Authors: Michele G Miller
She’s barely started the ignition when her phone buzzes. Pulling the phone from her drink holder, she checks her messages.
West: You need to head home. Please
"You've got to be kidding me." Jules looks around the parking lot. Is he watching her?
Jules: What do you care? You left me here
West: I care a whole hell of a lot!
Jules: Then what, West? You flipped out on me. No worries, I'm sorry I misunderstood things so badly
She tosses her phone onto the seat next to her and throws the car into ‘Drive’. Her cell buzzes again, but she ignores it and makes her way back to the main highway. When she comes to the entrance of the park, she is startled to see West sitting on his bike waiting for her. She closes her eyes for a moment and pulls out without looking his way. Just drive, she tells herself when her phone buzzes again. A single headlight shows up in her rearview mirror and she ignores it as she pulls into her own neighborhood; taking the winding turns to her street slowly. West keeps a good distance between them, but follows her all the way home. The roads are empty for a Saturday night, as most people are following the curfew set in place by local law enforcement due to the hazardous conditions existing in the center of the city. She pulls to a stop in her driveway instead of pulling around to the garage, and waits expectantly for West to pull behind her. Her heart picks up when he slows and comes closer, but then amazingly enough, he passes the house without stopping. At first she thinks he’s going to turn around, and she jumps out of the vehicle quickly. Then she feels like she’s in the middle of one, big, cosmic joke as he drives past and off into the distance.
He followed her home to make sure she got there safely, and then he left. She wants to scream. She remembers the missed texts and dives into the car to check her phone.
West: Don't be that way. I'm an idiot
West: I'm a jerk...I'm so stupid, I'm sorry
Angry now, she says aloud, "Yes you are. See ya around." She turns her phone off and retreats inside, where she plans on sleeping her confusion and sorrows away for the next few days.
Eighteen
"I holed up in my house for the entire weekend. The stress of the funerals, Stuart’s departure and West’s rejection took their toll on me, and I must've slept more that weekend than I ever have in my life. My mom began to hover by Sunday afternoon. She didn't ask questions, but she knew there was something going on with me."
Jules thinks back to the first few days after the funerals were over and suddenly isn’t sure what to do anymore. Tanya is gone and people are already moving on, yet she isn’t sure how to do that.
* * *
The first step to normalcy is the girl’s night she planned with Katie. Tuesday night Jules carries an armload of drinks, snacks and chocolates to her room in preparation for Katie's arrival. They had only exchanged a handful of text messages since Tanya's funeral, and she looks forward to having some girl time. So when Jules opens the front door around seven o’clock to her friend wearing what Tanya used to affectionately call her 'angry face', she is taken aback.
Jules moves in for a hug with a confused smile as Katie pushes past her and kicks off her flip flops by the door.
"You wanna tell me what’s going on with you?"
"Well, hello to you too," Jules replies; shutting the door behind her.
"Don't play coy with me, Jules. Here or upstairs?" She reminds Jules of an angry sprite, with her blonde hair pulled up into a messy ponytail and a pair of sunglasses perched on her head. Her hands are jutted out on her hips and her foot taps menacingly.
It’s almost funny to see Katie mad. Tanya always made fun of her, because at five feet- one inch tall and barely one hundred pounds, she is a tiny ball of muscles and attitude who sounds like a five year-old with her high pitched voice. She is one tough cookie though, and right now Jules is fully in the crosshairs of her ire.
Reluctantly, she motions for Katie to follow her. "Upstairs."
The moment Katie closes Jules’ bedroom door behind her, she spins on her in agitation. "Seriously, Jules!"
"Seriously, what?"
"You and Stuart break up and I have to hear about it from
Jeff
? I thought we were best friends!"
Jules ignores the fundamental implication that questions their friendship and goes straight to Jeff's name.
"From Jeff? When did
he
talk to Stuart? It's not like they're best friends."
Katie grabs her hand and pulls her onto the bed. "Don't change the subject, girlfriend. What happened?"
Grabbing a pillow, Jules hugs it to her chest as she crosses her legs and tries to explain everything to Katie.
"It was bound to happen. He's heading to California next year, and I'm staying here. We needed a break."
Katie rolls her eyes. "A lot can happen in nine months. Why now?"
"I..." She stops and thinks back to her conversation with Stuart Saturday night.
Stuart practically jumps off the couch when Jules questions whether they were truly going to try and make things work once he moved to California.
"I'm confused. A week ago we were talking about finally having sex, and
now
you're questioning us? Why, Jules?"
"Yeah, and a week ago forty-five people were still alive. Things change."
"Things change? What's changed? Can you tell me? Because I still love you."
She bites her lip and stands when Stuart tries to pull her closer. She walks over to the wall of pictures and trophies that are displayed in the media room. Stuart's years of football glory are laid out unabashedly for all to admire.
"Everything," she whispers; her fingers brushing over the silver plastic head of a football championship trophy. "Everything changed. I love you, Stuart, but I'm not
in
love with you anymore."
"You're stressed, doll. You need to take some time to rest and let everything sink in. This week has been hell for all of us."
"No!" That isn’t it and she knows it, although she wishes it was that easy. She wishes she could merely close her eyes and wake up the next morning and everything would continue on the way it always has been, but she can’t. She can’t go back, because every time she closes her eyes, her mind is filled with West Rutledge. Every time she thinks about moving forward, she feels his hand in hers.
"I'm sorry." She faces him and tries to explain. He stands before her and reminds her of a man facing a shooting squad; his face pinched and drawn. "I don't want to wait around for you; for weekend visits, or for football season to end..."
"You're mad I'm leaving?" he guesses and steps towards her.
Jules raises a hand and shakes her head to discourage him. "Honestly, I'm happy for you. I mean, I'm going to miss you, but no, I'm not mad. I understand it and I'm not sad. What does that say about us, if I'm not sad you're leaving?"
"Jules…don't do this! There's no rush for us to split up. Let's take a break and get situated with our new realities."
"
This
is the new reality, and I think we should break up." She meets his eyes and adds, "Now."
Stuart crosses his arms, and his stance suddenly takes a more aggressive form. His lip curls up as a small laugh of disbelief escapes him.
"This is about West, isn't it?"
She can’t cover the guilt on her face fast enough and he shakes his head at her unspoken acknowledgment.
"Really? What
—
he's your knight in shining armor now?"
"It's not like that."
"Then what's it like? Don't tell me he isn't involved in this decision, Jules. I'm not an idiot. I saw you two at the funeral. This town has eyes…you know that. I also know you went off with him on his bike the other day after the funeral for that sophomore."
"Quinton."
"What?"
"His name, the sophomore, was Quinton. And yes, I did leave with him. He wanted to talk. You wouldn't understand."
"Are you kidding me?" he barks and Jules jumps at his anger. "I totally understand. He's using you. He's taking advantage of you, Jules."
"He isn't using me. I've barely spoken to him in years, you know. We used to be friends, we grew up together, and then things happened and it all changed. He saved me the other night. He didn't have to, but he did." She balls her fists thinking about it. "There's something there, Stuart. I'm sorry, but it's not fair for me to be with you when I'm thinking of him."
"West Rutledge, Jules? Really? What can he
possibly
do for you that I can't? He's a loner who skulks around in black and sneers at the world."
"That loner saved my life. You know, the life of the girl you claim to love. Careful, Stuart. Your snob is showing."
Stuart all but growls as he looks at her. Jules sees the anger in his body language, but it’s at war with the hurt she can make out in his eyes. She knows his look of pain, and underneath the anger she sees pain in his crystal blue eyes.
"My
snob
? Hell yeah, my snob is showing! You're dumping me for a guy who doesn't seem to care about anything. You don't even know him."
"No,
you
don't know him."
He blows out a deep breath; his head falling back as he looks at the ceiling. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and she watches him silently, knowing her words must hurt.
"Fine. You know what? I'll let you break up with me." Jules gives him a hard look at the 'let you' and he backtracks. "What I mean is, I won't fight you." Leveling his gaze on her, he closes the gap between them.
Jules’ head begins to pound again and she has to tell herself to stand her ground and not slink back out of guilt.
Stuart takes her hands and pulls her into his chest; wrapping her arms around his waist. She tips her head up as he speaks.
"I won't fight you because I think you're just confused. I think that whatever happened with the two of you in that house feels important because it was life or death, but you know what? I'm still here. I wish I'd been with you that night. If I hadn't had to meet with Coach, things would have been different. One damn moment. That's all it takes to change our lives, huh?"
"Yeah," she whispers brokenly and rests her forehead against his chest.
"I'm always here for you."
"I know, and maybe I
am
just screwed up, but I need to be fair."
He laughs and hugs her tightly. "I wish I could say I didn't care about fair, but I'll be damned if I'm going to look like an idiot in Houston while you try to figure out what's going on."
"You know I wouldn't do that to you," she insists; pulling back from their embrace.
He drops his arms with a shrug. "Do I? Like I said, people talk."
Jules mentally curses their gossipy small town to hell and back as she wonders whose tongue had wagged. She should have known someone would notice her and West's few mostly-innocent encounters. Neither she nor West made any effort to hide their hand-holding at the funerals, and she willingly left on his bike the other day without worrying what anyone would think.
Perfect example? When Mary Anne Hinke wore a red lace bra to a business lunch with a very unhappily married man, the whole town had heard about it before his wife even picked the kids up from school. Her 'friends' learned how to gossip from the best of them; their own mothers.
"Why didn't you ask me about him before now?"
"I trusted you," he admits. "I knew you'd tell me if there was something I needed to know. Of course, I really didn't think I had anything to worry about."
"I'm so sorry, Stuart," she mumbles; trying to keep herself composed.
He walks her through the quiet house without another word. His parents have apparently already retired to their rooms for the evening, and Jules is glad for that. Having to face them will surely make her feel guiltier for dumping their son.
Stuart opens the car door for her and waits as she slides into her seat. She stares out the front windshield as he starts to close her door. Then he stops and looks at her one last time, his blue eyes pulled together in thought.
"I meant what I said, Jules. I'm here for you, always. Mom and I are leaving to head back to Houston tomorrow afternoon, but you can call me anytime. Maybe you could come and visit in a few weeks, as friends even."
She shrugs. "Yeah, maybe." She doesn’t want to tell him that she can’t see how they could handle being just friends any time soon, but the thought makes her sad. Willingly letting him go, after everything else she's been through that week, makes her hurt.
"So he shut the door and I left. The end."
"Wait!" Katie blurts out, stopping the retelling. "I don't really care what Stuart thinks about it all. Tell me how
you
feel."
"I'm trying." Jules falls to her back and stares at the ceiling. "He was pretty pissed, K. I did a crap thing, didn't I?"