“I can’t promise you that Stella. Not when you’ve just told me he hurt you. If I had of known that when we first got here…” He trailed off into his thoughts, his knuckles turning white.
“If you love me, truly love me you will forget about it, forget what I told you. I told you because I trusted you. Please don’t make me regret it.”
Tristan contemplated her words. She could tell by his face he didn’t like the position she had just put him in. He wanted to fix her problems, and the only way he knew how was to go after Josh. But she had told him the only thing she knew that would stop him. She knew he would do what she asked if the question of his love was involved.
Stella turned to window, tears streaming down her face. She wanted to tell him the rest, tell him what happened after that, but she couldn’t. She didn’t know what Josh was capable of and she didn’t want Tristan to get hurt. She had to keep it from him, the reason why her heart was shattered into a million pieces, and left her feeling like her life was meaningless.
Tristan wrapped his arms around Stella, comforting her as she sobbed into his shoulder. “I’m here Stella. I’ll always be here for you. I will never let you go through that again.” She sobbed harder at his words, if only he knew he could never make that promise to her. A promise she knew couldn’t be kept.
“Can I come round now?” Tristan listened to Stella’s voice on the phone, she spoke quietly, when he answered it, he was barely able to hear her words.
“Of course you can. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Ok great…see you soon I guess,” Stella responded
,
her voice anything but excited to see him. Before Tristan could reply she hung up.
Tristan couldn’t help but feel like since the night Stella’s ex showed up at her unit his relationship with her was back to square one. His conversations with her over the past few days had been awkward and
distant,
he knew something was going on. She was keeping something from him, but every time he asked her she blew it off and avoided the question.
Sam had informed him that he felt she was also acting strange, being very secretive about where she was going, and withdrawn, not her usual friendly self. He had also said she went to the bank a couple of times acting suspiciously, scared even.
Tristan tried to keep his head focused when he was in Sydney, concentrating on the concerts and press interviews, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t get Stella off his thoughts. He once thought his career meant everything to him; it’s all he was worried about, not anymore. His life was Stella. He needed to find out what was wrong, and when he saw her tonight he would make her tell him, he couldn’t bear their relationship to be like this anymore.
***
Stella was becoming nervous, for tomorrow she had to have the money for Josh, but she had only managed to get together seven thousand dollars, meaning she was still three grand short.
She had made
a cash
withdrawal from her credit card, and borrowed some money from her parents and sister, who didn’t question her as they assumed she needed it because she was jobless. She had no form of income coming in, and the little money she got paid out from her job when she left, she used in Europe.
No bank or institute would lend her any money, because she was unemployed. She only had one option left. She had to ask Tristan.
Tristan had left for his concert as planned, even though the unexpected visit from Josh had made him want to cancel going away. It took Stella hours to convince Tristan to go, and he only agreed on the terms that Sam would stay with Stella and ‘protect’ her. He even had to stay at her place, much to her annoyance, except for
Claire,
she seemed to very much enjoy having eye candy like Sam around.
Unfortunately having Sam around had made it hard for her to get the money together without Sam knowing what was going on. She had been as subtle as possible, especially when she had meetings with the banks about loans. Sam never let on that he knew anything, but she had a feeling he knew something was going on.
In all honesty though, Stella had begun to really like Sam. He was careful not to ever get in her way, and she hardly noticed he was there most of the time. She also enjoyed the fact she didn’t have to catch the bus anywhere anymore because Sam would drive her. But most of all, she didn’t feel lonely. The thought of being without Tristan had made her feel sad, and with no job, no life outside Tristan she didn’t know what to do.
Sam was like a big brother to her, he was always there when she needed him and he was happy to sit up late and watch movies with her when she felt lonely, even if they were sappy love stories. She felt safe around him, and when Tristan heard how well Stella and Sam got along he decided Sam would stay on as her permanent security guard.
Stella didn’t protest though, she knew Tristan had a point. Not only did they get along so well, but with all the media attention she had been getting lately, especially with the European tour, the paparazzi followed her everywhere and she didn’t feel safe without Tristan or Sam.
When she arrived at Tristan’s place she was suddenly very anxious, and she knew her body language had given her away when Tristan approached her frowning.
“What’s wrong Stella?”
She cursed her body for being so easy to read, she’d never been good at hiding her emotions, especially from Tristan.
“I need to ask you something,” her voice was soft and uneasy.
“Anything Stella, just tell me what’s wrong?”
Stella took a deep breath. She didn’t want to ask him for money, she hated asking anyone for money, she had supported herself since she left school. But it wasn’t just the thought of asking Tristan for money that made her feel sick to the stomach it was the thought of lying to him about it.
“I need to ask you for some money. Just a small loan, I’ll pay it back I promise,” she quickly said, hoping the faster she said it the easier it would be to say.
“How much?”
Tristan stared at her, his face firm.
“Three grand,” she whispered.
“What for?”
His reaction was not what she expected. He had always been very open about giving her money if she needed it, and never had a problem lashing out on expensive gifts on her while they were in Europe.
“Bills,” she replied uneasy about where this conversation was going.
“Tell me the truth Stella. You know I’d give you anything, but you need to tell me what it’s really for.”
“Bills,” she repeated herself, scared he could see through her deception.
“Now is not the time to lie to me Stella. I know something is going on. Sam tells me you’ve spent all week trying to get money together.”
She glared at Sam who was standing there with a sympathetic look. He shrugged apologetically at her. “Sam doesn’t know anything,” she seethed. This was not how she envisioned this conversation going but she couldn’t help but get angry, she considered Sam to be a friend.
“Don’t get angry at Sam. He knew something was wrong, and when he noticed you were seeking out money in every way you could, he came to me. I didn’t believe it
myself,
until I saw you walk through that door just now. What’s happened? Why do you really need the money?”
“I told you, bills,” Stella said praying her voice wasn’t outing her pretence.
He walked forward, pulling her into a tight hug. “Please don’t do this again Stella, don’t shut me out. I love you, and I would do anything for you, you can trust me.”
She couldn’t hold back the tears any
longer,
sobbing into his shoulder she told him the truth. She couldn’t lie to Tristan, no matter how hard she tried. “It’s Josh. He told me that I had to give him ten thousand dollars or else he was going to tell you.”
Tristan held her shoulders and pulled her back so she was facing him. “Tell me what?”
She looked into his eyes, trying to decipher his emotions. Was he angry, sad, or disappointed? She couldn’t tell. “What happened after Josh left me that night.”
He looked up at Sam and told him to leave. As Sam left, Tristan lead her to his bedroom. Sitting her down on his bed, he sat next to her, arm tightly around her shoulders. “Tell me.”
It was now or never, and she knew it was time to tell him all. She couldn’t lie to him any
longer,
he could read her like a book. But how could she explain something she didn’t understand herself. She had never told anyone about what happened; she could never bring herself to utter the words of her story. She knew now she had to, she couldn’t hide from the truth any longer.
“I never told you the rest of the story. What happened after that night with Josh…
”
She struggled to find the words, to tell the story that changed her life.
“It’s ok Stella. I’m here for you.” Tristan kissed her temple, reassuring her he wasn’t going to leave.
“But what happens if you decide you no longer want to be with me?’ she chocked on the words. She didn’t want to believe in the possibility that what she was about to tell him could give him reason to leave, but she knew it could.
“I will never leave you Stella, I have told you this. Nothing you say to me will change my mind.”
Stella bowed her head and took a deep breath, she knew she couldn’t look Tristan in the eye, not when she was about to tell him her darkest fear. “That night with Josh not only left me feeling used… it left me pregnant. Eighteen and pregnant, my life suddenly changed before my eyes. The first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant I resented it, I cried myself to sleep every night thinking how evil I must have been for something like this to happen to me.
One minute I was a carefree young girl, the next I was being raped and falling pregnant.
Every time I thought of the baby I thought about what Josh did to me.
“But then when I went to confirm my pregnancy and saw the baby on the ultrasound, something deep within me told me I had to keep it. From that moment on everything I once thought changed. I wanted this baby, I loved this baby and I would do anything for it. I only told my family about my pregnancy, I tried to tell Josh, but he wouldn’t give me the time of day. Thankfully by the time I started to show I was graduating. As soon as I graduated I went into full time work, saving as much as I could so I could support the baby when it was born.
“One night while I was getting ready for bed I noticed a bloody discharge. I was thirty seven weeks along, so I called mum into the room and we both thought it might have been my mucus plug. When we called the hospital they told us to come in and get checked. When I got to the hospital they hooked me up to the
CTG
monitor to check the baby’s heartbeat and see if I was having any contractions. I knew something must have been wrong because nothing was coming up on the monitor, the midwives tried to blame the machine but I could see their distress. My mum kept me calm, telling me not to worry. They took me down to get an ultrasound, this time instead of the midwives doing the checks a doctor came in. After a few long minutes of desperation waiting for someone to tell me what was wrong, the doctor finally turned to me and told me…” She looked at Tristan now, tears streaming down her face. “The baby was dead.”
Tristan pulled her close, hugging her tightly, his hand stroking her head. “I’m so sorry Stella.”
“I couldn’t believe what the doctor said. I did all the right things. I took the vitamins, and I did the recommended pregnancy exercises, I even read every pregnancy book I could get my hands on to make sure I could give the baby the best chance possible at life.
“But at the end of the day my baby was dead and still inside me. They gave me two options, give birth naturally or have a caesarean. I was still trying to process everything, let alone thinking about how I was going to give birth. Part of me felt like the scan must have been wrong, and my baby was still alive and it was all one big mistake, so I chose to give birth naturally. I was induced straight away, my labour lasted seventeen hours. I refused to take any pain relief, every contraction I focused on the thought I would soon be able to hold my baby. I believed it was all just a misunderstanding, until I helped deliver my baby, pulling his lifeless body into my arms. In that moment all my physical pain banished, and I was left with emptiness and pain in my heart.
“I looked down at my beautiful little boy, my little Jackson. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping after a big day. The tears I had held back came all at once, every feeling and emotion, knowing I had lost the one thing I truly loved. I told him I loved him. I’ve never said those words to anyone else before, even my parents said they’d never heard me say it. I held him for hours, singing to him, telling him how much I was going to miss him, all the while listening to the cries of the other babies in the hospital, knowing my baby would never cry., never shed a tear, never smile, never see a birthday, never find love…
“When I got home I was left with the constant reminder my son was gone. His baby room all set up for him, and my stomach bearing the reminder every day that I’d lost him.” She looked at Tristan, feeling her heart break.
“Imagine a reminder,
every day
of what I’d lost. Everywhere I went I saw babies, kids, and pregnant women. I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing what I’d lost, even my own body reminded me of what I no longer had.
“We never found out why he died, nothing from his autopsy gave us any answers, he appeared to be healthy in every way. I thought once I knew why he died I could accept it, but I was left with more questions, none of which would ever give me the answer I craved, the answer I needed. My life left forever wondering why…”
She stilled her tears, knowing she wanted to finish the whole story. If she didn’t now, she didn’t think she would ever be able to. “Josh must have known I was pregnant and it was his, but he never said anything, never tried to talk to me, nothing until the day of the funeral. He approached me after it and told me how the universe had blessed us. It had known that I wasn’t capable of raising a child and I would only destroy its life. How could he say that Tristan? I loved him, I loved Jackson! I would have done anything for him!” She cried now, harder than she had every cried before.