Forgiving Lies (3 page)

“Oh no. No, no, no, no, no!” I started backing up but ended up against Blake’s chest. His arms circled around me, effectively keeping me there. I felt his silent laughter.

“I take it you know about this then. Ever seen it?”

“No, and there’s a reason. I’m terrified of—” Just then, close to a million bats took flight from underneath the bridge. A small shriek escaped my lips and I clamped my hands over my mouth, like my sound would attract the bats to me.

There was nothing silent about his next laugh. Blake tightened his arms around me and I leaned into him more. I’d like to say it was purely because my biggest fear was flying out around me, but I’d be lying if I said his musky cologne, strong arms, and chest had nothing to do with it either. This was something I’d wanted for years, and I almost couldn’t believe that I was finally there, in his arms.

I continued to watch in utter horror and slight fascination as the stream of bats, which seemed to never end, continued to leave the shelter of the bridge and fly out into the slowly darkening sky.

Minutes later, Blake leaned in and put his lips up against my ear. “Was that really so bad?”

Forcing my hand from my mouth, I exhaled shakily and shook my head. “Not as bad as I’d imagined. Doesn’t change the fact that they are ugly and easily the grossest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“But now you can say you’ve faced one of your fears.”

“The biggest.”

“See?” He let go of me and started walking again in the direction we’d come from. “You up for a drink?”

I realized I was still shaking so I nodded my head and followed him. “Just one though.”

We walked for well over half an hour while Blake tried to re-create my shriek at seeing the bats and I accused him of doing that with every girl so he’d have an excuse to put his arms around her. The air between us was much more relaxed this time as he asked about my life after he’d joined the air force. I told him all about the end of middle school and high school but never once mentioned my parents. I wasn’t sure if he knew about them or not, but there was no point in bringing up that hurt. Besides, if he had known, he hadn’t even come back for the funeral. Just as we were passing the school, Blake slid his hand down my arm and intertwined our fingers.

“Rachel, why did you finally agree to go out with me?”

When I looked up, I was surprised at his somber expression. I would have expected something a little more taunting. “Do you want me to answer that honestly?”

“I’d appreciate it. I’ve asked you out for . . . shit. I don’t know, nine months now? No matter what I said, your answer was always no. Until last night.”

“Well . . .” I looked down at the sidewalk passing beneath our feet.

“You can tell me, it’s fine. You never were one to hide your feelings. And your hate for me lately has been a little more than apparent. I’m already expecting the worst.”

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t exactly like you . . . anymore.” I squinted up at him and nudged his side with the arm he still had a firm grip on.

He gave a little grunt with a forced smile.

“Um, Candice is always bugging me for turning you down. She said she would stop if I agreed to one date with you.” I know, I know, I could have made something up that wasn’t so harsh. But I didn’t. If I hadn’t looked back down, I probably would have missed the pause in his step.

“Figures.” We walked for a few more minutes before he paused and turned to me. “I’m not going to make you go out with me.”

“You aren’t. I said I’d go.”

He raised an eyebrow, making it disappear under his shaggy hair. “You also told me earlier today that we weren’t going anymore. I’m just letting you know I’ll stop. All of it. Asking you all the time, what I did today. And I’ll talk to Candice.”

“Blake—”

“No, Rach, I should have stopped a long time ago. I’m sorry you felt pressured into it last night. I want you to
want
to go on a date with me. I don’t want you to go just so she’ll drop it or because you want me to quit asking. Which I will.” I couldn’t tell if he looked more embarrassed or hurt.

Is it ridiculous that I want to comfort him?
“I want to go.”

“No, you don’t.”

Okay, still somewhat true. “I didn’t . . . before.”
Ugh, who am I kidding. He knows I’m lying anyway.
“Look, I don’t know what you want me to say. You can’t exactly blame me for not wanting to go out with you.” He looked as if I’d slapped him. I hurried on before I could chicken out on the rest. “I mean, come on, Blake, you were rumored to be screwing all these students, coworkers, and faculty. And not once did you try to shut down those rumors. Add to that, the Blake I grew up with is completely gone; now you’re usually kind of a douche. Why
would
I want to go out with someone like that?”

“Rumors are going to spread no matter what I do. The more I try to stop them, the guiltier I look. Trust me. As for you thinking I’m a douche . . .” His voice trailed off and he ran a hand through his hair. “Try seeing it from my side. The only girl I’ve wanted for years now and can’t get out of my head no matter what I do repeatedly blows me off like I’m nothing.”

Did he say
years?

Letting go of my hand, he turned away from me and ran a hand agitatedly through his hair. “Come on, I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

“What about drinks?”

“I’m not going to make you do this, Rachel.”

“Blake, why can’t you just be like this all the time? If how you were growing up, last night, and the last hour was how you always were . . . I probably wouldn’t have ever turned you down.”

He huffed a sad laugh. “Yeah, well . . . obviously I’ve already fucked that up.”

I watched him begin walking in the direction of the dorms and squeezed my eyes shut as I called after him, “You know, you kinda traumatized me tonight. I feel like you owe me a beer.” Peeking through my eyelashes, I saw him stop but not turn around. “And maybe dinner on Friday night?”

When Blake turned to face me, his smile was wide and breathtaking.

2

Rachel

D
RINKS WITH
B
LAKE
had actually been more fun than I would have thought, and we’d ended up spending Thursday afternoon and evening together as well. He seemed to slip back into the Blake that Candice and I had spent years following around. On Friday, when I stepped into the athletic center, I was met with three red roses and a heart-stopping grin. He’d said that regardless of his reasoning on Wednesday afternoon, he was counting the bats and bar on Wednesday, and movies on the couch in my dorm room on Thursday, as dates. So Friday night would be our third and deserved three roses.

I’m not gonna lie, I totally did the
aww, you’re so sweet
girly thing as I took the roses from him and kissed his cheek in front of the circle of girls he was doing pretty well at fully ignoring. When Candice dragged me out of the center not even an hour later to go get a pedicure and have me start getting ready for the date, she pressed me for every single detail of my time with Blake thus far. She was really rooting for this whole actually-being-related thing.

He was sweet, attentive, and completely down-to-earth. But I was glad he was still giving me my space. Even being alone in the dorm room with me for three movies, he never once tried to pull me into his arms and had yet to try to kiss me. Which Candice was taking as a bad sign. I rolled my eyes at that assumption. Now that Blake was finally getting his dates, he was letting me take this at the speed I wanted, and I couldn’t have been more thankful.

But then Friday night was just . . . odd.

Blake picked me up in his silver Lexus convertible and took me to the Oasis, a restaurant sitting on the lake with the most amazing view as the sun set, which it began to do just after we’d arrived. I honestly don’t think I’d ever seen anything more beautiful, and just as I began to tell Blake that, our waiter arrived to take our drink order. Without a word, Blake handed him both menus and placed our order for our food and drinks. I hadn’t even looked at the menu yet. The food was just as he said it would be, to die for. But from the way he continued to treat me I was expecting him to cut my meat and feed me himself by the time our food got there.

Conversation was at a standstill until we were back in his car.

“Want to go for drinks again?” he asked suddenly, halfway back to campus.

Obviously he had missed how awkward the last hour had been. “Two margaritas are more than enough for me. I’m good.”

His laugh boomed throughout the small car as his hand fell onto my upper thigh and gave a little squeeze. “Okay, no drinks. Anything else you want to do?”

“Um . . .”

“Do you like horses?”

“Horses?” That wasn’t something I’d been expecting. “Of course I like horses.”

“So how about we go for a carriage ride down Sixth Street before I take you home? Sound good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Rachel, did I do something? I feel like we’ve gone back a few steps.”

“No, I’m sorry . . . I’m just tired. I’ve felt off all day. Is it okay if you take me back?”

“Of course there’s always tomorrow!”

I stifled a groan and smashed myself as close to the side of the car as possible. The entire way back he kept his hand on my thigh and continued to rub his thumb back and forth. In an effort to not smack it away, I crossed my arms under my chest and resorted to burning imaginary holes in his hand with my eyes. After we got to campus he walked me all the way to my room before trapping me against the door frame and leaning in. I turned my head away at the last minute but that didn’t seem to faze him. Grabbing my hips and pressing his body closer to mine, he started kissing a line down my neck, and I swear he smelled my hair before groaning. I tried not to gag.

“Blake, please? Can we not do this?”

He pulled back and his blue eyes flared. “Fine.” The way he looked at me from under his eyelashes caused a chill to run down my spine. And not a good one. “I’ll see you later.” Without another word he pushed off me, turned, and stalked down the hallway.

“R
ACH, WAKE UP
and tell. Me.
Every
thing!”

Cracking my eyes open the next morning, I looked at a too-perky Candice and groaned. “Where were you when I got back last night?”

“With Jeff.” She dismissed his name with a wave of her hand. “Now, tell me about your date!”

“Wow, Jeff too, huh? Nice, Candi.”

“Don’t stall!”

Pulling myself up so I was resting on my elbows, I didn’t even feel like sugarcoating the prior night. “It was awful.”

Her eyes went wide. “What do you mean? What’d you do?”

Bitch.
“Why is it that I had to do something?”

“Um, let’s see.” She started counting on her fingers. “One, you didn’t want to go out with him in the first place. Two, unlike Wednesday and Thursday, Blake didn’t text me after to tell me about your time together. Three, you didn’t want to go out with him in the first place.”

“You already said that.”

“Exactly, that’s a big enough one that it counts for two! So what happened?”

I sighed and flopped onto my bed. “It was just weird. It’s like we had nothing to talk about. Which was crazy because we talked the entire time we were together on Wednesday and Thursday. And he didn’t even let me see a menu; he ordered for me. Like I was a three-year-old or something.”

“Is that all?”

“Well, yeah. Oh! And when we were on our way back he just started acting like the night had been completely normal and not awkward in any way. Then when we got back, he pushed me up against the door and started kissing my neck. I kind of asked him to stop and he got weird. Like creepy, scary weird . . . and then he just up and left. I don’t know, the whole night was just a bust.”

Candice didn’t say anything; she just sat there staring at me.

“What?”

“Are you insane? You told him to stop kissing you?!”

Really? That was all she got from what I told her?
“Yeah, we had a bad date; why would I want him to kiss me? Maybe if it had gone something like the first two nights I wouldn’t have—”

“No, no. Rachel. Oh my God. We need to fix this. I can’t believe you still managed to mess up the date after everything I went over with you yesterday!”

“Wow.” I shook my head and let my arms give out so I face-planted into my pillow again. I was so dumbfounded I didn’t even know what to say anymore.

After running to a café to grab a quick breakfast, we made our way back to
hopefully
study for finals, which were next week. But from the way Candice had tried to lecture me on all I probably had done wrong on the date during breakfast, I doubted much studying would take place if it involved her.

Not even two minutes after getting back into our room, there was a knock on the door. And surprise freaking surprise. Blake West. With
four
red roses.

“You do realize it’s not even nine on a Saturday,” I said. And yes, I laid the California-bitch tone on thick.

Blake didn’t miss a beat, and his smirk didn’t falter. “Morning, Rach. Can I take you out to breakfast?”

“Oh, we just ate!”
Darn.
I didn’t even try to sound disappointed.

Candice gave me a look that I pretended not to notice.

“Well, that’s okay.” His smile was full of easy confidence. “How about we go grab some coffee instead?”

“I actually need to start studying for my finals.”

“All the more reason for coffee now; it’ll keep you awake.”

Dear Lord, what is it with him and Candice? Do they not get hints? Must come from her mom’s side of the family.
“Sure, why don’t we all go? Candice, you want to get coffee?”

“Nah, I’m good. I just texted Eric to come over in a few to help me, um, study.”

Traitor.
I glanced back at a victorious-looking Blake. “Could you give me a couple minutes?”

“See you down there.” He handed me the four roses, winked, and walked down the hall.

“Eric today, huh? I’m sure you two will get tons of studying done. Maybe I should stay and help you; you can’t afford to fail this thing.

“You better go!” She looked me over and raised an annoyed eyebrow. “Please tell me you’re going to change.”

I looked down at my yoga pants and off-the-shoulder Iron Maiden concert shirt. “Ha! No, definitely not. It’s early in the morning, and we’re just getting coffee. Which means I get to stay skanked up.”

“You do not stay skanked up when you’re trying to get the man of your dreams to fall in love with you! You stay skanked up if no one is going to see you! You know this, Rachel.”

Love? God, this whole dating-her-cousin thing was making her more dramatic than usual. I threw my long, dark hair up into a cute messy bun, grabbed my purse, and sighed heavily. “See you later.”

Blake didn’t say a word to me as I slid into the passenger seat of his car, and he continued to stay silent as we drove to one of the Starbucks near campus. The only acknowledgment he made of my presence was to put his hand high up on my thigh again and hold tight. Too tight. And not much changed once we were finally in the shop. Conversation didn’t happen, his hand was back on my thigh, and we had four different stare-downs.

I only won one of those.

At least he let me order my own coffee. That was honestly the only good part of this morning.

I was barely able to hold in my sigh of relief when my phone chimed.

“Who is that?” Blake’s eyebrows were pulled down, and he seemed more than a little annoyed.

Only checking the text preview on the lock screen, I shrugged. “Oh, it’s just a friend, he wants to get a study group together tonight.” I started to put my phone back in my purse when his hand shot out and grabbed on to my arm, effectively keeping it suspended above my purse.

“Well, it’s rude to keep him waiting. Aren’t you going to answer him?” He looked like he was struggling to keep himself in check.

I tried to pull my arm back and he finally released it. Sheesh, what was his problem? It was just a text. “Sure, I guess.”

“Just let him know you can’t go.”

“Excuse me?”

He leaned forward and his eyes narrowed. “I’d prefer that you study with Candice.”

Now I was getting mad. He didn’t own me, he definitely wasn’t my boyfriend, and this was Aaron. The same gay guy that Blake didn’t like “looking at me.” “And since when do you get to decide who I hang out with? Look, maybe I’ve been giving you the wrong impression over the last few days, but we aren’t together. You have no say in what I do.”

Like a switch had been flipped, his face went back to its usual smooth, sexy expression. “You’re right. Actually I think it’s a good idea for you to study with some other people besides Candice; I’m sure you wouldn’t get anywhere with her.”

Wait. What? The sudden change in his mood made me almost feel dizzy. It was like I had my own personal Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sitting next to me.

When I could finally get my mouth to stop opening and shutting like a fish, I shook my head and exhaled roughly. “Speaking of, I really need to get back to campus.” I stood to leave without giving him the chance to say no.

Without another word, Blake followed me out to the car. We didn’t say anything on the drive back but he put his hand on my thigh again. Was I imagining how tight he was holding it? When we arrived at the dorm, he parked in one of the spaces rather than letting me out in front. I grabbed the handle to open the door and he pushed down on my thigh, gripping it tighter. I turned to look at him and was surprised to see he still looked light and easygoing.

“I’ll get the door for you. Wait here for just a second.”

Crap, I hope he isn’t going to walk me to my room. I bet Candice still has Eric in there with the door locked.
As soon as he released me, my thigh throbbed from the relief of the pressure he’d put on it and I almost wished I was wearing shorts so I could look at the damage I was making myself believe he’d done. The passenger door opened and I stepped out without looking up at him. We walked without saying anything and I made sure to put some distance between us. I was relieved when he began to slow down as we reached the main entrance of the dorm.

“Well, thanks for the coff—”

He caught me around the waist, pushed me up against the wall, and kissed me roughly, interrupting my good-bye. Before I had time to realize what was happening and push him away, his body left mine and he started backing up toward his car.

“I’ll see you later.” He winked, then turned away from me.

I have no idea what my face looked like; I couldn’t even pin down an emotion. I was disgusted, annoyed, confused, and pissed. It took a second before I was able to compose myself. I shook out my arms and walked up to my room.

I didn’t know if I was ready to tell Candice about this, or if I even wanted to. Knowing her, she’d somehow turn it around so that I had done something wrong or I didn’t know how to kiss. Needless to say, I was dreading facing her. Luck was on my side. Eric must still have been in there, because the door was locked, and on the mini whiteboard attached to our wall in Candice’s writing were the words “
DON’T
come in.” I texted Candice, asking her to put my laptop and books outside while I went to the bathroom so I wouldn’t be subjected to a flushed and rumpled Candice and Eric. After I picked those up, I went back to the common room and pulled out my phone to finally text Aaron back.

Sounds good. What time and where?

AARON:

7p @ Starbucks

Great. Like I wanted to go there again. I sighed, cracked open a book, and tried not to think about Blake.

W
ITH THE STUDYING
I’d done before the group and the five hours with them, I felt fully prepared for this final and was glad it was on Monday. Once that was out of the way, I only had two days left of easy finals and this year would be over.

I was still wired from all the espresso I’d sucked down in the last few hours, and since it was a twenty-four-hour Starbucks, I decided to stay in the café and write in my journal. After my parents’ accident, Candice’s parents tried everything to get me to talk. I think they were afraid I would never come out of my depression. Her brother, Eli, had been the only one who had known how to handle me—so to speak. He’d been home from college for the summer when the accident happened, and unlike his first few years away, he came back every weekend to see me once school started up again. He would hold me while I stared off into space and never spoke a word. Eli’s form of healing was my favorite, since it was silent, but we all knew he couldn’t be there for me forever. One night when I got home from school there was a journal on my bed with a note from Candice’s dad, George. He suggested using the journal to write to my parents like they were still here. At first it freaked me out, but I told him I would try, and I’m glad I did. Even I could see the difference in myself. I wrote to them every day, even if it was just a few lines. But I viewed it as a way of continuing our family time. Every night after dinner while I was growing up, we’d pile on the couches, turn on the TV, and talk about our day while watching whatever shows were on that night. So that’s what I did. I just told them what was going on in my life like I would have if they were still there.