Forgive Me (20 page)

Without a word, his hand comes up and rests on my cheek. His voice is soft when he speaks and I can’t help myself from falling a little harder for Zander Fields. “I remember when I first saw you. You were sad but you were strong. You wanted to be left alone, but I knew I could get to you. I was in love with you in sixth grade, Lexi. I just didn’t trust myself to speak to you until I started bringing you food on the bus. When I saw how grateful you were, and how happy you became every time I climbed those steps onto the bus, I just knew one day you’d be mine. I knew one day I’d marry you.”

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end with his final words. I don’t think he understands just what he said, but I do. He knew he was going to marry me, except… he’s not. He is marrying Emerson. In two days.

“But you’re not,” I say silently. As soon as I say it I start cursing myself.
How dare I remind him after that beautiful speech?

His eyes blink and he is out of his reverie in an instant. His hand falls limp by his side. “Sorry,” he whispers before turning around. Once he is sitting again, I walk over and sit in the chair next to him. I hear Justin’s fitting room door close, and I know we don’t have much time to talk about this as he gets dressed into his street clothes.

“It’s not too late you know.”

I shouldn’t do this. This is wrong. So, so, very wrong. And selfish.

Zander looks at me questionably. “Too late for…?”

“You don’t have to marry her.”

So wrong. So incredibly wrong.

“But… wait… what are you saying, Lexi?”

I shouldn’t be doing this.

“We could still be a family. But if you marry her, it’ll be too late.”

I’m going to hell. Its official.

“I can’t just call off the wedding two days before, just because you want to be a fucking family all of a sudden,” Zander barks out. He stands up and walks towards the exit. He pauses, but only for a second, then he walks through the door, leaving me here. I feel my heart break, yet again.

I knew it was dumb. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. But the fact of the matter is, at least I told him it wasn’t too late. I gave him an option. I was honest. I tried. Now I’ll leave him alone, so he can marry Emerson.

I think.

Justin and I climb into the truck. Zander is already sitting in the driver seat, and without so much as a word or glance, he revs up the engine. When we’re not headed back to Clay’s, I look in his direction. “Where are we going?”

Without looking at me, he says, “You’ll see.” And that seems to be that.

We arrive outside an insanely beautiful ranch home. I’m in awe of it. It’s my dream home. All white exterior with a navy blue front door and matching shingles outside the windows. A two car garaged connected to it, with what looks to be an apartment or storage area above. The walkway is laid in brick and the flower garden on either side of the front door is absolutely breathtaking. The field to the left of the home has a small fenced in area, but I’m sad to see no horses. There is a small barn that needs to be re-built on the far end of the field.

I’ve literally dreamed of a home like this. The amount of field around is remarkable. I’d be outside everyday if I lived here.

I turn to look at Zander when he places it in park and shuts off the engine. “What are we doing here? Who lives here?”

“I do,” he says without looking in my direction. Justin’s back door opens and closes. I just sit here, astonished.

A vivid memory comes to me.

Zander and I were sitting in his tree house, both working on a science project. We didn’t have the class together, but our assignments were the same, so we decided to work on them together. He kept complaining how ridiculous the project was. We had to create a dream home, but it had to go by certain laws of science.

I don’t remember all the details to the assignment, but what I do remember is drawing out a beautiful home, and describing to Zander exactly what I loved about the home. A ranch home, one story, with lots of land. He asked me what color home I’d want, I said white. When he asked why, I told him because I could paint the front door any color I wanted, whenever I wanted, and it’d match the home. He called me crazy, we laughed, and his last question was what color door I’d have. I said blue.

He swore up and down he’d never live in such a home. He wanted a large home, and his land would be meant for his cattle, and pigs, and storage for hay. I was so angry with him, telling him we could never live together. Farms should be down the road from your home.

By the time our projects were done, and we finished our dream homes, he admitted mine made more sense, and he was very impressed. Then he said he’d still never live in a ranch home. I remember laughing so much during that project, but when he uttered those words to me, I was incredibly sad, because I wanted my dream home to be his as well.

So looking at this home, and knowing its everything I’ve always wanted, and nothing Zander did, it makes me wonder why he lives here. And did he think of me when he moved in?

Justin comes back out with his bag thrown over his shoulder. He climbs into the back seat and signs. “I wish I could stay another night.”

“I’m sorry, but I believe he works in the morning, right?” I turn around in my seat to face Justin.

He looks down. “Yeah, but only a half day. Then he has his rehearsal dinner and stuff tomorrow.”

“Are you going?”

He shrugs his shoulder. “I don’t know. He didn’t ask me.”

I feel bad for Justin. He wants this so bad, and I’m not sure Zander sees just how much. If he is part of the wedding though, he should be going. “I’ll talk to your dad about it when we get back to Clay’s, okay? I’m sure you’re invited, he just may have forgotten to mention that part.”

“He didn’t mention it at all, Emerson did last night.”

My stomach is in my throat just wondering what else Emerson said to him. “What else did she say?” I ask him.

“That before I know it I’ll have a brother or sister, and that she is glad I can finally be part of the family.”

I just have this gut feeling that Emerson wants nothing more for Justin and I to go back to Ohio, leaving her to live her happily ever after with Zander. Not that I can blame her, I’d probably think the same thing if the guy I was with suddenly had a child, but if she is going to marry Zander, she needs to accept it.

Zander climbs into the truck and jumps me. I didn’t even see him come out of the house. When we take off, I look over at him with a weak smile and say, “nice house.”

I can see the side of his lips twitch but he remains silent.

When he parks outside of Clay’s, he and Justin say bye to one another and I let Justin know I’ll be in in a moment. Zander looks at me surprisingly when I don’t climb out of the truck. “What is it this time Lexi? Going to tell me I can’t live in my house too?”

“What? Why would I tell you that?” I ask.

“Well, you kind of told me not to get married.”

I sigh, annoyed. “
You
said you wanted to marry
me,
and I told you it wasn’t too late. Don’t be such a… such an ass.”

He snickers. “Those kinds of words do not sound cute coming out of your mouth.”

“You don’t sound cute coming out of my mouth!”

I bite down on my lip and close my eyes.
What the hell kind of insult is that? Ugh!

Zander bursts into laughter and I can feel myself smiling. Well, there goes the tension between us. I slowly crack my eyes open and look in Zander’s direction again. “Shut up,” I mutter.

After a moment, he gets more serious again and ask, “So what did you need to speak to me about?”

“Justin doesn’t know if he is invited to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night,” I tell him.

“Yeah, I’ll come grab him at two if he’ll be around. If not, I could probably swing by around four. I don’t think I could any later than that. Tomorrow will be pretty busy.”

“I’m sure it will be. I don’t need to send him to work with Gunner tomorrow, so you can pick him up at two. I know he is really excited to be part of all this with you. Thank you for involving him.”

He completely changes the subject after a small head nod. “I didn’t mean to snap at you back there. I just can’t cancel the wedding. I do love Emerson, I do. I just…” He rubs his face with his hands and lays the back of his head on his seat, not facing in my direction anymore.

“You just?”

He doesn’t answer, so after a moment I reach for the door handle. “Don’t worry about it Zander. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I think I love you more.”

My head snaps back in his direction, my eyes wide, and my breathing stopped.
What did he just say?

“Y-you l-love me?”

“Always have,” he murmurs. I’m lucky I can even hear him. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it echoing in my ears. “But I’m with Emerson,” he adds on quickly in a louder tone, “and I’m sure you have someone back in Ohio.”

This wave I keep riding with Zander is going to make me sick. I feel loved, then hated, then adored, then betrayed, then admired, then heartbroken, and its never ending.

“I don’t. I haven’t. Its always been you, Zander. Always.”

He eyes gloss and it surprises me a lot. I can’t believe he is that emotional over this. “Why couldn’t you have come back last year, Lexi? Hell, last month even? Not two weeks before my wedding. I can’t leave her now. I can’t.”

Staring for only a few minutes, I nod my head and accept what is. This is my punishment. I place my hand back on the door handle and whisper out. “Like I said, its not too late.” Then I climb out of his pickup, hoping he’ll come after me.

But he doesn’t. He leaves. And a piece of me dies inside.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Beads of sweat form at my eyebrows. With my mouth slightly parted, I pant softly along with the rhythm. My body moves up and down in a steady crusade, and even though its slightly sore between my legs, the pleasure makes it completely worth it. I wanted this. I’ve been craving this since I got into Texas.

I close my eyes and just enjoy the ride. The wind whipping through my hair, the smell of fresh air, the sunshine beating down on my skin. When Posie starts to slow down, I open my eyes to see she has come to a fork in the path. She starts towards the left, and I let her go that way.

Faith had today off to help Emerson with last minute wedding stuff, being her matron of honor, so when she came outside this morning and saw me petting Posie, her gorgeous American Saddlebred, she told me to talk her out for a ride. I didn’t even attempt to argue.

I’ve been outside for over an hour now, stretching her legs while soaking in my sanctuary. All thoughts, worries, stress just melted away within my first three minutes on her back. I didn’t have to stick around this morning, because Faith was bringing Justin with her over to Zander’s, and even though I didn’t sleep last night and woke with a knots tightening in my stomach, right now, I’m carefree. And it feels so wonderful.

Once we get to another path, I have Posie turn around, not wanting to get lost. We make our way back and again, I close my eyes, relaxing into the well-deserved horseback ride.

“Posie girl, what’s wrong?” I open my eyes when she comes to a sudden halt. I look around and the only thing I notice is that I don’t notice anything at all. We’re lost. I pat the side of her neck and get her to stop. Turning my head in every which direction, I try to figure out if there is a path nearby she must have got turned around on. I don’t see anything.

“Ah, crap,” I mutter. I get Posie to turn around and walk slowly in the opposite direction, knowing I can’t be all that far out. I think I may have dosed off a little bit, but I couldn’t have too much because I’m still sitting on her saddle and hanging on.

After twenty minutes of riding, I decide to stop her again and I reach into my pocket. I call Faith but her number goes straight to voice mail. Next I try Clay but his phone keeps ringing. He is at work, so there really isn’t that much of a surprise. I just don’t know who to call. I try Gunner and Magnolia as well, but neither of them answer. I know Bray isn’t the type to know left from right, especially in the woods, and since I really would like to avoid Tanner, I call my last option. Zander.