Authors: Molly McAdams
His smile was wide and absolutely breathtaking; those dimples that I knew would get the best of me someday were all I could currently look at. “God, I can’t believe we’re gonna have a baby,” he breathed, and leaned back. “And I can’t believe you told Jake of all people.”
I burst out laughing and buried my head into his neck. “He’s the only one who knows and he was sworn to secrecy. I knew it would hurt you if I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy when I told you, and I had a feeling it was going to take a few days or so for me to get there. I sat there thinking of how I wanted to tell you, and I figured I couldn’t just randomly blurt it out after knowing for some time, so I thought of the jersey.”
“It was a good idea, darlin’, I like it. And it’ll be fun with the family too.”
“Do you think they’ll be happy?” I asked, a little anxious. If I thought we were too young, I could only imagine what John and Tessa would think. It would be the same as if Amanda was pregnant.
“Oh hell yeah. Cass, they don’t say much around you because they know how you are about having kids, but when you’re not around, dear Lord, it’s all they ever talk about. Even little Emily wants to know when you’re going to have a baby so she can have someone to play with.”
“Oh, I didn’t know they were trying not to talk about it in front of me. Now I feel bad.”
Gage leaned away, placed two fingers under my chin, and lifted my head up. “Don’t. I didn’t say that so you would feel bad. They just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, sweetheart. But I promise they’ll be excited, especially when they see how happy you are.” He kissed my lips softly and without moving away asked, “When are you due?”
“July eleventh; I’m seven weeks today.”
He repeated the date and smiled. “Holy shit. We’re having a baby in July. This is unreal.”
“I know, we have the first ultrasound a week from today.” Just then my alarm went off and Gage reached over to my phone to shut it off.
“What’s that for?”
“Gotta go help your mom cook.”
Gage rolled us over so my back was to the bed and he was hovering over me; he planted a knee between my legs and I willingly opened them again. “She can wait.”
W
E PULLED UP
to the main house and I finished putting my hair in a high, messy bun, Gage’s request so nothing would cover the name on the jersey. I looked at all the cars and the butterflies in my stomach tripled; Amanda had been home for two days, but Ty’s Jeep and Jesse’s Camaro were there as well.
Gage stopped me before we hit the door and kissed me thoroughly. “I love you, Cassidy.”
Forcing my hands to unclench from his burnt-orange shirt, I sighed and whispered my love back to him.
As soon as we were in the house, I was pulled into a massive bear hug from Tyler and I thought Gage would have a stroke. I wanted to tell him I was only seven weeks, he wasn’t going to hurt anything, but that would ruin our plan to wait for someone to notice the name on the jersey, so I kept my mouth shut. Jesse and Isabella hugged us, and I cringed when I noticed how much thinner Isabella was, but she looked happier than ever.
“Oh, nuh-uh! Get out!” Amanda demanded, and I looked at her with wide eyes. “Both of you, and, Ty, you can go with them! No burnt orange allowed in this house.”
I laughed and looked up at Tessa’s back. “But your mom is wearing a Longhorns jersey.”
I’d thought Gage was joking when he said everyone in the family wore jerseys or college shirts during Thanksgiving, but he wasn’t. The only people in the entire house not wearing maroon or burnt orange were Emily, Isabella, and Jesse. Amanda and Nikki were wearing maroon “Twelfth Man” shirts; John was wearing a “Saw ’Em Off” gray-and-maroon shirt; Tyler was wearing a burnt-orange-and-white “Hook ’Em” shirt, same as Gage’s; and Tessa was wearing a Longhorns jersey.
Texans . . . they’re their own kind of people.
“Now, now, I’m showin’ my love for my divided house,” Tessa said, and turned around to show the front was an A & M jersey.
My jaw dropped and I pointed. “Not fair! Why is it okay for her to sew two jerseys together, two
rival
jerseys, might I add, but it’s not okay for me to wear Lakers and Spurs jerseys at the same time?”
Gage was the only one who understood what I was talking about, so he just laughed and kissed the top of my head. “Darlin’, that’s ’cause you were trying to bring Texas and California together. Doesn’t work that way.”
Tessa looked pointedly at the two of us and smirked. “I’d say it does.”
Gage winked and kissed me again quickly as I started walking into the kitchen, and he went over to sit with his dad, Ty, and Isabella.
It took much longer than I thought it would, but an hour later Nikki finally said, “Mama, did you let Cassidy borrow your jersey or something?”
My smile grew and my hands stilled momentarily, then I made quick work of washing and drying them as Tessa responded distractedly from the other side of the counter. “No, baby, why?”
“ ’Cause hers says ‘Mama Carson.’ ”
“No, I—” Tessa cut herself off and I heard Amanda’s gasp from right behind me, followed quickly by Tessa’s. I could hear Tyler and Jesse start razzing Gage, and I turned to face the family with the world’s biggest smile.
Tessa and Amanda both had wide eyes, hands over their mouths, and were frozen; Nikki looked like she’d just gotten it; and Emily was sitting on the counter just looking at everyone. Before I could say anything, Gage stumbled into the kitchen with Jesse and Tyler clapping him on the back and still razzing him, and John was walking Isabella in. Gage walked right up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, letting his hands rest on my stomach.
Tessa’s eyes followed his hands and tears sprang from her eyes as she let out an excited cry, but she clamped her mouth shut. “I’m not going to assume, I’m not going to assume,” she whispered, and leaned into John, who was now at her side with his arm around her shoulder.
“I really hope you’re ready to be a grandma,” I said through my smile.
The same cry came from her and she left John to pull Gage and me into a big hug. When she let us go she cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead, before moving to do the same to Gage, and I was pulled into another hug from Amanda.
We went through another round of hugs from everyone, and at the end of the line was Ty. He pulled me into his arms and didn’t let go for a long moment. He knew what this meant for me, and as Tyler always had, he knew how to respond to the situation. I was thrilled, and he could see that in my smile and laughs as I told everyone the due date and how far along I was. But he knew deep down what this meant for me and that he needed to be my rock. I wrapped my arms tighter around his waist and face-planted into his chest when the tears started falling down my cheeks. This had nothing to do with Gage’s not being able to understand what I needed, because he did; it just had everything to do with why I’d asked Tyler to walk me down the aisle and give me away. He was the closest thing to
my
family I would ever have.
Still holding me tightly, he whispered close to my ear, “You’re going to be an amazing mom, Cassidy. I’m so happy for you, sweetheart.”
I nodded against his chest and brought one of my hands back to my face to wipe my tears, then down to find and link my fingers with Gage’s.
G
AGE
I
STRETCHED MY
body out along Cassidy’s and kissed her lips softly. “Wake up, darlin’.” Her being tired had nothing to do with the massive lunch all the girls had made; her eyelids had already started shutting before we’d even sat down to eat. So I’d brought her up to my old room as soon as we were done eating, since Mama refused to let us help clean up, and Cassidy had fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
She groaned and automatically rolled into me; one hand went to my stomach and her head found its way to that perfect spot in between my neck and shoulder.
Kissing her cheek, I brushed my lips across her jaw and repeated in her ear, “Time to wake up, darlin’.”
Her eyes popped open and that slow smile she only ever showed me crossed her face. “What time is it?”
“The game is starting in about thirty minutes. Everyone’s grabbing leftovers and pie for dinner.”
“Dinner?” She asked warily, “How long was my nap?”
“You call that a nap?” I teased. “Cass, you slept for over five hours. I tried to wake you up earlier after I woke up from my
nap,
but you were out. So I went back home, grabbed Sky and the pies you made, and I’ve been hanging with Ty since.”
“Five? Holy crap!”
“Yeah.” I laughed and let my hands trail over her neck, reveling in the deep breaths I was able to take now that I could feel her heartbeat under my fingers. “You feelin’ all right?”
“I feel fine. I’ve been sleeping a lot the last couple weeks, I guess from being pregnant, but five hours. Talk about food coma.” She pushed on Sky until she jumped off the bed, then scrambled off as well.
I followed her out, grabbed three beers, and headed back to the kitchen table, where Jesse and Tyler were, and handed them each one. Amanda sat in Jesse’s lap, and I tried not to let that bother me, but c’mon, she was my sister, there was no way in hell that wasn’t going to bother me. So I made sure my eyes never left Cassidy while she grabbed a plate of food and sliced up two of the pies—not like that was hard. She was so damn beautiful, and watching her had been all I was able to do for a year and a half, so it had become one of my favorite things to do. Especially when she was in the kitchen; she moved around the kitchen like it was a part of her, and she always had some song going on in her head, and every now and then she’d start dancing to it. I loved those times, because when she’d notice me watching her, the blush I loved so much would creep over her face and she’d shoot me one of those blinding smiles. And now? I don’t know how I hadn’t noticed something was going on this last week and a half; Cass had a new smile I’d never seen before, like she had a secret, and it hadn’t once left her face today. I only wished I’d been paying enough attention to notice it before, but I had to admit, I did like the jersey idea.
Just as I looked down at her new jersey, her body started moving to whatever song was in her head and I had to hold back a laugh. God, my wife was cute. Tyler stood up and walked into the kitchen and over to Cassidy; when he reached her, he leaned his hip against the counter and draped an arm over her shoulder. He said something too low for me to hear and she looked up at him to respond. She set down the plate of food, her body automatically sagged against him, and he curled his arm tighter around her. Tyler continued to whisper to her, and I waited for it, the jealousy, but it never came. I hadn’t felt it since Tyler came back from their trip to California in May.
I’d seen Cassidy and Tyler when they were friends, and then I’d seen them together. By the time Cassidy and I were together, she and Tyler were only ever near each other in hostile environments, so when Tyler was finally done trying to keep us apart, I’d stopped worrying so much. When I saw them together for the first time after she got back from California, I wondered how it’d taken me that long to see exactly
how
Cass responded to him. Like right now, with her leaning into him and his arms around her, sure, they were close, but there was nothing intimate about the way they were holding each other. Ty was her best friend, nothing more.
She laughed about something and turned her head so she and Tyler were both now looking at me. I raised an eyebrow but didn’t move; I knew Ty wanted his time with her. Her hand dropped to her flat stomach; she smiled my smile and mouthed
I love you
. My chest warmed and I again thanked God for giving me her, and now our baby.
Four years later
G
AGE
I
WALKED IN
and my heart skipped two beats before kicking into overdrive, as was my normal routine when I was looking at my wife. Six and a half years since I watched her climb out of Ty’s Jeep, and she still took my breath away. But right now? Damn . . . Cassidy pregnant had to be my favorite thing. Ever. She had less than a month to go until our third was due, and we were finally gonna have a girl. After our first son, Asher, was born, Cassidy hadn’t wanted to wait too long and we’d had our second son, Jax, named after Cassidy’s dad, Jackson, eighteen months later. Her pregnancy with Jax had been a rocky one, and the delivery was even worse; after both she and Jax made it out fine the doctor delivered the news that Cassidy wouldn’t have any more kids. It’d been a hard blow for both of us, but with having a toddler and a newborn, we didn’t have time to think about it too often. Then by some miracle, this past May we’d found out she was expecting again, and I prayed day and night we’d have a girl. I loved my boys more than anything, but I wanted another girl to spoil besides my wife. So the day we found out we were indeed having a girl, I’d gone and called Mama, told her to take Cassidy out and buy anything pink she could find.
We’d already added another hall and two rooms to the house when we found out she was pregnant with Jax; this way when the boys were a little older they could have their own rooms, and there was no question my little girl was having her own room. Princesses, ponies . . . shit, I didn’t care. As long as she was happy, she could have her room however she wanted. And now we’d still have a guest room for when Tyler and his wife stayed with us.
He’d stayed with us a lot during the winter and summer breaks while still going to UT, but once he graduated, he moved back to California and met someone almost immediately. She was nice, and more important, Cassidy absolutely adored her. They came to stay with us twice a year for a week or so, and although it was already crazy in our house, we loved it. Right now, Aunt Steph and Uncle Jim were in the main house with the family, and Tyler was wrestling on the ground with Asher and Jax while Cass spoke animatedly with Aria, Tyler’s wife. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I almost laughed out loud remembering the first time Aria and Cassidy had met. Cassidy was big pregnant with Jax, and like she and Tyler always did, they fell into each other’s arms and caught up since it’d been a couple months since they’d seen each other. All the blood had drained from Aria’s face when she saw them together like that, and she had turned seriously confused when Cassidy shrieked and pulled her into a huge hug. I’d made it a point to have a long talk with Aria soon after that, and though she said she understood, we all saw it still took a couple more days of seeing them together before it finally clicked. At least it’d only taken her days, rather than my two years.
Glancing over at the clock on the oven, I scratched Sky behind her ears and straightened to go take a shower before the rest of our friends got there.
Ethan and Adam had been having trouble finding jobs after graduation, and after Dana and Adam found out they would be expecting too just a month after Asher was due, Cassidy had had the idea of offering jobs to Adam and Ethan. Both had accepted right away; Dana and Adam had married and moved closer to the ranch within a month of our offering the job, with Ethan right behind them. Jackie stayed with her family for all of two months before she realized three and a half hours was still too far from Ethan and then she had moved out here too. Ethan and Adam ended up being better than some of our other hired ranch hands, and Dad and I had both been glad for the change with them here. We’d been able to let go three of the slacking hands and hire on only Ethan and Adam. Saved us money, saved us a hell of a headache, and I got to work with my friends.
Dana and Adam ended up having twins and decided to stop there, saying two of the same age was more than enough, and Jackie and Ethan had just found out they were expecting number two about a month or so ago. Cassidy loved having the girls closer to her, and more often than not, all the girls and kids were at our place at the end of the workday.
Our business had more than tripled in the last few years and I’d been able to buy Dad out two weeks before we found out Cass was pregnant with baby number three. He and Mama were happy to be retired. Well, as retired as you can be living on a ranch. He still wakes up at dawn with me to feed everyone, but as for the rest of it, he leaves it up to me.
Basically, life was good. I’d never been happier.
“Hey, everyone,” I called as I reached the living room.
“Dad!”
“Daddy!”
Asher and Jax slammed into my legs and latched on as I kept walking into the room. Tyler was too worn out to get up, so I just slapped his hand as I walked by, kissed Aria on the cheek, then bent to kiss Cassidy long and slow.
Her cheeks were red by the time I pulled back. “Hey, baby,” she said softly, and her whiskey eyes went to mine as my fingertips went to her throat.
Four years later, and I still needed this. And not once in the four years had she ever said a word, but now I knew for sure she knew what I was doing. Asher had always been healthy; even when he was an infant he never really got sick and I could count on one hand how many colds he’d had. I could look at Asher and know without a doubt that my oldest son was fine, but Jax was different.
The doctor had to tell us throughout Cassidy’s entire pregnancy that we had to be prepared to lose the baby because of what was happening, and then with the delivery—God, that delivery almost stopped my heart for good.
Almost as soon as he’d been delivered, the nurses announced Jax’s time of death while the doctor and two other nurses tried to make sure Cassidy pulled through the delivery alive. She’d fainted when something had ruptured and she was losing too much blood way too fast. Those moments had been a hundred times worse than the night she’d been stung. Then all at once, Cassidy’s eyes shot wide open and she gasped loudly, and Jax started screaming from the table where they’d originally been trying to get him to breathe. The room froze for a whole second before everyone flew into action. Both of them ended up being just fine and were released from the hospital and in our home three days later.
Just a few months ago, I snuck out of bed and went into the boys’ room to let my fingertips lightly brush Jax’s throat, then his wrists, as I did every night. Satisfied that my youngest son was fine, I turned to go back to bed, only this time Cassidy was standing in the doorway, with my soft smile on her lips. She nodded and reached for my hand, put it to her throat, and just watched me as I took a deep breath in, then kissed me, and we went back to bed. I thought I was crazy for still needing to feel their heartbeats, but thankfully she accepted it.
“Gonna hop in the shower before everyone gets here. Do you need help?”
“Nope, go clean up. I missed you today.”
I smiled down at her and kissed her softly. “Missed you too, darlin’.”
When I got out of the shower, she was sitting on the bed with a large smile on her face. “So what do you think about Emma?”
“Emma?” Shoot, was I supposed to know who Emma was? Did Emily decide she wanted to go by that now? When Cass pointed to her swollen belly, I smiled wide. Emma was definitely a little princess name. “I think it’s perfect.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, Cass.” I finished pulling on my jeans, then sat down with my back against the headboard and dragged her in between my legs, placing my hands on her stomach. “And how’s our Emma doing today?”
“She’s good. Kickin’ a lot. She loves Christmas music.”
“Just like her mama.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Her head fell back to my shoulder when my hands glided up to her breasts. “Oh, Gage.”
God, I loved how sensitive she was when she was pregnant too. I nipped at the place she loved behind her ear and she moaned.
“Everyone will be here in twenty minutes.”
“I can be fast,” I whispered against her ear, and she shivered.
“Gage, I’m huge pregnant. You can’t want a quickie with me, and we have people in the living room.”
My hands and lips stopped. Was she serious? “Darlin’, you pregnant isn’t just incredibly beautiful; it’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. You are outside your damn mind if you think seeing you like this isn’t a constant turn-on.”
“Mama!” Asher called, and Jax was right behind him shouting, “Mommy! Mommy!”
“And that turns it right back off,” I whispered, and she giggled.
“What, baby?” she asked sweetly when Jax jumped onto her legs. Asher had climbed onto the side of the bed and was hanging off my arm as he answered for both of them.
“Aunt Dana and Uncle Adam are here. Can we go outside and play with Abbi and Brandon?”
“It’s cold outside,” I whispered in the ear that was farthest from Asher.
“Ash, honey, it’s too cold outside. Why don’t y’all go into the game room, and when Aunt Jackie and Uncle Ethan get here with Caden, I’ll send him in there too, okay?”
“Go outside,
please
!” Jax begged with a cheesy grin, and I had to shove my face into Cassidy’s shoulder so he wouldn’t see me laugh.
“Not tonight, baby.”
“Mommy!” He sighed. “Said
please
!” Jax said, like that should have ensured they got their way.
I almost snorted.
“Jax.” Her voice was still sweet, as only Cassidy’s could be, but it’d taken on that mom tone and the boys knew there was no point in arguing further.
“All right, Mama,” Asher said, and he kissed her cheek, hugged my neck tightly, and climbed off the bed. “C’mon, Jax, let’s go to the game room!”
Jax didn’t move but he waved at us. “Bye, Mommy! Daddy, go a room now!”
I knew what he meant to say, but God, that kid was a riot without trying or realizing it. I couldn’t hold back my next laugh.
Cassidy lifted him up over her belly and kissed his chubby cheek before hugging him. How she did all that with her belly so big was beyond me. He looked up at me and grinned as he waved at me from behind her head. I kissed his forehead and held the hand that had been waving, let my index finger run over his wrist, then watched him run up to Asher and the two of them leave our room. I couldn’t help but smile watching them leave. We had great kids, and I couldn’t wait to see how Emma would shake things up. Now that I’d gotten my wish for a girl, I had only one more thing to ask for. Both boys had my black hair and green eyes; I couldn’t care less what color hair Emma had, but Lord, I wanted her to have wide honey-gold eyes.
Cass started to get up, but I gently brought her body back to mine. “Babe, they’re all starting to get here now; I gotta go make sure the food’s all good.”
“Sweetheart, you’ll have my mom, Amanda, Nikki, Emily, Aria, Jackie, and Dana here. I’m sure one of them is bound to check on the food if you’re not in there. I just need a few more minutes with you,” I whispered, and reached into my nightstand and dug around in the back ’til my hand hit the velvet box. Bringing it up around her, I set it on her belly and kissed her neck. “Merry Christmas, darlin’.”
“Oh, honey,” she whispered, and covered her mouth when she opened it. It was a set of three white-gold bands soldered together, each with a large birthstone on it, the birthstones going in a diagonal. The top had a ruby between
Asher
and
July 15, 2013;
the middle had an amethyst between
Jax
and
Feb. 1, 2015;
the bottom had a garnet and was blank on each side.
“As soon as Emma’s born, I’ll get the bottom engraved.” I wasn’t worried about Emma going into February; if she didn’t come early, Cassidy and her doctor had already decided she would be induced January twentieth. If she came sometime in the next week, which I doubted, then I’d just get the gem changed. “I know this is more of a Mother’s Day gift, but I bought it for this last Mother’s Day, and we found out about Emma right before I could give it to you. So I took it back and had them add on another ring when we found out the due date, and I’m not about to wait another seven months to give it to you.”
“Thank you so much, Gage.” She turned her head and cupped her hand around the back of mine to kiss me thoroughly.
When she turned back and took the ring from the box to put on her finger, I fingered the necklace under my pillow and draped it onto her chest, connected the clasp, put my hands back on her stomach, and waited.
Her hand flew up to the long necklace and she brought the pendant up to study it. It was a white-gold phoenix, with a diamond on each wing and yellow gold coming from the bottom of its tail. I’d seen it in passing one day and bought it immediately. Cassidy had learned from her mom and Connor that you had to find the beauty from the ashes. It didn’t take long for us to realize it didn’t just apply to actual ashes. Because there were a lot of times in our lives that we’d had to find the light in the dark.
I’d thought I was going to lose her from the scorpion sting, but it’d given us Asher. She’d gone through a rough pregnancy, and God had taken Jax from us momentarily and almost taken Cassidy, just to bring them back, and now Jax was a happy, healthy, and amazing kid. And it was hard knowing she wouldn’t have more kids, but it made the surprise of Emma that much sweeter. The phoenix was everywhere in our lives now. From Asher’s name and Cassidy’s second horse, which she’d named Phoenix, to the only tattoo I’ve gotten or would ever get: the same one she had on her back. It was our symbol, and her mother’s words were now our motto. During hard times, we whispered them to each other to remind ourselves that we would get through whatever was happening and would come out stronger, and when God blessed us with gifts, it was said as a prayer.
Her hand closed tightly around the pendant and she looked up at me; her wide honey eyes were filled with tears. “From ashes?” she asked with my soft smile.
“From ashes,” I confirmed.