Forgive Me (23 page)

Then I think about eighth grade when he brought me that granola bar, and every day after that he made an effort with me. He loved me at a time I didn’t even love myself, and he made me feel cherished. He turned my world around. He gave me a reason to wake in the morning, to dream at night. He loved me, even more so with my flaws. Without my flaws, we never would have been.

So why do I feel like I don’t deserve him? Why do I feel like the flaws I have now are too much for him? Is my lying for the last ten years worse than Emerson cheating on him now? Maybe. I really don’t know. All I do know for sure is, that Zander deserves better than the
both
of us.

I slowly unbuckle myself and slide closer to Zander. His body tense and it makes me sad that he feels so uncomfortable around me right now. I lean up and press my lips to his cheek. When I pull back, I whisper, “I do love you Zander, so I’m doing the right thing. I’m sorry.”

As I start to jump out of the truck, I close my eyes and say the last thing eating at me. “You’re going to hate me more for this, but Emerson is cheating on you.” I jump out and close the door behind me.

Something touching my face wakes me the next morning. I peek up and spot Bray looking down at me, a large smile on her face. “Today is the day!”

With a sharp glare, I grab my pillow and cover my face, groaning into it. I have a massive headache from the alcohol I consumed yesterday and the little amount of sleep I got. I don’t have much choice though, I have to get up, as I have plans with Bray.

She decided that since it was the day of Zander’s wedding and she knew I’d be a wreck, we made plans for mani-pedi’s, lunch, then she was going to introduce me to her husband. By the time that is all finished up, the wedding will be done, I can collect Justin, and we can go fetch a movie or something.

Bray pulls the pillow away from my face and laughs until she sees my facial expression. “Hey, are you okay? I know yesterday was a pretty rough day for you all. If you want to reschedule, we can?”

I close my eyes again. “Thanks for the reminder. I wasn’t even thinking that. I got drunk last night and showed up at Zander’s after two a.m., pleading for him not marry Emerson.”

When I don’t get a reaction, I peek one of my eyes open to see Bray grinning from ear to ear. “Really? Really, really? You did that? That is- Um. So is there a wedding today or not?” She scratches her head as I remain silent, giving her the answer. “Oh,” she says, looking away. She stands from the bed and starts playing with things on the computer desk. “Well up, up, up. We got plans today. Take your mind off it all.”

“Want to go get me some Tylenol first?” I ask.

She laughs, walking towards the door. “Yes ma’am.”

              I climb out of bed, pressing my fingers against both temples, rubbing light circles. I guess I better perk up and look forward to a day with my long lost best friend. Grabbing a pair dark blue jean shorts, a white tank, and my undergarments, I make my way into the hall the same time Bray is making her way towards me. I smile at the glass of water and the Tylenol in her hand.

              Once I take the Tylenol, I thank her and tell her I’ll be quick. Looking back at my reflection in the mirror, I feel even worse. I look like hell. My eyes are puffy from crying myself to sleep, and my hair is completely greasy and matted to my head. With a sigh, I ignore myself and turn to start the shower.

              “Blue.”

              “Red.”

              I turn my head to look at Bray with a raised Bray. “Baby blue?” It comes out more like a question.

              She shakes her head no with a sly smile. “Red. Dark pink. No… zebra print!”

              I glare at her. “No way in hell.”

              “Purple?”

              I roll my eyes. “I’ll go with light pink.”

              The manicurist looks at us like we’re smoking some serious drugs. “Light pink then?” the lady asks.

              I grin. “Light pink.”

              Bray snorts. “Pathetic. I’m going with neon green.”

              We both relax into our seats as our manicurists take our hands and make our nails look pretty. Well, my nails will look pretty, hers will look like she is ten. Oh well, we’ve always had different tastes with things. We always
did
that is. I think that is why we became so close when we were younger. She was the devil, I was the angel, and together we just made sense.

              Once our nails are done, we relax into the oversized leather chairs and they work on our feet. We got our colors matching our fingers, and I’m not going to lie, this is exactly what I’ve needed all along. Its relaxing and the stress just rolls off me. The only thing that would feel better right now is if I were to get a massage.

              The two of us sip on our complimentary wine and skip conversation. If not for the ticklish feel on my feet every now and again, I’m sure I’d fall asleep. Once our toes are done, we both sit in our chairs, waiting for the paint to dry, then we get up and make our way to the cashier.

              Just as we’re finishing up, Bray says, “There, that was great! Now for some lunch at the Olive Garden, and you can tell me all about you showing up at Zander’s last night.”

              We turn around and spot Emerson standing behind us with Faith and who I assume to be her two bridesmaids.
Oh shit, they must be getting their nails done for the wedding.
Her hands are perched on her hips and she is smiling at me in a
gotcha!
type of way. “Yes, what were you doing at
our
house last night? And how come I didn’t know about this?”

              I try to avoid looking in Faith’s direction, not wanting to make this anymore awkward for her, and not to give away that I repeated her secret. I play it off, trying to act nonchalant about the whole ordeal. “Oh, I just showed up last night before I headed home to ask him about if you guys have a honeymoon or anything, because we’re leaving on Thursday and if he wanted to spend more time with Justin, now is the time.”

              Hey, its not a complete lie. That may not be the reason I actually went there, but that was all said. And she seems to believe me. “Well, then, sorry you two are leaving. Its been nice to get to know Justin. I’m sure Zander is going to miss him.” She smiles sweetly and I kind of want to gag. Its interesting how she can so easily put on this sweet, innocent act in front of everyone, including her friends. Does anyone besides me call bullshit? Then again, I thought she was perfection before last night, that is why I was so damn jealous of her. Now I hate her.

              “Yeah, sorry for just showing up. Have a great wedding, Emerson.” It hurts my heart to say that, but its obvious Zander made his choice- he didn’t believe me and he is going to marry Emerson no matter what.

              “Thank you, Lexi,” she says as I start to walk off with Bray. I wave in Faith’s direction and try to give her an apologetic look. I have a feeling she had no idea about me showing up at Zander’s last night either, and I’m sure her heart is pounding wondering if I ratted her out or not.

              Once we get out of the mall, Bray tosses her arm around my shoulders. “I hate that girl.”

              “You’re not the only one.”

              “Let’s go get drunk.”

              For once, getting drunk before noon actually sounds like a grand idea!

I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you.

Then I saw that you were not perfect,

And I loved you even more.

–Unknown

              “Shots?” I look at Bray in disgust when the bartender turns from us to get us a total of six shots of something called Gladiator.

              She grins at me. “Unless you want the straight Whiskey?”

              “No way!” I shake my head back and forth.

              “At least I’m letting you have a chaser.”

              I scoff. “Yeah, one that contains alcohol!”

              She waves it off as if this is no big deal. Does she not know I’m going to be throwing up before I’m finished three shots and a drink? It’s all hard alcohol, something I cannot handle.

“Listen,” she says, “the love of your life is about to get married to some cheating whore. You still have to decide if you’re going back to Ohio or sticking around Arlington. You’re mom just passed away, and you’re kind of in the middle of hell. Get drunk, throw up a little, drink some more, and pass the hell out. You need it, girlfriend. And I’ll be there to hold your hair, and to place wet cloths on your forehead. Whatever it is you need.”

              The bartender slides a tray of our shots and drinks in front of us and smiles sadly in my direction. “On the house. Sounds like you need it.” He winks in my direction before walking away.

              Bray slaps my arm and when I look at her dumbfounded, she grins wider than ever. “Hell yeah! Let’s get these babies thrown down.”

              I pucker up before I even place the first shot glass to my lips. I can smell the whiskey and it causes me to shiver all over, but I also can smell a hint of citrus and decide this can’t be all that bad. Can it? Ugh, well here goes nothing. I cling my glass with Bray and toss back the shot. It burns deep in the back of my throat and I can’t help pinching my face together as I smack my hand down on the table. “Fuck,” I shot out.

              Bray’s eyes are wide when I look in her direction. “Loving the potty mouth,” she says. I roll my eyes at her and she picks up another shot. “Round two, lets go!”

              By the time we get through the first three shots- surprisingly with no chaser- we start sipping on our drinks. My entire body is warm and buzzing, but I like the feeling. We skipped out on the Olive Garden and came to this bar and grill instead, then we had a small lunch before she ordered the shots. That is when I told her absolutely everything about what happened yesterday with Zander, including him coming to my rescue. It’s probably a good thing we ate first, because I’d probably already be hammered if not.

              “I don’t think I should meet your hubby today,” I tell her.

              She laughs. “Because you’re drinking?” I nod my head. “That is fine, we can do that tomorrow if you want instead. If you’re able to get out of bed.”

              “I can’t just lay in bed tomorrow, I’ll just wallow in self pity, and that is not me. I need to hold my head high and be strong.”

              “You’ve seen what happens when you do that for too long.”

              “What do you mean?” I ask.

              She places her drink down on the table and looks very serious. “You take all your excessive energy and force it into making things right with your son, or working hard, or this or that. You don’t take any time for yourself, because you don’t want to feel bad for yourself. You don’t think you deserve moments of your own. And good for you, I’m glad you’re doing so great, and I’m thrilled that you’ve made such a wonderful life for yourself and Justin. But because of that, you’re still single, you don’t ever get laid, you’re still obsessed with a man you haven’t even seen or even talked to in a decade. You need to take time out of your busy schedule to be happy, Lexi. Truly happy, not this facade of happiness.”