From Ashes (10 page)

“Go where?”

“Well, if you’re leaving my bed, I’m not about to let you sleep on a bare mattress in a bare room. Let’s go get whatever you want.”

“Really, Ty?” I smiled at him; this was my Tyler. “You’re not gonna be mad at me?”

Pulling me off the bed, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my nose. “I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried.”

“
D
O YOU LIKE
it?” Tyler asked hours later.

We’d made a trip to a few stores, and for the first time since I was six, I had a room and bathroom that were completely and utterly
me
. From the curtains and bedding to the lamps, throw rugs, and towels, all of it was warm, designed to be an escape, and would be perfect for curling up in and getting lost in books. “I love it.”

“I’m not going to lie, I’m gonna hate not sharing a room with you, but you did good. This screams Cassi.”

“I was just thinking that.” I sighed into his arms and let my head fall back to his chest. Now that we were dating . . . I guess . . . it was weird going from being so comfortable with Ty to having all our touches mean something. With the exception of actually kissing, every little thing we’d always done made it look like Tyler and I were already together. I hadn’t noticed it until tonight, and when I did, I couldn’t help but think about Gage and what he must have thought while we lived together. If he
had
ever wanted me, I was now understanding why it took him so long to act on it. I sucked in a quick breath and bit on the inside of my cheeks at the realization that Ty and I could have been a reason that nothing ever happened with Gage.

Tyler slowly rubbed my arms and kissed my neck. “I’m sorry you’re still hurting. I know I’m not him, but I’ll try to make it better.”

Of course Tyler knew what I was thinking without my telling him. I turned in his arms and let my hands glide through his hair. “You do. You always do, Ty. I don’t know how you haven’t noticed that you’re the one person in my life who it would kill me to lose. You’ve made my entire life better, you’ve always taken care of me and put me before yourself.”
Now it’s my turn.
I brought his face down to mine and kissed him slow and hard.

G
AGE

I
DIDN’T KNOW
what was easier, living with them and stomaching her walking out of his room every morning, or not living with them and not seeing them together. But of course, with the latter, I hadn’t seen her at all. It was the first of November . . . meaning I hadn’t seen her in three months. Three slow, torturous months. I still saw Tyler every Saturday morning, but for some reason he’d stopped mentioning her and stopped throwing their awkward relationship in my face every five seconds about a month and a half ago. It killed me not knowing how she was, and I hated missing her birthday, but I didn’t know how I would handle seeing her.

Last Saturday, Ty had asked me to start coming back to dinners, at least when all the guys came over, and I was seriously considering it so I could get my Cassidy fix, but there was something I had to do first. I had to see her without Tyler around, and since I had no idea what his schedule was like this semester, I was now driving up to Starbucks and hoping she would still be there.

I parked and walked around the side to the front doors; opening them, I swear to God my heart stopped right then. She was there, and she was more beautiful than I’d ever seen her. She was busy at the bar, so I ordered my drink without giving my name and, like the creep I was, stayed off to the side so I could watch her for a few minutes. Her long brown hair was pulled back, and her honey eyes were wide and bright as she smiled at something a coworker said.
God, that smile. I would do anything to make her smile again.
When her arm stretched out to pass a drink to a customer, I saw something on the inside of her forearm, but she moved too quickly for me to get a good enough look.

Sooner than I’d wanted, she was calling out my drink order and I had to take a deep breath in before walking over there.

“Thank you!” she said brightly, flashing me a quick glance before turning back to the bar. Sucking in a startled gasp, she looked back up, her eyes wide, mouth slightly open. “Gage,” she whispered softly.

“Hey, darlin’.”

Her cheeks went red as she continued to stare at me.

“Are you off soon?”

She glanced down to the inside of her wrist. I smiled at her too-large watch that always slid over. “Um . . . te-ten minutes.”

My eyes went wide as I got a good look at her forearm. I had no doubt what that was. She had a tattoo. A cluster of stars. Ursa Major. I thought back to that night by the creek, we’d been talking about constellations, and she’d pointed it out first, telling me it had always been her favorite one. I remembered adding that to the list of reasons why she was amazing, since that constellation was the reason I’d named my horse Bear. I’d told her as much and she’d given me a soft smile and reached over to brush her hand against my arm. I’d have been damn stupid to think she’d gotten that because of that night, but I wanted to know if she thought about it at all when she looked at her arm.

I looked over to the cups that were lining up next to her and grabbed my drink. “All right.” I wanted to tell her I’d wait for her, but I didn’t know if she’d even want to talk to me. She’d broken my heart, but I’d been coldhearted and a straight coward when it came to her. So I just turned around and went to sit at one of the big chairs in the corner.

C
ASSIDY

OH MY GOD, he’s here. Gage is here.
My heart stopped when I looked up and saw those bright green eyes staring down at me. Dear Lord, he was so handsome. My dreams over the last three months hadn’t done him justice at all. I tried to go back to work, but I was so flustered, I could barely concentrate on the drinks I was making.

Why is he here? And is he waiting for me, or is he meeting someone here? He wouldn’t have asked if I was off soon if he wasn’t waiting, right? Damn it, Cassidy . . . calm down and just breathe.
I put out another two drinks and couldn’t help looking over at him. Like he could sense that I was watching him, he lifted up his head and met my gaze. I couldn’t look away and I wished desperately that he would for the both of us. God, it didn’t help that he was wearing my favorite shirt of his; it was an old Ramones shirt, and the color green was almost the exact same color as his eyes. I needed him to stop looking at me; I could get lost in those eyes on any given day, even from across a coffee shop.

I was finally able to tear my eyes away when Stacey, one of my coworkers, asked about a few drinks she was waiting on in the drive-thru. Why did he have to come to this Starbucks? There were tons in the area, and dozens of other coffee shops. I didn’t know where he’d moved to, but this couldn’t have been the only one close to him, and even if it was, you only had to drive an extra five or so minutes before finding another. I needed these ten minutes to go by faster; I felt like I was going to break down right there in front of everyone. In the last six weeks since Ty and I had gotten together, I’d slowly been able to start having a normal life. It wasn’t overnight by any means—I still ached for Gage, still dreamed of him on a nightly basis—but I was finally laughing again. And now here he was. Bringing back every good and bad memory of him. I didn’t want to still be in love with Gage, and his being there wasn’t going to help a thing.

For the rest of my shift, I kept my eyes on my drinks only; I knew it was rude to the customers who came up to the bar, but if I looked at them, I would look at Gage. And I just couldn’t handle that right now.

“Cassidy.” Stacey grabbed my arm and I jumped.

“Huh?”

“You’re off, clock out and go home . . . are you okay?”

I took a shaky breath in and mashed my lips in a tight line as I barely shook my head.

“Come on.” Her hand, which was still on my arm, led me to the front to clock out, then dragged me to the back. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s here!” I blurted, and tried to calm my shaking.

“Who is?” Stacey looked up to the monitor showing the store’s cameras.

“Gage . . . Gage is here. Oh my God, why is he doing this? He doesn’t want me! He never did, and he left without so much as a good-bye.”

Her eyes went wide. “Oh shit. Tyler’s cousin?”

I nodded and took off my green apron. “I think he’s waiting for me, should I talk to him?”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know. I do, but I don’t know if I can.”

“Cassidy,” she said with a sigh, “just because you’re with Tyler now doesn’t mean he can control who you talk to.”

“No, no. It’s not that. It’s just—I still love him, Stace. I don’t want to, but I do. I thought I was getting better, but when he showed up just now, I don’t know.”

She gave me a quick hug. “It’s up to you. Before you go back out there, just think about whether you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him.”

I nodded and waited five more minutes, deciding that if he was still out there and alone when I walked out, then I would go up and talk to him. With one last deep breath, I walked out from the back and around the corner. He was in the same spot, head down and spinning his most likely empty cup around in his hands. Like earlier, he stopped abruptly and his head slowly came up. He looked at me, then to the door that I was next to, and started to stand up, his eyes pleading. When I began walking toward him, he sat back down and seemed to clear his throat a few times. I sat in the chair next to him and pulled my legs up underneath me, so I wouldn’t continue to bounce them up and down nervously.

“How are you?” He finally broke the silence after a few minutes.

“I’m fine.” I hated that my voice sounded so small. “You?”

“I’m all right. You, uh—you look really good, Cassidy.”

Please don’t tell me that. I need to get over you, I need you to be mean again or just go back to avoiding me.
“You left.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I needed to.”

I nodded. “Look, I understand you were mad for whatever reason, but you didn’t even say bye. You were just gone, Gage. Was it that bad having to live with a girl, or was it just me?” I shook my head and grumbled to myself, “Of course it was just me.”

“I should have said good-bye, I should have told you I was leaving. I just, I didn’t know how.”

“Why are you here, Gage?”

Pain flashed through his green eyes and his brow furrowed. “Um. I, uh—needed to see you. Tyler’s been asking me to come around; I needed to know if that would be a bad idea.”

“You’re grown, you’re free to do whatever you want.”

“If you don’t want me around, Cassidy, that’s all you have to say.”

My eyes narrowed. If I didn’t want him around? He was the one who left me! “I would never get in the way of you and Ty.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Well, I don’t want to answer that.
I looked away and tried to slow my racing heart again. Gage brushed my arm and turned it slightly, running his fingers over my birthday present to myself.

“I like this.”

“Me too.” My voice was shaky and I tried to disguise it with a small laugh. Of course I had gotten it for me, but I’m not going to lie and say that Gage had nothing to do with my decision on that tattoo. I knew he was gone from my life, but even though nothing had ever come of us, he would always be the man I was in love with. I was sure of it. Over the almost year that we lived together, we’d found plenty of things that we had in common, but looking at the stars that night, followed by those amazing kisses and falling asleep in his arms . . . That constellation was by far my favorite thing we shared. “And yes, I want you around. It’s been . . . different without you there.”
Miserable. It’s been absolutely miserable.

He nodded and continued lightly running his thumb over the stars. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday, and I’m sorry I up and left. I’ve missed you so much, Cassidy.”

A strangled sigh escaped my throat and I had to look away again to compose myself. “Why did you leave?”

“You know why. I couldn’t stay there with y’all anymore.”

Right, because I was getting in the way of his relationships. “You couldn’t stay with us? Or just me?”

His jaw tightened and he leaned away.

“It’s fine. I don’t need you to answer that.”

“Cass—”

“No, really, Gage, don’t.” I stood up and walked toward the doors. When I was outside he caught up with me; putting a hand on my shoulder, he turned me around and I stumbled back when I saw how close he was.

“I don’t want to keep staying away from you; you have no idea how much you mean to me.”

Why is he doing this? Why is he always playing with my heart?
I wanted to scream at him for leaving me, for making me fall in love with him, for continuing to keep me wanting him like he was right now. But then I figured that was probably what he wanted. He probably loved having girls basically fall over themselves for him.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “Can we at least be friends again? I miss talking to you, I miss driving you to work in the morning, I miss our morning hugs . . . I just miss you.”

I tried not to get lost in his scent, or how I finally felt like I was where I belonged for the first time in three months. I didn’t know if I could just be friends with Gage, but anything would be better than the hell that I’d been through without him. I pulled back slightly, and he wrapped a big hand around my neck, reminding me of all those times I’d thought he’d been about to kiss me. “I miss you too, Gage. So much. I would love it if you came around. Do you, uh, is there anyone who cooks for you?”

“No, it’s just me there.” He paused for a minute. “I’m not seeing anyone if that’s what you’re asking.”

Of course that’s what I’m asking!
“I wasn’t, but I know how bad you are at cooking. I’m surprised you’ve managed to last this long.” I tried to laugh, but it sounded wrong. “I’ll make dinner for you every night, if you’ll be there. I know Tyler really misses having you live with us; I think he’d like it if you were there.”