From Duty to Daddy (13 page)

Reaching his hands to her shoulders, he felt the tension in her muscles, the tremors racking her body. Leaning down, he kissed her forehead then her lips. ‘Take care, Charlie.’
Goodbye, my love
. And he strode away with a resolution he didn’t feel.

* * *

Hamilton. The road sign indicated to continue straight ahead.

Auckland. Turn right to bypass the city.

Marshall blinked. ‘Here already?’ He hadn’t noticed a thing as he’d driven up from Taupo, his mind firmly fixed back with two beautiful females.

Indicating to turn right, he turned onto the road leading to Auckland and his trip back Stateside. No stopping today, no turning around and going back to Charlie.

He swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the blockage in his throat. Failed miserably. The vehicle surged forward until he lifted his foot from the accelerator. ‘Careful. Trying to outrun that love and sadness in Charlie’s eyes isn’t going to work. She’s a part of you for ever, Marshall.’

Yeah, maybe, but that didn’t mean he had to put her heart in jeopardy. He loved her beyond reason but how did he know that love would last through everything life tossed up? Could he guarantee he’d always be there for Charlie in heart and mind, if not in body? No, he couldn’t. Despite the sense of belonging to her family that had quickly overtaken him these past weeks, it scared him to think they’d rely on him to always come through for them.

He’d failed Rod, hadn’t he? Rod had been the closest thing to a brother he’d ever had. The pain and guilt over losing him hadn’t diminished at all.

He turned onto the motorway. The international airport was getting closer by the second.

Charlie had been through enough. He couldn’t ask her to face more heartache. And he couldn’t expect his little girl to get to know him and then face the devastation of losing him, like Rod’s kids had.

Those two boys had been completely lost and bewildered as they’d waited for Daddy to come home from yet another mission. It had taken a long time for them to finally understand that Rod was never coming home. And it had thrown them completely. Karen had told him how little Johnny wet the bed every night while his older brother had taken to lashing out at his friends at school. Only now was counselling starting to show some signs of working to improve the situation.

He didn’t want that for Aimee.

Or Charlie. There were no guarantees with his life in the army. End of.

His heart clenched so hard he feared he was having a cardiac event. He was, just not a medical one. Pulling to the side of the road, he opened the door and dragged in a lungful of fresh air, waited for the pain to ebb. Knew it would never, ever go away completely.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

T
HREE
WEEKS
LATER
Charlie clicked onto patient files prior to seeing her first patient for the day. Notes from Keisha’s surgeon caught her attention. Keisha had had a full mastectomy. Treatment would start in six weeks’ time. Concern slipped under Charlie’s skin, raised the hairs on the back of her neck.

She’d hoped fervently that this wouldn’t be the case. An image of those two beautiful boys kicking a ball around the front lawn with Marshall sneaked into her head. Aged seven and eight, they were so young to be facing this. Some kids didn’t get a fair shot at childhood.

Like Aimee. She mightn’t have known what had been going on with her mother but she’d missed out on lots. The breastfeeding had stopped. There’d been many nights when her grandfather had put her to bed because her mother had been too ill to do something so simple and vital. Charlie sighed.

Aimee didn’t appear any the worse for her rocky start in life. She had yet to meet a happier, more well-adjusted little girl. Whether that was due to Aimee’s nature or her loving grandfather, Charlie didn’t know but she was very grateful. And now, with Marshall on the periphery of their lives, things had to be even better—for Aimee, at least.

Gemma placed a cappuccino in front of her. ‘How’re you doing?’ She dropped into the nearest patient’s chair and sipped her latte.

No need to ask what she meant. ‘Absolutely fabulous. Aimee’s talking non-stop—’ about her father ‘—and loves sleeping in a bed because that means she can get out and come find me whenever it suits her. Dad’s fishing regularly for the first time since I got sick and seems to be really enjoying it. But, then, you’d know that.’

Gemma’s mouth lifted into a smile.

‘Work’s humming with more patients than I know what to do with.’ She locked eyes with her friend, determined to brazen this out.

‘And Charlie? How’s she doing?’ Gemma stared her down.

Terribly. There didn’t seem to be a cure for broken hearts. Being a doctor, she should be able to come up with something to remedy what ailed her but so far that had been a big fail. ‘I’m running between five and six k’s a day now.’ And it’s boring on my own.

‘Still haven’t heard from Marshall?’

‘Only occasional emails, which tell me next to nothing about what he’s doing.’ Twenty-three days since he’d left. Not that she was counting. ‘Aimee will forget who he is soon.’ He’d promised to stay in touch. Foolishly she’d believed that meant regular phone calls or computer video calls, something where Aimee could see or hear him. Emails didn’t cut it with her.

‘And Charlie will pretend she’s forgotten him.’

‘I miss him so much it hurts physically.’ So much for being strong.

Admitting she loved him hadn’t softened the intensity of her feelings for him or about his disappearance. If anything, her emotions were stronger, more focused. As if admitting her love had painted the world a whole new colour—glowing golden when he’d been here, dull grey now he’d gone. ‘Unfortunately he’s in my head all the time. There’s no let-up. But I can’t get angry at him. I always knew he’d leave and I’d have to love him from afar.’

Gemma stood up and tossed her empty paper cup in the bin. ‘Give him time. I can’t believe he’s gone for good. His love for you and Aimee came through in everything he did. He might not realise how he feels yet, but he’ll get there.’

‘You’ve been reading too many romance stories.’ Or talking to Dad. Her despair was obvious even to her. Charlie shrugged. So what? It hurt. Beyond belief. ‘Even if he does work that out, he’s not giving up his army career for anyone. He doesn’t do settled down.’ Draining her coffee, she also aimed her paper cup for the bin. It went in. First thing to go right that morning.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get the day started and put all this Marshall stuff aside for a while. Take Aimee swimming at the pool after work.

‘Who’s your first patient?’ Gemma asked, obviously finished with Marshall for a while.

Relieved, Charlie smiled. ‘Faye Burnside and her baby. Can you give Ryan his shots after I’ve seen them?’ Smoothing down her skirt, Charlie followed the nurse out to the waiting room.

‘Faye, come through. How’s your wee man?’ She picked up the heavy day bag the young woman had left beside the chair and swung it at her side as she walked to her consulting room. Definitely getting fitter. A few weeks ago she’d have struggled to lift the darned thing.

‘Ryan’s only waking twice for feeding during the night now. Thank goodness. I thought he’d never get used to sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time.’ Faye sank onto the chair Gemma had recently vacated. ‘To think I used to be able to party all night and get up to go to work the next morning.’

‘You weren’t doing that seven nights a week for weeks on end.’

Charlie smiled as she took Ryan from Faye. ‘Hey, gorgeous. You still being a good boy?’ Jiggling him in her arms brought memories of Aimee at this age flooding into her mind and whipping up another storm of emotions. The amazing sense of achievement that her body could produce someone so perfect and precious. The instant love, the need to protect. Being a mother was indescribable. Longing for another baby hit hard.

Get over yourself. You’re with patients.
Not to mention there won’t be any more babies. But— No. No more babies. Be happy with the healthy child you have.

Faye interrupted her selfish mental monologue. ‘Can you look at Ryan’s tummy? Sometimes a bump comes up just below his ribs.’

‘Of course. Any other things you’re concerned about?’ Charlie didn’t mind asking new mothers about their worries. Better to clear them up than have mums stressing needlessly. ‘I know I had plenty of questions when Aimee was this little. Being a doctor meant diddly squat.’

Faye grinned as she took Ryan to undress him for Charlie to examine. ‘Not at the moment. I have bugged the Plunket nurses with loads of questions. They’re so patient, answering everything like I’m not crazy. It was one of them who said I should show you Ryan’s tummy.’

‘That’s what they’re there for.’ New Zealand’s Plunket Society had been around for ever, helping mothers with their newborns.

‘There. Do you see that?’ Faye gently touched a raised area below her son’s ribs.

Charlie carefully palpated the area. ‘I think Ryan has a small hernia, which is easily repaired with minor surgery.’

Faye gasped. ‘No way. Surgery? But he’s so little.’

‘Hernias are quite common with infants and the procedure is straightforward.’ She’d have been terrified if Aimee had had to have the op done, despite knowing the lack of risk involved.

‘Faye, I’ll refer you to a surgeon who’s excellent with babies. He’ll decide if Ryan needs surgery or if he’ll take a wait-and-see approach. You really mustn’t worry.’ Like Faye would take the slightest bit of notice to those words of wisdom. She certainly wouldn’t have if this had been Aimee. ‘Sorry. Silly thing to say. I’ll print out some information for you to take home and read. Show it to your partner, too.’

Faye’s face had turned pale as she snapped together the studs down the front of Ryan’s romper suit. Lifting him into her arms, she hugged him desperately. ‘But he’s so happy, doesn’t cry like he’s in pain or anything.’

‘That’s because he’s not. Sit down for a few minutes. Ask anything that pops into your head.’ Charlie answered numerous questions while searching on her computer for medical information and quickly found the relevant notes on infant hernias to print out.

‘Here you go. And here’s a referral to the surgeon in Rotorua. I’ll get Molly to phone through for an appointment while you’re here. The sooner Ryan sees him the sooner you can stop worrying.’

‘Will we have to wait months for an appointment?’ Faye’s hand soothed Ryan’s back, even though he was the least distressed person in the room.

Shaking her head, Charlie reassured her. ‘I imagine you’ll see him within a week. Seriously, while this isn’t something you wanted to happen, you mustn’t get too wound up about it. I bet if you ask at your postnatal group you’ll find other mums who’ve dealt with the same condition and they’ll be able to tell you the same as I am. Ryan’s going to be fine.’

She escorted Faye to Reception and arranged for Molly to make the appointment. Glancing at the timetable, she turned to the waiting area. ‘Beau, come through to the surgical room.’

A twenty-three-year-old man lumbered to his feet, dwarfing everyone around him. ‘Sure, Doctor. How are you today?’

Grinning up at him, she replied, ‘I’m supposed to ask that.’

‘I know.’ He grinned back at her. ‘How many of these little suckers are you cutting out of me today?’

‘Three.’

‘Bet you don’t let your little girl out in the sun without layers of sun block on.’ Beau had a history of basal cell carcinoma. Two had been removed in previous years and now he opted to have anything remotely abnormal removed before it got too big. While non-malignant, the carcinomas would never go away without medical intervention.

‘I smother her from top to toe. So much she’s probably going to be vitamin D deficient instead.’ Hard to get a balance. Too much sun was bad, too little wasn’t great either. Just like everything else, steering a middle course often seemed like juggling a bucketful of balls all at once.

* * *

Marshall sat in Karen’s kitchen, his hands playing with an empty beer bottle. ‘Man, it’s hot.’

‘Hotter than New Zealand?’ Karen grinned.

‘It was toasty but nothing like this.’ He should never have told her about Charlie, but one night two months ago when he’d been to see her after returning from Afghanistan she’d been so down about Rod’s death he’d filled in the silences by talking about anything that had come into his head. As Charlie was always in his head, that’s who he’d talked about. Today he’d already let slip that he’d flown over to New Zealand to see her.

Karen looked over the rim of her wine glass at him. ‘How was Charlie?’

Hot. Sexy. Loving. Wise. And wishing for far too much from him. ‘Surprised to see me.’ Angry with him, pleased with him, and very disappointed. No surprise there. He’d walked away with a very heavy heart. Now a shaft of jealousy crawled through his gut at the thought of her following through on his stunning piece of advice to find another guy.

‘In a good way?’ Karen wasn’t letting up.

‘Yep.’ Then the words he’d been holding back, telling the news he’d wanted to share with someone since he’d got back to the States, spewed out. ‘We have a daughter. Aimee. Eighteen months old and the cutest little girl I’ve ever met.’ And he missed her as much as her mother. Pulling out his phone, he showed photos of Aimee and Charlie.

Karen’s eyes stuck out as if they were on stalks. Her mouth curled into a soft smile. ‘Wow, what a little cutie. Got her daddy’s eyes.’ The smile widened. ‘I’m guessing that’s Charlie. She’s beautiful, too. When do I get to meet them, huh? Are they coming over here?’

‘What’s this? A quiz show?’ Why had he opened his goddamned mouth? Shoving his chair back, he headed for the trash to dump the bottle.

‘You bet it is. If Rod was here you’d be spilling the beans to him.’ Her voice caught, and twisted his heart at the same time. Her brave face had been all for show.

Spinning around, he crossed to lift her into a gentle hug. ‘Take it easy.’ With a soft squeeze he sat her back on her chair and circled the table. He wanted that smile back on her face before he left, no matter how fragile it appeared.

‘Charlie and Aimee are not coming here. And I’m not moving to New Zealand. You know how it is with the army sending me all over the show. Hardly fair on Charlie, is it?’

‘She said that?’ Strength was returning to Karen’s voice.

‘No. I didn’t give her the chance. We’re not going down that path. It’s too hard on everyone. Imagine how bewildering it would be for a little girl. She’d no sooner start to get to know me than I’d be off again.’

‘Better than not knowing you at all.’

‘Charlie will find someone else, a guy who can be a regular dad to Aimee.’ His gut clenched painfully. Another man raising his kid? Didn’t seem right from here. Neither did he feel ecstatic about another guy sharing Charlie’s bed. But what was a guy supposed to do if he wanted to protect those he loved?

Karen locked gazes with him. ‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this. What’s happened to you? Leave your brain in Afghanistan? Lose your nerve between battles? Come on, Marshall, you’re shirking your duty, never mind your heart.’

‘Not fair. You know where my duty lies.’ When her eyebrows rose he hurriedly continued before she could say anything else disturbing. ‘Charlie lives in the house where she was born. The only time she’s left Taupo was to train as a doctor. She works in the same medical centre as her father. Me.’ He stabbed his chest with a thumb. ‘The longest I’ve lived in the same place is fifteen months. We are completely incompatible.’

His tongue had got away from him again. It had been happening far too often since he’d returned from New Zealand and that woman who seemed to have stolen his heart and tipped his world upside down.

‘Never took you for a scaredy-cat.’ Karen gripped his hand. ‘I’ve lost my husband and lover, my kids have lost their father, but we will always remember him and know the love he shared with us. Did you know Rod had decided not to sign up again? He wanted to put us before the army. He believed in us, saw the army had many men, and that we only had him.’

She blinked. ‘Marshall, what’s staying in the army because of your perceived guilt over his death going to achieve? Nothing. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for his death. He wouldn’t hold you responsible.’

‘He never told me he was getting out.’ Rod’s timing had sucked. He’d nearly made it. A shiver ran up Marshall’s spine. For Rod? Or himself and those he loved? Had he got it all wrong? Did his men need
him
or would any competent officer suffice? Certainly no one could take his place as father to Aimee, no matter what he’d told Charlie. No man could love Charlie as much as he did. But to walk away from his long-held beliefs, his guilt and start over?