FUSE (14 page)

"You're such a good girl, Zoe." There's a smile in the words. "Your father and I are very proud of you."

I know she is. I've never carried any doubt about that. My father has pulled back since Justin died. Tim is his best friend. When Tim had found the note that Justin left on his phone all the grief his family felt manifested into blame. Justin was scared. He was overwhelmed with the idea of marrying me. I hadn't pushed. We decided together we wanted to start building a life. He had proposed and I'd said yes and we'd gone to choose flowers, a band and a venue. He'd been struggling with depression for years and the weight of the wedding and the responsibility of the future were too much for him.

"I love you, mom," I say it because I need to hear it back.

"I love you, Zoe. I love you with all of my heart."

B
eck

I used to think that if Alexa left Noah and showed up on my doorstep that I'd take her back and never let her go. I wanted Liz back for years too. Now, as I sit at my desk in my home office and clear out the files on my computer, I realize that if I never see either of them again, my life is complete. That sense of contentment has nothing to do with either of them. I loved them, or felt something that I thought was love, for both of them.

Since I've met Zoe, I've realized that what I already feel for her, which is on the edge of what many would consider love is much deeper and profound than anything I've felt for anyone before. I ache when I'm not with Zoe. I think about her smile endlessly. I know I can finally work now because I feel her body, and smell her skin and taste her breath when I bring the brush to the canvas. I've never felt more alive. This is love. This is the beginning of love.

The soft knock at the door brings me to my feet quickly. I'd told the doorman to bring her up to my apartment the moment she walked into the building. I've been waiting for her all day.

"Zoe." I pull her into my chest the moment I open the door.

She hugs me tightly. Her arms wrapped effortlessly around my waist as she rests her head against my chest.

"You should come in." I take a step back and pull her with me, before I push the door closed with the toe of my shoe. "Tell me about today."

Her head darts up. Her eyes soak in my face. Before I'd make love to her I hadn't seen what I see now in her eyes. She looks at me with need and desire. I thought I saw it once when we were standing on the street and she was staring at my lips. I might have wished that it was there then because I wanted it so desperately myself.

"My interview went really well." She pulls back to slide her coat from her body. "I think they were impressed."

I take the coat and throw it onto a chair. "I know they must have been."

"I'm anxious to know if I've been accepted but it's a long process. I won't hear for months."

When I met her in the coffee shop the morning that she dropped off her application, I'd read the name of the admissions officer. I'd made some calls. I could pull in a favor by donating a piece of my new collection to the school but that's not something I'm willing to do without Zoe's consent.

"I know someone at the school." I grab her shoulders. "If you want me to persuade them to consider your application more carefully, I can do that."

The corner of her mouth pops up in a sly grin. "No, absolutely not. I'm getting into that school on my own. I can do it, Beck."

I run my fingertips over her brow. "I've never doubted that for a second, or you, Zoe. You're going to do great things when you become a lawyer."

She bites her lower lip before she speaks. "I like that you see that in me. I know that you really do. You're not just bullshitting me."

"I can't bullshit you, Zoe. I won't."

***

"Z
oe," I whisper her beautiful name against her lips. "I've never kissed anyone like this before."

"You have the most amazing lips." She runs her hand over my cheek. "Your lips are so soft. You really know how to kiss."

I'm aroused. I'm so hard and wanting. I've been kissing her for the past ten minutes. I want to take her back to my bed and keep her there but I know she has to work tonight. "I need to talk to you."

Her body stiffens with the words. "You keep saying that."

I feel lost when she pulls back from my embrace. Her hands drop to her lap. I know it's just a defense mechanism kicking in. She's fearful that I'm going to say something that will break her heart.

"I need to say some things."

"About other women, right?"

I've never seen any sign of insecurity in her face. She's confident and it's one of the traits I admire most about her. Right now though, I see a flash of uncertainty and a wavering of the belief she has in herself.

"Yes. It's about other women."

"What about them?"

It's not the response I imagined. "I want to explain to you about Liz and Alexa."

"What does Alexa look like?"

I frown. I won't do this. "It doesn't matter."

"I've seen lots of pictures of Liz online." She gestures towards her phone. "There aren't any pictures of you and Alexa."

"I was never in public with her."

"Does she look like me?"

She's not referring to her hair or eye color. I know that and it pains me that she's asking me something that completely irrelevant. "No. She's not nearly as beautiful as you."

She swallows hard. "I like how I look."

"I love how you look."

Her tongue touches her top lip. "I like how my body feels."

"I love how your body feels, Zoe. I've never been with any woman with a more perfect body."

She turns her face towards me quickly. "You like making love to me."

I love that it's not a question. She knows how I feel. I shift my body so I'm facing her directly. "Zoe. It's been a very long time since I've been with Liz or Alexa. I remember them both because I cared for them but those memories aren't sharp anymore. They've faded along with what I felt for them."

Her eyes lock on mine. "You don't love Alexa anymore?"

The question is almost laughable. Since meeting Zoe I'm not certain I ever loved Alexa. I wanted her. I chased after her when she got together with Noah but that was more about challenge than anything.

"One of the first things I ever said to you was that I lost the woman I love."

She nods. Her hands fist together in her lap. "I remember word-for-word what you said. You were upset that she was getting married."

"Since I met you, I've thought a lot about that. I've thought a lot about Alexa and Liz."

She scratches her cheek. "I've thought about Justin too."

Her words reassure me, even if they're not meant to. "I want you to understand what I've done and why I'll never do those things to you."

Z
oe

When Justin and I first met I was nineteen-years-old. He was the same age as me and we went to a movie. We held hands, ate popcorn and then we had sex. It wasn't my first time but it was my first time with a man who held me afterwards. He cradled me in his arms in the bed in his room at his parent's house and he planned out dates with me for the next two weeks. I knew that he liked me more than anyone had before that. He wanted to make me happy but life was hard for him and soon there were secrets and lies and he wouldn't show up when he said he would. I saw him as my future and knew that in life you have to take the good with the bad. I promised myself that if I ever starting caring about a man again that I'd uncover his secrets so that it would be more good than bad.

"What have you done, Beck?" I don't cower at all when I ask him the question. I genuinely want to know what he's done. I want to know it all.

He pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear. It's a tender gesture that feels misplaced right now. Whatever he's about to say to me might change our connection; it may alter my entire perception of him.

"I cheated on Liz with Alexa and I guess that means I cheated on Alexa with Liz."

I shake my head slightly to try and absorb the words. "Who were you with?"

"Both, I guess." He rubs his hand over his head. "Liz."

I don't respond. Justin never had to say it, but I knew there was a possibility he was unfaithful. I'd see the way he looked at other girls but I wanted the happy ending so badly, that I looked the other way.

"I was in Paris with Liz." He rests his hand on my knee. "She was hurt in that accident and it was hard. She was in pain emotionally. She loved the man who died in the car she was in."

I didn't know that. All I read was that she had been with a friend of hers who died. I'd imagined that would impact her recovery. Grief is a heavy enough burden on its own without adding physical injury to it.

"That sounds difficult, "I offer.

"I met Alexa one day when she was lost." He pushes out a breath between her lips. "We share mutual friends and they gave her my number because they knew we were both in Paris."

"What is she like?" I ask because I have a sense of who Liz is from the information available online. Alexa is a mystery.

"Impulsive, intense." He squeezes my knee. "She was lonely. I was too."

"Did Liz find out?"

"I told her." He shifts his gaze to the floor. "After Alexis left Paris I told Liz about it."

"Did she end it then?" It's a silly question. It doesn't matter when it ended. It's over now.

"No," he answers quietly. "We stayed together briefly after that and tried to make it work, but then it fell apart."

"Who did you love more?" I scratch my chin. "I mean did you love one of them more than the other?"

His jaw clenches slightly. "If you would have asked me back then I probably would have said Alexa."

"I'm asking you now."

He turns slowly so he's facing me directly. "I'm not sure how deeply I loved either of them."

It's not the answer I was expecting.

"I was very selfish. It's not an excuse for what I did but I didn't think of either of them. I thought about my needs. I wanted to feel things. I wanted to get off. I think in some way I used Alexa to get back at Liz." He half-shrugs.

"Get back at her how?" I push the question back at him.

"I dropped everything to take care of Liz and then I realized one morning that I was nothing to her. I was this guy who followed her around begging her for attention."

It's a painful confession. I see the witness of that in his expression. "I'm sorry. That must have been hard to realize."

"Alexa made me feel wanted. I took from her to fill in the void that Liz left inside of me."

"When you came into the pub that first night, you were torn up." I pull back slightly. I don't want him to be touching me when I say this. "You said you loved Alexa."

He nods slowly. "Alexa got married that day. I hadn't seen her in more than a year. We hadn't spoken in longer than that. I had no real connection left to her at that point."

"Really?" I can't mask the surprise in my voice. I remember very clearly the pain in his words when he spoke about her. "I thought she'd left you and raced off to marry him."

"They've been together a long time." He shakes his head as if he's anticipating my next question. "They met after I was with her in Paris. She never cheated on Noah or anyone with me."

"Why was it so hard to know she was marrying him that day?"

"I went to their apartment that afternoon to talk to them. I was completely unaware that they were getting married that day." He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. "Noah had started this charitable endeavor with his brother and I had a check in my pocket to give to him and Alexa for the foundation."

It's admirable. He's generous to a fault. "That was a kind thing to do."

"When I got out of the taxi in front of the building, Alexa was walking out in her dress, "he pauses to take a deep breath. "She had on her wedding dress."

"I'm sorry," I offer because I can only imagine how awkward that would be.

"She saw me. She was with her bridesmaids and she ushered them into the car and she walked over to talk to me."

I stare at his profile. His jaw is tight. His eyes are heavy. I can tell that it's not easy for him to confess this.

"I just stood there looking at her and she reached for my hand." His gaze falls to where his hand is holding mine. "I told her I was sorry for everything. I told her I regretted what happened in Paris. I told her she was making the right choice marrying Noah."

"What did she say?"

"She said that she forgave me. She said she realized that what she felt for me in Paris wasn't real love. That she found real love with Noah and that she knew I'd find it one day too."

"She sounds amazing, Beck."

"I thought so." He turns towards me. "I thought that she was everything until I realized she was nothing compared to you.

B
eck

"I'd never cheat on you, Zoe."

She bristles. "You don't have to say that to me, Beck. I don't want you to make me that promise."

"I want to."

"I'm your rebound," she says it so softly that I have to strain to make out the words.

"No." I feel my brows lift. I can't believe she said that. It's not something I've ever thought or felt. "You're not a rebound, Zoe. Jesus, you're everything."

"You and I met the day she got married." She leans back into the cushions of the couch. "You were looking for a distraction from the pain."

"No. That's absolutely wrong."

"I did it when Justin died." She crosses her legs. "I slept with a few random guys to dull the pain."

I physically bring my hands up to cover my ears. "Don't. Don’t tell me about anyone else."

"Why not?" She leans forward to pull my left hand from my ear. "A lot of people do it when they're in pain."

I did it. I know that I did it after I got back from Paris and Alexa was first involved with Noah. I hooked up with so many women that I lost track. "That's not what I was doing."

"It's exactly what you were doing."

"I hadn't seen Alexa in a very long time before that day," I say the words clearly so there's no mistaking their meaning at all. "I'd finished with all my rebounding by that day."