Fortune Knocks Once (19 page)

~~~

Colin took the steps of the veranda two at a time as he rushed into the castle after traveling from London nonstop, with little rest or sustenance on the way. The days traveling had taken a heavy toll on his nerves. Anger and fear had played havoc for the upper hand during the long days and nights since leaving London.  But sighting the castle from the boat had boosted his flagging energy and he now moved purposefully with the intention of finding Charlotte and holding her in his arms until reassured that all was fine.

The first person he encountered in the castle was Lizzie. He rushed over to her and felt resentment rising in his throat pushing aside the fear.  “How is she?” he asked harshly. “Or am I not to know that either?” he added sarcastically. “I am just her husband, not anyone of any importance. Did you even
think
to send for me? Thank God for Gil deciding I had a right to know. Dammit, tell me—how is she?”

Lizzie eyed him carefully, wiped a stray strand of hair off her face and responded to him slowly and carefully as one handled an unknown stray dog that could attack. She placed a hand gently on his arm.

“Calm down, Colin. Charlotte is fine,” Lizzie explained, purposefully not reacting to his anger. “The doctor says it was a complete and easy miscarriage, if there can be such a thing. Physically she is doing wonderfully and future children should not be jeopardized.”

“I don’t care about future children dammit, I care about her.”

“Yes, well, despite everything, Colin, somehow I believe you. I think you do care for her. But unfortunately for you, I am not the one you need to convince of that. And I am afraid losing the baby has gone hard on her. I am not sure she has anything left for you. She has been grieving very hard indeed. I might even say she is inconsolable.”

As she spoke, Colin noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the lines of fatigue and worry around her mouth and his anger dissipated. Lizzie’s gown was rumpled and her hair disheveled. An aura of defeat surrounded her, totally at odds with her usually strong and composed demeanor. He had never seen her so discomposed.

He silently said a prayer of thanks that Lizzie had been there with Charlotte through it all. He had no doubt of Lizzie’s love and affection for his vulnerable wife.

“Where is she?” he asked gently, his aggressive posture softening.

“In the parlor, upstairs. She spends all her time there. I hoped she would play the piano and return to her singing. But she has not. And she won’t talk to anyone—not even to me.”

Colin quickly moved upstairs and into the room where he found her sitting by the window in a ray of sunshine, staring out over the estate with her beautiful brown eyes blank and glazed, obviously not seeing the landscape they perused.

He knelt at her feet and gently took her hand and stroked it as he spoke in a soothing, quiet voice. “Kitten, why didn’t you send for me? How could you not tell me?”

Charlotte looked at him and vacantly stared at him for several seconds. Then she slowly and deliberately turned her head away.

“G-g-go back to London,” she whispered in a flat quiet voice. “Do you think I n-n-need you? N-not any m-more, all f-f-feelings I had are dead,” she said in a voice devoid of feeling. “They died with the baby,” she whispered so softly that he almost couldn’t hear her.

I will never love you again. Before the baby died maybe we could have made a life, but not now. No one has ever loved me – my parents left me to the care of heartless, cruel men. But I have survived. I survived them and will survive you. You are no more to me now than they are.

Colin put his arms around her and raised her from the chair to take her in his arms. She bristled and struggled feebly to push him away but he tightened his hold. “No, Charlotte, I won’t accept that. I can’t.”

“I know I have been an idiot – but the truth is that you scared the devil out of me. With your innocent, open ways. I couldn’t stand seeing how vulnerable you were, how easily you could be hurt. I thought pulling away from you would be better for both of us.”

“I am n-n-not the l-l-little girl you m-m-married,” she said pushing him back, turning around and walking away from him.

“And I am not the hopeless drunk you married,” Colin whispered. “I haven’t had a drink in weeks – since you left me.”

Charlotte twirled around and angrily faced him with tears of anger welling in her eyes, “I left
you
!
Is that how you see it? That is enormously absurd,” she shouted sarcastically. “I didn’t leave you! You left me when we first arrived in London.”

“I know sweetheart, I know. I am so sorry about that.”

“And all those other women!!!” Charlotte continued shouting, tears streaming down her face.

“No, you mustn’t think that I….I never…not with any other woman, I swear Charlotte. I know you think I was unfaithful but I wasn’t. I thought by staying away from you I could stop myself from loving you, but I realize now I only stopped you from loving me.

“Charlotte, don’t send me away. Give me another chance. If you can’t forgive me, let me stay and earn it. Let me prove myself, but please don’t send me away again. I can’t go back to being alone.”

His words stilled her body and deflated her anger, leaving behind only exhaustion and abject misery.

I loved you so much, Colin. I adored you. I don’t think I can get that back.

As she started to turn away from him again, Colin gently touched her arm and in a voice breaking with emotion, softly crooned, “Baby, talk to me.”

Charlotte pulled her arm away but stood completely still without moving away from him or saying a word. Colin slowly reached for her hands and when she didn’t pull them away, grasped them tightly. “Maybe we should start over. Now you know the worst of me. I’m just a man, Kitten. I’m a great fellow but certainly not worthy of adoration,” he said in a halting, mocking manner. “If I stay sober and you…well, if you just accept me, as I am…we can make a go of it, eh?

She looked at him piercingly and stared into his face for several minutes. Her brown eyes burrowed into his.

I tried to make you into my knight in shining armor, didn’t I? But you have flaws and bad habits and make mistakes…just a man. Just a man with black eyes so dark and deep I can drown in them…with a beautiful strong body I ache to touch even now when I am so mad at you I can’t even talk…and your gentle hands...how I have missed those hands!

“Oh, Colin, our baby died!” she whispered so suddenly and so sorrowfully that it broke Colin’s heart to see her in such pain. Tears flowed from her eyes as she threw herself into his arms.

“I know, Kitten. I am so sorry I wasn’t here.” Engulfing her in a smothering embrace, he caressed her head and cheek soothingly. “Never again will I leave you alone like that. We will have another, I promise you,” he said gently and softly kissing her trembling lips.

“I lied to you, Colin,” she whispered.

With trepidation he pulled away from her to look down into her upturned face, dreading her answer. “About what?” he asked.

“I haven’t stopped loving you,” she whispered as she looked into his dark eyes, hugging him tightly around the waist. “I couldn’t stop loving you. I tried but I couldn’t. I
wanted
to but I couldn’t.”

Breaking into a huge rakish grin, Colin then stopped all further discussion by taking her mouth in a tender, deep kiss. As she wound her arms around his neck and returned it, they lost themselves in the familiar passion they had both missed so desperately.

~~~

“Is he here yet?” Charlotte whispered to Elizabeth frantically.

I am getting close, the pains are so close and hard. I need him Lizzie. If he doesn’t make it before the baby comes I don’t know what I will do. I am so afraid.

“He will be here darling,” Elizabeth cooed soothingly. “Gil went for him days ago. The poor man thought he had plenty of time to get back before the great event. This child is at least a month early. But I think that is good, the child will be small and easily born.” Elizabeth said these words with a warning glance to the midwife not to contradict her comforting assurances.

“But what if the child isn’t ready. It is coming too soon,” Charlotte said fearfully.

“Oh, my lady, many a baby of seven or eight months has come into this world none the worse for showing up early,” the midwife said heartily. “This babe will be a bonnie one, I’ve no doubt of that.”

Elizabeth continued to chatter away, hoping to distract Charlotte, but at the same time recognizing the rising fear betrayed by Charlotte’s eyes. Suddenly, a dirty and bedraggled Colin, gasping for breath, burst through the door.

“How is she, Elizabeth?” he asked frantically taking big gulps of air.

“I’m fine, my lord…” Charlotte answered breathlessly, “…now that you are here.”

“It’s Colin, luv. You must call me Colin,” he replied, smiling while taking her hand and kissing it repeatedly and gently. Then he pressed soft kisses to her head and neck. “But I am your lord, Kitten, and always will be.”

“Tis time to push my lady.” said the midwife.

Several hours later, Colin wearily trudged down to the library holding a small, blanket-wrapped bundle. Elizabeth followed behind him.

“You should put her in her cradle, Colin. Charlotte has fed her and now she needs to sleep.”

“She is sleeping! Stop nagging, Lizzie. If I want to hold my daughter, by God I will. Between you and that troublesome midwife, a man can’t have any peace in his own house.”

“But you haven’t behaved properly and you know it. You should not have been up there during the birth and fathers of your station do not hold their children, change their nappies or burp them. It isn’t natural.”

Looking back up the stairs, Colin murmured almost to himself, “She had better call me when Charlotte wakes up. Do you think I need to remind her again?”

“Good God, no! You have browbeaten that poor woman enough.”

“She did great, didn’t she Lizzie?”

“The midwife?”

“No, not the bloody midwife. Charlotte! She was magnificent, wasn’t she? Can you see why I love her so? And this wee one, have you ever seen a more beautiful babe?”

“Did you notice her head is just a tad misshapen?”

“Misshapen? What the bloody hell are you talking about Lizzie? …Why are you laughing?”

“Colin, my lad, you are making a cake of yourself. You know that don’t you? There are two of them now and only one of you. Are you sure you can handle this?”

Colin glanced at the baby in his arms and then looked at Elizabeth. “Not just this…I can handle anything that little woman upstairs throws my way,” he said with a wide smile and a wink. “With Charlotte beside me, I can handle anything.”