didn’t offer much at all for conversation, but was polite. Sarah hoped they could become friends, especially if Sydney was in this for the long haul. But so far things had been awkward at best.
After just a few days of being around them, Sarah finally accepted it. Her and Sydney’s relationship was one that was going to take some getting used to by
any
third party.
Sarah was so used to being completely uninhibited around Sydney. She had, after all, grown up with him. Around Carina she had to catch herself before doing things she didn’t even do around Angel. Like belch.
It was so easy to get right back to the way things had always been, and start laughing and carrying on. It amazed her that although she could never get Angel completely off her mind, being around Sydney really helped.
Christmas day at Sydney’s was the same as usual. Mr. and Mrs. Maricopa were blasting the Christmas carols in the kitchen while they finished up dinner together. They were going to have a few family members and Carina over for dinner.
Sarah could barely hear the television in the front room over the music but it didn’t matter, she practically had the movie memorized she’d seen it so many times.
Sydney walked out of the kitchen shaking his head. “They’re already hitting the eggnog.” He chuckled.
Sarah barely looked up from the T.V. She sat on the floor using some of the pillows she’d used from the night before to plop against. Sydney turned to see what she was watching.
“Pride and Prejudice again?” He sounded disgusted. “Geez haven’t you seen that like a hundred times?”
Sarah ignored him, still staring at the television, but smirked. He sat down next to her and picked up the remote from the floor. Next thing she knew there was football on the screen.
“Hey!”
“Now this is more like it.” Sydney grinned.
“I had the remote first and I’m your guest.” She reached over for the remote but he put his arm up and she couldn’t reach.
“I’m telling,” she smiled wickedly. “Mrs. Maricopa!”
There was no way Sydney’s mom could hear her over the loud music in the kitchen and Sarah knew it. She got on her knees to try to reach it but Sydney fell back laughing and she fell onto him. She had her hand on the remote and Sydney tickled her in the ribs. Sarah instinctively flinched and started laughing.
“No fair!”
She tickled him back causing him to drop the remote and she grabbed it but he grabbed her by the waist and she fell back shielding the remote under her body. He pinned her down trying to get the remote from under her. Sarah hadn’t laughed that much in a while. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to catch her breath between laughing when she opened them and saw over Sydney’s shoulder. Carina was standing in the middle of the living room staring at them. She looked stunned and Sarah pushed Sydney off her.
“Hi, Carina.”
Sydney immediately turned his head, his body was still half on Sarah. He pushed himself away from Sarah.
“Hey, Babe.”
“I knocked but…” Carina’s eyes went from Sarah who was pulling down her blouse that had ridden up, showing a bit of her midriff, to Sydney and then turned around and rushed back to the door.