Forsaken (5 page)

“Well? What does it matter?”

“It matters because you don’t want me,” I scream, shocking myself with my own words.

“Exactly,”

“Why Nate?
Why did you want her?”

“I didn’t want her!” he roars, “I never fucking wanted her.”

“Why wouldn’t you do it with me then? Why am I not good enough?”

“What is going on here?”

We both turn to see Ryder standing in the doorway.

“Your girlfriend can’t seem to grasp what the hell is happening here.”

“What are you on about Nate?” Ryder asks, confused.

“She just walked in on Trey and I, she couldn’t walk away.”

I flush, “So what? That has nothing to do with this.”

“No, you are right, it doesn’t. Why don’t you tell him what is really happening?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about?” I cry.

“Fuck, will you two just stop,
” Ryder snaps, “What the fucking hell is going on?”

“She is furious that I don’t want her,” Nate snarls, “And she is yet to figure out it isn’t just jealousy over Janelle.”

“What is it then?” I cry, tears stumble down my cheeks.

“It’s because you are in love with me.”

Ryder and I both fall silent.

“What?” I whisper, “O
f course I love you.”

“Yes, you think you love me as a friend but it is more than that, you are
in
love with me.”

“What?” I croak, “No.”

“What are you playing at Nate?” Ryder snaps.

“Back off Ryder, she needs to face this. I shouldn’t have to live with guilt over Janelle for the rest of my fucking life.”

“So you are making shit up and causing fights?”

“It isn’t shit, ask her, make her admit it,” Nate yells.

“Back down Nate, now…”

“Get fucked Ryder.”

Suddenly, the two men are going at it. Fists and arms are swinging. I stumble backwards and gape as Ryder drives a fist into Nate’s face, to which Nate retaliates with a fist to Ryder’s stomach. They stumble over the back of the couch, and smash into the coffee table. I scream, and Trey comes rushing out.

“Stop it!” I cry.

“You fucking asshole,” Ryder snarls, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You two live in a fucking fantasy,” Nate spits, blood pours from his lip, “You and I both know what is really going on here. You just don’t want to see it because
God forbid your girl might want to put you in that position with me again.”

“I don’t care about the past
Nate; I never had a problem with it.”

“You do have a problem with it, you can’t stand that your best mate fucking loves you more than he should, you can’t stand it.”

“I don’t care!” Ryder roars.

“Yes you fucking do, it has been a problem for years now. Just admit it Ryder, just admit you are shit scared that Maya might love me as much as you, and fuck it all up.”

“So what if she loves you? I don’t have a problem with that, or you.”

“Wake up to yourself!”

“Stop it!” Trey snarls, “Enough.”

“Fuck off Trey,” Ryder hisses.

“No, you two aren’t doing this now. Nate, let’s go.”

I stand watching them, my lips trembling. So many things in that moment become clear.
One is that Ryder does truly have an issue with Nate having feelings for him. Two is that Nate is right, what I am angry about isn’t because of jealousy over Janelle. Three is that I am in love with Nate, and that scares the hell out of me. I turn, and I rush out of the room, desperate to get away.

I rush back to my apartment, and
run through the front door and straight into Sandy, who is carrying a bag of washing. She drops the bag and grips my shoulders, forcing me to come to a stop. Tears are thundering down my cheeks, blurring my vision. How did I not realize what was happening in front of me? This confuses everything; this just makes everything seem so much worse.

“Hey, what is happening?” Sandy says, stroking my tears.

“I love him,” I whimper.

“What?”

“Nate, I love him.”

“I know that.”

“No Sandy,” I choke, “I am in love with him.”

Her face falls,
“Like you love Ryder?”

“Yes, like I love Ryder.”

“Oh…”

“How could I be so stupid? What sort of idiot falls in love with a gay man?”

She leads me over to the couch and sits me down, “Honey, it’s not abnormal. Nate has been a huge part of your life from the start, along with Ryder. It isn’t completely crazy that you might feel something for him too, of course you do.”

“He is gay!” I cry.

“So? That doesn’t mean you won’t feel something. Ok, it isn’t the best thing that could happen, but you do honestly think you are the only woman in the world to fall in love with someone they can’t have?”

“He is
gay; it isn’t about what I can’t have.”

“Isn’t it? It is no different to any other situation where a woman can’t have a man, just because he is gay, doesn’t mean it is different. Look, maybe you are looking at this all wrong. Nate and Ryder have been with you since the beginning, you met them both at the same time. You fell in love with Ryder automatically, because you knew you could have him. You didn’t think about it with Nate, why would you? He is gay and you automatically shut off.”

“Ryder will be so hurt,” I whisper.

“Ryder knows.”

I snap my head up, “What?”

“He knows, do you think he is that simple?”

“Why wouldn’t he say anything?”

“Because he probably didn’t think it mattered, you and Nate will never be more than what you are.”

“I know that.”

“It makes sense now
, doesn’t it? Why you hurt so much over Nate being with Janelle. It wasn’t about jealousy; it was about the fact that he didn’t want you that way and it hurt.”

“How are we going to get past this?” I whisper.

“It will be fine, it will work out Maya, I promise.”

The front door opens, and I watch as Nate and Ryder step inside. They are both bloody and panting, Ryder’s gaze falls on me and he gives me a weak smile.

“Ryder…” I whisper, standing.

I rush over and take his face in my hands, turning it from side to side.

“I am good, we are all good. You and Nate need to talk.”

“No, I don’t…”

“Yes, Maya,” Ryder says, taking my face in his hands, “This needs to be resolved.”

“You aren’t mad?”

He shakes his head. “No, I have known for a long time.”

“And you chose to keep it from me?”

“You had to work that one out on your own.”

“But…”

“I have to do a shift tonight, work want me to come back in; I will be back in a few hours ok?”

I nod, biting my lip and turning to Nate who is staring intently at me. Ryder kisses me softly, and strokes my cheek before leaving. Sandy hurries off to her room, and I turn and walk down to mine. Nate follows
me; neither of us says anything until the door is closed behind us. I sit on the bed, and stare up at him. I don’t know what to say? I feel awkward just sitting here with him, knowing he knows.

“Maya, I am sorry ok? I shouldn’t have come down on you like that.”

I nod, swallowing. “It’s ok.”

“Look, I went about it all wrong and I shouldn’t have. I never explained why I did what I
did; I just used Ryder as an excuse. He was the reason I fucked Janelle, it wasn’t because of any feelings towards her. It was wrong, and the reason I don’t and won’t do it with you, is because you are different. You love me Maya, and Ryder loves you, it would ruin everything. Ryder isn’t the type to share, not forever anyway. You are his, you always have been and we three getting into something like that, could ruin what we have. I won’t do it, and I won’t risk everything for a moment of pleasure.”

“What about the kiss?” I whisper.

“The idea of you and Ryder aroused me, it wasn’t just him.”

“You said…”

“Maya, I am gay ok? I prefer men, and I want men. I would be lying if I said I had interest in women, but you…it is different with you because I love you and I know I can’t give you what it is you want. I could never be what you want me to be, not without lying to you and myself. Kissing you was good for me, I truly enjoyed it, but it isn’t the way I would enjoy kissing a man. I know what you want, but I can’t give it to you.”

“You are wrong,” I whisper, “I don’t want you to be different, or give me what you gave Janelle. I just wanted…I just wanted to know that I was good enough.”

“Maya, if the situation was different, then yes, I would have done it with you. The reason I didn’t is not because you aren’t good enough, it is because you are too good.”

I feel my eyes well up and Nate sits on the bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me.

“It hurts Nate; I don’t understand how this happened. I love Ryder; I thought it was simple until this…”

“It will stay
simple; you don’t have to make it complicated. Are you jealous of Trey?”

“What? No.”

“Exactly, you love me, but it isn’t in the way you love Ryder.”

“I am in love with you Nate, it isn’t just friendship.”

“I know, but you have accepted what I am, even though you love me. You know I am gay, you have resigned yourself to the fact that you won’t have me in that way.”

“Then why does it hurt?”

“Because it was a shock,”

“Will this ruin us Nate?”

“God no bubba, of course it won’t.”

“I’m sorry I walked in on you and Trey.”

“It’s ok, it doesn’t matter.”

“I was just so
shocked; I have never seen you like that and…”

“It’s ok to enjoy watching something like that.”

“It was wrong of me.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Do you love him, Nate?”

“Trey?”

“Yeah?”

“I think so…he is so mad at me now though.”

“It will get better,” I whisper, nestling into him.

“I hope so.”

“So, we still get to kiss don’t we?”

He laughs, “Sure, I wouldn’t give that up.”

I beam and look up at him, he brings his lips down over mine and his kiss is soft and gentle. When he pulls back, his eyes are smiling. “For what it’s worth, if I wasn’t gay, I would go for someone as beautiful as you. I would have you beneath me every day, without a doubt.”

“Well thanks,” I laugh, “I think.”

“Are we good, bubba?”

“We are good
, cowboy.”

~*~*~*~

“Hey, wanna get Lazy Joe’s for dinner?” Nate asks later that evening, as we stand around his kitchen waiting for Ryder.

“Oh hell yeah,
Fettuccini…”

“
Spaghetti,”

“
Fettuccini,”

“Nah ah, Spaghetti is the only way to go.”

I laugh and slap Nate on the shoulder, “Both.”

“Ok deal, go and take a walk with Sandy, get some movies.”

“Come with?”

“I will order the food.”

I kiss him again, and then rush towards the door, “Any preference?”

“Something fucking soppy,
”

I laugh the whole way out of the apartment. I fetch Sandy and we walk down to the movie store and pick out some movies. After a lot of debate, we go with
a walk to remember, he did ask for soppy. When we get back to our apartment, we change into our pajamas and walk back over to Nate’s. When we get in, he is spooning out food onto bowls. My stomach grumbles.

“Oh yum!”

He looks up and grins, “Hey Sandy, you girls look cute.”

“Cute, he wounds me,
” Sandy frowns, but her lips quirk.

“Ok, you girls look so fucking sexy my dick just got hard.”

I roll my eyes and shove him, “Nate, you don’t say the word dick and it is kind of scary when you do.”

“And hot,
” Sandy mumbles.

Nate looks at her, then at me and winks.

“Ohhhhh Fettuccini,” I moan, spooning some into my mouth.

“Ugh, bring on the spaghetti,
” Sandy says, giving me a grin.

“Oh, you are just siding with Nate, that’s mean.”

“Mean is my middle name.”

We take our bowls and curl up onto the couch. Sandy is out
mid-way through the movie and I am out just before the end. My head is resting against Nate’s chest and I fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. I am woken only when the door swings open and Ryder comes storming in. He slams his phone down on the bench with a curse. I bolt up and look over the back of the couch.