Authors: Molly McAdams
“Can we talk about something else? I’m still freaking out and they’re not even near us.”
He stiffened.
“Gage?”
“So how’s work going?”
“Gage!”
Tilting my head back so he could look in my eyes, he spoke softly and watched closely for my reaction. “My shotgun is in the backseat.”
My breath caught. How many times had I been in his truck, and I’d never noticed this? “Nope.” I shook my head and forced myself to relax into him. “No, I’m pretty sure that’s incorrect. There isn’t a shotgun in your truck.”
He laughed. “Yes, ma’am. Whatever you say.”
“So work is going great.”
He laughed even louder. “I’m glad. Though now we have so much coffee in the apartment, I don’t think we’ll ever go through it all.”
“Probably not. I’ll send some with you to the ranch.”
“They’d like that.” He was quiet for a moment. “They’d like you too. I hope you come with me sometime.”
“I will,” I promised.
We slid down so we were now lying in the truck, looking up at the stars. He kept an arm around me, and I stayed curled into his side, my head resting on his shoulder. Our morning hugs were the most we ever touched now, so I closed my eyes and enjoyed every bit of this, knowing it wouldn’t last forever. I listened to his heartbeat, breathed in his clean, masculine scent, and memorized the way my body felt pressed up against his. His heartbeat picked up when I lightly ran my fingers across his chest and I smiled to myself.
His chest rumbled as he said, “What do you want to do for the rest of your life, Cassidy?”
Stay here with you.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I know you don’t want to go to school. Just wondered what you wanted to do. If you had a certain career in mind.” Gage’s deep voice got even huskier as he continued. “If you actually wanted to do something with your photography, or get married and have kids, if there’s somewhere you want to move to . . .” He trailed off.
No kids. I refuse to have children.
“I don’t really know. I’ve never thought about it.”
“Seriously? You’ve never thought about your future and where you’d like to be? What you’d like to be?”
“Not once.” The most I’d ever thought about the future was in terms of weeks.
“I thought girls start planning their weddings when they’re little, and have crazy dreams like being an actress or a singer.”
I shrugged. When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a princess. But my dad treated me like one, so I’d already thought I was one. The day he died, all dreams of the future stopped, and I hadn’t had one since. “What about you?”
“I want to finish college and move back to the ranch so I can take over it for my dad. Other than a family, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“That sounds perfect for you.” I was already jealous of his future wife.
“You’ve really never thought about it? Never aspired to be a doctor, or a scientist, or a coffee shop girl?”
I laughed and rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see. “Nope.”
“Everyone thinks about their future, but if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, I get it,” he joked, and squeezed me tighter. When I didn’t say anything for a few minutes, he whispered, “Are you with me, or did you fall asleep?”
“Gage, can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?” I asked softly.
“Of course you can.”
“I wasn’t lying to you, I really haven’t ever thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I, uh . . .” Clearing my throat, I tried again. “I never thought I’d live long enough to be able to move out of that house, so it seemed pointless to think about the future.”
“Cass,” he breathed, “I’m so—”
“No, I didn’t tell you that so you’d feel sorry for me. I just didn’t want you to think I was keeping something from you. I want you to know who I really am, Gage.”
He didn’t talk for a moment. “Thank you for trusting me with that.” He rolled me onto my back, his left arm still under me, and propped himself on his elbow. Brushing back loose strands of hair, he ran his fingers down my jaw; my eyes shut and I tilted my head back when he continued the line down my neck. “You’re away from them; you’ll never have to see them again. You have your whole life ahead of you, darlin’.” His voice dropped another octave and my eyes shot back open when I felt his breath on my lips. “It’s okay to dream about the future.”
My heart started racing as he slowly lowered his body to mine. Heat zinged through my entire body when his chest pressed against me, his lips still hovering less than an inch from my own. Our eyes searched each other, and his green eyes darkened as he leaned in closer to brush his lips across my forehead and both cheeks. Pulling back slightly, he waited, giving me the opportunity to stop him. I ran a hand through his messy black hair and curled it around the back of his neck, giving the slightest pressure so he’d know I wanted this too. A soft smile broke across his face and he leaned toward me again. Just before his lips could meet mine, my cell phone blared Tyler’s ringtone.
We both started and stared at each other for a long moment before I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone. “Hey, Tyler.”
“Hey! God, I can’t wait to see you, you won’t believe what a shitty day it’s been. I’m about to leave but I’m starving. Do you want me to pick up some food?”
Gage was still hovering less than an inch above my face, his eyes locked on mine.
“Uh, no. We already ate. We went for a drive though, so you might make it home before we do.”
“Oh. Yeah, okay.”
I sighed and shut my eyes. I hated not being there for Tyler, even if it was just when he got home from a long day at school. He’d been there for me almost every night for eleven years; I owed it to him to be waiting for him when he got back. “We’re on our way, promise. See you soon.”
“All right, love you, Cassi.”
“Love you too, Ty.”
Gage was off me and out of the bed of the truck before I could even end the call. I knew I’d ruined the moment the second I’d grabbed for the phone, but there was no way I could ignore a call from Ty. Surely he knew that.
“We better get going.” He acted like nothing had just happened. “It’s already really late, and you have to work in the morning.”
I wanted to groan into my hands. I couldn’t believe I’d just stopped that kiss from happening. And there was no way I could salvage the situation now. Gage didn’t say anything the entire way back; his right hand was on the steering wheel, making his body lean away from me. I knew this was my fault, so I stayed pressed against the passenger-side door and didn’t push him to talk to me either. Tyler tried to take me into the bedroom as soon as we got home, but Gage stopped us.
“Tyler, can I talk to you for a minute first?”
“Sure, man.” He hugged me quickly and told me he’d meet me in our room after.
I waited anxiously on the edge of the bed for when he’d come back, my knees bouncing up and down. Thankfully he wasn’t in there long and not five minutes later he was walking into our room, shutting and locking the door behind him.
“Cassi, you need to leave Gage alone for a while.”
I froze. “What? Why?”
He looked at the door, then back to me, speaking softly. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two tonight. But he’s pissed, said you needed to understand that you’re like a sister to him and nothing more.”
I let my face fall into my expressionless mask, but inside I felt like I’d been punched and was trying to catch my breath. I didn’t understand—Gage had been about to kiss me.
He’d
been the one pressing his body to mine, brushing featherlight kisses on my face. Why would he do that if he didn’t actually like me? My stomach churned at the thought of him seeing me as his sister. But this was probably for the best. I had been getting in too deep with him, and I needed to guard myself. My father and Tyler—the only men I would ever need in my life. I didn’t have room in my eternally shattered heart for anyone else . . . including Gage Carson. My chest tightened and I had to blink my eyes rapidly as that lie almost forced me to tears again. When I had a handle on my emotions, I looked up at Ty and gave him a weak smile.
“I understand.” I stood up and went to the bathroom to quickly get ready for bed before slipping under the covers with Tyler. He curled his body around mine and I was once again so thankful for him. My rock. He always made everything better by holding me, even heartache.
T
HE NEXT MORNING
I got dressed for my opening shift and headed out to the kitchen. Ty was letting me borrow his Jeep today, so I wouldn’t have to further impose on Gage. Apparently he’d also been complaining about having to “be my chauffeur.” It’s not like I asked him to drive me, he just never gave me a choice. I rounded the corner and smacked right into his brick wall of a chest.
Gage laughed softly and wrapped his arms around me. “Morning, darlin’.”
Placing both hands on his chest, I pushed him off me and stepped around him to grab a granola bar. I knew I was being rude, but I’d spent the majority of the night trying not to cry at the thought of the man I loved seeing me as his sister, so I was extremely grouchy this morning. Walking back around him, I continued for the front door and didn’t stop ’til he caught my arm and turned me back to him.
His eyebrows were scrunched together in confusion. “Are you gonna at least wait for me to get my keys?”
“I’m driving myself.” I dangled Tyler’s keys between us. “Have a good day.”
“Wait, Cassidy, wh—”
“What, Gage?” I hissed. “What do you want?”
He dropped my arm and took a step back. “I th—talked to Tyler last night, I thought you’d be . . .” He trailed off as my eyes narrowed at him.
“You thought what, Gage? Thought I’d be happy? Or I’d be okay with that?” I laughed humorlessly and took a few more steps toward the cars before turning back to him. “Do you have any idea how frustrating you are?”
“Cass.” He took a few tentative steps toward me, reaching his hand to me.
“Don’t! Don’t touch me. I’m sure in a few weeks, I’ll look back and realize how stupid I’m being right now. And maybe by then I’ll be okay with what you want, but right now I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want you to touch me, and I don’t want to see you.” Hell, I already knew that I was overreacting. But I could have sworn he felt something for me too, something more than a sibling bond. And he’d let me believe that, he’d even encouraged it, just to have Tyler tell me to back off. No freaking wonder Brynn had thought they were a couple. He probably went around doing these kinds of things to every girl.
His green eyes hardened and he looked crushed. Though that threw me off balance for a moment, I didn’t have time to care about how he felt right now. He was the one playing with my emotions. He was the one breaking
my
heart.
G
AGE
A
FTER
C
ASSIDY DROVE
away, I forced myself to breathe and go back into the apartment. I felt like she’d just ripped my heart out. This girl I’d fallen in love with the moment I saw her, this girl I would do anything for . . . didn’t want me.
“Hey, you okay, Gage?” Tyler asked from the kitchen table.
I sat down numbly, just staring at the table.
“Oh—I guess it didn’t go well this morning?”
When Cassidy and I had gotten home last night, I’d pulled Tyler into my room so I could tell him exactly what I felt for her. He’d told me that no matter how much he loved her, he knew how we both felt for each other and wouldn’t stand in our way anymore. I’d been blown away and could barely wait to see her this morning. I was going to finish what I’d started so many times, including last night. I was going to pull her body to mine and kiss her ’til she couldn’t stay standing anymore. Even sleeping had been difficult; I was too distracted thinking about where this could take Cassidy and me.
“She was pissed. Like beyond pissed. Told me she didn’t even want to see me. I don’t understand. After last night, I thought—well . . . it doesn’t matter what I thought.”
Tyler rinsed his mug out and clapped me on the back as he walked toward his room. “That’s a bummer, man, I really thought she liked you too.”
G
AGE
I
WAS MISERABLE.
It had been eight months since Cassidy had crushed my heart that morning before she went to work. Eight months of trying to ignore the pull I still felt, now more than ever. Eight months of being her friend and nothing more. The first six months of which I had to watch her run to Tyler every damn time something happened. Now for the last two months I’d barely had what you could even consider a conversation with her. Two months of no morning hugs and conversations, and one month until I moved back in with the happy couple.
It was the end of July and I’d moved back to the ranch like I do every summer. It had killed me to know I was going to be without Cassidy for three months, but not as bad as watching her go into his bed every night, and watching her walk out of their room every morning in his shirt. After that morning, it had taken almost a week for us to even say hello to each other. Apparently my wanting to be with her was so awful she couldn’t stand to look at me that entire time too. Tyler was kind enough to wait two weeks before talking about their relationship again. Asshole. I loved the guy, I’d do anything for him, but I knew he didn’t feel for her what I did. And if she would have chosen to be with me, I wouldn’t have rubbed it in his face every chance I got. Loving him like a brother and hating him for being with the girl who held my heart was a hell of an emotional trip.
“Are you hearing a damn word I’m saying, son?”
I stopped fixing the post and looked up at my dad. “Sorry—no, can you repeat that?”
He sighed heavily. “Take a break, Gage. Let’s talk.”
Dropping the post and tools, I followed him over to a tree and leaned up against the base.
“Your mother and I are worried about you.”
I looked at him, confused, but kept my mouth shut. You didn’t interrupt my parents.
“Over the winter break, we just figured you were sick or something, but these last two months have been beyond ridiculous. You don’t talk to us, you don’t talk to your sisters, you look like a damn zombie. All you do is work, eat, and sleep. Are you on drugs?”
“What?! Dad, are you being serious right now?”
“Well shit, Gage, what are we supposed to think? This isn’t who you are at all. If you aren’t on drugs, then tell me what’s goin’ on. That, or leave. You’re being completely disrespectful to your family; this isn’t how we raised you.”
I sank down to the ground and let my head fall into my hands. “Sorry. Honestly, I thought I was hiding this a lot better. Guess I was wrong.”
“Hiding what?”
“Dad?” I took a deep breath in and out. “When you met Mom, did you know right away you were going to marry her?”
That shocked him; he hadn’t been expecting that turn in the conversation. “Does this have to do with your attitude?”
I nodded.
“No, I reckon I didn’t. She was my best friend for a long time. We all viewed her like one of the guys. One night when we were seventeen, there was a dance at the Miller ranch, and I remember seeing her. Like I was actually seeing her for the first time. She’d done her hair and put on some makeup, and was wearing a dress. I didn’t realize it was your mama until I got the nerve to ask her to dance with me. But of course by then all the other guys had noticed her too. You shoulda seen us all fightin’ over her, trying our damnedest to get your grandpa to let us court her.”
I laughed. I could only imagine Dad being all awkward trying to get the courage to go up to Grandpa. That was one terrifying man.
“Took four months for her to finally agree to a date with me. I still didn’t know I was in love with her, not for a few more months after that. I just woke up one day and realized I couldn’t live without her. Gave her a promise ring that night, an engagement ring a year later, and we were married six months after that.” He looked at me for a minute. “I’d ask if you’re in love, Gage, but love makes you alive. You look dead.”
“Yeah, about that.” I huffed and ran a hand through my hair, grabbing a good chunk in my fist. “I was kinda hoping your answer would be different. I know what’s happening between us isn’t normal. Well, not between us, I guess . . . she doesn’t feel the same way for me.”
“Ah. I see. So why don’t you tell me what’s happening for you.”
I looked at my dad for a minute, and I suddenly couldn’t hold it back anymore. I’d told Tyler I loved her, but I hadn’t talked to anyone about the depth of my feelings. “It’s like I’m being pulled to her. Like something in her calls to me. I know that sounds dumb, but that’s the only way to describe it. The first night I met her, I felt her before I even saw her. It’s like I
had
to look up at her, and when I did . . . I swear to God the world stopped moving. When she shook my hand, it felt like—not a spark, but like a jolt of electricity went through me. All I can think about is her, and I could have sworn she felt it too. But when she found out my feelings, she got pissed. Wouldn’t talk to me for a week. I’ve tried, Dad, you have no idea how damn hard I’ve tried to get over her. But I know I’m supposed to be with her, I know I’m going to marry her. I knew it the moment she hopped out of Ty’s Jeep.”
“Ty Bradley? Your cousin Tyler?”
“Yep.”
“So you met her through him?”
I laughed hard. “You could say that.”
“You’re gonna have to help your old man out here, I don’t get what I’m missing. You having problems with him?”
“Do you remember me telling you Ty was bringing his friend Cassi from California to live with us?”
“Yeah . . .” He drew out the word.
“Well Tyler’s
girlfriend,
Cassi, my new roommate, is the same girl who consumes my every thought.”
“Shit.”
“Yep.” I let my head fall back against the tree and rubbed my chest where the ache that never went away intensified from just thinking about her. “God, Dad, am I crazy? This isn’t normal, right? This can’t be healthy. She doesn’t even want me.”
“And you’re sure about that?”
“Yeah. She made herself pretty clear. What makes it harder is that even though she’s his girlfriend, and she doesn’t want me, I can’t stop being near her. I hate just being her friend, but I would rather be her friend than not have her at all. I thought this summer would be good for me, to get her out of my head; instead I just feel like I’m dying the longer I’m away from her.”
Dad was quiet again for a moment. “Well, I haven’t ever experienced this, uh—pull you’re talking about. But I don’t think you’re crazy. The only advice I have for you is don’t give up. If you’re sure you want her, then you gotta fight for her.”
“But she’s with Tyler. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But Ty?”
“That does make your situation a little difficult. Have you talked to Tyler about her?”
“Oh yeah, at first he was pissed that I wouldn’t stop looking at her, then one night he finally said he’d step back and let us be together. That next morning was when she yelled at me, told me she didn’t want to see me. And it’s hard, because even though I’m positive she’s not in love with Tyler, and honestly I don’t think they’re even actually
together,
she can’t leave him. Same way he can’t leave her.”
“I’m just going to assume you’re about to explain that. ’Cause that little statement is confusing as hell.”
“Well, since you’ll probably never meet her, I guess it’s safe to tell you about her childhood. Her dad died when she was real young, on her birthday actually. It really screwed her mom up; she turned into an alcoholic and married some guy. From the day he died, Cassidy had to raise herself; her mom stopped feeding her, washing her clothes, even talking to her. And she was only six. Then after her stepdad moved in, they started beating her. Up until the day Tyler packed her shit up and moved her to Texas.”
“You got some beatings yourself, son.”
“No, Dad, not like getting spanked by Mom when I was little. They didn’t just take off their belts and hit her with that or a wooden spoon when she was in trouble. They could’ve killed her. Tyler told me about some of the times, and I saw pictures from after a few of the tamer times and it’s enough to make you sick. Uncle Jim would have to stitch her up sometimes, others she’d be so messed up she wouldn’t be able to walk. Her bruises when she moved in were like nothing I’ve ever seen. Her entire back and sides were black, blue, green, and yellow. They’re obviously all gone now though, but Ty said she’s really careful about what she wears around people because of the scars she has from some of the bad beatings.”
“How people can do that to their own kid is beyond me. People like that need to be arrested, or shot. I’m sure we can find some ditches.” He smiled under his massive mustache.
“I swear I wanted to drive there and have a conversation with them and my shotgun. It about killed me; she’s the sweetest person you’ve ever met. And she wouldn’t let Tyler turn them in. Her mom’s a heartless bitch, and yet Cassidy still would never do anything against her.”
Dad just shook his head and relaxed against the tree. “Don’t give up on her, Gage. You don’t feel this way for no reason. What do you say we finish this post and call it a day? You need to explain to your mama what’s been going on. She might have better advice than your old man. And you better apologize to her. She’s been making herself sick with worry.”
I nodded. “Sorry for putting y’all through this. I honestly didn’t realize I was letting it show so much.”
“You’re forgiven. Come on, I’m hungry and your mama and sisters are makin’ chili and corn bread.”
I missed Cassidy’s cooking. I missed trying to help her cook, even though I messed everything up more times than not. I missed her laugh and smile, and the way she felt in my arms every morning. I just missed her. God, I felt like such a fuckin’ girl.
We fixed the broken parts of the fence and were on our way back to the house within ten minutes. We rode slowly back, and I told Dad more about Cassidy and our lives together with Tyler. Not even halfway back to the house, my sister Amanda texted me to say Ty, his parents, and a girl were at the main house and for us to come back. I didn’t need to ask who the girl was; there wasn’t anyone else they’d bring.
“Gage, what’s wrong?”
I realized I’d stopped my horse Bear and was just staring in the direction of the house. Looking up at him, I could only say one word. “Cassidy.” If Bear sprinted, we’d be back in about fifteen minutes, and even that seemed too long. “
Hya!
”
“Gage!”
I couldn’t look back at my dad. I heard his horse in a dead sprint behind us, and I knew he’d be pissed at me for taking off like that, but she was here. When we reached the house, I saw Tyler’s Jeep out front and stood there for almost an entire minute trying to decide between taking care of Bear and going to her.
“She’ll still be in there in five minutes. After what you just put Bear through, you may want to attend to him first.”
I grunted in acknowledgment and jumped off my horse to walk him toward the stables. After he had everything off him, we sprayed him and my dad’s horse down with a hose and let them out into the field. Dad put his hand on my shoulder to stop me, and I tried not to let him see how frustrated I was that he was continuing to keep me from Cassidy.
“Now, I have no doubt there’s a reason she was put in your life, and I know I told you to fight for her. But fight smart, son. Tyler’s like a brother to you; you don’t want to ruin that because of her. And another thing: you running in there lookin’ like you do will probably scare her shitless.”
I looked down at my shirt. I’d been sweating all day from work and I’d thrown my shirt back on right before we started back here, but it wasn’t like I was covered in bits of cow pies.
“I wasn’t exaggerating when I said you looked like a zombie, Gage. With how dead you look, you may want to go easy on seeing her again. Take a deep breath, and walk in like a normal human being.”
That was damn hard. My hands were balled into fists so I wouldn’t reach out for her, and I couldn’t even see her yet. I opened the door and walked through the living room, toward the voices in the kitchen. Cassidy laughed and it speared me to the floor. I took what felt like my first breath in two months and actually smiled. I glanced over at Dad and he patted my shoulder.
“Well, let’s go meet my future daughter-in-law.”
I punched his arm and took the last few steps before rounding the corner into the kitchen. And there she was. As perfect and beautiful as ever. “Cassidy,” I breathed.
She launched herself at me and wrapped her arms around my neck, whispering into my ear. “I missed you so much, Gage.”
“I missed you too, darlin’.” God, she had no idea how much I’d missed her. I held her tight and memorized the feel of her. Trying not to be obvious, I breathed her in and relaxed even more. She was here. Really here. Squeezing her tighter, I was glad to feel even less of her ribs and shoulder blades. She’d been slowly putting on some more weight, and while she had at least another ten pounds to go, she was looking healthier and more beautiful all the time.
Tyler cleared his throat, and I reluctantly let her go. I tried not to let it show how much it hurt when she went right back to his side. Aunt Stephanie and Uncle Jim stepped up to give me hugs, and I caught Mom looking at me with wide, curious eyes. I cast a glance at Dad and saw him giving the same look at Cassidy. I knew exactly what he was thinking, because it was the same as me. How does she act like that toward me and not feel a damn thing for me?
“Gage?”
“Yeah, Mama?” I still couldn’t take my eyes off Cassidy.
“Why don’t you go get cleaned up, you’ve been working all day.”
“All right.”
After a minute of me not moving, she spoke up again. “That was code for ‘you smell and look all kinds of tore up,’ son. Go take a shower.”
Not that I take long showers anyway, but I don’t think I’ve ever taken a faster shower than I did just then. I wanted to get back to Cassidy, had to get back to her. I was stupid for thinking I could ever get over her; if anything, this time apart had shown me how impossible that would be. I ran into the bedroom and skidded to a stop, clutching the towel around my hips.