From This Day Forward (22 page)

“I’m glad. I am becoming quite fond of that dog.”

“Do not get too attached. Jasper is John’s favorite dog. I know he bred him and has a litter of his pups. Perhaps we can get one of those.”

The use of the word
we
, as though they were in this together, accelerated Rachel’s heartbeat. It had been a long time since she felt really connected to another—since she had left her home. For a moment she let herself give into the feelings he generated in her—ones she had no business having. He was only here because he felt responsible for her and Faith, and ultimately she wanted to learn the skills she needed to be able to stand alone and not have to depend on others. That was all she needed from him.

Sitting next to Nathan as he drove the cart, Rachel peered behind her at Emma and Ben, dressed in the new clothes she had made them. Their grins warmed her heart and reconfirmed her decision to spend some of her money for shoes for the children. She had burned the rags they wore the minute she finished a simple dress for Emma and a shirt and trousers for Ben. After she completed another gown for Mrs. Bridges, she would have scraps she could fashion into more outfits for the two of them.

“I cannot believe we are goin’ t’ a party,” Emma whispered to her brother so loud everyone in the cart heard.

“And stayin’ overnight at a fancy place.” Ben’s eyes grew round as Nathan neared the front of his sister’s house.

“There will be other children at the celebration.” Rachel angled around and faced forward, her arm brushing up against Nathan. “Do you think they will be all right at your sister’s?”

“Do you want me to turn around and take them back to the farm?”

“Oh no. I am just worried about how they will get along with the others. I have been working with them on their speech. They are a little better.”

He slanted a look at her. “You are becoming too attached to them.”

“The constable didn’t know a Ben Adams. We have heard nothing from him about any family.”

“ ’Tis only three weeks since you took them in.”

“Nothing else has happened. Perhaps you surprised a poacher or someone passing through.”

“Perhaps.” His tone conveyed his doubts.

Whereas with her, she had hope for the first time in a long while. The hens were producing eggs, enough to keep up with their needs. The pig would give birth soon. She was earning extra money with her sewing. All the vegetables in the garden were coming up, although the children had to spend much time chasing away the crows and other pests. Mr. Baker had become a good friend and suitor for Maddy. Faith was gaining weight and becoming more alert each day.

Nathan brought the cart around to the stable at Liberty Hall then dismounted to assist Rachel down from the seat. The children leaped from the back. Emma took Faith from Maddy, and Ben helped the maid down. For a brief moment Rachel wondered if this was what a real family could be like. An attentive, loving husband. Adorable children.

Then thoughts of Tom and his brutality invaded her mind, putting a pall on her musing. She knew the Lord wanted her to forgive Tom, but she could not do it. He had caused her so much pain.

“Where are the puppies?” Emma came around to the front of the cart.

“In there.” Nathan pointed toward the stable.

“We can pick any one out to take back to the farm?” Ben’s green eyes clouded with uncertainty.

Rachel put her hand on the boy’s shoulder, and for the first time he did not flinch away. “That is what Mr. McNeal said.”

“Can we do that now?” Emma nibbled on her bottom lip.

John came out of the stable. “Yes, you can. I want you to be sure before you take it home tomorrow. The litter is in the last stall.”

Emma and Ben scurried into the building.

“I will go and make sure there is not a problem.” Maddy went after the two children.

“Leave this. I will have a servant take care of your bags and horse.” John gestured toward the cart then started toward the house. “How is Jasper? Has he caught any more thieves?”

“No. Finding Emma and Ben took care of our missing food.” Nathan glanced back at the stable as if he were not sure if he should leave the children there.

“But nothing else about whom might have attacked you in the swamp?”

“It has been quiet for the past three weeks.” Rachel fell into step next to Nathan.

“Quiet. I am not sure you and I define quiet in the same way. The children are constantly talking and asking questions. Ben wants to know everything about the crops. He is a quick learner.”

“Has he had any schooling?” John opened the back door into his house.

Rachel stepped inside. “I don’t think so. He mentioned his mother teaching him some before she died. I am thinking of working with him on reading. Emma too. I have a few books I brought from England I can use.”

Nathan frowned. “When are you going to find time for that, between keeping house, tending to the animals and garden, sewing for Mrs. Bridges, and taking care of Faith?”

John chuckled. “I will leave you two to talk. I’m sure Sarah is in the parlor. A few of our neighbors have already arrived.”

The moment John left, Rachel rounded on Nathan. “You don’t need to worry about me. Everything has been fine lately. I have managed to keep up, and I am learning every day more of what I need to do so you will be able to leave with a clear conscience. If Emma and Ben stay, I will have a lot of people around me. A lot of help. You cannot deny they are doing their share of the work without us even asking half the time.”

“They are still not telling us everything, and it has been over three weeks. We have given them no reason not to trust us. I’m just not ready to accept them with no reservations like you.”

“They are children, eight and twelve. I don’t agree with stealing, but they needed food.” She moved closer and lowered her voice. “Have you ever thought perhaps they sense you don’t accept them totally? If we want them to trust us, we must trust them.”

“You have not lost any of your naïvety.”

She settled her hand on her waist. “At least I don’t try to hide from life.”

“If I were hiding from life, I would be at my cabin right now. Not here for my sister’s party.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the front hall.

Rachel stomped after him, intending to continue the conversation.

Nathan came to an abrupt halt, the sound of male voices—familiar ones—drifting to Rachel. She stopped at his side and stared at Sarah hugging their brother then their grandfather. Rachel backed away a few feet. The last she had heard from Sarah only Patrick Stuart was attending the party.

The old man peered across the foyer, his sharp gaze skimming over Nathan and landing on her. His mouth compressed into a scowl, and he stepped toward his granddaughter and said something to her that Rachel could not hear. Then he put his top hat back on his head and stormed out the front door.

“I will talk to him, Sarah,” Mr. Stuart said then hurried after his grandfather.

Nathan closed the space to his sister. “We have decided to leave.”

“
We
have not decided that,” Rachel said, giving Sarah a hug.

Nathan glared at her. “I don’t want to ruin my sister’s party.”

“I know you will not do that.” Sarah walked to a window that afforded a view of the front lawn. “ ’Tis about time you two mend this rift between you. Patrick and I are tired of this feud. We want our family back.”

“Then you tell
him
that.”

“I will.”

“You think Patrick can talk him into staying?” Nathan shook his head. “He will not stay.”

“Don’t be too sure of that. Patrick and Grandfather are coming back to the house.” Sarah shifted away from the window.

Rachel glanced around for a place to disappear. But then the front door swung open again, and both men entered the house. Anger carved hard planes into the older man’s face. Who was he more upset with, her or Nathan?

“The only reason I am staying is because my grandson refuses to leave and take me home. I would walk, but my gout has been acting up lately.”

“Then ’tis good that Nathan is here. He can give you something for it.” Sarah smiled and slipped her arm through her grandfather’s. “Mr. Baker is here and so are Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Calhoun. We will have a merry time.”

Although Sarah’s voice was full of gaiety, the corners of her mouth twitched as if it were hard to maintain her grin. Rachel couldn’t even muster a smile. Her heart thudded in her chest. The constriction about her torso made breathing difficult.

As the trio entered the parlor, Nathan rotated toward her. “We can leave if you want.”

“This might be the time you and your grandfather can make amends. You certainly will not go to Pinecrest. I see your sister and brother’s reasoning behind getting you two here together for the celebration.”

“That is not what I asked you. Do
you
want to stay?”

“Being born English is not a crime. I have been looking forward to this party for weeks. I want to stay.”

“Then we will, but after my last visit to Pinecrest, I have come to realize my grandfather does not want to make amends, so I have no illusions it will ever happen.”

“That does not stop you from telling him you forgive him for what happened five years ago—whatever led to your fight with him.”

“But I don’t. I thought I had, but I’m discovering I really haven’t. He is responsible for Eliza and her child’s death as much as I am.”

Another group of people arrived in the foyer. Rachel pulled Nathan toward the library and closed the door. “You did what you could. I know you. There was nothing else you could have done under the circumstances. Forgive yourself then your grandfather. Have you ever considered he is a hurting man? He lost people he cared about because of the war with England. That doesn’t mean I condone his hating every Englishman or woman, but that hatred has been eating at him for years. Perhaps you should make the first move. Free yourself. Hatred and anger are poisons.” She listened to her own words and wondered if she would ever be able to do the same with Tom.

“So I’m supposed to march in there and tell him I forgive him. Then all will be well.”

“No. First you have to mean it. If you do, then at least you have done what you can. You are not responsible for his feelings. Only yours.”

A tic twitched in his jaw. “Have you forgiven your husband?”

The question iced her veins. “We are not talking about me. My husband is dead. I don’t have to spend time with him anymore.”

“How convenient for you. Because he is no longer around, you don’t have to follow your own advice.”

The sarcasm in his voice hit its mark, piercing through her heart and bringing forth all the pain that Tom had caused in their short marriage. And the guilt because she could not forgive him.

“If he were standing right here in front of you instead of me, would you be able to tell him you forgive him for his abuse, for leaving you stranded in a strange country with little means of support?”

She opened her mouth to reply, but no words came to mind. All she could focus on was the palpable fury emitting from Nathan.

“That’s what I thought. You cannot, any more than I can. I tried several times and had it thrown back in my face. I will not try again. I did everything my grandfather wanted and that was not enough for him. In a short time after my father’s death, he pulled the family apart. We should have come closer together in our sorrow.”

“I know what it is like to have a rift in the family. I wish my circumstances were different, but I forgave my father on the voyage over to America. That doesn’t mean I am not hurt by his actions and pride, but I do not hate him.”

“Then sell the farm and go back to England.”

“I cannot. When I left, Papa said that my husband and I would not amount to anything. That I would come back begging for help, and he would not give it. I needed to make the choice, family or Tom. I could not have both.”

“That doesn’t sound like you forgave him.”

“I have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten what he said. Going back, begging for help, is not the way I will return to England. I will make something of this situation given to me. Then I will consider returning to England.”

“So this is temporary.”

“South Carolina is not my home. England is.”

“I see.” Nathan strode toward the door and opened it.

Rachel shivered at the sight of the coldness in his expression. “Where are you going?”

“To join this little celebration. Is that not why we came today?” He left Rachel alone. The click of the door closing resounded through the room with finality.

Rachel eased onto a chair, holding herself rigid for a moment before the effort was too much, and she sank against its back. In spite of what her father had done, she still loved him and hoped one day to return to Mansfield Manor, to visit at least. She wanted Faith to get to know her family. The economy in South Carolina was finally starting to improve after the recent war. If she could make the farm successful, she could sell it for enough money to allow her to return to England and establish herself without depending on her family. But what would happen to that plan if Nathan walked away right now? She still had much to learn. She wished she didn’t have to depend on him, but she did. She was realistic enough to know she couldn’t run the farm without Nathan, at least not yet.